All Or Nothing

Tact.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines the word as such:

Main Entry: tact (noun)

1 : sensitive mental or aesthetic perception (converted the novel into a play with remarkable skill and tact) 

2 : a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense

Implies delicate and considerate perception of what is appropriate. Stresses dexterity and grace in dealing with new and trying situations and may imply success in attaining one's ends.  Stresses self-possession and ease in meeting difficult situations.

Are you good at this?  I mean, are you naturally a tactful person?  Or are you like me, a person who either clams up at the first sign of awkwardness or, conversely, inserts foot so deeply in mouth that a full recovery is almost impossible?

Q: You look great/you've lost weight!  How much do you weigh now?
A (with tact):  Only the scale knows my secret! (winking)
A (without tact): Ummm....what?  I mean, thanks!  So, how much...err...I weigh?...(insert exact amount you weigh and blush unattractively, wondering WHY you just blurted that one out)

Q: What a great job you've got!  How much do you make?
A (with tact): It's never enough, is it? (chuckle knowingly)
A (without tact):  How MUCH do I MAKE?  Really?  Umm, I don't feel comfortable discussing money like that...(and the conversation ends awkwardly)

Q (pregnant-looking woman walks up to you and looks at you expectantly): ....
A (with tact): Hello there!  You look great.  How are you feeling?
A (without tact):  Oh how exciting, when are you due?  (woman who had her baby three months ago looks crestfallen/pissed and snaps "I gave birth IN MAY."  You die of embarrassment)

I have found myself to be miserably lacking in natural tact.  Especially when I am called upon to assess the situation and come up with a sensitive, non-offensive response in lighting speed, as in the examples above.  Sadly, I also find myself with a severe tact deficiency even when I have time to dissect a situation for hours, sometimes days.  I still usually come up with something that at the time seems good, but when put into practice turns out just horribly.

I am coming to the conclusion that those who are blessed with the natural gift of tact are akin to those who are naturally blessed, say, with incredible athletic skills and end up playing professional sports.  Or those who are so genetically blessed that they end up on the covers of magazines all over the world.  Or those who are so musically gifted that they're playing entire concertos, by ear, at the age of six.  It's a blessing, a natural genius, an instinct. 

Still, just like I can improve my medial volleyball skills by playing more than once a year, surely there are measures I could take to increase my tactfulness.  I just don't know what they are.

So tell me, are you one of these naturally tactful geniuses?  Give me your secret!  If, though, you're spectacularly awkward like me, at least give me some empathy.  Commiserate with me in the comments - what's the least (or most) tactful thing you've ever said?

Project Runway Season 5, Episode 1: When A Tablecloth Really Is JUST a Tablecloth

First of all, hi!  I am so excited to be recapping Project Runway this season, mostly because I am obsessed with ProRun and all Bravo shows of its nature.  Sure, Top Design was kind of meh, but Top Chef is...well...tops.  And Project Runway, being my first love, will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Until next season, when they're switching production companies and moving to LIFETIME.  Yeah that's right, Lifetime.  As in, the same channel that does gloriously cheesy movies like "When To Hide From Him: The Kim Edwards Story".  I don't know if my relationship with ProRun will make it through such a massive overhaul, but luckily I don't have to worry about that right now because YAY!  SEASON 5 PREMIERED ON BRAVO LAST NIGHT!

Another serious matter -  the Project Runway Recap Torch has been passed to me from none other than my iBFF, Antoinette, and if I fail to carry that torch (and carry it well!) then I will be letting down thousands, nay, TENS OF THOUSANDS of readers.  Well, maybe more like 25.  But still!  I can't let you down, ProRun 25!  More importantly, I won't.

*****

Tonight's episode starts with the symbolic unpacking of bags (in the fabulous New Gotham apartments) as we are introduced to all sixteen of the new contestants.  Well, we're introduced to FIFTEEN of the sixteen.  There is a girl wandering around in a red dress with a flower pinned to her head and no one will ever give her the name caption.  Is she a stowaway?  A really stylish member of the New Gotham maid service?  TIME WILL ONLY TELL.

Standouts upon introduction include the following:

Blayne Walsh, 23 - blonde and short, and his eyes look like muppet eyes.  No, seriously.  It's as if he took Cookie Monster's round, googly eyes and whip-stitched them to his face.  Blayne informs us that he is seriously addicted to tanning, so...whoever he needs to talk to about that (looks pointedly at the camera and giggles).  Also, he has been designing clothing for the past six years but currently is paying the bills by working at a coffee shop.  Oh Blayne, I have a feeling I will be typing LOTS more about you.

Stella B. Zotis, 42 - I'm not sure where ol' Stella is from.  She has one of those confusing accents, where it seems to conveniently surface and you're thinking "German?  No, maybe Russian..." and then it dives back down and she sounds like anyone else.  Stella likes to design for the rockers, and she looks the part.

Kelli Martin, 27 - this girl is my age AND owns a boutique AND says that it's tough business and she's just fighting it out.  Kelli, I love you already.  DON'T DISAPPOINT ME!  What?  I'm a suffocating kind of friend.

Suede, 37 - that's right, SUEDE has no last name.  Suede also has a blonde shaved head with a little blue mowhawk stripe and seems to prefer speaking in the 3rd person.

