All Or Nothing

Project Runway Season 5 Finale: Maybe I Should Have Had A Better Attitude

Okay, Project Runway finale time!  Yay!  Get excited.  We open up with a reminder look at who was Auf’d last – Jerell.  Sad, but true.  So, as you know, that leaves us with Korto, Leanne, and the detestable Kenley. 

Yeah, I know.  Don’t think the fact that Kenley’s managed to hang around isn’t part of the reason I missed a couple of recaps.  It’s frustrating to keep writing about the success of someone that ridiculously rude.

Anyway, it’s an all girl finale, and as Tim addresses the final three in the workroom, they look extremely excited, if not exhausted.  Leanne in particular seems super sleepy; but I can’t even begin to imagine what a rollercoaster being on a show like PR would be, so I’m giving her a pass.  A pass, and a soothing sleep mask.  And maybe some under-eye cream.

Tim lets the designers know that although they have made twelve looks for Bryant Park, they will only be showing ten.  Meaning they need to get rid of two.  Unsurprisingly, Kenley, with her astonishing lack of self-awareness, decides that not only will she not get rid of the wedding dress she was called out for (negatively) last week, but also she will SHOW IT AS HER FINAL LOOK.  Wow, Kenley, brilliant.  Tim thinks so too, and he tries (futilely) to convince her that PERHAPS this is not a good idea.  Kenley says she doesn’t care what the eff anyone thinks, she is gonna do what she wants.  Ahh, that’s refreshing, Kenley.

Korto and Leanne give us a brief peek at their collections, and are pleasant and normal to deal with.  Tim gives advice, and they seem to take it.  How hard is that?

Oh and wait, Kenley has changed her mind - although she will still show the notorious wedding dress at Bryant Park, she has decided to make her final look something different.  Tim looks relieved.  Kenley looks smug.  She’s SO proud of herself for making this decision; it’s like she somehow has found a way to take all the credit for A) following Tim’s advice and B) changing her plans accordingly.  Gross.

Not feeling confident with several of her outfits, Korto has decided to make two more for the show.  From scratch.  Like, right now.  That’s good, because otherwise I don’t know how she’d fill her time.   I mean she does have something like 36 hours before the show.

So, it’s one day before the shows at Bryant Park, and the girls are back finishing hemlines, doing final fittings, or, in Korto’s case, sewing entirely new dresses.  Tim comes in and tells them the lineup for the show; it’s gonna be Kenley, Korto, and then Leanne.  Next, Tim does what he does best, and it’s the reason he is so beloved by…well, everyone, really.  He congratulates the three final designers, tells them how proud he is of them, how amazing the experience is going to be, and really brings the designers back to the main point of what they’ve been working so hard for.  I really appreciate someone who can take you back into the true spirit of things, because I can only imagine how easy it would be to lose the HUGENESS of showing a collection at Bryant Park in stress over silly (meaningful, but still) details.  Good ‘ol Tim, he really is the best.

Morning of the show, the designers are up at some horrifically early hour, and they make their way to the tents.  Of course by now, the tent the Project Runway stars show in is one of the biggest and best, and it looks accordingly amazing.  As the designers are led to their respective prep areas, the models start filtering in (literally, some of them look like the Kate Moss character from Family Guy, if they turn sideways they disappear) and the hair and makeup pros get to work.  There are a few minor mishaps (Kenley is being a control freak and won’t let anyone help her, one of Leanne’s dresses somehow magically got way too big for her model) but overall, the process appears to be moving along smoothly.  Ooh, and I think we get an accidental boob shot.  Model boob, so basically no boob, but hey.  For the heterosexual males that make up 3% of Project Runway’s audience, that might have made it all worthwhile.

And it’s time for the show!  Out comes Heidi, in a VERY demure black dress (below-the-knee AND long sleeved, wow) and announces that although they WERE going to have Jennifa Yopez as the guest judge (alongside Nina Garcia and Michael Kors), poor Ms. Yopez has sustained a foot injury (yeah, that would be tough to SIT and WATCH OTHER PEOPLE WALK with that type of injury) and so she won’t be there.  However!  The replacement guest judge is none other than Tim Gunn, and if I wasn’t happy about that already (I like Tim waaaay more than Jenny from the Block), I would be absolutely thrilled because when Kenley hears the news, she FINALLY seems to get it.  “Maybe I should have had a better attitude,” she says.  YA THINK?

Tim, however, is as classy as can be as he addresses the crowd eloquently, promises to be unbiased and impartial, and says he is honored to be a judge for such an event.  Awesome.

As we know, Kenley is up first, and I will VERY GRUDGINGLY admit that to start, her collection looks pretty good.  Lots of great colors, different silhouettes, and everything looks well made.  Well, until she sends out the beige dress with the painted flower trail.  That looks like home economics 101.  And then Michael Kors (who is, inexplicably, wearing his sunglasses inside the dark tent) does a double take when one of Kenley’s signature garish floral prints comes down the runway.  I can only hope his second look means bad things for Kenley, but I think it might just be because he’s inside.  And it’s dark.  And he’s wearing sunglasses.

In between takes, we get glimpses of the Auf’d designers in the audience, watching and cheering along.  Blayne looks sufficiently orange again, and Stella actually looks kind of pretty.  Granted, I still haven’t seen what she’s wearing (could it be the stripey leggings of doom?) but at least her makeup looks nicely done.

Korto’s next and can I just say - wow.  Her collection is great.  There are several dresses in there I would absolutely take and put in my closet right this instant.  She also makes heavy use of the color green, which I am extremely partial to, and as always, her construction looks impeccable.  The necklines and back enclosures of the dresses are really uniquely made, with a lot of embellishment, creative composition, and intricate beading.  Korto should be thrilled with her collection, and her husband and daughter look like they could not possibly be prouder of her.

And finally it’s Leanne’s turn, and I don’t know if it’s my imagination or not, but she seems to come out to a LOT more applause than the other two.  Perhaps she is not only my favorite?  Okay, and now that I’ve seen her entire collection (I truly am writing as I watch), I have to say this:  I’m not sure how well this will play for Leanne as far as judging goes, because both Kenley and Korto had quite a bit more diversity in their line.  But Leanne is the only one of the three designers who, I think, really shows her point of view.  Almost every skirt Leanne showed has the same basic treatment; those petal-like layers that move and flow so gracefully are in every piece she sent down the runway.  Also, her color palette was used in a totally different way than the other two designers – both Kenley and Korto made good use of many different colors, and that made their collections bright and interesting.  Leanne, on the other hand, stuck to the same three basic colors (white, tan, and soft turquoise) and used those colors in different parts of each outfit to make the particular piece stand out the way she imagined it would.  As I mentioned, I don’t know how this will go over with the judges, but as far as true fashion goes, Leanne did the best job of interpreting her design aesthetic in a runway show format.  And therefore, even though as far as separate pieces go I like many from Korto’s line the best, I think Leanne should win the overall prize.

Judging time, and Michael Kors has seen fit to remove his eyewear.  Thanks for that, Michael.  The judges bring the designers and their main models back on the runway to discuss.  Kenley goes first, and basically all four judges liked her show very much, thought it had a lot of “spirit” (whatever that means) and generally thought she did a great job.  Their only complaint is that Kenley continues to rip off Balenciaga (among other designers) and does it under the guise of “I don’t look at other collections”.  Be that as it may, Nina says, you MUST know what is going on in the world of fashion, because even if you don’t, and you genuinely think you’re sending out something one-of-a-kind, the fashion editors who are watching your show you DO look at other collections, and will write you off as a copycat.  Kenley rolls her eyes but concedes the point.

The judges turn to Korto next, and all agree that her use of color is extraordinary.  Nina says the collection looks effortlessly cohesive, and the dress Korto chose for her final model was a favorite amongst all judges.  The only real complaint anyone comes up with is that some of Korto’s pieces look “overworked”, and while I have personally seen garments that I feel have that quality, Korto’s never strike me that way.  Regardless, the praise is overwhelming, and Korto looks happy.

As I feared, the judges are concerned that Leanne’s petal-layering collection might be too “one note”.  Michael Kors doesn’t want her to be known as Petals Marshall, because, he says, that sounds more like a stripper, dontcha think?  However, the judges do think Leanne’s workmanship was nearly perfect, and they appreciate that she showed shorts, pants, skirts, jackets, and a long dress.  One note, eh?  I think not.

Next the judges ask the designers why they should be the winner of Project Runway.  Kenley cries her way through her answer (I’m very passionate, I have it in me), Korto also tears up (it’s what I’m meant to do, showing at Bryant Park made me realize even more), and Leanne answers, somewhat stoically, that she knows she can take it to the next level and also that she feels she’s somewhat cutting-edge as half her collection was made out of sustainable materials.  She’s all business, this one.

The designers are sent backstage while the judges do their final roundtable discussion.  Hard as I may try, I am not gleaning any information from their dialogue that leads me to believe one designer is faring better than the other two.  This one is down to the wire, I think.

Kenley:  

Korto:    

Leanne: 

Final decision time, and they’re not wasting a second.  Heidi immediately (and do I sense a HINT of comeuppance in her voice?) tells Kenley that she’s out.  Kenley looks extremely unhappy, and I’m honestly surprised she didn’t do any backtalking.  I think she’s going backstage to collapse; I’ve never seen a better personification of a balloon deflating.  I also hate to say I Told You So, but…well, I don’t hate to say it at all.  Acting like a giant brat generally isn’t going to garner you much favor.  I hope Kenley’s learned that lesson, but if we’re to believe her exit interview (this is all BS, she says) she probably hasn’t.  So now we’re down to Leanne or Korto.

Winner: Leanne!  Yay!  I mean, I’m sad for Korto, I really am.  I think the decision between those two would have been almost impossible to make.  Korto, as the judges mentioned, has an amazing talent of knowing how to dress women of all sizes in flattering silhouettes, and Korto’s use of color is probably the best I’ve seen.  Leanne does appear to have more potential as a businesswoman, and maybe, given the relatively low success level of some of the past PR winners, the judges are trying to emphasize this quality.  But when it comes down to it, Leanne truly did the best job of translating her unique point of view into fashion.  And isn’t that what it’s all about?

As my final note, I’d like to thank everyone for sticking around through the somewhat-bigger-than-expected task of recapping Project Runway.  I hope you enjoyed the show, first and foremost, especially since it almost certainly is now over as we know it (Bravo! Why did you let it go?), and I hope you didn’t find the analysis too tedious.  At any rate, I’ve enjoyed writing the recaps, I’ve REALLY enjoyed reading your comments, and it’s kind of bittersweet that it’s all over.  Over, that is, until Stella and/or Blayne shows up on their own Bravo-sponsored reality show.  Personally, I’m voting for some kind of relationship clinic with Stella and Ratbones.  If that happens, you can better believe we’re gonna talk about it.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 11: Music, Baby, Music!

Aaand, we're back.  Project Runway recap, full version, full strength.  Opening up on the good ol' Model Switcheroo, only this time things get a little hairy...

Jerell is first and he keeps his model, as everyone has done all season.  Then Kenley decides to mix it up and dumps her model in favor of Joe's old model, and she's opened up the floodgates - next, Leanne takes Tia, Suede's model, and Suede is pissed.  So Suede takes some other chick (not sure who's model she was) and Korto is last and I think she picks her own model.  So Leanne's model, who is almost crying, and Kenley's model (who probably didn't like Kenley and is somewhat relieved) are going home.  I wonder if the producers made them pick different girls to keep the model competition relevant.

So anyway, the designers go to Parsons and Tim meets them there to give them the challenge:  They will each be designing for one of the remaining designers, and the breakdown goes a little something like this:

Suede is designing for Jerell

Kenley is designing for Leanne

Korto is designing for Suede

Jerell (rolls eyes) is designing for Kenley

Also!  (And I like this part)  Each designer will be basing their look on a certain genre of music.  So this is the musical inspiration challenge!  I am totally excited, because I like music, I like fashion, I like Project Runway, and I freaking hate Kenley, who I know gets a talking to in this episode.  How could things get any better?

Kenley's genre is pop

Suede's genre is punk

Korto's genre is country (Tim finds this hilarious)

Leanne's genre is hip-hop

Jerell's genre is rock and roll

The designers have one hour to consult with each other and until 1am to complete the look.  Everyone chats it up and we essentially have no idea what anyone's planning to make except Kenley is insisting upon high-waisted pants for Leanne's hip-hop look, and Jerell says he's planning to turn Kenley into Kenley Spears.  To which I say: EWW.  Tim comes in to collect everyone and he sighs as he leads them out the door to Mood.  I really think he hates this season.

In Mood, Kenley selects a bright, floral-ish print like she ALWAYS does.  Tim comes by, mentioning that she IS supposed to be doing hip-hop, and does she know what hip-hop is?  Because one thing it isn't is big floral prints.  Kenley essentially waves her hand at him in dismissal and says "you'll see it when it's done, Tim.  Okay?  You'll see it when it's done."  And then she rolls her eyes like GEEZ, THE NERVE OF THIS GUY.

Back at Parsons, everyone works on their design and laughs at Kenley behind her back - she is making high-waisted trousers with gold buttons and a cropped floral blouse.  Oh yeah, that's TOTALLY bling-bling, Kenley.  No one is telling her how un-hip-hop she is (not that she would listen anyhow), and Leanne has already said that if Kenley sends her down the runway in something epically stupid, Leanne will feel no obligation to pretend she likes it.

Suede tells the camera that he is a classically trained cellist (as in, plays the cello), and played semi-professionally for 14 years.  Usually when we get these little insights it means the designer is going home, so for all you Suede-haters out there, this is a good sign.  I, on the other hand, am sitting with crossed fingers AND toes, hoping for a Kenley-As-She-Grows-Up photo montage, complete with touching musical soundtrack.

Tim comes in for his walk-through and says "hey designers" in a lethargic tone.  I think he may as well have said "I hate you, designers."  But he perseveres, and gives some good advice.  He loves Jerell's "Kenley Spears" silhouette, but isn't sure about making a vest out of what looks like bright blue fur.  Conversely, he feels good about Leanne's plans to take her "Country Korto" outfit further, but agrees with Leanne that to go "too country" slides dangerously into the Land of Costume.  Korto needs to step it up with Suede's punk rocker look, because right now it just looks super basic and Tim is unimpressed.  Same with Suede's rock n' roll design for Jerell - Tim reminds Suede that every detail counts and tells him to ramp it up, stat.

And then Tim takes a deep breath, recites the Serenity Prayer, and walks to Kenley's station.  And wow.  Tim is über polite, as always, Kenley is supremely rude (as always), and Tim finally calls her out for her constant sarcasm and overall horrible attitude, suggests that she might try listening to others, and says "I was just trying to see this from your perspective, and then you led me off a precipice".  Kenley offers a weak "ha" in response to Tim, and then tells the camera that she really can't listen to Tim right now, and what does he know about hip-hop, anyway?

HATE!!!!

Korto: "So....Kenley is a hip-hop designer....yup. (Laughs) I can't WAIT for tomorrow."

And now it's tomorrow and I'm giggling uncontrollably because Kenley's design is just awful - not at all hip-hop, doesn't fit well, looks generally ridiculous - and everyone knows it, but they are all SO sick of Kenley that they have turned into a room of Yes Men, answering in the affirmative to her every "so, THIS is hip-hop, right?"  I love it.

Being put into full makeup and hair seems to have gotten Jerell into a sexy mood.  He explains that it's weird being both the designer and the model because "you've got your hands all over somebody, and they've got their hands all over you...and it's just exciting".  Yowza.  I guess it is!

Okay, so it's time for the runway show and Heidi comes out on the runway first to explain the challenge to the other judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and the guest judge, who is none other than LL Cool J, complete with his massive arms.  I hope he HATES Kenley's outfit, because from what I know about LL, he is kind of an a-hole and won't hold back on her.

My thoughts from the runway are as follows, as always in PASS/FAIL format:

Leanne (designing for Korto) - looks subtly country (although I HATE the necktie thing) and Korto totally works it on the runway.  Pass.

