All Or Nothing

Google Search Fail: "Can We Be Friends, Spider?"

It's time for everyone's favorite - Weird Google Search Terms! 

Oh thank goodness, I don't think I could stomach another one of those long-winded emo posts.  Have you noticed she's gone really downhill lately?  I used to think she was funny!  Well, sort of funny anyway.

Hey!  I can hear you.  Shut up.  Everyone gets emo sometimes.

I know, right?  I mean, the whole "why I love Radiohead" short post was one thing - obviously stupid filler, but whatev.  But then she posts some weird reflecty picture and then starts going on about how she wants to do something but she can't do nothing or maybe it was reversed - I honestly just kind of skimmed it because I got super bored and then I clicked through to Perez.  I think Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian now?

Yeah, I totally read that too!  You know who else is funny, it's that What Would Tyler Durden Do guy.  I mean, sometimes he's super rude and says that non-fat girls are actually fat, and they're SO not, and then I start thinking "am I fat?" but I know I'm totally not, so, you know.  I rise above it.

This is spinning out of control.  My hypothetical bored readers are actually turning out to be kind of stupid, and are also taking over my entire post.  I already said we were doing Weird Google Search Terms and you KNOW that's pure entertainment even I can't mess up.  And in regards to LiLo, I think she's just going through a weird phase.  BECAUSE PEOPLE GO THROUGH THEM.  Try to be a little more sensitive.  Jerks.

And without further delay, from stupid hypothetical readers or otherwise:  May's Weird Google Search Terms!  As always, I remain committed to helping you, dear Internet searchers, who have stumbled your way onto my site with your probing, difficult questions.

****Many of you seem to be concerned about your toes.  154 of you, in fact, found me in the exact same way: by typing "ugly toes" into your browser.  Others had more specific queries:****

is there surgery available to make ugly toes look pretty?

And the answer to your question is probably.  I mean, I don't know, because A) I'm no doctor and B) I don't have ugly toes.  And therefore I don't want or need ugly toe surgery.  In fact, I have pretty toes, and have, upon several occasions, counted them among my favorite parts.  I mean, if I had to give you one piece of advice it would probably be to just have better genetics.  That's really your best bet.

i have ugly toes help

Sorry sweetheart.  Same advice as above goes for you.  Better genetic structure would have been a good idea, but since you're probably too late for that, you may very well be doomed to closed-toe shoes for life.  Either that, or some sort of high-risk cosmetic toe surgery.  I heard the last guy DIED on the table from that though, so, you know.  Do with that what you will.

pulled toenails off will they grow

Sooo.....you PULLED them off, eh?  And your biggest concern, after forcefully and violently removing your own toenails, is whether or not they'll grow back?  Someone has their priorities wrong!

ugly little toenail why

I know, honey, I know.  I feel your pain and despair - the way you threw that "why" on at the end was heartbreaking.  Why indeed, cruel world?  Why must your little toenail be so ugly?  Why do so many suffer needlessly?  I don't have these answers.  But I do have black toenail polish, and I gotta tell you, when my toenail got pulled off by the weatherstripping on the door, that black polish saved me.  I'd invest in some, if I were you.  I mean, if $3.99 could solve all of the world's problems, we would be in such a happier place.

weatherstripping ripped toenail off

Yeah yeah, me too.  Don't be trying to one up me on my own blog, k?

****Spiders and other bugs seem to concern many of you as well:****

a spider that looks like poop

How can you be sure it's not just...poop?  I mean, CAN you?  I'd say if it's got legs, and is moving around, it's more than likely not poop, but maybe just a spider who got covered in poop and is simply trying to get cleaned off.  And there you are, not even sure what's poop and what's not, but going ahead and passing judgment on the poor spider's looks.  Maybe to the spider, YOU look like poop.  Huh?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Be nicer.

bugs and spiders from the past

Because we don't have enough of them in the present?  I'd venture that NPW would disagree with you, there.

what happens to spiders after they have been put down at the vet

The vet tech scrapes them off the bottom of his shoe. 

little bugs that live in my couch!!!!!!!

Is this a call to action?  It certainly isn't much of a question.  Maybe you're just venting.  If you're really trying to get in touch with the bugs in your couch though, I'm not sure typing to them via Google is the way to go.  Maybe put some crumbs down in the cracks of the couch cushions, let the little bugs know you appreciate them, and THEN go about asking them to do whatever it is you're wanting.

****And finally, the truly random questions:****

7 girls each girl has 7 back packs each back packs 7 large cats each large cats has 7 kitters

Fun, it's either a math problem or a riddle.  Let's see, 7 girls, 7 backpacks, 7 large cats in each backpack, 7 kitte...r...s.  And then we're done.  At my count, we had 147 items, but then you either got bored or realized that you didn't know how to spell KITTENS, so there wasn't much hope for you getting the problem solved.  And for that burst of insight, I commend you.

how do i know if its black tar heroin?