Daniel Feld, 25 - looks polished, put-together, doesn't say anything extremely weird or off-putting - he reminds me of another ProRun Daniel...dare I dream for version 2.0?

Wesley Nault, 23 - wow, Wesley, you're young.  But you just said you were working for Marc Jacobs for the last year!  Score one big point for you.  Whoa, whoa, the camera guy just panned down and WHAT THE SHORTS?  Those shorts are. not. good.  I don't care if Marc sewed them onto you himself.  Your point has been rescinded and you are back to neutral.  Oh Wesley, a roller coaster already!

We meet the rest of the contestants (except for Red Dress girl) and everyone heads to the rooftop to meet Tim Gunn (I dare you not to love this man) and the gorgeous Heidi Klum (I dare you not to be wildly jealous of this woman) for champagne.  Heidi has her hair all pulled back in some intricate knotted updo, and while on just about anyone else it might look like the start of greasy dreadlocks all knotted up into a messy bun, on her it looks positively Grecian Goddess.  So.  That's fair!   Tim and Heidi greet everyone, talk about the contest rules, and the group gets to chatting.

One of the contestants, Keith, is telling Heidi that he has been designing for her for years.  "Yeah, I just look at it and think 'Can Heidi wear it?' And that's how I know if I should make it."

Heidi gives us a special treat by letting loose with one of her trademarked, awkward "HAH" noises - they always kind of shut the room down.  We finally get to meet Red Dress Girl - her name is Kenley Collins, she's 25, and she says she's "loud".  Obviously not THAT loud, Kenley, as everyone, even the producers, managed to forget about you until just now.  Tim tells the designers they are possibly the most diverse group ever, and he wants them to "knock his socks off!".  Oh Tim Gunn, I want to hug you.

*****

It's 4am and Tim is sneaking into the designers rooms to get them going on their first challenge.  The designers scurry around, bumping into each other in the dark and trying to throw on clothing.  The camera pans to Keith, in bed, drinking...wait, what IS that?  Keith, are you sucking on a bottle of vodka at 4am, just as you've been awakened?  And if he is, am I disgusted or kind of impressed?  Keith is possibly VERY hardcore.

Even though the designers supposedly had about five minutes to get ready, they still manage to look like the most hipster bunch of hipsters to ever grace the sidewalks of NYC.  Pre-6am.  Tim gestures across the street to the grocery store Gristedes (sidenote: this Southern girl has never heard of "Gristedes" in her life - is it like a CVS or something?) and tells the designers that they have $75 and 30 minutes to shop and (of course) to MAKE IT WORK.

Oh, and Austin Scarlett is the guest judge for this episode; he is introduced as everyone is standing outside Gristedes because in Season One of ProRun, Austin won the grocery store challenge.  He's decked out in what looks to be an attempt on Nautical Southern Gentleman.  He's got a navy blazer, white pressed trousers, a white button-down shirt, a white ascot (yes. really) and a white fedora trimmed in navy.  I think Austin is a douche.  Oh wait, was that already obvious?

Tim says GO and the designers sprint through Gristedes.  Also, another aside about Gristedes (sorry!) - is that a terrible name for a grocery store, or what?  It sounds like gristley tiddies to me, and that's all I can think about now when I type the name.  Gristle!  Tiddies!  Eww.

Stella is running through the store wearing what look to be candy-cane striped leggings and a short shirt.  Stella, as we'll recall, is 42.  And not Super-Aerobics 42, REGULAR 42.  Stella, those leggings would make Mary-Kate Olsen's behind look awful.  Fail.

Some of the designers treat us to their "game plan" as they're rushing through Gristley Tiddies.  Terri Stevens lets us know that her plan is as simple as "mop heads, mop heads, mop heads!"  Jerry Tam says he knew what he was going to do as soon as he set foot inside the Gristle.  "April Showers," says Jerry,  "make MAY FLOWERS".  He looks knowingly at the camera, and goes back to his shopping.

*****

Parsons time!  Designers are back at the studio and given until midnight to make their creations.  Tim reminds the designers that the winner of this challenge will have immunity for the next week.

I have a whole bunch of design-process observations typed in my notes, but I just looked at the length of this post and GOOD LORD it's getting long.  So to sum up, lots and lots of people are using tablecloths.  The designers keep looking around and seeing more tablecloths.  It's tablecloths as far as the eye can see!  WE'RE TOTALLY FREAKING ABOUT TABLECLOTHS!  Also, someone is making a yellow dress and attaching little cut pieces of a flyswatter and it looks surprisingly cool.  Kelli is making what she has deemed a "gardening dress", which involves bleaching and staining a bunch of vacuum cleaner bags and then sewing coffee filters together to make the bodice.  Kelli tells us that her dress will be ugly.  Really, Kelli?  A GOOD ugly, Kelli replies.  Oh, okay then.  Daniel is melting blue plastic cups with an iron and molding them together into a sweetheart neckline.  I like where this is going, Daniel v2.0!

Jerry informs us, conspiratorially, that he thinks everyone is making stuff out of trash.  Trash that he would just THROW AWAY.  Jerry seems to have not understood the challenge.  Aging Rocker Stella is sighing and collapsing on her table.  She says that her black garbage bags just look like...garbage.  They're cheap and look exactly like trash bags, and she fears her aesthetic will be ruined.  Stella seems flummoxed by this development.