Jerell (designing for Kenley) - I will grudgingly admit that Kenley's got some nice legs.  Unexpectedly nice.  And the outfit is totally pop star, and so Jerell should definitely get a pass.

 
Kenley (designing for Leanne) - HA!  It's even worse than I thought.  Absolutely laughable.  The pants are horribly done, the crotch is like, crooked and droopy, and Leanne is not into the look and just kind of slouches down the runway with a little faux gangsta sign at the end.  If this does not fail, I will...what will I do....I will ___.  FAIL!

 

Korto (designing for Suede) - Suede totally sells the look.  He comes out, looks punk, and therefore the outfit does as well.  Pass.

Suede (designing for Jerell) - Umm.  Hmmm.  It's kind of boring, really tight pants and a vest and some tall boots.  And the pants are more like tights.  Like in a ballet.  Where you studiously avoid looking at the...crotchal region.  I'd have to say fail.  I'm sorry, Suede.

Okay, so the judges discuss and bring everyone back on the runway.  The consensus for Korto's "Punk Suede" is all good ("right on the money", says LL), and comes complete with a somewhat uncomfortable moment where Michael Kors seems to like the way the pants fit Suede a little TOO much.  Unfortunately, Suede's "Rock n' Roll Jerell" doesn't fare as well, and the judges find it a bit boring (just like Tim said).  Jerell's "Kenley Spears" is next and everyone loves it.  LL especially loves it, making sure to focus in on A) Kenley's boobs and B) that he wanted to see some more skin, and when she took off the vest he was "like... BOOM!".  Kenley is loving the attention.  But alas, her moment in the sun is about to end, because "Hip-hop Leanne" is up next and this outfit is atrocious.  No one likes it, LL is disappointingly polite in his condemnation of Kenley's design, but she is typically rude in her interrupting of him.  She also says that it was REALLY HARD for her, and she could have made it look better if she would have had more time.  Like several days instead of just one.  Oh, and also, ugh, it was SO unfair.  Nina totally calls Kenley out and reminds her that everyone has the exact same challenge and parameters, so she can just shut it.  Kenley says "fine!" and does a little hip thing that makes her look like a 3 year-old. 

If I have not yet made this clear, I cannot freaking stand this chick.

Leanne's "Country Korto" is up next, and the judges are kind of ehh on the whole thing.  They like the colors, Heidi likes the skirt, but they all think it was a little TOO subtle.  Still, it's one billion times better than what Kenley threw out there.

Decision time!

Winner: Korto!  She is happy because she did menswear and still won, and LL loved it.  And she might kind of love him.

Loser: Suede.  OH MY GOSH.  What does Kenley have to do to get kicked off?  Tell me!  No seriously, TELL ME.  I am baffled.  I am no fan of Suede, don't get me wrong...but his boring rock n' roll/modern dance pants thing was still so much better than Kenley's not even remotely hip-hop thing.  But, in a gesture of kindness to me, Suede quotes Madonna as he's leaving and that's almost annoying enough to help me get over my RAGE that Kenley remains on the show.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 10: Five Minute Review

I'm sorry!  Honestly, I kind of thought we were all getting (as Tim Gunn might say) overworked with these reviews, and when I had The Day From Hell on Friday and didn't get my Episode 10 recap up, I thought I might skate by unnoticed.

But no!  You love me!  You really, really love me.  Or, you don't have Bravo and need the recaps to keep up.  OR, you get bored on Friday afternoons and will read just about anything.  Regardless!  You noticed my ProRun absence, emailed me about it (some of you very vehemently!) and for that I thank you. 

I think.

So this week, the designers were charged with the task of designing a work-appropriate, professional outfit for one of six young women.  The catchy hook was that the mothers of these recent college grads were also present for the duration of the challenge, and the designers had to please both mother and daughter. 

Kenley got lucky and had Mini-Kenley assigned to her; a young girl with (guess!) dark hair, a 50's vibe, and a vintage, girly aesthetic.  Kenley dressed the girl in what looked like something out of Kenley's own closet, slapped some red lipstick on the chick, and sent her out on the runway.  Wow producers, way to stretch Kenley's talent with that one.

Jerell ended up with the tall, lanky chick, proceeded to make her a model-esque outfit that rocked the judges, and won the challenge easily.  What?  I told you it would be a five minute review!

Leanne drew the "Hedda Lettuce" client, meaning that her girl (well, really the girl's mother) turned out to be difficult to please and somewhat demanding.  Leanne had to totally remake the top of the dress she had worked on all day after the mother said "if we tried this on in a store, we'd leave to find something more flattering".  Zing!  Maybe the ugly jacket Leanne created to go over the dress was punishment for Overbearing Mama.

Suede got the Russian photographer with awesome arm muscles.  Like seriously, Suede would have had no chance with this chick in an arm-wrestling contest.  Suede picked a relatively cool print and then screwed it all up when he made a totally nondescript dress and a very JC Penny's-looking jacket.

Korto paired up with a cute curly-haired girl and made a very Korto outfit: cool, well-made jacket and easy, flowy dress in a nice print.  Korto's talent lies in making flattering garments for non-model bodies, and she showcases that well in this challenge.

Joe got a regular chick who was trying to land a job as a graphic designer and decided to make her a classic business interview suit: pinstripes, a striped collared shirt underneath, and a tan skinny belt.  Only problem was that "classic" turned into "dated, "and he didn't factor in the unflattering nature of a straight skirt suit on a curvy body.  Even though the judges sounded like they hated Suede's 1995 small-town mall dress the most, Joe ended up the big loser and was auf'ed.

Other highlights: I like Jerell more and more each week, Leanne handled a difficult client situation very gracefully, Suede is still talking in the 3rd person and acting like a moron, and Kenley laughed at Joe ON THE RUNWAY DURING JUDGING when Michael Kors critiqued Joe's business suit and called it "straight from the 80's with the requisite pocket square".  AND Kenley managed to so completely infiltrate Mini-Kenley's mind during the challenge that even Mini-Kenley dissolved into a fit of giggles as the judges broke poor Joe's heart and delivered their ultimatum.  What a couple of biatches.

Next week: It's the most unique challenge for Project Runway ever - whatever that means.  Also, it would appear that Tim Gunn gives Kenley a much-needed talking to.  Not that she will care, but still.  I'll enjoy it.

Discuss: did you think Joe deserved to go?  How about Jerell's second win?  And what was the deal with that jacket Leanne made?

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 9: It's A Sign Of The Times

Welcome back, Project Runway-ers!  We're on episode 9, can you believe it?  I sure can!  

Opening at Atlas Apartments, Kenley, sans makeup, feels as if she really IS one of the best.  Blayne and Suede have some pillow talk about pop tarts and chiffon.

On the runway, Heidi actually looks...bad.  She's wearing that kind of long tunic that has no stretch and hugs the hips while simultaneously bagging around the waist.  And she brings out - the auf'ed designers!  Don't worry, Heidi says.  They're not here to compete, they are here to assist the real designers in an avant-garde look.  The look must be inspired by the astrological sign of one team member.  Joe says in his opinion, avant-garde means putting a sock over his model's head and calling it fashion.  Way to sound creative, there, Joe.  Kenley says she doesn't work well in groups.  She hides it so well - who would've thought?

Tim comes out with the velvet button bag and draws names for the teams:

• Korto, an Aquarius (my sign!) is first and she's with Kelli.
• Kenley is also an Aquarius and she's with Wesley
• Joe, an Aries, will be with Daniel.
• Leanne's a Libra and is with Emily.
• Blayne, also a Libra, will be with Stella ("love your face!!", they exclaim at each other. Gross).
• Terri is a Sagittarius and is with Keith, a Leo - a fact which should shock exactly no one.
• Jerell, another Sagittarius is with Jennifer, who I totally forgot existed.
• Suede is also a Sagittarius and will be with Jerry, who I REALLY forgot existed.

Tim gives the designers two full days for the challenge, so that means they really have to be impressive.  He also gives everyone a dossier that explains all about the astrological signs.  Everyone reads their sign's traits and is all "OMG, this is totally me!  I can't believe it!"  It seems like all the teams are using the lead designers sign, except for Leanne, who says the idea of working with scales (Libra) sounds dumb.  Blayne, conversely, thinks it seems awesome and is totally gung ho.  The designers are off to Mood with $250 and poor Wesley has immediately turned into Kenley's whipping boy as she bosses him here and there.  Oh wait, Terri and Keith are doing Leo, so somehow his Lion won again.  He's already telling Terri what to do.  She's like "wha?  No you di-int!"

Suede and Jerry are doing the Libra scales as well.  Terri and Keith are not getting along.  Keith tells Terri he's fragile, so be careful with him.  Just tell him where he'll be most useful to her and let him at it.  Terri feels that he'll be of most help counting the pins that fall on the floor, because she finds his whining tedious and his design aesthetic decidedly NOT "kick".

Joe and Daniel are are doing Joe's sign, which is Aries (the Ram).  Finally, Daniel can do couture.  But he'll probably complain about how farm animals are NOT high-fashion.  Or that anything that can be shorn CANNOT be worn.  I can't wait to hear his excuse.

Kelli!  Is back!  I love!  Her!  I really hope they win.  And it will be triply good because they're doing Aquarius (my sign!), Korto is great, and they'll beat the other Aquarius, who is currently acting like she's got this thing all wrapped up in a giant ball of HUBRIS.  Ahem, Kenley, didn't you pay attention to my title last week?  No, you did not, and this week you are obsessing over how accurately the Aquarius sign describes you.  Strong?  Check.  Adventurous?  Check.  Loud and annoying to everyone around you?  Check!  Oh, that's not part of Aquarius, that must be a little, aggravating, mosquito-esque star that has fallen into Kenley's orbit.  AND WILL NOT LEAVE.

Blayne uses a completely new language to explain his and Stella's Libra vision to Tim.  He uses "manifest" a whole bunch of times, and then the sounds "annah" and "ku-kk-k" and waves his arms around a lot.  Then he says, in English, that they're also gonna use these here leather strips.  Tim says "can I ask why?"  Yes, me too, Tim, I'd like to know why.  Blayne says "umm, did you SEE who you drew for me out of your little button bag, dude?"  And Tim says "K-Kuh-Ku" and Blayne looks happy and Stella says "I don't think he got it".

Tim hates Jerell's fabric choice, which looks to me like a wide-check brown and cream houndstooth.  Paired with gold lame.  And maybe Jerell is holding another swatch that's kind of a plaid, but that might just be the shirt he came in wearing, because it doesn't match the other two fabrics at all.  Or maybe that's why Tim seems worried.  Jennifer, who we all remember better as Snoozefest, aptly says nothing at all, and might as well not be there.

Leanne and Emily's exoskeleton-inspired Scorpio design looks like it's got potential to be awesome.  Tim says he loves the exoskeleton idea and that they have lots of work to do but to carry on.  I think that no matter what else happens, Leanne might have a fabulous career ahead of her doing sexy costumes for comic book-inspired movies, like Batman.  Remember her car-seat dress thing?  And this Scorpion dress looks very similar in design aesthetic. 

And now it's Kenley's turn and I honestly could not be smiling any wider than I am right now.  Tim hates her idea, says it's totally costumey and not in an awesome, dangerous, Leanne-type way.  No, it's like a school play, featuring Kenley's look as Glenda, the good witch of the North.  Kenley, in her typically prideful way, interrupts Tim the entire time he is trying to guide her, saying things like "no", "who would wear this as a costume" and "Glenda would NEVER be as fabulous as this".  Tim says "okay, don't listen to me, then - just don't listen to me".  KENLEY, LIKE FOR REAL, HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED THE SHOW BEFORE??  You listen to Tim.  And then Kenley says "okay, I won't listen to you!  I can't wait to show this to the judges!  It's going to be fabulous!"  And Tim walks off, saying "good luck to the both of you".  Wesley sighs in defeat.  Tim might as well have said "and I hope you enjoy your last two days here on Project Runway".  Kenley, prepare to crash and burn.

Terri and Keith disagree on everything and generally hate each other.  That's just about all there is to say about them.  Tim says he hopes they have good synergy and then looks back and forth as they alternately sit in silence and argue.  So much for that.

It's the second day, and the camera guys are happy because Wesley is back in the apartments and they can get a good shirtless shot for all the gays.  The designers head back to Parsons for workday two, and they are met with a note from Heidi, telling them they will be showcasing their designs at the Natural History Museum at 8pm that night and also there will be a double elimination.  No one likes any of that.  Now everyone's freaking out, rushing around, running into each other - well, everyone but Stella, who informs us once again that she doesn't rush.  Because she's rawk, not disco.

Keith displays an incredible lack of self-awareness as he explains to the camera that he won't stand around looking like a fool while Terri continually gives him nothing to do.  It's not his fault, he says, that she's just angry and bitter.  Bitter about what, exactly, Keith?  Bitter that she's still on the show and you're not?

Tim comes in to say that he'll be sending in the models and that the designers, the models, and the garments have to be ready for showtime in one hour.  Oh yeah, Tim says - along with the double elimination, there will be no immunity in this challenge.  In fact, there will be no more immunity, EVER.  Ha!  He chuckles evilly, looking at Kenley, and clicks his heels together, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.  Well no, Tim is always for Good and not Evil, so maybe he chuckles gracefully, gives Kenley a look of pity, and then floats away in a big bubble.  Actually none of that happened, but he did say there will be no more immunity, and the designers don't like that either.

The models are sent in, and the workroom looks like mass chaos.  Unfortunately, what I was hoping might be Jerell's own shirt turns out to be horribly mismatched fabric he has used on his dress.  Kelli says she's sewing into nothing, and Korto confirms that her entire outfit is pinned together and will be going to the museum just like that.  Korto better hope Nina Garcia is still on vacation because she can see the glint of a straight pin from a mile out.  Kenley looks around and thinks her design is light-years better than anyone else's.  Of course she does.  

In our teaser before the commercial break, we see Heidi looking at Kenley's monstrosity and wondering why the boobs are "down here" as she gestures to the mid-torso area.  Kenley's response is to tell Heidi that the model's boobs are in the same place as Heidi's (insulting much?) and the camera "if Heidi is talking nonsense, I'll just set her straight.  Yes, I'll set her straight."

If this is not all some big, elaborate set-up for Kenley's demise, I am going to scream and pull her hair out MYSELF.

Well, it turns out the "party" that the designers are showing at is held at the Rose Center for Earth and Space, which is inside the Natural History Museum.  It's basically a planetarium.  As an aside, who else thinks planetariums are super awesome besides me?  Because I really, REALLY like planetariums.  Did you ever see that episode of Freaks and Geeks where they go on dates to the planetarium on Friday night, and the whole thing is turned into a light/star show played to music?  Because that is a great idea.  Why am I not going on dates like that?

Oh, all the "special guests" at the party turn out to be designers from past seasons of Project Runway.  There's Daniel Vosovic, Christian Siriano, Jay McCarroll, and a bunch of other ones I'm too lazy to look up and spell correctly.  Heidi, with fabulous hair, welcomes everyone and announces that the designers from past seasons will be picking the winner of this challenge.  The current designers are nonplussed and stand around frowning with their arms crossed.  Christian Siriano looks down his nose at everyone and does a little shimmy.  Stella is wearing a grommetted leather bra.  Everything is as it should be.

The party commences with Heidi saying "let's pop some bottles!" and the old designers critique the new designers and their outfits.  So basically it's like a giant Tim-Midday-Checkup type thing.  Keith behaves awkwardly and is still moping around.  Kenley does her little "set Heidi straight" thing.  Christian asks Terri if her model can remove the lion's mane/fake fur collar thing, and she says yes of course.  The model removes it, and Christian jumps up and down and says "NOW it's pretty!"  Terri tells the camera that the whole thing was based around the fur, so she can't remove it - what's a girl to do?  But she CAN, actually remove the fur.  Really easily, in fact.  Just to clarify.  Blayne, in response to Heidi's concern that his garment is the same color as a pair of granny panties, says "but you do get the concept, right?  Heidi?"  Heidi looks like she doesn't.  Joe's Ram dress, thankfully, has nothing to do with the St. Louis Rams and everything to do with flowing, gorgeous, fiery fabrics.  Everyone likes it.  Also, Daniel Vosovic, the Good Daniel, loves Jerell's dress, which is a good sign for ol' Jerell.  

Party ends, designers go to bed filled with bubbly champagne dreams of stabbing Kenley with a million straight pins, and the next morning everyone heads back to Parsons to, I suppose, actually sew their garments together and get ready for the runway show.  Terri has slept on it and is removing the fake fur collar.  I guess that's what a girl's to do, then.  Keith is sleeping on the couch in the lounge, having abandoned Terri and fully embraced his King of Pout status.  

Tim comes in and tells the designers that it's time for the show and they need to "get the lead out!"  Everyone straggles out of the workroom, leaving Tim calling for Keith.  Who, as we know, is asleep on the couch.  Tim goes to wake him up and I'm thinking that cannot bode well for any future Project Runway collaboration Keith may have hoped for.

On the runway, Heidi tells the designers that the votes from the previous night have been tabulated and the results will be announced a bit later.  And then she introduces the judges.  I'm a bit confused, since I though the judging was done the night before with the old designers, but maybe those results will just be factored into the ultimate decision?  Or maybe the new judges just pick the winner, and the regular judges pick the losers?  Not sure.  Anyhow, Nina is back, and she, inexplicably, welcomes the designers back, although they've been there all along.  Blayne picks up on this and says "welcome back to you, Nina".  She grins.  Maybe she kind of loves Blayne.  The guest judge this week is Francisco Costa, the women's creative director for Calvin Klein.  The runway show starts, and my thoughts are as follows, in PASS/FAIL format:

Blayne/Stella - Blayne is a Libra, so they are playing on the balance thing, and this is definitely unbalanced.  One side has huge poufs of pink and red and blue fabric, and the other is plain, granny-panty beige.  The middle has a bunch of leather straps criss-crossing the torso.  I guess I see the concept, so maybe it will pass?  It's EXCEPTIONALLY ugly though.

Kenley/Wesley - horrific.  An absolute abomination on the sign of Aquarius.  The giant shoulders aren't the same size although they clearly should be, Kenley's fabric choices are questionable, and the skirt is boring in comparison to the the insanity of the concept.  Wesley hates it, and says so in interview.  It's truly bad, and if she isn't gone after this challenge I won't understand it one bit.  FAIL.

Terri/Keith - Terri has removed the fake fur from her Leo-inspired design and replaced it with some fabric in fiery colors.  It's actually pretty, and even through Keith's background snarking as the model comes down the runway, I see it as a pass.

Korto/Kelli - not as awesome as I had hoped, but it definitely looks like the water-bearing Aquarius sign, and it's nice and flowy and watery and fits well, so it should definitely pass.

Joe/Daniel - they focused on the fiery aspect of Aries, and this dress is awesome.  Even in silhouette it looked amazing and as the model walks down the runway the skirt flounces in all the right places and generally looks well-done and beautiful.  I can really see Daniel's point of view in this dress, and am wondering if Wesley is his muse, or something.  Pass, and I'm calling win.

Jerell/Snoozefest - Sagittarius interpretation, and I think the same of this as I usually think of Jerell's stuff.  His designs almost always look well-done, interesting, and not at all to my taste.  I mean, I think Jerell is super creative, and the jacket on top of the dress is crazy and very cool.  The skirt (in the houndstooth) is very tight and would never look good on anyone, ever, but this is conceptual and so that doesn't matter.  Pass.

 
Leanne/Emily - Scorpio - they win for making a garment that could actually be turned into a wearable dress later down the road.  It doesn't seem like they put that much work into it, but it's hard to see how they constructed the black, curling, swirly part that goes up around the model's head, so maybe that was where they spent their time?  Pass.

Suede/Jerry - oh Suede, you're going home.  I don't see Libra at all - it's just uninspired and very blah.  Fail.

Korto's team, Jerell's team, Leanne's team and Joe's team are all safe, and one of those teams has the winner.  It's gotta be Joe.  Either way, they leave the runway and everyone else is left to suffer and possibly be auf'ed.

Blayne is called first, and his outfit is the one responsible for causing Michael Kors to exclaim "she's pooping fabric!"  I don't think I need to say more - no one likes it at all.

Terri's next and she and Keith continue to publicly display their distaste for one another.  Michael Kors is all excited about the drama, and wants to talk extensively about their compatibility, or lack thereof.  Terri and Keith talk over each other, playing the blame game, and Michael (who started the whole thing) interrupts authoritatively, telling them they're being silly and that they can't expect to be taken seriously in the design world if they can't work well with others.  Then the judges tell Terri that her outfit is in bad taste, and looks like a "voodoo princess in hell".  Aw, they threw the "bad taste" card at her.  Terri is pissed.

Kenley's up and I can hardly contain myself.  Nina brings up the fact that Kenley's look has nothing to do with A) Aquarius or B) the Zodiac whatsoever.  Kenley interrupts Nina (oh my, this won't be good), and says her design was DEFINITELY inspired by Aquarius, even going as far as to list some of the traits she saw in herself.  Nina won't let Kenley talk over her, and soldiers on, finalizing her comment with "it just seems like you did whatever YOU wanted to do and disregarded the challenge".  Michael tells her that he's seen this silhouette before, at Dolce & Gabbana AND Viktor & Rolf.  Kenley interrupts this comment with a snide "I don't look at collections" and Nina gives her a patronizing look.  Really, Kenley. Was that supposed to be impressive?  That you are inspired by you and you alone?  That you eschew the talent and creativity of others in your field who have been wildly successful?  Yeah, that's how I get ahead too, I take someone who is REALLY good at what I want to do and I ignore them.  

Suede is speaking only in the third person on the runway (for the first time ever! - he usually only does that in the workroom), and none of the judges find his outfit avant-garde, which was just explained to Kenley as meaning "hasn't been seen before".  Michael says it wasn't a "what could be easily put in a department store" challenge.  But mostly they leave Suede alone.

The judges confer and find Blayne's outfit to be a total disaster, Terri to be tasteless (Nina's assessment), Kenley to be stubborn and prideful, Suede's design to be uninspired, and Suede's third person affectation to be uncalled for (he's SO not there as a designer, says Michael Kors).  

The results are in:

Winner: Jerell!  What a surprise!  Jerell says "who'da thunk it?" Not me, that's for sure.  I guess Daniel V's blessing means a lot in Project RunwayWorld.

Loser #1: Blayne.  So sad.  Just as I was starting to like him, and he leaves with grace, telling us that he's about to rule the world so we'd better watch out.

Loser #2: Terri.  Wow.  I did NOT see that one coming.  Not only did I think her dress was a pass, I thought she would be in the final four.  Nina's vacation ended at a really bad time for Terri.

Aarrrghhhh, that means Kenley is still in!  I am beyond disgusted.  I really AM gonna have to tear that chick's hair out myself.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 8: Someone Needs To Tell Kenley The Story Of Icarus

Project Runway time!  To review, last week Keith the Whiner got Auf’d (although I still think he was a better designer than Stellluhhh, who got to stick around to grommet another day).  I also made a promise not to speak disparagingly against either Stella or Blayne, and I (somehow) managed to fulfill that promise.  Mostly.  Unless you’re gonna get me on some technicality.  But I did try!

Today we open with a look into the designers morning activities at Atlas Apartments, and we see the infamous Stella attempting to make coffee.  Although the woman is 42 years old or some such, she appears to have no prior experience making coffee.  Also, she is dressed in a black bikini top, and she is surprisingly fit and trim for her…lifestyle.  My friend VBG and I were discussing what methods Stella might employ to keep in shape, and we came up with a couple of ideas:

Stella In Yoga Class: What, I gotta do somethin’ other than down dog?  I’m already sweatin’!

Stella’s Hapless Yoga Instructor:  Umm… well yes, we just…I mean, it’s been like 5 minutes.  Are you sure those leather shorts were the best choice?

SIYC:  An’ this uppity dog, or whatevah you’z callin’ it – it’s hurtin’!  And I’m not all abawwwt doin’ this pose stuff, I feel like a fool.

SHYI:  I can’t help but think that if your yoga mat wasn’t grommeted and pyramided within an inch of its life, you’d be more comfortable in the postures…those metal spikes aren’t actually traditional to the practice, you know…

SIYC:  Whaaa? I’m RAWK, ya know?  I’m not usin’ all these boring cloth mats like all yew loosahs…now let’s say we stop with all the dog crap and go get a drink with my boy Ratbones.

It’s every bit as entertaining to imagine Stella in a spin class.  Try it!

Terri tries Stella’s coffee and pronounces it “kick”.  As an aside (and I have been biting my tongue on this), what is UP with Terri’s hair/wig?  I mean, which is it?  Hair or wig?  And either way, why would she want it that way?  Am I missing something stylistically?  Please enlighten me.

On the runway, the designers and Heidi do their normal model-switcheroo-that-isn’t, and Leanne keeps her blonde and fabulous model.  I think now that the stunning Shannone is gone, Karalyn is the number one model in the running.  Heidi brings out a special guest, and it’s Tim Gunn.  “Just little ol’ me,” he says, and gives Heidi a hug.  Tim lets the designers know that in this challenge they will be designing for a fashion legend, and he is going to take them to meet the legend right now.  Off they go, with a smattering of banter about whether Mary-Kate Olsen lives in the area, and Blayne confessing that he would like to marry Mary-Kate.  “Who doesn’t?” he says.  Umm, I would have imagined a homosexual, tanorexic MAN would be first on the list of “Who Doesn’t Want To Marry an Olsen Twin”.  Apparently not!

Stella lets the camera know that since she is from around these parts, she knows that they are in the Meatpacking district, and that is where some big-time designers work.  That is honestly the most intelligent, insightful contribution we’ve had from Stella the entire season, and, on top of that, she turns out to be right!  Because just as she finishes her sentence, the designers walk into Diane Von Furstenburg’s gorgeous showroom.  Kenley immediately gets all choked up, telling us that it’s the biggest thing ever, and normally she just gets to work with places like Wal-Mart.  And KMart.  Working for someone without a “mart” attached to their name like a dirty appendage has seemingly blown Kenley’s tear ducts wide open.

If I liked Kenley at all, this might be touching.  But as it is, I can only imagine that if I were there with her, I would see her sniffling and get all annoyed, like “come on girl, get a grip.  We're all on the same show, we’re all super-impressed with DVF, sack up!  And stop being such a...well, you know what you are.”

Diane asks the designers to create a look for her fall collection, inspired by the movie "A Foreign Affair".  The lead character in the film is a glamorous traveler/spy, who starts in Berlin and has to sneak back to New York via Singapore Shanghai.  The winning look will be included in Diane’s collection, sold exclusively to American Express cardholders, and a portion of the proceeds will go to the CFDA.  Wow, they are jamming as much promotion as possible into this one.  Also, Diane tells the designers that because her style has so much to do with the amazing prints she produces herself (and they are, truly, beautiful), she will allow the designers to pull from her exclusive fabric collection in this challenge.  Wow.  Now that is seriously awesome.  What I wouldn't give for a 5 minute free-for-all in Diane Von Furstenburg's fabric storehouse...I'd be pretty much set for life.  And spoiled forever.

The designers are escorted back to the fabric room and make a huge mess of things.  Stella can’t reach the fabric she wants and nasally drones on to anyone who will listen that she’s too short.  Tim, who seems to be growing increasingly annoyed with Stella, tells her to search elsewhere, and she refuses.  Finally Kenley comes over and yanks the fabric down, spilling samples everywhere.  Terri drags two bolts of exquisite fabric across the FLOOR, much to Tim’s (and my!) horror.

Terri is going to make pants again.  Oh, the shock.  I'm not sure, but has she EVER made anything that’s not pants?  Will have to check on that…

The designers and Tim head back to Parsons, Tim hands everyone a Diane Von Furstenburg lookbook from the collection they will be emulating, and gives them until midnight to complete their look.  As everyone pages through the book, they take note that DVF's fall line is all about layering pieces, and everyone decides to make at least two to three pieces.  Well, everyone but Kenley.  She, apparently, became tragically infatuated with yet another floral fabric (much like in the Brooke Shields challenge) and there was only enough of said fabric to make one, small dress.  But she doesn’t care!  No, not Kenley.  Why would she worry about making it look like Diane’s line?  Certainly not because THAT WAS THE CHALLENGE.

Well, hell has frozen over because I actually have come 180 degrees and I LIKE Blayne.  I know.  I know!  But he’s gone from terrifyingly insane to sort of lovably quirky and although he has his annoying tendencies (“licious” comes to mind), overall he has kind of charmed me.  In interview, he lets us know that he is a risk taker, and wants to make sure that he rocks this challenge, and doesn’t do something boring…like the same pair of pants…like someone he knows.  Snap!  Unfortunately, from the sketch he provides, Blayne’s design appears to have some sort of cuffed Bermuda short going on, and if he didn’t learn his lesson from that earlier in the season when he tried it (and ended up in the bottom three) I’m not sure what it’s going to take.  I sure hope Blayne doesn’t get Auf’d right when I start appreciating his craziness, but maybe it’ll be good if he goes out on a high note?  Or maybe he’s just high.   Maybe I’m just high.

Everyone is getting sick of Terri’s pants.  She makes them every single week, and as she parades around the design room, wearing the much maligned trousers and asking for compliments (“aren’t these great?”  “look at the stretch!”) Blayne rolls his eyes and snarks.  “Looks like…a pant”.  Ha!

Stella, Leanne and Terri are eating lunch and discussing what they’re making.  Well, everyone but Stella is discussing, Stella won’t tell anyone what she’s doing because she doesn’t trust them and it’s none of their business anyway.  “So what, “ she intones, through her nose. “You’re making a dress.  I don’t care.”

Everyone’s working away, talking about what a big deal the prize is, and how they don’t want to get reamed by Diane Von Furstenburg on the runway the next day.  Stella announces that she’s going against the grain, and she tells the camera, conspiratorially, that she’s making pants, a top, and a cape.  Yep, a cape.  And capes CAN be done nicely, but I’m having doubts about Stella’s ability to execute something that high-end and classy.  Leanne, who is making a GORGEOUS, cobalt blue, long dress with a beigey-grey jacket, dances around the room, proclaiming that she’s a spy and her secret name is “Leannimal”.  Suede, switching effortlessly from 3rd person to 1st, says “Suede would love to be a spy, but I’m afraid my blue hair would give me away.”  And then he gives the camera ANOTHER SEDUCTIVE LOOK.  Which makes Elise want to puke.

Tim comes in for the shakedown and, as usual, gives impeccable advice.  Why any designer would EVER ignore direction from Tim Gunn is beyond me; he always sees the garment as a whole, even when it's in an unfinished state, and gives specific, direct advice about how to improve the look.  Leanne does what EVERY designer should do, and immediately takes Tim's “perhaps the jacket should be really shrunken” thought to heart, agreeing with him and taking the jacket back to shorten it.  Smart, smart, smart.

When Tim questions the cohesiveness of her outfit, Stella says that her look last week WAS cohesive and that the guest judge in the big mumu with a waistband was just clueless and did a crappy job judging.  “Sorry, Rachel Zoe,” Tim says.  “We only mean that in the nicest way!”  Stella says no, she doesn’t.  She means it in the MEANEST way.  Well, you and I agree there, Stella.

Runway day, and as we open on Atlas Apartments the morning of, Jerell appears to be wearing Missoni booty shorts.  Wow.  I wonder if they really are?  Jerell?  Do you own Missoni booty shorts?  That’s actually pretty awesome.

Stella has traded her candy-cane leggings for sausage-casing-tight leather pants.  I am left again wondering how she maintains a decent figure, which leads me to picturing Stella on an elliptical machine.  With a spiked dog collar around her neck.  And turquoise eye-shadow. 