Tim Gunn appears in the design room to give some much-needed advice.  He quickly jumps on the "tablecloths-are-everywhere" bandwagon, and encourages the designers to be more innovative.  You see, says Tim, tablecloths are really just another form of fabric.  Tim fears the judges will find the designers to be slackers.  That's right, SLACKERS.  A gloom falls over the room, and Stella starts freaking out in earnest about her black garbage bags.  Tim says "oh no, honey, you cannot send garbage bags down that runway".  Aging Rocker Stella looks like she might throw up.  Suede is concerned that his tablecloth looks, uncreatively, JUST like a tablecloth.  Tim says "you should be concerned."  Tim leaves the design room at 11pm and they have until midnight to finish.  Stella melts into an Aging Rocker Puddle on the ground and seems like she might not move again.  Suede makes the astute observation that Tim seems to be "over" the tablecloths. Crazy Blayne gives the camera a truly horrifying googly-eyed look, says he is finished, that he will dominate, and gestures proudly to what looks like a bunch of black netting tacked to a mannequin.  He smiles.  It's terrifying.  Everyone else scrambles to finish up.

*****

Runway day!  Finally, I know.  Stella has come up with a new plan and seems somewhat energized.  Instead of using her much-maligned black garbage bags for pants, she will make a beautiful dress out of them.  I fail to see how the garbage bags will have suddenly become less...garbagey overnight, but Stella seems convinced.   Tim tells the designers they will have an hour to send their models to hair and makeup in the Tresemme hair salon and the L'Oreal makeup room and he sends in the models.  I was hoping for some model drama but I think everyone is too concerned about time constraints and all I hear is a cheery "great, let's get naked!"

Blayne does throw us a bone after he sends his model to hair and makeup.  He looks at the camera and explains that his model has "more curves than...I even knew about" and THAT'S why his black netted nightmare didn't fit correctly on the first try.  As (yet another) aside, I think "more curves than I even knew about" would make a GREAT tagline.

Tim comes in to corral all the models and designers onto the runway.  The editors have to do some quick censoring as Stella's garbage bag dress flashes open as they walk away, leaving her model completely bare-chested.  Not trashy at all, Stella!  Good form.

On the runway, Heidi (wearing a metallic brocade mini-dress with a wide red belt) greets the designers and introduces the judges.  Like seasons of the past (thank goodness!) we have Michael Kors (top American designer), Nina Garcia (editor-at-large of Elle magazine), and guest judge Austin Scarlett (douchebag extraordinaire).  Heidi also recaps the prizes the winner will...win, those being a 2009 Saturn Vue, a fashion spread in Elle magazine, $100,000 to start a design line, and the title of Top Chef!  No, that's not it...

And the runway show begins.  As the season goes on (and more designers are eliminated) I'll post all the pictures from the show, but with sixteen designers I fear that those of you who have stuck with this post for this long will bail ship.  So I'll skip to the end and give you the six designers and outfits the judges wanted to "speak with further".

First we have Daniel:   

Then Jerry:

Korto:

Stella:

Kelli:

And, finally, Blayne:

Daniel is called first, and everyone likes his cup-dress.  Even Nina likes it, proclaiming it "sculptural".  Jerry is next, and as much as everyone liked Daniel's dress, they HATE Jerry's.  Michael Kors seems to dislike it the most, comparing it to both a bridal nurse AND a handi-wipe gone wrong.  Heid jumps on the bandwagon, brightly adding that it reminds her of a hospital plumber.  Korto is next on the line and although I didn't like her dress at all, especially the tossed salad neckline, the judges seem to think it's great.  Austin is happy she used fresh ingredients (again, this is a DRESS, not a meal) and Nina says she can appreciate that it's impeccably done.  Whatev.  Stella's up next and, unsurprisingly, they all think it looks like garbage.  Shock!  Kelli's dress is up and the judges are happy.  Michael says he thought Kelli used marbled paper, and commends her for being creative with the vacuum bags.  Nina asks about the hook and eye closures on the back, and when Kelli says that she made them out of a notebook spiral (!) Nina says "I like the way you think".  Me too, Kelli!  Hearts and kisses to you!  Terrifying Blayne is last, and he interrupts the judges to tell them he "didn't want them to be bored".  They say not to worry, because they've never been less bored by what looks like a fly-inspired wrestling diaper.  They hate it.

The designers are sent off stage to wait while the judges make their final decision.  Michael Kors has now convinced himself that the only reason anyone would wear Jerry's dress is if they were going to kill someone.  Heidi says Stella's garbage-mess was just "butt ugly".  Nina keeps going on about how Korto's yellow kimono/salad getup lets Nina know Korto has "great taste".  Wha?  The designers are brought back out and the decision is announced:

Winner: Kelli!  She goes off into the back room, does a little dance, and sits down with immunity for next week.  Ooh, and also a whole sleeve of tattoos on her right arm!  I never saw that before...Kelli, you are a sweet, sweet mystery.

Loser: Jerry!  According to the judges, he is memorable, but not in a good way.  Goodbye, Jerry, and may you have a long and prosperous career in slasherwear.

*****

Whew!  That will surely be the longest recap ever.  Introductions, explanations, googly-eyed madness...I think it's obvious who my initial favorite is, but who do you like?  Give me your thoughts, comments, additions, and corrections in the comments!

Yogi

I think this post is either going to annoy you, or you're going to be like, OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY GET THAT.  I would just forge ahead naively thinking that EVERYONE will get it and love it, but I can't, because I am the type of person who, even 6 months ago, would have read this and been like, DUDE, THAT IS ANNOYING, SHUT IT.

So.  Sorry in advance, and annoyed readers?  I feel ya.

This summer has been weird for several reasons, but the main ones are as follows: A) it's the summer and so things are slow at the store, B) all but one of my employees are college-age girls who don't have class this summer and are literally fighting over hours, and/so C) I have not been at the store nearly as much as I am used to.  I guess I kind of have the summer off, in a weird way - I mean, I still have to go to Los Angeles for market out there, and have to attend other, smaller markets and/or meetings, and I still have to do the business side of the business - but I really don't have to be IN the store.  Anyway, I knew that was how this summer was going to be -  that I was going to find myself with a lot of extra time to try and manage well - and I knew I was going to have to really focus on becoming quite a bit more disciplined.

The only thing I suck at more than time-management is discipline.

The four main things I think of when I think about living a disciplined life are (wow, I am really all about the subpoints today) A) eating habits B) exercise habits C) life-maintenance habits and D) spiritual habits.  In an attempt to kick-start my Summer o'Discipline, I decided not to completely overwhelm myself by trying to perfect A-D all at once, and instead chose to focus on B.  Once I got B down to a science, I would move on to another letter.  I felt pretty good not starting with A because of the weird death-flu-stress thing I had going on back in May that got me away from some of my most heinous eating habits.  I honestly think that feeling like I had at least one out of the four Life Disciplines somewhat under control made me more confident in going after the next. 

I have a weird relationship with exercise.  I'm like the douchey boyfriend who woos the girl, Exercise, and pretends to be all committed - and then, for the next 10 years, intermittently ignores and loves her until she's completely fed up and confused.  And then Exercise exacts her revenge on me in terrifying ways, like spin classes and stair-climbers and treadmills.  All of which I HATE.  Passionately.  And then I forget why I ever loved Exercise at all, and I tell her I think we need to break up and Exercise is all "good riddance, loser" and I'm all "whatever, you're just AWFUL anyway" and then we go our separate ways.  That is, until I start feeling lazy and lethargic and gain some weight and see other, healthy individuals jogging by, glowing and looking all in love with MY ex.  And then I want her back.

See?  Just like that dude you used to date!

So when I looked at the list of Life Disciplines and knew I needed to attack Exercise, I was...nonplussed?  No, that might not be right.  Maybe I was equal parts scared, intimidated, frustrated, and excited.   Excited because I knew how awesome a good, healthy relationship with exercise could be, but all those other things because I had never managed to maintain that relationship very well at all.  And so finally, after 27 years of being on this planet, I decided to inventory exactly what it was I liked and disliked about ol' Exercise and stop trying to force all of the things I really, truly hated.

It went a little something like this:

Running?  HATE.  No.
Swimming?  LOVE, but not the most practical discipline unless one has near-constant access to a pool/doesn't mind smelling like a chlorine factory/doesn't travel.  No.
Gym weight training?  LIKE, to a point - but definitely not enough to maintain, and isn't good enough on it's own because you have to add in cardio.  No.
Various gym cardio (think stairmaster, elliptical trainer, stationary bike, treadmill)?
HATE HATE HATE.  No.
Gym classes (think pilates, aerobics, spin)?  LIKE, on a relative basis, but not enough to get up early, take myself to the gym, avoid the talky-talky morning exercisers, and maintain.  No.

In doing that little test, I realized that I pretty much dislike the gym altogether.  I don't like it when I need a machine and I have to wait or, even worse, break in on someone's cycle.  I don't like making conversation with the gym people I kind of know, but don't really.  I don't like having to be on someone else's class schedule.  I don't like the crowded cardio room and I HATE all the cardio equipment.  I guess I'm just not a gym person.  Who knew?  Better question - WHY DID I NOT KNOW?  I've been either going to or studiously avoiding gyms for the better part of the last 12 years.  Why has it taken me this long to realize that I really just don't like them?

Coming to this conclusion sure made it a lot easier to cancel my gym membership, thus getting a leg-up on the financial aspect of Life Discipline C.  Good riddance, gym.

But I still wasn't set.  I knew that I didn't like going to a gym, and I wasn't going to waste time and money trying to force myself into that anymore.  I knew that I HATED running, and let's be honest, there was no way I was going to try and force myself into that anyway.  I have come to terms with my hatred for running a long time ago; for many years I believed those LIES the runners tell you - the lies about how once you "break through your threshold" it all gets better and suddenly, running tuns into this bucolic, euphoric experience - to this I say: LIES, YOU LYING LIARS.  I ran cross-country in high-school and CONTINUED running into college just to try and find this "threshold" and let me tell you - for me, IT DOES NOT EXIST. 

Swimming was out, because even though I really do love swimming (and it's awesome exercise) I knew that I wouldn't religiously drag myself to the local Y or the junior college pool every day to do laps.  There are always weird time-restrictions and swim meets and swimming lessons and believe me when I tell you that the TINIEST kink in my exercise plans will result in me saying "hmm, too bad, guess I'll just go to Starbucks".  Happily.