Okay, so on the runway the designers are greeted by Heidi (who looks particularly exquisite in a dress that actually meets her knees), Michael Kors, Fern Mallis, who is filling in for Nina Garcia (where IS Nina, by the way?  Did she have more important dressing-downs to do?), and the guest judge, Ms. Diane Von Furstenburg herself.  My thoughts are as follows, in the standard PASS/FAIL format:

  

Joe - The pinks don’t match, and not in a good, avant-garde type of way.  Also, the Asian-inspired stitching around the neckline looks sloppy and the back of the shirt gapes open and looks unfinished.  Well, I hope it’s unfinished, otherwise it just looks awful.  FAIL.

Leanne – WOW and double wow.  This dress, much more of a purple than the cobalt I said before, is GORGEOUS.  I mean, really stunning.  It has amazing little jeweled details at the apex of the straps, the neckline is plunging but classy, and the back has this wave of ruffles that cascade down the entire length of the dress.  The jacket, which IS shrunken, looks perfectly done and the model, as Terri would say, is KICK.  Pass, and again, I’ll say should be a win.

Terri – predictably, it looks like what she’s done every other week.  Which is to say - it’s really good, but she will start getting called out, at some point, for being stale.  Not sure if it will be this week though, because the whole thing looks really nice.  Pass.

  

Jerell – has anyone else noticed that his model kind of looks like him, in the face?  That’s weird.  Also distracting – I didn’t think too much of his outfit either way, except the bright blue belt at the waistline was not a good touch, if you ask me.  Not a good color, anyway.  Otherwise, it was fine, so pass.

Korto – the print is awesome, the shape is so-so, and the yellow underneath is KICK.  Heidi looks like she’s pretending to write something down, not even looking at her notepad and waving her pencil around unconvincingly.  Pass.

Blayne – the shorts, as I feared, are just awful.  They are more pirate pantaloons rather than cuffed Bermudas, which is just taking things to a stage I really can’t endorse.  The jacket, however, looks nice, and the scarfy top peeking out from underneath is…fine.  Umm, if they somehow think those pantaloons are passable, then he’ll pass, too.

   

Suede – I like the print, but the dress looks like it should be part of a “breezy island-wear” challenge, and not a tailored fall collection.  I don’t know.  I guess fail?  No, pass.  It’s alright.

Stella – yuck.  The shirt and pants are a nasty brown color with nothing to break it up, and the cape looks weird and not flowy like I think she probably wanted.  Or should have wanted, anyway.  Also, doing a blood-red lip on the model was probably a bad plan, as I know Michael Kors pronounces SOMEONE’S look “a bit Dracula” and I can’t imagine that it isn’t this one.  Fail.

Kenley – unfortunately, I like it.  Although it IS just a dress, and compared to everyone else’s look, it’s really, really simple.  So hopefully she’ll get in trouble for that.  But the dress is nice.  Probably she’ll get a pass, but SHE BETTER NOT WIN.

Heidi pronounces Terri, Jerell, and Blayne safe.  The judges will want to talk to everyone else.  Apparently DVF doesn’t hate pantaloons.

Everyone likes Korto’s outfit, and her kimono-style jacket (I know, another big shocker, coming from her) draws raves as well.  The judges agree with me about Joe’s messy outfit.  And on closer inspection, it’s REALLY messy; the skirt isn’t well-sewed or symmetrical. 

Kenley behaves in an unacceptably annoying fashion when her name is called, giggling and saying “I think I nailed it, don’t you?”  Ugh.  I hope they don’t, and it seems that my wishes are coming true.  They are reaming her for making only one piece!  And wait – Kenley is DEFENDING herself loudly and argumentatively “no, this fabric is REALLY difficult to work with” and – oh wow.  Now Kenley is interrupting Heidi, and then she catches herself, saying that she didn’t mean to interrupt, and then, not 2 seconds later,  she INTERRUPTS AGAIN.  And much more rudely!  AND, she interrupts Heidi Klum to tell Diane Von Furstenburg that she, Kenley Nobody, went over the DVF lookbook, saw lots of layering, and DECIDED THAT DIANE WAS MISSING COLOR AND SIMPLICITY.  “I thought you needed that, “ says Kenley.  The nerve of this chick!  Diane comes back with a snappy  “well, I’m glad you figured it out,” which causes all of the judges to giggle, hoping that Diane isn’t offended to the point of no return.  Heidi continues on, saying she feels it’s very easy to get away with making just a dress and Kenley interrupts her AGAIN, to say “no, I wanted to make THE dress”.  Heidi looks pissed, and thankfully Diane interjects here to say that she likes the dress, graciously saving Kenley from what could have easily been the biggest up-in-flames runway breakdown in the history of the show.  Telling a fashion design legend that you, a heretofore undiscovered nobody, looked at her fall collection and decided to FIX IT, is disrespectful at best; wax-wing meltingly conceited at worst.  Kenley responds in her typically eloquent way “oh, great, cool.”  OH MY GOSH.

I don’t know if anything else matters now - that whole Kenley thing was just so shocking, but in case you were wondering, here's the rest: the judges don’t really get Stella’s outfit, and it’s Diane, rather than Michael, who compares the cape to Dracula.  Michael contributes by saying that the crotch of the pants is every woman’s nightmare – “hello, it’s like…umm…something’s missing here!”  The judges are in love with Leanne’s dress, and they should be.  They pronounce Leanne's look to have “a lot of good design”.  Suede sounds as nervous as a 5th grade girl reading an essay in front of the whole school.  The judges don’t like the fullness of his dress, and they say the jacket doesn’t match with the dress at all.

The judges confer, and the results are:

Winner:  Leanne!  A very well-deserved win.  Her dress is just gorgeous, and she is gracious, as she was last week when she won.  Two in a row for Leanne, I’d say she’s definitely on a roll.

Loser: Stella.  It came down to Joe and Stella, and although I feel like Joe’s design from this week was pretty awful, I do think he has a better design aesthetic than Stella.  I’ve made no secret of my opinion that her remaining on the show for this long was strictly for entertainment value.  The good news, for those of you who had grown to love our little Leatherista, is that Stella doesn’t seem to care AT ALL about being Auf’d.  In fact, her closing statement is: “If you like my stuff, come buy it.  If you don’t – keep walking.  I don’t care.”  I can’t think of a better statement to sum up the incomparable Stella, except maybe one that employs the words “leatha”, “grommet”, “stud”, “pyramid”, or “Ratbones”.  I think Stella’s gonna be just fine.

Project Runway, Season 5 Episode 7: Cars And Crystal Meth

Well, this is gonna be weird.  My Tivo didn't record the episode, and by the time I realized this, there weren't even any repeats to record until like 5pm today.  Can you imagine?  It's a total middle-class tragedy.  So, I am watching this episode in little clips and will cobble together my recap from those.  Ooh, it's kind of exciting, isn't it?  Maybe this one won't be so horrendously long*.

To review: last week was the drag queen challenge, Joe-The-Only-Straight-Male won, and Daniel got kicked off, much to my relief.  I also promised the Project Runway gods that if they WOULD kick off Daniel, I would speak only kind words towards Stella/Blayne.  And then I tried to take it back, and asked y'all if you would absolve me of that promise.  The response was sketchy, so I'm not sure where we stand with that.  I guess I'll have to see how much they provoke my ire today.

Annnd, we're off and running.  Inside Atlas Apartments, Leanne looks like she's going to puke and Kenley cries to the camera about how Daniel, her best friend, is gone.  Daniel, the one she LAUGHED AT DURING JUDGING, ON THE RUNWAY.  Yeah, he's her best friend.  Methinks Kenley meant to say "only".  Keith tries to make fashion design sound honorable: "I want to change the way the world dresses".  Yes Keith, that really WOULD make the world a better place.  Forget poverty, disease, wars, famine...just make sure everyone has paper-shredded dresses and pretty soon we'll all be holding hands, swaying back and forth, and singing Kumbaya.

Heidi's wearing a deconstructed circus tent!  Made into (guess what) a mini-dress.  It's time for the model-swap - is anyone going to steal someone else's model?  Nope, Joe keeps his model.  Okay, so what's the challenge?  The designers have to go to the rooftop of some building on 31st St. and they'll find out.  Everyone walks to 31st, Reservoir Dogs style, and discovers that the building in question is a parking garage.  And the rooftop of this parking garage is...a parking lot!  With cars.  And there's Tim, standing next to the lead color designer for Saturn, who is very, very short and wearing an unfortunate shirt.

The challenge is to somehow make an outfit using parts from these Saturn Hybrid cars, because the cars are made out of recyclable materials.  Or something like that.  The designers are all given a big bag and have...four minutes? that can't be right...to gather as much raw material from the car as possible.  Terri laments that she forgot her blow-torch, and Stella looks like she's either confused or extremely angry.  Maybe Stella's daddy "worked on cars" and she has bad memories of stripping them for parts?

(See what I did there, aiming my snark towards Stella's dad?  Genius!)

In their mad dash for spare car parts, Blayne notes that there are tons of seatbelts all piled up, and he thinks they look beautiful.  I think Blayne may be on to something, but then I see that many of the designers bags are full of seatbelts.  Oh great, are they going to be like the infamous tablecloth debacle of episode one?  Joe is from Motor City so he feels this challenge is right up his alley.  I think Joe does better when things AREN'T right up his alley, so this probably doesn't bode well for him.  Jerell is wearing a tank top I wish I had in my closet, and he is gathering something that isn't seatbelts, so I'm hoping for the best with him.  Oh no, Stella.  She says (and I quote): "Buh-dup-de-dup, I'm nawt rushin' around like a fool.  I'm nawt moovin'."  She's also wearing what looks like a black tank top coupled with...black sleeves.  But not full sleeves.  Just up-to-the-armpit sleeves.  See, if I just report facts about Stella, it's okay!

The designers haul all their car crap back to Parsons and Tim tells them they will have until midnight that night to work, and also that the winner of this challenge gets immunity.  Keith should be happy about this, since last week he was complaining that he should have had immunity from his win the week prior.  Merely having Brooke Shields wear his atrocious outfit on national television wasn't enough of a prize for him.

Everyone tries to figure out what they'll make from their headlights, car seats, and carburetors.  People are smashing their parts on the floor, breaking things into pieces, and Blayne feels that the atmosphere is "experimental".  We haven't seen Stella in this montage, so one can only assume she's off experimenting herself.  What?  WITH THE CAR PARTS! 

Keith gives what may be the MOST conceited interview ever, wherein he simultaneously curses the judges and says he's sick of his clearly superior outfits not getting the credit they deserve.  Wow, Keith.  Really?  REALLY?

Stella finally makes an appearance and announces that she's confused.  I'm backing away from this one, slowly....

Finally, we see someone sewing, and it's Suede!  He does insist on employing the exceptionally annoying term "wackadoodle", though, so I guess he's right back to neutral in my book.  Oh my gosh, I spoke too soon, Suede is SO FAR from neutral in my book.  He just spoke in the 3rd person (thought we were over this, dude), gave a detailed run-down of his various car-part-inflicted injuries, and tried to seduce the camera by giving a come-hither look and saying something about "bleeding for his passion, baby".  TRIPLE OR QUADRUPLE YUCK.

Back from commercial break (maybe...I am still cobbling together these clips, so I could be out of order) the designers finally seem to have some idea of what they'll make.  Stella, wearing a twee leather cap, announces that she's going to do something different, something pretty.  I would love to see that, Stella, truly.  Suede is making a one-shouldered something, Keith is still whining about how he's having to design for the judges and he's not comfortable with that, and Korto is laying the seatbelts out in a sort of basketweave pattern and saying she feels innovative, apparently unaware that Seatbelt Bags have been on the market for ages.

Kenley is drawing zebra stripes on something that looks like it might be an air filter bag or maybe a sun-shade.  She is snarking about how everyone else is using the seatbelts, but not her!  No sirree.  I actually kind of like the zebra print idea, though, so I guess we'll see how this turns out.  Leanne's sketch looks super awesome - girl can draw, that's for sure.  I am pretty excited to see her design completed.  Stella remarks that she feels her design is going to look like something from Planet of the Apes.  And yet, she doesn't seem upset by this.  She makes another twee hat and puts it on Blayne's head, who immediately starts parading around and quoting Darth Vader.  Blayne LOOOVES him some Darth Vader. 

Putting seatbelts through a commercial sewing machine doesn't work, who knew?  Terri asks Keith how he thinks her design looks thus far, and he snaps back with "dunno if you want to trust MY taste, apparently it's questionable".  The horse you're beating, Keith?  It's way dead.  Terri tells the camera that she NEEDS Project Runway, because she doesn't want to go back to her old job.  And with that one little statement, Terri, your wish will almost certainly come true!

Finally, something dramatic happens that I actually do consider to be somewhat tragic: Kenley's gorgeous model Shannone, otherwise known as "the only reason Kenley's designs ever looked good", has had to drop out of the competition.  Kenley will now have to use Jermaine (is that right?) and the girls have completely different body shapes.  Kenley focuses her complaints on fitting issues, but what I would be wanting to say if I were her is "SHANNONE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU, OMG, NOW I AM GONNA LOSE".  Because that's actually the truth.

Tim comes in for his mid-design checkup, and he is mostly pleased.  He had taken the designers to task at the beginning of this episode, saying basically that the reason they were given another chance at "innovative" was because of how mightily they all sucked it up on the first (grocery store) challenge.  But now that he's seen what they're doing with the car parts, he's pleased.  Standouts include Leanne, Jerell, and Korto (although I personally am not a fan of Korto's, at least at this stage).  Tim is worried about Blayne (says he has tons of work to do), Stella (says he doesn't get it at all and that it needs to be taken MUCH further) and Keith (says that Keith needs to believe in his design, because Keith is STILL whining).

Just in case we weren't completely fed up with Keith, we get to see a little montage where he displays a real need for anger management classes, an ability to scare all the other designers with his temper, and another facet of his horribly cocky attitude: "I know we're all here to win", Keith says, "but I just deserve it more than any of them do".  Well!

Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.  STELLA'S BOYFRIEND, IS NAMED: RATBONES.  Ratbones.

Runway day, and we're back at Parsons.  The models are sent in and the designers have an hour to send them to hair and makeup and finish up.  Okay.  So Keith, even taking the editing-to-make-him-appear-mean in mind, is being a TOTAL jerk.  He dresses his model in a super-tight skirt (is it also made of seatbelts?) and instructs her not to sit down.  She then heads off to get her hair and makeup done, and the hair and makeup people (obviously) make her sit down.  I mean, these models are like 5'11", and I seriously doubt the hair and makeup people have stilts on hand.  Anyway, Keith's model comes back into the design room and informs Keith that she has a tiny tear in the skirt.  Keith totally rips her for sitting down (did you sit down? I knew you would sit down! Are you stupid?) and then tells the camera that he gave a model (said VERY condesendingly) a simple task and he would have hoped she could have followed directions.  Also that he knows it's a competition for the models, too, but it's clearly not as important.  As it is for him.  Because he's Keith.  He does manage to fix the tear (it looks like it was right on a seam, so big freaking deal, Keith) and then instructs his model to "watch the breathing", as he pats her on her non-existent tummy.  Nice.

It's runway time, and Heidi (wearing a relatively normal-looking strapless dress - short - is there any other way?) introduces the judges.  This week we're missing Nina, but a stunning Laura Bennett (from season 3, one of my favorite Project Runway designers ever), is filling in for her.  We've got Michael Kors as always, and the guest judge is the Icky Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist and drug-pusher extraordinairre.  Seriously, I DESPISE Rachel Zoe.  She's unattractive, she has horrible skin and teeth (that's what happens when you live on crystal meth and coffee, kids!), she has a track-record of turning her celebrity clients into eating-disordered freaks, and she's a horrible person, to boot.  Why she is even on this show is beyond me.  She's totally trashy, and she sounds like she just woke up from a 72-hour bender, smoked three packs of Marlboro Reds, and dragged herself into the judging chair.  Classy Laura looks like she's inching her chair away from Zoe's, possibly afraid of catching something from her.  Gross.