So no gym, no running, no swimming.  Nothing that requires me to interact with preternaturally chipper morning exercisers or be on someone else's schedule.  Nothing that involves horrible, tortuous cardio equipment.  I felt like I was running out of options so I decided to go back to my roots.  For the first 15 years of my life I was in great shape, well-exercised, and happy about it.  What was I doing?  Ballet.  I was one of those SUPER serious ballet girls; the ones who have one class or another nearly every day and have their own lingo and sit together, chatting, while they tape their broken, mashed feet so that they can shove them back into pointe shoes.  One of those girls who has recitals that literally take over her life, and legs she can lift over her head and enough pairs of pale pink Capezio tights to stock a small warehouse.  I was one of those girls.  And I LOVED ballet.  I never felt like I was going to "exercise", I was going to dance.  It was glorious.  So ballet seemed like a potential option.  But not really.

First of all, I'm not 15 anymore.  And secondly, when I DID do ballet, it wasn't a hobby.  I was pretty serious about it, and I was in some pretty advanced classes with some pretty major plans - until we moved to a town with NO good ballet studios when I was 15.  I always tell people that ballet is the only thing at which I was ever REALLY naturally good.  I once tried (I think I was 19 or so) to go back to ballet, just because I missed it so much, and it was absolutely humiliating.  No longer could I stretch my leg into infinity, all the girls were younger, and when the instructor asked my age she suggested the Adult Ballet class.  Gross.  There was no way.  Even though now, at 27, I seriously doubt I would feel the humiliation as much, I would still be subjected to class schedules, specialized equipment needs, and (worst of all) the chatty fellow exerciser.  So no ballet.  But maybe something LIKE ballet....

And that's how I fell for yoga.  I had practiced yoga before, for almost a year actually, right when I moved back to my hometown in 2004.  The gym I was a member of (again, with that pesky, omnipresent gym membership!) had recently started hosting yoga classes, and I thought I'd give it a try.  I really enjoyed yoga a lot, even the Bikram practice we were doing at the gym, which requires the room to be heated to a minimum of 98 degrees with 40% humidity.  You can pretty easily burn up to 600 calories in a 90 minute Bikram yoga class, and you sweat...umm...a LOT.  Like, you walk out looking like you jumped into a swimming pool.  There are many reasons for the heat (increased flexibility, increased heart rate, increased blood flow, removal of toxins) but suffice it to say, after your 40th downward facing dog "resting" pose, as your hands slide around in the STANDING water (well, sweat) on your mat, you either go to a "higher place" or get the heck out.  I loved it.  But then my gym canceled all yoga classes because of this hilarious story where the owner totally freaked out, busted in on an ONGOING yoga class, and started trying to EXORCISE DEMONS.  Not sure how the demons fared, but the classes were sufficiently exorcised, and so that was the end of my brief affair with yoga.

At least until 5 or 6 months ago, when I had effectively ruled out just about every other type of exercise and decided I was just going to DO it already.  I got on Amazon, researched a bunch of yoga videos, and ordered a couple.  Fast-forward to today, and I have been practicing a mix of Bikram, Hatha, Vinyasa, and Ashtanga yoga and I absolutely love it.  I do it just about every day, and it's totally easy because all I have to do is walk upstairs (where, unless we turn on the air, it's almost ALWAYS above 98 degrees), unroll my mat, turn on the DVD player, and have at it.  I have little to no opportunity to make an excuse for why I "couldn't make it today", and when I travel I just pop a DVD or two into my bag and either bring my own mat or buy a cheap replacement.  I have now incorporated actual studio (teacher-led) classes into my yoga practice, but I honestly don't feel like I have been missing out by doing it at home.  Yoga is such a different type of exercise in that it (cue cheesy Zen music) really does require you to GET INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD and make your body respond accordingly.  Maybe this actually ISN'T a different type of exercise; maybe everybody who has found their "thing" feels the same way when they are running, or doing spin class or whatever.  But for me, practicing yoga really does give me that whole mind-body connection, where I can THINK about going further in a pose, and then ACTUALLY do it.  When otherwise I would have thought there was no way. 

Today in class we had to do the crow pose, and while it actually isn't that hard, crow is one of those poses with which I really had a head issue.  Let me see if I can find a picture -

 

So that's crow.  Or crane, depending on where you're practicing.  Anyway, if you've done it before, you know it's not that hard; it's much more about balance than strength.  But if you HAVEN'T done it before, like I hadn't, then you look at it and think UMM NO. CANNOT DO. FAIL.  And so that's how I felt about crow.  But after a while (and the privilege of practicing alone) I got over my fear of crow.  And today in class when the teacher called for 5 full breaths in crow pose, I was able to do it the whole time, with no hesitation.  The euphoria of that moment made me nearly not care when, only 20 minutes later, I fell flat on my butt during salamba sarvangasana.

July, You're Everything I Never Knew I Wanted

July is a weird month for me, professionally speaking.  Mostly that's even weird to type because I am one of the least professional people I have ever known.  And yet I still, somehow, maintain a profession.  A profession in retail!  In business ownership!  Hi, my name is Elise and I own a clothing boutique.  I'm a professional.