The runway show begins and my thoughts are as follows, again in PASS/FAIL format:

   

Jerell - doesn't even look like it's made out of car parts, is kind of space-agey and very well-fitted.  Pass!

Keith - yawnfest. It's a tan skirt and a cream sleeveless top, and the back has something weird going on. He's right that it doesn't look like it's made from a car, but he's wrong when he says it's well constructed. Anytime the rebellious act of breathing causes your skirt to fall apart, the construction is probably not stellar.  FAIL!

Terri (who is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt) - pants and a black high-necked halter-esque top. She says she was going for tough and biker and she totally pulls that off.  Pass.

  

Kenley - without Shannone, her outfit looks significantly worse. As expected. The zebra-print layer looks just like air filters stapled on top of a pencil skirt, and the rest of the outfit is okay, but no more exciting than Keith's.  I'd say fail, but that's more because I don't like Kenley.  I bet it passes.

Leanne - wow.  This is seriously awesome.  The construction looks impeccable, the design is really cool, the model wears it well - PASS, and should be WIN.

Suede - looks like an ice-dancing outfit, but it's alright.  She just needs a pair of skates and some cheesy music and it would be perfection.  Pass.

 

Korto - very similar silhouette to her past designs (kind of A-line with Kimono-style sleeves) and it still just reminds me of those Seatbelt Bags every time I look at it.  But there's nothing wrong with it, and it seems well put-together, so pass.

Blayne - says he wants to design outside of "Blaynewood", and I guess he did.  This dress is long, made of seatbelts, has broken glass scattered across the bodice, and is ill-fitting.  I guess the only thing it has in common with his other designs is the "ill-fitting" part.  The boob-region is all wonky.  I'm not sure, but if construction is important, this one will fail.

 

Joe - typically well-done, and also typically not all that interesting.  I'm not sure why he did the leather with logo right across her chest, as it makes her look like an advertising fembot for Saturn, but I guess overall it's an okay look.  Who really knows, but I'll go with pass.

Stella - this is the first design she has EVER sent down the runway that I didn't immediately recoil from in disgust.  So I guess that means it's alright.  Which ALSO means the judges probably won't like it and if she gets kicked off for finally making something decent, I am going to lose all faith in the show.  Of course that was halfway accomplished when Rachel Zoe tottered onstage, so whatever.  Oh yeah, Stella - pass.

Heidi says Terri, Suede, Joe, and Kenley are safe.  Meaning she wants to talk with Jerell, Leanne, Blayne, Stella, Keith, and Korto.

First up is Jerell, and everyone loves his design.  They say he really gave his model a "look", and although the styling (a mile-high ponytail) might be over the top, it totally works.  Heidi gushes that it's wearable (probably because the skirt comes down about 1" below delicate lady-parts, and that's how Heidi rolls).  Rachel Zoe also likes it, saying it's very impressive.  Jerell is happy.

Next up is Blayne and Laura, my lady, points out the bad fit around the boobs.  Heidi wants to know if Blayne considered this old adage when he was making his dress: break a mirror and suffer 7 years of no sex.  Hmm, I had always heard "luck" but maybe that's the way it goes in Germany or something.  Korto's seatbelt dress provokes a good response from the judges, leading Rachel-the-Hoe to announce that she would wear it out of the house immediately and can't believe it's made from car parts.  Really, Rachel?  Because it's clearly made of seatbelts.  Clearly.

Leanne is up next, and as I was hoping, the judges LOVE her dress.  Seriously, it is amazing.  In fact, I will even venture to say that it is the Very Best thing we have seen this entire season of Project Runway.  If she doesn't win, I will eat my hat.  Where does that phrase come from, anyway?

Upon closer inspection of Stella's outfit, it's really pretty bad.  It's not nearly as trashy as normal, but the skirt looks like it's coming apart in several different places, and none of the judges think that the skirt and the vest look like they belong together.  It's like on Sesame Street - one of these things is not like the other...

Oh Keith.  This is just embarrassing to watch.  None of the judges are blown away by his outfit, and as I noted, the "something weird" going on in the back does turn out to be weird.  And bad.  Some kind of netting thing that doesn't fit right and makes the model look like she's got back-fat.  "Anyway", Keith says, in that annoying try-to-disguise-it-as-a-cough voice, "you should have seen my design last week".  Laura, (MY girl!) says "excuse me?"  Yeah, Laura's not letting you get away with that passive-aggressive shite, Keith.  When Keith continues to complain about being "insulted" by the judges last week, MK takes him to school, giving him a lesson on letting criticism roll off his back.  The judges look annoyed, the fellow designers look uncomfortable, and Keith hangs his head in defeat.  The cocky ones always fall the hardest.

The designer are sent offstage, and the judging continues.  Nothing really new to report, other than the fact that MK seems to have gotten seriously annoyed with Keith's whine-fest onstage, and says it's ridiculous and insane to blame your total lack of concept on the model and the critic.  YOU make your own destiny.  Oh yeah!  Everyone is brought back out and the results are:

Winner:  Leanne!  Yes!  Thank goodness, too.  Leanne dances offstage where she seems truly grateful for her win and is endearing.  Korto, on the other hand, looks pissed that she didn't win.  I think she should be glad to even be in the top.

Loser:  Keith.  Now this is kind of shocking, actually.  It came down to him and Stella (who was in those awful striped leggings AGAIN), and as much as Keith deserves bad things due to his attitude, I think he's clearly a better designer than Stella.  He mumbles something when the announcement is made, but I can't understand it.  He kisses Heidi, per custom, and kind of sideways waves to MK, who gives him an annoyed smirk.  Yow.  There seems to be no love lost there.  Ugh, I want to rejoice over Mean Keith leaving, but instead I just feel sorry for him.  Sure, he's got a major case of Victim's Mentality, but he clearly LOVES fashion, and this "Auf" has come as as big of a shock to him as anyone.  Sorry, Keith, I really am.

*Umm, clearly this did not happen.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 6: Cover Up The Candy!

First of all, Kelli's gone and she's taken with her a little piece of my recap-loving heart.  Secondly, when we get our first shot at Atlas Apartments, it's one of Stella.  And?  Woman looks ROUGH.  I don't know if Stella doesn't understand that those men holding shiny black electronic equipment are CAMERA GUYS, ready to broadcast whatever image she presents all over the world, or if she just can't help looking seriously road hard.  Either way, get that lady a hairbrush, stat!

The designers meet Heidi on the runway to find out their challenge and are faced with an ebullient Chris March (he of the infectious laugh, over-the-top designs, and underdog status from Season 4 of Project Runway), dressed as a Tranny Viking Queen.  With Disco Ball Boobs.  Or Something.  Stella claps her hands and giggles, reverting back into her preferred mindset: happy 3 year-old.  Chris lets the designers know that this challenge is to design a signature look for a drag queen.  He brings out the "ladies" who will serve as models for this challenge, and they all introduce themselves.  Let's see, we have Farrah Moans, Sweetie, Hedda Lettuce, Sharon Needles, Annida Greenkard, and Varla Jean Merman, who is, frankly, terrifying.  One thought I had was that Annida Greenkard's name makes it sound like she's not even from America.  Kidding!  I'm only kidding - Hannah and I have totally kissed and made up.  Hi, Hannah!  Chris encourages the designers to be as "over the top" and theatrical as they want to.  Oh good, because otherwise this challenge was gonna be totally vanilla.

Everyone picks their queen of choice, and when Korto picks Sweetie, saying it's because she likes sugar, Sweetie responds with "better be careful, just might rot your teeth!"  What does that even mean?

Tim meets the designers in the workroom at Parsons and warns them that each queen has a very specific persona, and the designers need to maximize - go big and go crazy.  Then he sends in the queens.  Joe is so incredibly uncomfortable and out of his element on this challenge - a body language expert would have a field day with him. He's leaned away, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, half-grimace on his face - it might be less obvious if he painted a sign saying "YOU MAKE ME FEEL WEIRD" and hung it around his neck.  In interview, Joe reminds us that he has a daughter, and is married, and is NOT GAY, just in case we forgot.  I think he may struggle with this one.

Daniel says he's going "couture" with this challenge.  OH PLEASE, Daniel, the day you show me couture is the day I show you my massive package.  What?  This episode is all about pushing our boundaries!

At Mood, we are treated to our normal fabric-finding frenzy.  Stella gives us yet another of her brilliant, advanced explanations, telling us that the main part of the challenge, for her, is that her model "wants to look like a lady".  Ding ding, Stella!  Congratulations, you officially seem to have understood the concept of cross-dressing.  Kenley's going to do something Old Hollywood - maybe with a 40's vibe!  Shocking!  I hope Kenley's queen gets annoyed with her and smacks her silly.

Joe actually seems to be getting into the challenge, as he prances around wearing his queen's bra (filled to capacity with the largest chicken cutlet inserts I've ever seen).  I think this is a case of stepping SO far outside your comfort zone that you get to a new level and maybe do some awesome work.  Joe, I'm rooting for you!  Stella notes that although Blayne (currently dancing around the workroom with pink fabric draped over his head and tied with string around his neck, using "licious" as the suffix for EVERYTHING) is "cute", he "knows nothing".  Pot, meet kettle.  Dumb, meet dumber.  MethHead, meet Melanoma.  I mean, isn't this Stella/Blayne thing getting old to anyone else?

Jerell's dress, thus far, looks gorgeous.  We get cut to an interview snippet where Jerell tells us that he comes from a lower/middle class family and learned to believe in his dreams; anything he wants is out there for the taking; work hard and you'll achieve greatness; and other such wholesome anecdotes.  Jerell, I already liked you from the surprising and genuine niceness you displayed last week, you don't have to push it.

Suede smoked some of Stella's meth and has a vision where his grandfather appears to him and starts sprinkling seeds all over his dress.  Suede is thrilled and inspired by this development.  I think this is going to go down in Suede's history as a Bad Drug Trip.

Kenley snarks about Keith.  Kenley snarks about Suede.  Kenley snarks about everyone.

The queens come back in for a fitting, only they are dressed in street clothes.  Blayne seems shocked that his queen, Miss Understood, is a BOY, named ALEX.  I mean really, Blayne looks flummoxed.  "He's just a short Mexican dude!" 

Sweetie, Korto's queen, snarks about the dress Kenley is working on ("I'm gagging at the silver sequins across the room").  I love it!  Kenley says that Sweetie isn't so sweet.  Man, I am seriously hoping for a throwdown.  Sweetie would DESTROY Kenley.  Fight, fight!

Suede's queen says, in quick succession, that she feels "barnacle-y", "oh my stars", "I'm a little Godzilla", and then calls Suede lazy for making gloves rather than sleeves.  Suede is annoyed.  Suede has his feelings hurt.  Stella says not to worry - it's not Hedda Lettuce - more like Soggy Lettuce!  Ha!  Stella is thrilled that she made a funny.

Chris March is brought into the workroom with Tim to give the designers some additional guidance.  And here we get Tim's oft-replayed sound-byte: "It looks like a pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park" in reference to Blayne's neon...dress.  I guess it's a dress.  It looks like a Tetris game gone wrong, to me.  Suede cries to Tim and Chris about how nasty Hedda was to him - "can you believe she called me LAZY?"  Tim says that was just mean, and that Suede needs to tell Hedda that he's been to a different rodeo, and "not to 'you-know-what' with ME, sister!"  Tim is so adorable it makes me want to just give him a big squeeze.  Suede looks appropriately consoled.  My brother and his girlfriend, who are co-watching this episode with me want to note that Suede, wearing a striped do-rag, is dressed like a pirate, and that they suspect he is out patrolling for booty.  Zing!

Chris hates Keith's fabric-swatchy outfit.  Tim and Chris also don't like Daniel's "couture" outfit, which is actually pretty plain and boring.  Shocking, I know.  Even more shocking is the fact that Daniel A) doesn't seem to care what Chris and Tim think and B) decides to ignore their advice that his top needs more drama.  Please, Project Runway gods, send Daniel home this week.  I know I've been asking for a Stella/Blayne one-two coup, but I will write nothing but nice things about them both next week if you'll only Auf Daniel! 

Suede and Hedda Lettuce kiss and make up after Hedda delivers a "can we just put this behind us" speech with the strangest, most stilted cadence I've ever heard.  I mean, I thought my dad was a slow-talker, but Hedda puts him to shame.

Stella makes the gracious, egalitarian comment that while Jerell's outfit looks very nice and classy, she feels that it's out of place, because "these broads aren't classy - most of them wear really tacky sh*t on stage".  I guess we should just be glad she isn't re-explaining the challenge to us.  (Th' ting is, they're men, but they wanna look like LADIES!  Can yew buhlieve it?)

Runway time!  And Heidi looks like she forgot eye-makeup today.  All the normal judges are present, and the guest judge this week is none other than RuPaul.  My thoughts are as follows (in pass/fail format):

 

Kenley - normal silver sequinny dress (with a poorly constructed, exposed zipper) and a big feather collar.  I mean, it looks like she went to Dress Barn For Evening, got a cheap silver dress, and the only drag queen thing about it is that she stapled black and white feathers to the collar.  Dumb AND boring.  Fail!

Blayne - his pterodactyl wings are crooked, but otherwise the thing looks PRETTY drag queen-ish.  I'd say it's passable.

Joe - says his inspiration is Ann Margaret on the Love Boat, and it looks like a shiny, pink, super-tight pantsuit with some nautical details that his queen just LOVES.  Pass!

 

Stella - shiny black leatha (maybe pleatha) and plaid.  Looks very 1993 goth-rock drag queen.  I guess it's good that the "drag queen" made it in there, but I'm not sure if that's more of a result of the actual queen modeling the outfit.  I'd say fail, but I bet it gets a pass.

Suede - hard to see anything more than a green blur because the model is literally running and dancing down the runway, but the skirt is really short and otherwise it looks a-okay.  Pass.

Daniel - YOU GOT KELLI KICKED OFF, SO AUTOMATIC FAIL FOR YOU.  It's not over the top, it's not drag queen-esque, and as my brother's girlfriend so aptly put it, it's ugly but expected.  FAIL!

 

Terri - way too much going on, there are ropes and sashes and kimono sleeves that hit the floor, and huge platform boots and a bunch of different colors at the neckline and this looks like something that should be in the next theatrical production of Stella and Suede Take Meth Together.  I can't make head or tails of the outfit, so, in complete confusion, I will issue a pass.

Jerell - Big, fat PASS!  I love it!  The popped collar at the end, as Jerell noted, is quite a treat, and the whole dress looks very well-constructed, expensive, and generally awesome.

Korto - huge, red and poufy, with a removable skirt and curly flames coming up from around the neck.  Drag queen paradise, so PASS!

Keith - his outfit looks like he ran some black and white fabric through a paper shredder, and then taped it to his model.  It looks like it's falling apart as she walks down the runway - if she had to go 15 more feet, the whole thing would be on the floor.  Now if this were drag queen striptease, I'd give a pass, but since it's not, FAIL!

Leanne - very cool skirt.  I didn't care about the rest of the outfit, nor did I pay much attention to the sleeves (black) and the top (also black and with some of the same skirt layering/triangle things).  Anyway, the skirt alone makes it awesome.  PASS.

Heidi wants to see Blayne, Kenley, Suede, Stella, and Leanne - no wait, she doesn't!  They are safe.  Well, that sucks.  Kenley lives to snark another day.  So really we're down to Daniel, Korto, Jerell, Terri and Joe. 

RuPaul loves Terri's confusing conglomeration, and all the other judges do as well.  They compare it to like, six things, which is, I think, an apt description.

Heidi thinks Keith's falling-apart dress looks messy, and he tries to defend himself, saying rock and roll CAN be messy.  RuPaul jumps in with "did a dingo eat your baby too, mate?  You seem to have an awful lot of excuses!"  Zing!  She's totally not feeling his fringe.  Nina doesn't even know what it is.  MK says it's a sad, molting, grey chicken.  Yay, they hate it!  I told you, Keith, it's a total FAIL.  Keith is pissed.