Unfortunately, July is not a great time to own a boutique (especially Economic Crunch July of 2008) because it's the middle of the summer and half of this East Texas population is on vacation to cooler climates (or planning for such a vacay), and the other half is sitting around their sweltering backyards in those plastic swimming pools filled with ice water, sweating, and passionately hating all the people who are on vacation.  No one's really all about getting into their super-heated car after it's been baking in the garage, driving to a super-heated parking lot, walking through the super-heated, lava-like parking lot, and throwing some possible vacay money away on new clothes.  To this I say: You are only making yourselves more miserable, People Of My Town.  Spend your money at my store, buy yourself some new pretty things - maybe a sundress!  EVERYTHING is better in a nice, cool, breezy sundress.  And yet, the People Of My Town largely ignore me, or at least that's what my mid-summer dwindling sales figures would have you believe.  It's just the scourge of owning a clothing boutique in a hot, Texas town.  The summers will always be slow.  It really is too dadgum hot to care about anything other than A) basic survival and B) popsicles.  Fashion goes straight out the window.  But in the fall, oh the glorious fall - everything is made up for in the fall.  September can't get here fast enough, if you ask me.  So in that respect, July = Blah.

However, tomorrow, on the 12th of July, I will celebrate the day I bought this boutique, and that makes July pretty awesome.  In fact, as of tomorrow I will have owned my boutique for FOUR YEARS.  Meaning, of course, that tomorrow marks the START of our fourth year.  So it's our third year anniversary, technically.  But, as I explained in depth last year, I am not going to let that little technicality suck my joy and hard work away.  I've been doing this thing for four years (oh, fine. as of tomorrow it will be four years), and by golly, the words FOUR and FOURTH will be in there somewhere.

So, much like I requested of you last year, have FOUR of something for me today or tomorrow.  I would make it easy and say drinks, but since suggesting the idea of having four drinks might, to some, seem...I don't know.  Excessive?  I will say you can break it up into today AND tomorrow.  So have two drinks today, and two tomorrow.  Or two desserts today, and two tomorrow.  It's for THE STORE.  A celebration.  Geez.  Don't rain on the parade with your silly ideas about moderation.  And if you do decide to have four drinks or four desserts or four popsicles or four of anything else you like - PLEASE make sure to come back and comment in all your drunken/sugar-crazed/brain-frozen glory.  And I'll do the same.

Vimeo: Will This Be Love, Or Just A One Night Stand?

Clark Learning About Chanel from Elise Carter on Vimeo.

This is my precious nephew, Clark, on the Sunday after the 4th of July weekend.  I was delirious-tired, and Clark wanted my Chanel lipgloss.  I figured why not, and chalked it up to one of the (many) reasons I should be glad that I'm an aunt rather than a mom.

At the 0:48 mark you'll see Cody give me his signature "WHY are you doing this?" look.  I get this look all too often.

Oh, and my brother says I should edit out the sound, but it has taken me an embarrassing amount of time just to figure out how to get the footage from my camcorder to my computer with the audio and video intact, and then into an extension that ANY internet video program will read.  I am so far from knowing how to edit ANYTHING that if the sound bothers you, my suggestion would be to just turn the volume off.

I have a lot of video that I want to post in the next few days, and maybe somewhere in there I'll get the hang of editing.  One can only hope.  Well, YOU can only hope; you'll be the one suffering through unedited video otherwise.  Come to think of it, can any of you help me?  Suggestions in the box below!

Either That Montage Just Takes Forever Or I'm An Internet Idiot

So I feel like I have a good friend who I haven't talked to in a while, and all these things have happened since the last time we talked, and every time something new and/or crazy happens I think "oh my goodness, I NEED to tell Friend this!" but then I think that I cant tell Friend right now, because I don't have time for a conversation of that length.  I'll call tomorrow.

And then tomorrow comes, and more crazy events transpire, and somewhere around two weeks later I resurface from the insanity and think "AHHH, I still haven't talked to Friend!"  Now the conversation is going to take hours.

Well, you are that friend, Internet.  I have so many things to tell you that I honestly don't even know where to begin.  First of all let me say that this summer has, bar none, been the weirdest time of my entire life.  Secondly, I have absolutely no idea how to fit this into one post so I was thinking maybe I would do bullet points (the lazy person's listmaker) and you can weigh in on subjects you want to hear more about/seem the most interesting.  How 'bout it?  Because otherwise I can guarantee you that this will degenerate into a ridiculously long, rambling, disjointed mess of a post, and I honestly can't even say that I would read that.  

So let's all play along and here are the bullet points of things that have gone on since May that I need to tell you about and haven't (ETA: Now a numbered list with pictures!  Everyone has been doing that Flickr montage and while I wanted to do it too [and still may] at least you now get a numbered list with visual interest!):

1. Lost my appetite completely and with no warning; lost about 14 pounds in two months*
2. Spent a week and a half on vacation in Los Angeles - the first half by myself completely, and the second half surrounded by a whole host of interesting characters doing interesting things at interesting places
3. Quit eating fast food completely
4. Got the Death Flu but it only lasted two days, one of which was handily the date of the biggest event of the summer for my boutique, so that was fun
5. Went back to Los Angeles for work and ended up doing about two weeks worth of social stuff in three days time
6. Quit eating sugar almost completely
7. Met a girl while in LA who is from a tiny East Texas town about 35 miles from where I live - we knew many of the same people and remarked on how strangely small the world can be
8. Cody's dad started having major neck/spine issues, which quickly deteriorated to the point where he was partially paralyzed on the right side, leading everyone to completely freak out and him to get scheduled for emergency spinal surgery, which he had yesterday (7/1/08)
9. Cody's grandpa (his dad's dad) went into the SAME hospital on the SAME night as Cody's dad, because Grandpa BROKE HIS NECK - the neurologist got confused and saw the wrong patient because there were two Mr. Carters in the same hospital on the same night in for largely the same reason - felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone
10. Have become somewhat the main go-to person for Cody's grandpa because obviously Cody's mom and dad have been SOMEWHAT DISTRACTED, what with the partial paralysis and emergency spinal surgery and all
11. Quit eating most processed foods completely
12. Saw Alison Sweeney (Sami from Days of Our Lives, for the non-soap opera crowd) walking to her car and made fun of her because she was all dressed up and from a distance she looked like a teenager going to prom. At 4 in the afternoon on a Friday.  Then I saw who it actually was and thought "oh good, she isn't a skinny little stick!" She looks normal
13. Went to a Death Cab for Cutie concert randomly; it was weird
14. Went on several hikes
15. Missed my friends at home while I was gone; wished that I could intermingle my worlds - move my house and friends out to a big city or move the city here
16. Became hopelessly and totally re-addicted to chips and salsa.  Weight loss of past two months is being reversed almost solely by the power of corn and tomatoes
17. Went out to a whole host of places in and around Los Angeles; some uber trendy, some kind of underground, some in between
18. Have learned an awful lot about neck braces, how they work, and how they DON'T work
19. Have consumed my weight x3 in green tea
20. Celebrated Cody's birthday with a really fun night of live music outside IN MY HOMETOWN, can you believe it?  Because I can't
21. Hosted three (THREE) baby showers
22. Have done yoga almost every day
23. Went to a "recycled" clothing store in Studio City with my sister-in-law and came away with three pairs of high-end shoes, two shirts, a pair of linen trousers, and a pair of straight-leg designer jeans and spent less than $150.  Wow
24. Figured out that my dog ate half a square of Baker's Chocolate, had a mild freak out and then realized it would be yet another item to add to my Vet Bills Spreadsheet - watch out, OPH! (And RA - are you proud of me for having a spreadsheet?)
25. Watched helplessly as my house (both outside and now in) has become inundated with tiny ants - have been plotting and will wage Ant War Strike I this evening
26. Have been doing about 18 loads of laundry and (#27) cleaning house to get ready for our annual 4th of July lake extravaganza where any and everyone we know comes to town to hang out, float in the lake, (#28) drink adult beverages, play volleyball, mess around on boats and jetskis, and have an all around awesome (#29) Texas lake celebration. Come!
27. (Actually #30 - THANKS FOR NOTHING, AUTOFORMAT) Got to see my best friend and her brand new baby girl on the day she gave birth.  So sweet

Want to know details about any of the above?  Let me know in the comments!  I'll be happy to spin a long, rambling tale about any of those events.  Had your fill?  That's fine too - just enjoy the pictures because that montage took FOREVER.  What is with people "not subscribing" to the Flickr mosaic maker?  DON'T THEY KNOW HOW LONG I SEARCHED FOR THAT PICTURE?

*I wish I could take credit for some incredible measure of self-control I used to quit the sugar, fast food, etc.  Unfortunately for me, I have no such self-control and the only reason I was able to get out of those bad eating habits was because I had already lost my appetite and therefore felt no desire to eat ANYTHING, including my beloved fast food.  Once you get out of the habit it's not so hard, and so thanks to extreme amounts of stress, I have become a healthier eater.  I should write a dieting book.  It could be alternately titled "How To Develop An Eating Disorder".

Elsewhere, Again

I'm guest posting over at Julie's site today.  Come by for a visit!

Also - my best friend in the entire world is having her first baby this morning - a girl!  I will be with her and her husband in Dallas today so cross your fingers for a healthy birth and a wonderful day.

Like Buttah

The real problem with breakfast cereal is that the serving size is ALWAYS one cup.  One measly cup.  Have you ever measured out your breakfast cereal into the one cup serving size?  It's small.  Really, unsatisfyingly small.

For me, breakfast cereal is kind of like ice cream in that I could sit down and eat bowl after bowl with no appreciable sign of slowing.  For a whole day, probably, I could sit at a table and eat bowls of either breakfast cereal or ice cream, and never feel full.  I'm not sure why these two substances are so irresistible to me, but they are.  Upon sight of the perfect storm of bowl, spoon, and breakfast cereal, my stomach opens up into a massive black hole, a spinning vortex of chaos into which many a bowl of deliciousness can disappear and never be heard from again. 

Seriously.  I'll be full after three bites of pasta but I can eat like, 10 bowls of cereal and feel fine.  I have, I'm a little ashamed to admit, gone through an entire BOX of cereal in one sitting, completely on accident.  I just kept refilling the bowl, thinking "well, this time I have too much milk, so just a teensy bit more cereal will fix that" and "oops, not enough milk, let me add a bit - oh!  Too much milk!  Needs more cereal!"  I know it sounds like a ratio problem, but in my heart the truth is all too clear: I just want more.  It's a drug, and I am helplessly addicted.  The type of cereal doesn't matter, either.  I go just as insane over six bowls of Cocoa Crispies (yum) as I do over eleven of Organic Raisin Bran.

Ice cream is a little more easily explainable, what with the sugary, creamy goodness of it all, not to mention the chunks of chocolate or cookie dough that get mixed in on occasion.  However, I am lactose intolerant, for the most part, and so eating more than a spoonful or two of ice cream is a recipe for disaster for me -  and yet, I will happily sit there, eating not just spoonfuls, but entire bowls of the sweet stuff, consequences be damned.