Joe says he wanted to show off his queen's assets and all the judges laugh for much longer than necessary.  RuPaul commends Joe for making a big belt buckle and therefore not showing the "candy" and my brother's girlfriend and I debate whether she said "kitty" or "candy".  Heidi says the queen's body looks amazing, and the queen replies that it's not the first time she's heard that!  Woo hoo, you go, Joe!

MK is surprised that Jerell's dress is from Jerell.  He says it's just normal.  RuPaul says it's too long.  MK says it's a good bar mitzvah moment, and that this would have been the time for Jerell to "go for it", but instead he settled for knee-length normalcy.  Hmm, I totally liked the dress, so I'm not agreeing with the judges here.

Everyone loves Korto's huge red poufy dress, which is no surprise.  It's dramalicious.  Oh yes I did!

Nina says here's Daniel's fantasy moment, and he totally bombed it.  He acts like a huge snob and says that he didn't do sequins because they just aren't high-end, and if he would have gone all gaudy he thinks he might have thrown-up.  RuPaul is NOT pleased by this.  MK says it's totally normal, RuPaul says "helloooo, it's supposed to be DRAG!" and then goes on to explain that these girls need to be able to make the big bucks, because otherwise they'll end up out in Harlem, selling hormones to make their rent money.  Daniel is annoyed.  He is SO ABOVE PROJECT RUNWAY, don't we know?  I mean, he's TOTALLY OVER US.

The judges discuss their thoughts, and although Heidi skipped out on eye-makeup, she DEFINITELY didn't forget the blush.  Oh, and they definitely said "candy" when referring to Joe's queen's hoo-hah getting covered up.  Good to know.  The judges are sounding very tired of Daniel and his high-end airs, and it seems like they might kick him off.  DO IT!  AVENGE KELLI!

Everyone is brought back out, and I'm trying to telepathically influence the judges.  NO MORE DANIEL!

Winner:  Joe!  Straight Joe wins the drag queen competition!  He covered up the candy!  Alright, Joe!

Loser:  Daniel!  OH YEAH, BABY!  The only thing the judges could do right now that would make me any happier is if they brought Kelli back and apologized.  Daniel gives a half-hearted "it was really hard to hear that" and appears not to care much.  Well, he works up some tears near the end, but I am totally unmoved.  Go be "high-end" somewhere else, and may you take this as a lesson:  DON'T MESS WITH KELLI.

Now, you tell me: I know I promised up there that if the Project Runway gods would Auf Daniel, I would be nothing but nice to Stella and Blayne next week.  But, as so often happens, now that I have what I wanted, I kind of don't want to hold up my end of the bargain.  So what say you?  Do I need to keep my promise, or should my forced niceties be Auf'ed along with Danny boy?

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 5: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

I'll admit, I'm a teensy bit gun-shy about spending the (substantial) time to write this week's recap, knowing that I may just get taken to task about insignificant details or, better yet, get accused of being racist again.  Hello comment trolls, and welcome to my site!  You're making things SO much more pleasant.

But!  As this IS Project Runway (a.k.a. Show O' The Gunn) we're recapping, I will attempt to both carry on AND make it work.  As such:

We open up on scenes at Atlas Apartments again, except this time we're in...the weight room?  Weird.  But not as weird as working out in A) belted cargo shorts (Keith) or B) plaid dress pants (No-Sports Daniel).  We also get our obligatory Blayne-byte: "It's dramalicious".  I am SO OVER Blayne.

Heidi meets the designers on the runway in a metallic kimono-inspired mini-dress with a deep v-neck.  Now this is more like it, Klum!  Korto gets the choice to keep or lose her model, and of course keeps her.  Heidi changes things up a bit by not sending the designers off to find Tim and instead tells them that their challenge will be to design for a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.  Oh, and also, they need to go off and find Tim.

Back at Parsons, the designers speculate amongst themselves as to who this high-powered professional woman will be.  Various guesses are made, with Stella, who I am, if it is possible, EVEN MORE OVER THAN BLAYNE, hoping for Sharon Osborne because she is the "queen of rock".  For once, Stella, I agree with you - having Sharon Osborne on the show would be kind of awesome.  Can't you just imagine Sharon's high-pitched, whiny voice ripping all the crappy designs to shreds on the runway?  She'd be a fun judge.  Anyway, the high-powered woman turns out to be Brooke Shields, and Suede is grossly excited about this, giving us a disturbing reenactment of her old Calvin Klein ads.  Yuck.  Suede?  I'm over you, as well. 

Brooke tells the designers that they will be creating a signature look for her character in the show Lipstick Jungle, who is a high-powered executive with a musician husband and two kids.  As an aside, I have never seen the show Lipstick Jungle, but I did read the book and I mostly hated it.  It was just SO outside the realm of any normal person's life, and I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to relate with the characters.  Also, all the women in the book are like, encouraged to be blood-thirsty and cut-throat and to focus on money and power and actually?  I more than mostly hated the book.  Maybe the tv show is better?  Anyway, Tim hands the designers a dossier of "Wendy" (Brooke's character) and her outfits from season one and Brooke tells them that she needs to have an outfit that can go from day to night (i.e. from the boardroom to a glamorous evening event. you know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE, RIGHT? totally relateable).  Also, the winner of this challenge will have their outfit worn by Brooke on Lipstick Jungle.  So it's not just for pretend.  Then, Tim drops the bombshell:  the designers will be working in teams of two.  Everyone kind of smirks uncomfortably, all immediately praying that they don't end up with Stella. 

The designers are given 30 minutes to sketch and then will present their ideas to Brooke, who will in turn choose 6 designers to be the "team leaders" and do their idea.  Kenley is worried because she doesn't know if we've noticed, but some of the designers "don't really know what they're doing". 

Everyone presents their ideas to Brooke and she is, in turn: scared (of Blayne), brown-nosed (by Keith), confused (by Stella), excited (by Korto) and sung to (by Jerell).  Brooke picks: Keith (I guess flattery DOES get you everywhere!), Korto, Jerell, Kelli, Terri, and Blayne (AGGHH, PRODUCERS, STOP FORCING BLAYNE ON EVERYONE!)  Tim pulls out the dreaded velvet button bag, and gives each team leader, in turn, the chance to pick his partner.  The teams are as follows:

• Blayne and Leanne (she is NOT excited about the pairing)
• Keith and Kenley (Keith hopes to convince her to "shut her mouth and get to sewing". Sounds like a promising partnership)
• Terri and Suede (Suede kisses her)
• Korto and Joe (man, they make Joe look boring)
• Kelli and Daniel (Kelli has to pick between Daniel and Stella, and cringes but picks Daniel. OF COURSE SHE DID!  Who, in their right mind, would actually choose Stella?)
• Jerell and Stella (he's stuck with her, but is nice and says that he'll be working with leather so she can use her "skill set". Also, he calls her "Stella Barbarella")

Each team is given $150 and until midnight that night to complete their design.  Everyone heads to Mood for fabric and does their Mood thing.  Keith complains about Kenley the whole time.  Why did he choose her, anyway?  Back at Parsons, Jerell is being really nice to Stella.  I kind of like him more all of a sudden.  Kenley snipes about Keith to Daniel.  Boy, she's pleasant.  Suede and Terri have some kind of a crazy interaction where Terri speculates which Suede is packing: balls or a vajayjay.  Also, she says she "ain't got no babies", and, as such, "ain't nobody sucking on (her) titty".  Classy!  She then suggests that Suede "man up".  Suede looks like he might cry.

Kelli tells us she basically raised herself because she had absentee parents, and she hopes to win this challenge so her grandmother, who always kept her in line, could flip on the tv and see Kelli's work on Lipstick Jungle.  Blayne says he's from Yakima, Washington, which he describes as a tiny town where he stuck out like a sore thumb, and instead of making the intelligent joke about where Blayne WOULDN'T stick out like a sore thumb, I instead am focusing on the prefix "yak" in his hometown's name.  Blayne makes ME yak!  Ha!  I told you it was immature.

Kenley is acting like a b to the iatch.  Maybe "acting" is not the right term.

The models are sent in for first fittings, and everything seems to be going as planned until we see Kelli and Daniel's skirt.  They are crouched around the model, pulling and twisting and saying things like "it's not straight", "it's super crooked", "it's not ruched over here", and "DANIEL YOU SCREWED UP THE SKIRT, I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY TATTOOED ARMS OF AWESOMENESS".  Well, maybe not that last thing, but Daniel DID screw up the skirt. And Kelli DOES use the word "squabbly" to describe Daniel's zipper construction.  Kelli says the skirt is horrid, a total disaster, and wants to cut something new.  I think what she wants to cut is Daniel.  Daniel rips the skirt apart to start over and seems to be basically a good sport about things.  Except for saying he doesn't care.  I have heard others speculate that Daniel seems less than enthused about being on the show now that his boy, Wesley, is gone, and if this rumor has ANY truth to it, Kelli would have been better off choosing Stella the Freakshow as a partner.  There's nothing worse than working with someone who just doesn't give a rip.

Terri and Suede are still fighting.  Terri is the evil genius boss to Suede's meek, incompetent worker ant.  Suede didn't feel comfortable making the shirt, and Terri said MAKE IT ANYWAY, AND QUIT YER CRYING!  And so Suede made it.  And now the shirt looks terrible, and he goes to show Terri, and she says IT'S AWFUL!  FIX IT, YOU RIDICULOUS, UN-TALENTED CHILD!  Suede is having like, a panic attack a minute.

With two hours left in the workday, Tim comes in to make sure no one has completely lost it, and, at his second stop, tells Jerell and Stella that he loves their outfit, and that it looks like a true collaboration.  Jerell puts his arm around Stella and says that it was.  He's so nice!  I totally like him now.  Jerell is the popular high-school senior to Stella's reject freshman; he's helping Stella so that she can walk into school without being shoved in the locker and called a freak every day. 

Tim takes a gander at Team Kelli/Daniel and pronounces himself "dubious".  They look dubious as well, as they feebly try and explain how the outfit is transitional - their best attempt is "maybe she could wear this as a belt...or something".  Tim tells them to "hold it off", whatever that means.  Team Terri/Suede, with Suede still looking on the verge of tears, gets a desperately-needed lift in spirits when Tim dubs their look "not tragic" and says the neckline of the much-maligned blouse is fabulous.  Terri gives Tim a hug, and, after a side-long glare to Suede, he jumps at her command and leans in for the triple-hug.  I swear, he's like, TERRIFIED of her.  Get it?  Terri-fied!  I am ON today!

Tim tells Team Korto/Joe that their blouse looks like a big sweet potato.  Korto and Joe get into a flight on the spot.  Korto starts imagining Joe crossing the street just as a bus is coming.  Yowza!

Runway day, and the designers head back to Parsons to finish their stuff.  Kelli speculates that Daniel might be half-assing, because he still hasn't finished Skirt B and she's already finished a lined jacket and top.  Kenley talks nasty about Daniel, saying that he's always on about how elegant his style is but SHE'S never seen it from him.  I thought those two were friends!  I'm telling you, Kenley is Not A Nice Girl.  Blayne is actually behaving like a human this episode, and his design doesn't even seem that bad.  I'm starting to...gasp...get a TINY bit of respect for him.  I don't know if that's a sad commentary on this season's talent-pool, or if it's because he's actually a decent designer.  In a world where I could actually like Blayne, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Jerell says that when he looks over at Team Kelli/Daniel, his assessment is "nuh-uh".  It does look a little....overdone.  Tim comes in and says they have 5 minutes til the show, and "are some of you still sewing? Question mark?"  I like the idea of speaking your punctuation.  It's a good tactic.

And, finally, it's time for the runway show.  We've got Heidi (in a shiny, sleeveless pink blouse and skintight black pencil skirt), Michael Kors, Nina, and (of course) Brooke Shields as the guest judge.  My thoughts are as follows:

Team Korto/Joe: Nice, I like the color, the jacket doesn't look as big and poufy as before, and the dress underneath, although it isn't perfectly fitted (actually it has a really bad fit - yikes), is super cute.  It's a good transitional outfit

Team Kelli/Daniel - it doesn't look too bad - the shirt underneath the jacket is kind of short, but otherwise it looks kind of whatever

Team Jerell/Stella - great outfit, but it's not actually transitional - I mean, it's just a blouse, a big belt, and a skirt - it doesn't change anything from day to night

Team Keith/Kenley - I hate this outfit SO much.  The skirt is horrendous - brown feathery layered nonsense that would not flatter anyone, and the blouse is made out of what looks like neon tie-dye.  The "transitional" appeal is that the sleeves on the tie-dye blouse have strings to untie and you see more shoulder.  HATE.

Team Terri/Suede - again, there's no transitional appeal to the outfit (it just stays the same) and it looks like the blouse is cinched at the waist with a canvas utility belt, but it's a really cute blouse that can go on or off-shoulder and the pants are great and look well-made

Team Blayne/Leanne - Ugh, the bermuda shorts are tapered by the knee with a thick cuff.  That is NOT flattering.  And the top looks kind of droopy and gives the model saggy boob.  The best thing about the outfit is the pearl necklace the model's wearing, and unless Blayne sewed that, I think he's in trouble

Heidi wants to see Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel, Keith/Kenley, and Blayne/Leanne.  Meaning Terri/Suede and Korto/Joe are safe. 

Jerell/Stella - Brooke likes it, except for the belt, Heidi likes the belt and says when it came out she was like "boom".  MK says it's flirty, feminine, sexy without being cheap, and chic.  Nina says it's well-made, and that is high-praise coming from Perfectionist Nina.

Kelli/Daniel - Brooke says the shape is the truly unfortunate part.  Wait, what?  She says it looks cheap.  MK says "slutty, slutty, slutty".  Nina says it's a question of taste - and you can't get taste if you don't already have it.  That doesn't sound like a question to me!  Kelli says maybe she should have edited herself more, and MK says Daniel should have said something.  Does that mean they assume Kelli is tasteless and Daniel has to monitor her?  This is all seeming quite rude towards poor Kelli.  Heidi asks: if one of them had to go home, which one should it be and why?  Kelli, of course, says Daniel should go home and he looks super-offended.  Daniel counters by saying he has impeccable, high-end taste, and Horrible B Kenley starts laughing and can't stop.

Keith/Kenley - Brooke likes it and says her character could wear this.  Nina says it may not be "day" enough but it's impeccable.  MK says that their teamwork is really great.

Blayne/Leanne - Brooke says she was scared, and it was for good reason.  The outfit is too casual and not sophisticated enough.  Nina says Blayne didn't listen to what the challenge was.  Heidi says the model looks like a woman who didn't have a mirror, and just grabbed things and put it all on in the dark.  Nina tells Leanne that she is surprised she would let something so "...enhh" go down the runway.  Blayne defends himself by saying "don't you know I'm crazy?", and MK calls him out by saying the pieces weren't special-crazy, but just boring.  They are asked the "who should go home" question, and Blayne says since he was the leader and it was his idea he should.  Leanne agrees.

The judges confer, and they all love Jerell/Stella.  Keith/Kenley's outfit gets dubbed "sophisticated and appropriate for the character".  Ugh, I guess "Wendy" wears really repulsive clothing on the show, then.  Kell/Daniel get hated on some more for being cheap and tasteless.  Nina says, again, that she questions both their taste levels, but especially Kelli's.  Nina!  Why all the hate?  Do you not like tatted-up girls?  Heidi tries to be a voice of reason by reminding everyone that Daniel didn't bring much to this, or ANY, challenge this season.  That's something I can agree with.  Blayne/Leanne are last on the chopping block and Nina seems convinced that Blayne just doesn't listen to or follow directions.  He is deemed "bratty".  And MK says Leanne lost her voice and confidence on this challenge.  At any rate, the decision has been made and the results are as follows:

Winner:  Keith.  What can I say?  I hate Kenley, I hated their design, and I totally disagree with the judges.  Jerell and Stella's design was much better, as was Terri and Suede's.

Loser:  Kelli.  OH MY GOSH.  Now I really DON'T have anything to say.  I mean, seriously?  Kelli goes home while Blayne, Stella, AND Daniel all get to stay?  Kelli, as she noted, has never even been in the bottom on a challenge, and she won the first day, right out of the gate.  She is pissed, AS SHE SHOULD BE, saying that she'll go home and make "classy clothes" on her own time.

I am crushed.  Kelli was my favorite, and although, I suppose, she didn't always make the MOST high-end garments, I just can't get around the fact that the supposed "reason" Kelli was sent home was for "poor taste" and yet Stella still remains on the show, able and willing to stitch up another leatha Hot Topic-worthy monstrosity next week.  SERIOUSLY, YOU KICKED KELLI OFF FOR BEING TASTELESS AND STELLA THE METH ADDICT IS STILL ON THE SHOW, MAKING CROPPED PLEATHER HALTER-TOPS AND CORSET-LACED CROTCH PANTS. 

That is all.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 4: Are There Really Still This Many Designers Left?

I'm trying a new recap method here today.  See?  Nothing but excitement, excitement, excitement around these parts.  It's a mile a minute, I tell ya.  Anyway, I am going to live-recap (well, sort of - it's Friday but I'm writing as I watch it for the first time) Project Runway this episode, mainly because I think we all agree, at this point that A) there are so many designers this season that it's STILL hard to get a real idea of what any of then can do and B) almost all of the designers this season are....not that great.

We open, as usual, on the Atlas aptartments, where Korto, in one breath, laments losing "her Emily" and also says "oh well, it's a competition, someone's gotta go!".  Then she says something about needing to put her foot into the next challenge.  I take this to mean she feels that she needs to step it up.  I'm unfamiliar with "putting your foot into" things.  There's Kenley,  Hi, Kenley, you never should have won the immunity you're gloating about.

Yowza, Heidi's "meet-the-designers-on-the-runway" outfit is NOT GOOD.  It looks to be leather (Stella is convulsing in pleasure) leggings and a grey, sheer, unflattering blouse worn untucked over a black bra.  Ugh.  This, even on Ms. Klum, manages to look both trashy and sloppy at the same time.  Bad form, Heidi.  It's time for the model swap, but Kenley is smart enough to realize that her win should be attributed 60% to her model, 30% to the judges rampant crack smoking throughout the last episode, and 10% to Kenley's talent.  She sticks with her gorgeous model, sending the other girl home.  Bye!

Heidi sends the designers to meet Tim for another field trip.  Jerell doesn't know where they're going, but he sure hopes it has nothing to do with female wrestlers.  You and me both, Jerell!  We get a brief glimpse of Joe, the talented-yet-ignored straight dude, and I'm hoping that this episode features him a little more.  Because, lest I remind you, I have already predicted the top three:  Terri, Joe, and (I hope) Kelli (but might be Korto).  Tim and Blayne engage in a tanning conversation, with the ever-so-well-spoken Tim inquiring as to how often Blayne "has" to go tanning.  Blayne tries to look sultry as he tucks a piece of fried hair behind one ear and says he'd preferably go every other day.  Tim opines that it seems like an awful lot of time spent...tanning, and Blayne explains it by saying "you know, some people go to the gym...I tan."  Yeah Blayne, it's apples and apples.

The designers and Tim (who have all been riding in a van together) reach their destination: The Amory Track and Field Center.  Snoozie Snoozefest (Jennifer) says, in monotone, that she's worried because it seems like a "different" sort of challenge.  Suede says the center is "ginormous".  Ugh.  I hate that word, but the place IS huge.  Some dude speed skating around the track on rollerblades comes up to the designers and it's Apolo Ohno, who apparently is an Olympic speed skater for the USA.  Even though the name "Apolo Ohno" doesn't sound American, at all.  He sounds American though, and as he talks to the designers, we're treated to little sound-bytes from several of them pretending to know who Apolo is and gushing about how much they love him.  Umm, I doubt it.  Also: is Stella wearing makeup today?  She looks surprisingly fresh-faced, and that thought is confirmed even more so when they cut to her interview film and she's all eyelinered up.  Wow Stella, you almost look...dare I say....pretty, without all your Aging Rockstar makeup.

Apolo explains that the challenge for the week is to create a new, exciting outfit for the US Olympic athletes to wear during the Opening Ceremonies for the Summer Games (which, btw, are tonight! see, that's why I waited until Friday to write this - all in the plan).  Daniel is mad about having to design for the Olympics.  Because he doesn't even WATCH that kind of stuff.  He's rolling his eyes and making fun of the whole endeavor.  Yeah, that might work for a lot of things, Daniel, but this is the OLYMPICS.  I mean, it's kind of a big deal.  As if to prove this point further, Apolo goes on to explain that the Opening Ceremonies are kind of like the catwalk for the athletes, and that the whole ceremony means a great deal to him, and to America.  Now who's rude with all the eye rolling, DANIEL??  Luckily Blayne sees the importance of the challenge, as he tells us "heck yeah, I'll be going for the gold!". 

Joe is super excited about the challenge.  He's watched the Olympics every year, and he is really just happy to make something having to do with sports.  Stella wants to do "gladiator cavewoman".  Sounds promising, Stella.  NOT.

Yes, I did just drop a "NOT" in here.  So what?

Daniel continues to scoff at the challenge, saying he's just "not into" this type of thing.  The designers wander through a museum attached to The Amory to get inspired for their Olympic outfits, and then it's off to Mood for fabric.  Stella, in a move that will shock the world, is using black, and Tim does one of the funniest things I've ever seen him do - luckily for me, it will translate much better in writing; I'm honestly impressed he could do it so easily with the spoken word.  Just goes to show, once again, his superior grasp on the English language:

Tim: You're using black??

Stella: Why, is it bad?

Tim: I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just...inquiring.  You're using black? (inflection ONLY at the very end, after he's already stated it as a non-judgmental observation only.  Good Lord, what I wouldn't give for this man's word skills)

With 5 minutes left at Mood, Keith steals Terri's fabric, and she is NOT happy.  I feel ya, Terri.  I'd be mad too.  She says "no you DIH-ENT", and Keith kind of lamely defends himself.  I wonder if this will become an issue, but I doubt it because Terri is like one billion times better than Keith and she can beat him regardless of fabric choices.

Back at Parson's, Joe is still super pumped about this challenge.  They have 9 hours to work today, and the winner of the challenge gets immunity.  Stella is kind enough to completely re-explain the challenge to us, like she's explaining it to a 4 year-old.  She is emphasizing key words like "America" and "Olympic Games" and says it's "serious business", all with an appropriately serious look on her face.  It's no joke, she adds.  I honestly think she hears information, assimilates it in her brain, and then repeats it back to HERSELF this way.  So thanks for that little, terrifying glimpse into the inner-workings of your Aging Rocker brain, Stella.

Everyone talks about whether they've played sports or not, and we have a regular athletic conference in the sewing room!  Between Stella, Leanne, Joe, and Daniel we have modern dance, cheerleading, football (until 9th grade only) and Putt-Putt represented. 

Joe's decided to make a skort, and I am wondering if it will catch the revile of all the judges.  Daniel is doing a cocktail look from the 40's.  I know he said he's totally not into sports, but he does realize what the Olympics IS, right?  I mean, it's not a cocktail competition; that's one thing it's not. 

Blayne: "I am an Olympian of tanning, I like to tan, I am going to shrivel up if I don't get to tan soon, blah blah".

Terri, who we've all agreed is AWESOME, makes pants, a vest, a shirt, AND a matching jacket.  Leanne thinks Terri might have a sweatshop under her table, such is her shock at how many pieces Terri just "churned out".  No, Leanne, Terri's just actually good.  You wouldn't understand.

Suzy Snooze wonders if she should go the tracksuit route (yes) or stick with her own style (no).  She opts to stick with her own style.  Brilliant.

Stella is asked why she is doing all black, and she says because it's the space-age.  Hmm.  Then she says she knew black would be a risk, and I ignore whatever she says next because I know that she knows that she's allowed to take risks after her Skanktastic Atrocity of last week wasn't even called into question.  She's clearly on the show for entertainment value only, and, as such, will continue to make whatever she wants with no regard for normal-person aesthetics or wearability.

I know it has been mentioned, but seriously, Leanne and SnoozeGirl look almost exactly the same.  Was that on purpose, Bravo?  I almost can't tell them apart; it's like being friends with identical twins - you end up telling them apart by picking the one who is slightly prettier and remembering her.  So, in keeping with this rule, Snoozie, you're out again.

Oh look, Keith was an athlete.  He did competitive gymnastics from a very young age.  Do you ever wonder if these people just make things up on the spot and then when all their friends and family watch the show when it comes out, they are like, "Wha? You went to the LittleGym for like, a week, Keith.  Since when is that 'competitive gymnastics'?"

Apparently Kenley laughs a lot, and all the designers are finding it annoying.  You know what I find annoying?  When someone makes a truly ugly outfit and then, somehow, they win the challenge anyway.  Jerell wants someone to get Kenley a muzzle.  I just want someone to get her some design talent.  Wait, am I bitter?

Korto tells us about where she came from (Liberia), how she came to America (they were exiled), and how no one in her family has let her give up on her design dream.  I'm glad, because Korto is one of the only designers this season who is actually decent.

Tim comes in for his challenge checkup.  Joe shows Tim the skort, and Tim likes it (and Joe's multi-colored zipper, according to Tim, has "wit").  Whew!  Tim goes to see Blayne and tells him that his jacket is looking at little Sgt. Pepper.  Blayne apparently has no idea about The Beatles, any of their songs, or when they were popular, guessing that the Beatles era was "the 30's".  Tim is appalled.  I am whatever.  Blayne is a half-baked little gnome with straw for hair and round plastic balls for eyes.  I would be more embarrassed if he liked all the music I enjoy.  Daniel's cocktail dress looks like a flight attendant uniform, and he is worried that it looks like Superman.  One thing is for sure, no one is thinking it looks Olympic.  Jarell's dress is crazy.  Snooze's dress appears matronly, to Tim.  Or wait, did he say it seems "junior"?  Either way, it looks dumb, and she needs to ramp it up.

Joe's sound-byte about "there's too much drama because there are too many queens around" comes into play because Daniel has re-threaded and stolen Joe's sewing machine. Daniel defends himself, but I dunno if I buy it.  When I was in fashion design school, we all had "our" machines just like you have "your lunch table" in high school.  I would have definitely wondered about it if I would have come into class and seen someone else using "my" machine.  Come on, Daniel, surely you know these unspoken rules...or is there too much "sport" to it?

It's runway day, and the designers wake up back at Atlas.  Stella looks sick.  I mean, really, she looks like I look when I'm trying not to puke.  Oh and look!  We get another Stella-pretation - she explains to the camera what "immunity" means.  "It means you have the chance to f*%$ up and NOT get fired," Stella says, speaking very slowly and deliberately.  Oh, so THAT'S why people want it! 

Back at Parson's, the designers have 3 hours to finish.  Hey, I think Kelli has tattoo sleeves on BOTH arms.  She is pretty hardcore, but still so blonde and sweet-looking.  I like your style, girlie.  Jerell has made an insane polka-dotted, stripey outfit WITH a floppy hat.  If the Olympics were moved to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, then I guess this might be a competitive outfit.  Otherwise, NO.

Stella tells her model to "go to my girl over there - she does your hair the way I like it".  Like the TRESemme Salon is some little divey hair shop Stella discovered and has exclusive access to.  But I honestly believe Stella thinks this is the case.  The woman lives in her own little world.

Runway show!  Heidi, Michael, and Nina are there as always.  Apolo is the guest judge.  Also, I think Heidi has become subconsciously influenced by Stella's near-constant leatha-speak, because although she looks pretty, Heidi is wearing like, a chic-biker look today.  Black leather mini-skirt and a black embellished top, with lots of studs and little spikes.  Heidi, you need to find a way to block the Stella brain-waves, ASAP.

 

Korto - nice, with a cute vest that might be a little shapeless, but I could see athletes in this

Suede - love it, want the skirt - but would all the athletes really wear this?

Kelli - she says it may not be 110% relevant to the Olympics - I say it's not AT ALL relevant, other than being red, white and blue, but it's cute anyway.  Very vintagey.  No way they would wear it

Joe - totally cute, but what happened to the skort?  It's all long in the front...however, this is definitely something I could see being worn at the Olympics

Leanne - ooh, this is SO cute.  I want the shorts, and I would like the top as well, maybe with a little less red and blue pluming.  Umm, okay so I take back my jab from earlier, Leanne.  Well done

Daniel - looks like a cartoon flight attendant. No way would any Olympian wear this. Ever.

Jerell - insane, crazy, polka-dotted mess, worn over leggings although there is no need for them.  And the floppy hat puts it over the top. NO.

Stella - again, it's just awful.  It has like, a hole cut out near the bellybutton so we can see that body part, and the black pants are capri-length, and the top has these weird cap-sleeves that are trimmed with red and silver - it's just terrible and the look on Nina's face says "I hate this, but am not allowed to kick you off, so I will fix you with a steely gaze and hope that my eyes say what my judging cannot."  I'm with you, Nina.

Keith - no, no, no.  Puffy bubble skirt that is way too short and NO one would wear this at the Opening Ceremonies, not even to watch from home

Terri - awesome.  I love it, it looks great, and it is definitely wearable for the event

McSnooze - just.awful.  It looks poorly made, I have no idea what the shirt under the little bolero is made of but it looks like old, faded cotton, and it looks completely uninspired and un-American

Blayne - hmm, it's actually okay, I guess.  The band at the bottom of the top makes it look sporty, and if they were forced, I could see athletes wearing this - especially if the pants weren't skinny-leg

Kenley - again, has she ever seen the Olympics at all?  This is a tight, high-waisted pencil skirt with a boatnecked blouse tucked in.  This would look good on 1% of the population, and of that 1%, 95% are sticking their fingers down their throats to puke up the carrot sticks they had for lunch.  No one with even a single curve or muscle would look good in this

Suede, Kelli, Leanne, Stella, Keith, Blayne and Kenley are all safe.  Yeah, so that's why Stella will take risks.  She's untouchable.  Next week she should just send a garbage bag down the runway, tied at the waist with some left over muslin.  Oh wait, SHE'S ALREADY DONE THAT. 

This leaves:

Terri - judges like, MK says "hurrah" for American sportswear, Nina says the team would look very sharp and well-dressed

Snooze - judges hate, they don't see Olympic or America, Apolo says it wouldn't make anyone feel confident, Nina says Snooze can't separate herself from the challenge, and the model looks silly

Joe - judges like, Heidi loves the multi-colored zipper as well, and Apolo waxes almost inappropriately about what amazing bodies Olympic athletes have and how this would show it all off.  MK notes that the skort got kind of messed up, but overall says it's "smart"

Daniel - no one likes it, because it's awful.  Also, it's purple.  Nina says it has no relevance with the challenge, and Heidi gives Daniel a VERY condescending colorblindness test to see why he thinks his dress is blue, MK says the color is the least of his problems; model looks like she's from the Republic of Cocktail Land

Korto - everyone likes, because it looks chic and crisp, and modern.  Nina says team would be super chic, and Heidi says America would be proud

Jerell - it's insane!  What else can you say?  Nina is puzzled, says it looks like Mary Had a Little Lamb, MK gets the giggles, and says it's totally uncomfortable.  Heidi says Jerell has great "idears", but this is just crazy

Judges confer, and come up with their decision.  They love Korto and Terri equally, it seems, and Joe did a very good job interpreting athletic.  Jerell gets a pass because it was crazy enough to be interesting, and Daniel annoys the judges by going so far away from what the challenge should have been.  Snoozie bores the judges completely.  As per usual.

Winner:  Korto!  Heidi still can't say her name correctly, but Korto doesn't let that cramp her style as she goes offstage squealing about how happy she is and tells the camera "it's about freakin' time".