So what is it about these two substances that render me incapable of saying NO MORE?  I usually have decent self-control when it comes to eating, but any time I make the mistake of thinking I can handle just one bowl, I find myself waking up hours later with a cereal hangover, sticky spoon stuck to my chest, empty boxes strewn around me, a crazed look in my eyes...and still craving just one more bowl. 

What foodstuff can't you resist?

Elsewhere!

I am guest posting today at All The Wine.  Come see me there and say hello.

P.S. I wrote about boobs!

Hair, By Extension

Have you ever found yourself wanting to look like someone else, even if the person you're wanting to look like has been compared, repeatedly, to a drag queen?  And then you feel kind of weird and ashamed because - really?  Have you been harboring the "hot tranny mess" gene all this time and somehow never noticed?  But finally you look deep within yourself, to the source of your attraction, and realize that you just like the hair.  Whew!  You just want her hair.  But then, sadly, you are made aware that Drag Queen's gorgeous curls come courtesy of some uber pricey hair extensions.  You quickly switch hair models, but every time you find a new head of hair to covet, you learn the truth: EXTENSIONS.  Every last one of them.

So what's a girl to do?  I've been waging a battle royale with my hair for...well, ever since the 8th grade; that's the first time I can remember messing with it.  The summer after 8th grade my best friend and I thought it would be a great idea to use that Clairol Herbal Essences wash-out hair dye to turn my baby-soft, thin, naturally blonde hair maroon.  We waited until the week we were going to camp, followed the simple three-step process, and voila - purplish red hair.  After 14 shampoos or however long it was supposed to take, my hair looked somewhat normal - but with a decidedly mauve tint.  No problem, I thought - I'll just highlight it!  I was always jealous of my friends who highlighted their hair.  All those different colors, and you could even do stripes!  How fun!  It was on that fateful day, as any of you who fight the good fight of hair-color maintenance know, that I screwed myself forevermore.

I've been growing my hair out now for about two years.  Yeah, I'd say either two years or the entire last decade; it all kind of runs together.  Right after college, drunk on excessive freedom, I went through a hair phase best summed up as LET'S CUT IT ALL OFF.  I met a hairstylist friend named Lily, and she and I bonded over our respective goals: she, to achieve the coveted Level 4 Stylist and I, to have as many different haircuts in a year as humanly possible.  After a series of increasingly shorter crops, I ended up with this cut.  And after that had grown out enough to do ANYTHING with, I went back to the Toni & Guy in the mall to visit Lily and her manager told me she had gone to jail.  Surprisingly, Lily is not the only hairstylist I have had who has ended up in the clink.  Is it a hazard of the job?  Hairstylists, what gives?

Now I'm stuck in this stage where I keep thinking that if my hair can just grow another inch or two, it will FINALLY look like I want.  And then it does grow - another inch or two of the fine, straight, flat hair I've always had, and I am consistently shocked.  I think I have hair dysmorphic disorder.  I look in the mirror and see potential for fat, full-figured curls, but everyone else sees the reality - sickly, stick-straight strands.  One of my really good friends, Allison, has been doing my hair for the past couple of years, and the other day as I was leaving the salon, we paused at the check-out desk to chat.  Allison pointed at a picture of a hair model hanging above the desk and said that she would love to grow her hair out and cut it like the model's, but that her hair would never do that.  I looked at the picture, looked at Allison's hair, and said "sure it would! Why not?"  Allison sighed and explained that the hair model had tons of thick hair, and that if someone with thin hair attempted that cut, it would end up looking stringy, scraggly and awful.  It was like a lightbulb of shame went off in my head, and I think Allison could see my wheels turning.  "So, is that why my hair looks stringy, scraggly, and awful half the time?" I asked.  "Half the time?" Allison replied.  "I think that's being pretty generous, don't you?"  Then I drop-kicked her and stormed out of the salon, but not before magnanimously tipping at least 15%.  What?  You don't tip?  How rude.

Really though, I am grateful to have a friend who does my hair, someone who will tell me the truth that NO, ELISE, your hair will never look like this picture you brought in.  At least not without adding in a whole lot of someone else's hair.  And I don't know, I just don't think I can get on board with the idea of a normal, non-celebrity member of society getting hair extensions.  I mean, what would you think, if the girl who works in the cubicle next to you, or the lady next door walked up one day with long, thick, gorgeous curls when just YESTERDAY she had normal, blah, mid-length hair?  I think it could be kind of awkward.

"Soo....umm...your hair looks nice today, Elise."

"Oh!  Thanks!  I...uhhh...curled it!"

"Yeah.  Okay."

or

"Soo....umm...your hair looks nice today, Elise."

"Oh, yeah...errr....it's weird, I know.  I got hair extensions.  I mean, OBVIOUSLY, I did - not like you didn't know that because clearly hair does not grow this fast overnight, and.  Yeah.  I know it seems strange, and maybe like, WOW DOES SHE THINK SHE'S A DIVA, but really, I don't!  I just...thought it would be fun?  And..."

"Yeah.  Okay."

So I guess I'm just going to have to get on board with my boring hair.  Unless you guys think I could pull off extensions.  And trust me, I can't.