Loser:  SnoozeGirl, ska Jennifer.  She talks AGAIN about her style, and her surrealism, and everyone is so over it.  Goodbye, and may you have a long and prosperous career working as a helpful aide at a Sleep Disorders Clinic.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 3: I Turn My Camera On (Well, Except For Stella; She Doesn't Know How To Operate One)

My first order of business is to note that LeeAnn, when she wears those glasses, looks EXACTLY like a boy wearing a wig.  And not in a "I am a boy but really want to be a girl and this is a really good, high quality wig", either.  She looks like a geeky 15 year-old boy dressing up as a girl for Halloween.  LeeAnn, surely there is something that can be done about this, yes?  I'd suggest looking into whatever that is.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can (hee!) carry on.  Project Runway opens up this week giving us a brief look at the designers sans Wesley.  The only one who really seems saddened by the loss is Daniel, a fact which surprises exactly no one.  We know y'all's secret, y'all!  LeeAnn stoops down to tie his cross-trainers and get ready for school.  Stella won't get out of bed because she needs 10 more minutes of beauty sleep.  If that's actually your reasoning, Stella, I'm in support - although just between you and me, I think you're way too far gone for all that.  Zing!

Heidi Kluuuum meets the designers out on the runway in an exceptionally boring outfit.  Blue jeans, a brown belt, and a white blouse, reminiscent of the Pirate Shirt from Seinfeld.  My guess is that the producers are throwing a bone to the .05% of their audience comprised of heterosexual men, because when I mused, aloud, that I couldn't imagine a duller way in which to dress Heidi "The Body" Klum, Cody said he thought it looked nice.  Is this like when they had Tiki Barber on for an episode last season?  Anyway, Heidi tells the designers that she's not going to tell them their next challenge because they've been working so hard and they deserve a night out on the town.  Tim will take them!  None of the designers believe her one bit.

Wait, I take it back, Stella seems to not only have believed Heidi, but also has manufactured an entirely alternate reality in her mind, asking the other designers whether or not they think it will be exciting to get to go to Tim Gunn's house.  "I mean, do you think there's room enough for all of us?" wonders Stella.  The other designers look at her out of the corner of their eyes and mumble a collective "uhhh...".  Tim meets them at the Atlas Apartments and Blayne asks him if they're going clubbing.  Tim mentions it's raining about seventy times and tells them to prepare accordingly.  "You know, I'm sorry I just came in here all wet, it's just that it's raining, and rainy, and we're going out in the wet, because it's raining out there, and I want you to be ready for the rain because it's really rainy!  Rain!"

The designers and Tim all clomp down the street wearing red, plastic rain ponchos and rainboots.  They come upon a big, blue, double-decker bus, and Tim says "yay, this is what we're doing!"  Blayne is less than excited, noting that what he REALLY wanted was to get all dolled up and go dancing.  Blayne skeeves me out so severely that I often can't come up with extra commentary for his ridiculous statements.  Tim explains the challenge to the designers, which is to take pictures of New York at Night and use those pictures as inspiration for their design.  The bus will make four different stops, a different group of designers will get off at each stop, and they'll have one hour to take as many New York at Night pictures as they can.

Stella can't believe how fun the bus is.  She's lived in New Yawk her whole life but she's never done a bus tour, and she thinks it's just the absolute coolest.  She is totally tripping out, and as she starts to break out in a rousing rendition of "A Whole New World", her stop is called and she's thrown, unceremoniously out onto the sidewalk.  Or, she just walks off the bus, however you choose to imagine it.  Blayne, Keith and Kenley are in Stella's group, and as they all walk around, happily pointing and shooting, Stella stays behind, fiddling with her digital camera and whining that she needs help.  "Do ya know how'ta zooom?" Stella asks.  "I can't get this thing to work!"  Blayne mentions that he would like to find a tanning bed, and Kenley looks annoyed with the whole lot of them.  She and Keith begin to wax eloquent about photography, talking about exposure times and how the light and different angles can be totally inspiring, and are interrupted (imagine the sound of the needle on a record player scratching) by Stella, who is stumbling around like she's coming down from a bad LSD bus trip, and moaning about how her camera is so difficult to operate. 

Eventually the picture-taking hour expires and the designers find their way back to Atlas, where Blayne puts on red short-shorts and Jerrell slathers his face with some kind of moisturizing mask.  They flirt a bit with each other until Jerrell remembers how terrifying and alien-esque Blayne is, and then they all go to sleep.  The next morning finds all the designers and Tim at Parson's, where Tim gives them 30 minutes to go through their pictures and print out ONE shot to use for inspiration.  Th producers, kindly, don't subject us to any more verbal confirmation of Stella's inability to function, but they do cut to a shot of her turning her printer over and looking at it like a cavewoman might.  "Ungh," Stella thinks.  "This not leatha....this not food...what this?"

The designers all pick their photos and get to work.  Blayne has selected a neon mess that he is exited about.  "It doesn't even LOOK like a picture!" exclaims Blayne.  "It's so...NEON!"  You know those silly status messages you can put on Facebook or (in Blayne's case, I'm sure) MySpace?  They have your name and then "is" and then let you put whatever you want.  Like "Aging Rocker Stella is, allegedly, addicted to Meth".  Well, Blayne should do his as "Blayne is NEON!" and leave it like that.  It really does explain so much.  Keith continues to pretend he is a great photographer, and explains that the shot he picked is one of a wet magazine laying on the sidewalk.  It has a lot of volume, Keith says, and that's what he was looking for.  I don't know about it, Keith.  I've personally NEVER ONCE seen a wet magazine that looked voluminous.  Pillows, balloons, clouds, taffeta, marshmallows, even candy wrappers...but never magazines.

It's Mood Fabric time!  And I hadn't thought about it, but this really is the first time this season of designers has been to Mood.  Stella, shockingly, becomes completely confused 15 seconds after entering the store.  "It's like a maze!" she laments.  "Where's somebawdy to help me?"  We finally get a moment with Terri Stevens, who tells us she's very urban, street, and hip-hop.  She's totally a badass, and I want to take this moment - yes, this very one! - to predict that Terri will be one of the designers presenting at Bryant Park in the finals.  You heard it here first.  Kenley explains to the camera that she has a 40's, pin-up girl aesthetic, and then proceeds to buy fabric that looks like it should be made into a mumu for my grandmother.  If she lived in Boca.  Yowza!

Back at Parsons, the designers are given until the end of the day (13 hours) to complete their inspiration piece.  Various sound bytes from the design process include:

Boy In Wig (aka LeeAnn) telling everyone she he fears that he'll be TOO creative.  I think he should be afraid of the swirleys, since that's what nearly did him in last week and his inspiration photo is (wait for it...) A SWIRLY THING.

Emily stands in her corner, draping fabric and explaining that her inspiration shot, a curvy ray of light, shows a lot of movement and she wants to show that in her dress.  She's awfully cute and kind of pixieish.  I think I might be getting a teensy crush on old Em.

Keith is sewing tiny pieces of fabric onto his dress and lets us know that sewing tiny pieces of fabric is a lot of work.  Thanks for the stunning insight, Keith.

Terri tells Kelli that she's "tough and dirty".  Kelli squeals and repeats it back to her, giggling. "Tough and dirty!  We're tough and dirty!"

Blayne gives Kenley a horrifying googley-eyed staredown, and then says "I'M GONNA EAT YOU".  See?  I can't even say anything about that.  I am way, way too frightened.

Stella, in the 5 seconds she was able to operate her camera, managed to take a picture of a black leather horse blinder.  I know, it's shocking, right?  So she's gonna go ahead and do some leather, she tells the camera.  It's because that's what she's into.  Leather.  Oh really, Stella?  Who knew?

Tim comes in with three hours left in the day to give the designers some constructive criticism.  He meets first with Jennifer, who will henceforth be known as Snooze, Snoozefest, or some other derivation of that word.  Her piece looks appropriately boring, and Tim tells her she still has tons of work to do.  So it's not only boring, but also time-consuming.  Sounds like a math problem, in which case Snoozey McSnooze might be better served in the Mathletes, not Project Runway.

Keith's dress looks like it has tons of tiny pieces of fabric sewn all over it in a completely shapeless, unorganized mess.  Tim thinks the same.  Keith says something, but I didn't care enough to write it down.  Kenley's grandma mumu fabric is still super ugly and Tim is worried about her concept.  She is apparently planning on using a multi-colored piece of taffeta as part of the garment, along with Fug Mumu.  Tim suggests that it might be costumey, and Kenley recoils in shock.  Tim is like, "whoa dude, chill" and says maybe she should just do it anyway.  Kenley says "I will," in a very snooty tone.  Well!

Terri's mannequin looks cool.  Tim goes over and Terri tells him how urban and hip-hop she is.  She also tells Tim that she's making a backless dress and will put pants under the dress.  So when the model turns around, it will be like, BAM.  Tim wonders if it will be a good BAM or a bad one.  She says he'll love it.  Boy With Wig has somehow made one of the coolest skirts I have ever seen on Project Runway, any season.  Like seriously, all it says in my notes is: LeeAnn - ooh, good good, wow, love it.  It's a great skirt, and Tim loves it as well.  We're all completely terrified that LeeAnn will ruin everything by making some awful, over-designed top, and Tim warns her against it.  She says "okay, so like, just really simple on the top?"  Yeah, LeeAnn - the skirt was a one-of, and you could probably just send it out there by itself and it will still give you the best chance of winning you'll ever have.

Cute little Emily is making her Wave Of Light dress and Tim seems to hate it.  She looks miserable and says "so this is...disappointing?"  Tim considers softening the blow but decides to be blunt.  "Yes, " he says.  Apparently he wasn't blunt enough, though, because not 5 seconds later, Emily tells the camera Tim gave her "mixed messages" and she's going to continue on with her concept.  Umm, Emily?  "This is disappointing" is a pretty clear "that sucks, you better change it" message.  Heed the Gunn!

The designers finish up and Blayne gives Tim a lesson in what "Holla atcha boy" means.  "You know," says Blayne.  "It's like 'holla atcha dog Shadow!'".  Oh, NOW we get it, Blayne!  Terri the hip-hop queen explains it for real.  Tim tries it out for fun, and after a few misguided "hollers", gets it right, and all the designers cheer except for Blayne, who is over in the corner playing with his dog, Shadow. 

What will happen next?  Who will be Auf'ed?  Will I be late for work if I don't leave right this second? 

Please tune in later this afternoon for the rousing conclusion to this week's Project Runway escapade

I'm back!  I know, I totally missed you too.  Okay, on with the show. 

It's runway day, and as we see the designers leaving their apartments for Parson's, I catch a glimpse of what LOOKS like Aging Rocker Stella's behind, encased in the RED STRIPEY LEGGINGS.  Again.  We've talked about this, Stella.  Not only are you tragically re-wearing a very memorable piece FAR before the appropriate time to do so, YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR LEGGINGS.  Actually, let me rephrase.  You might be able to wear those leggings, even at your age, if you were hot.  But instead, you're Super Gross.  And yet, you continue to do just atrocious things to your backside by encasing it in horizontally striped spandex.  She's breaking like, 15 rules of fashion every time she slides those Cat-In-The-Hat rejects on.

Joe (who we NEVER hear from) hints to the camera that some shoddy workmanship is taking place; he wonders aloud how many pincushions will come down the runway.  Terri tells her model that her piece will either win or be in the top three.  I tend to agree with Terri.  Snoozefest is worried and says she's "shaking in her boots".  Y.A.W.N.

Heidi meets the designers wearing what can only be a visual homage to Nina's "fastest way to look cheap" comment from last week: a tight, short, shiny leather skirt and a sheer animal print blouse.  Is this a slap in the face to Nina?  Or are they collaborating to prove Nina's point further?  I'm telling you, these are deep questions.  Sandra Bernhard is the guest judge this week.  I don't really have any idea why, other than the fact that she was introduced as a New York nightlife affectionado, but she's funny so I'll let it stand.  The runway show begins and my likes and dislikes are as follows:

Keith - eh 

Blayne - awful. Looks like a costume for a modern dance recital 

Joe - it's good.  A bit predictable, but only because his stuff always looks decent 

Emily - looks exactly the same as when Tim told her to change it 

LeeAnn - really, really good.  And she didn't even screw up the top! 

Snoozie - not as bad as I thought, but looks NOTHING like her inspiration pic of a clock 

Jerrell - interesting, long, green, and very ruffly 

Stella Kelli - the mere fact that I thought this was Stella's work should tell the tale.  It's awful. 

Daniel - eh 

Kenley - HATE.  Makes the models hips look huge, fabric is awful, skirt is awful and poufy 

Suede - decent, and he actually impresses me for once with his spot-on assessment that the judges might think it's too plain - doesn't look inspired by anything 

Stella - DOUBLE HATE.  Horrible brown pants with a corset closure and a silver metallic leather halter top.  Looks like something you would get for $15.99 at Hot Topic.  In fact, the model looks like she possibly has contracted an STD just by WEARING this sluttastic monstrosity 

Korto - black and boring

Terri - super cool 

The judges want to see Keith, Kenley, Emily, Terri, Snoozefest, and LeeAnn.  Everyone else is safe.  This is where the show really started to fall apart for me.  Because really?  REALLY?  Stella, with her leatha STD ensemble is SAFE?  Blayne doesn't even have to defend his modern dance leotard?  At least Kenley is gonna have to explain her one-hipped wonder.

And, as it happens, they want to talk to Kenley first.  Sandra Berhard starts off on the right track by noting that no one but a pin-thin model could ever wear the dress and look even halfway decent.  Kenley tries the old "it could hide flaws" routine, but no one is buying it.  "Yeah, if she had one big thigh and one thin thigh," says Michael Kors.  "Or if she had a big goiter," adds Sandra B., causing me to giggle.  And then, inexplicably, Nina LIKES the dress and suddenly so does Michael and what just happened?  The dress is awful, seriously.  They were just talking about how it looks like it's made for someone with a hip goiter, and now they like it?  I am upset.

The judges move on to Keith and they don't like his dress.  Okay, I can agree with that; it's definitely not great.  Next up is Terri, and they all love it.  Sandra especially compliments Terri, telling her that she seems cool and tough, and that the outfit makes the model look like she could cut someone.  Awesome.  The judges and I are getting back in sync.  Emily is next and she should have known better than to ignore Tim Gunn.  No one likes her dress, and Nina says it's more of a Carmen Miranda moment than a garment.  LeeAnn's skirt gets rave reviews, as it should.  Heidi says she would wear it right this second, and everyone is glad LeeAnn didn't ruin it with a crazy top.  Snooze is last, and the only judge who seems to even have an opinion on her dress one way or the other is Michael Kors, who doesn't like it.  He says the hem is bad, but Nina and Heidi don't appear to care about her dress at all.  I am wondering why they called her, rather than one of the SEVERAL other bad options they had to choose from (ahem, STD-ELLA).

The designers are sent offstage, the judges confer, and to listen to them, it sounds like Jennifer Snoozefest will be going home.  It's sad, but it's well-known that being boring is a higher crime on Project Runway than merely creating crappy stuff.  Bore the judges and you're done for.  The judges also rave about Terri's outfit, and agree that LeeAnn really vindicated herself after the brown shiny disaster of last week.  So it sounds to me like Terri's winning and Snoozie is done for.

Except!  This week the judges are WACK, and they don't do any of that.

Winner:  Kenley.  Yeah you read that right, MUMU GOITER QUEEN KENLEY.  Ugh!  She dances offstage or something, I can't remember because I was too busy making disgusted noises and yelling at Nina, who singlehandedly orchestrated this win.

Loser:  Cute Emily!  I know!  I didn't even have time to recover from the Kenley shock, and now they're throwing sweet little pixie girl off?  It's just ridiculous, is what it is, and Emily knows it.  She's pissed during her exit interview, and tells everyone that there's NO WAY her dress was the worst.  You're right, Emily!  It wasn't even third worse!

This week is wack.  I'm sorry Emily was a casualty of what I can only assume is producers pulling strings to keep the two crazies, Blayne and Stella, around longer.  It's disappointing though, because in the past Project Runway hasn't stooped to the normal reality TV standards, and has pretty consistently eliminated the worst contestants every week.  You're too good for this, ProRun!  Now next week let's cut out the shenanigans and play fair.  Or else Terri's model will cut you.