Well, I'd guess if it's kind of black...and sticky...does it smell like asphalt?  That's what I imagine would be a dead giveaway.  For a heroin addict, you seem awfully picky.

skin saver of tornedo

I just have absolutely no idea.  I don't know if you think natural disasters are good for your skin, or if this is simply a case of violently awful spelling.  Or maybe it's something awesome that I haven't ever heard of.  I did a quick search myself and turned up a site about Yo Yo repair.  Does that help?

sleep late is good for the 61 person

I like to sleep late.  Does that make me the 61 person?  If not, how do I BECOME the 61 person, because everyone seems to be on board with that dude getting more sleep.

too lazy to do anything but die

Well, there you have it, then.  I guess your course is all laid out for you.  It may take a while though, if you're truly planning on expending NO effort.  I guess you're okay with that, though?  Yeah, you are. 

i love black tar heroin

Google: taking confessions of all types since 1998.

two penguins in a bathtub one says pass the ketchup

What's the punchline though?  That's what makes me mad, when these jokesters leave me hanging like that.  Does it have something to do with a polar bear?  If this is gross, and I am just totally missing it, email me, okay?

you and me have a better time

Yeah we really do, don't we?

Did I answer your question?  If not, don't despair.  We'll do this again next month, right here at All Or Nothing.  Thanks for playing, and we'll see you soon.

I AM Productive

So, I'm sick.  I know, I know, it's SO unoriginal, getting sick in February, right when everyone ELSE gets sick.  Trust me, I tried my very best to avoid it, just so that I would still look cool.  Unfortunately, all my tactics failed and so here I am, laying in bed, playing online LOST trivia nonstop.  Hence the nod to productivity up there.  I've got like, 14000 points!  I'm a LOST Savant!  Speaking of, what is up with some of the questions on that trivia game?  What color was the third stripe on the fourth car to pass Jack in his flashback in the second episode of season two?  I mean, I know the answer's green, but really.  Is it imperative to the plot? 

Probably.  LOST is so confusing.

Anyway, as scintillating as all that was, I wasn't just logging on to tell you how I'm sick (boring) or all about LOST trivia (productive!).  Rather, I wanted to let everyone know that tomorrow is Blog Share day (as conceived and put together by the fabulous -R-) and so I will be posting anonymously on someone else's blog while someone else (do you see where this is going?) will be posting anonymously right here.  So, if you're out and about on the interwebs tomorrow and happen to stop by this site, you'll be reading Anon Poster!  Leave the AP comments if you like!  Give AP accolades and praises!  Or, if you REALLY want to stir things up, ask AP some LOST trivia questions.  I'd be willing to place a wager that AP wouldn't know the answer to that stripe question.

It's Your World

Hi!  I am like, the biggest blog abandoner ever. 

I'm sorry about that.  No really, I am, because what happens is I am normally into the posting, and the reading of other blogs, and the commenting, and all that sort of thing and then I get busy for a few days (who doesn't?) and I kind of temporarily abandon all that stuff, and then a few days turns into about 10 days and then I start feeling guilty for not checking in, for not writing, and then 10 days turns into 15 and I start feeling REALLY guilty, and then I'm all, screw this guilt over a hobby, for goodness sake, I have REAL ACTUAL things to feel guilty about, like the fact that my cats have gone without real cat food for two days now and I STILL haven't bought any.  Why?  I have no idea.  I keep forgetting.  I'm a bad cat mom.  A bad person.  See?  Plenty of opportunities for guilt without adding blogging to the mix!

Anyway, as I've allowed all this time to go by I keep having things happen where I think, wow, I really need to write about this quick! Before I forget.  And then I don't write about it (obviously).  So, for my your sake enjoyment, here is a short list of things I need to write about in the next week or two before I forget them completely (also, yay, bullets!):

• That thing I realized while on the plane last week abut youth, or growing up, or something like that....see, I have already pretty much forgotten this one and therefore it will more than likely be scratched.  Perhaps though, the magic of these bullet points will remind me.

• The thing that happened at Chick-Fil-A the other day with the evil mommy brigade. (sidenote: mommies?  what is with all the hate?)

• That thing I read in that book that explained that one horrible characteristic I have TO A TEE, I mean, wow.  Is the author like, LIVING IN MY HEAD?  And if so, I'm sorry.

• Those horrible people who were on the tiny, nausea-inducing plane with me last Wednesday.

• What being a wife is all about: does it include remembering EVERY detail of your husband's life and schedule?  Or could he maybe remember some of those things himself?  Questions for the ages.

• The towel thing.

Those are the ones I still remember.  And I promise you, I WILL write about these things!  This week!  Possibly even today!  And in the meantime, if you want to sort of comment/vote about what interests you more, maybe I can appease my wary audience with an entertaining story about something you actually WANT to hear about.  This would be instead of the normal drivel you're kinda forced to read around here.  About socks and apple butt.  And I know that stuff is riveting to me, but then I am the kind of person who decides that as long as my hair looks alright, I can probably postpone that shower for another day or so.  And as an added bonus, with that decision I am now a water conservationist.  Right?

So vote.  For the love of all that is good and clean and lovely, tell me what to write.

Eight Things, Including Several Helpful Warnings

Well, hello.  A cursory glance at the calendar has informed me that it's August.  I don't believe it, but it seems like everyone else does, so I figured a post was probably in order.

Also!  The lovely and talented and absolutely pee-your-pants funny Erin, from Out of Character, tagged me!  That's right, ME.  Ha!  Allow me to gloat for a few moments here.

Erin tagged me, because she thinks I am also hilarious and lovely and talented, etc., so on and so forth.  Erin tagged ME because she likes me, she really likes me!  Erin tagged ME ME ME because...well, because tagging sometimes can be annoying and she had already tagged everyone she could think of and still was lacking on the tag number requirements so she remembered one of my eighty-zillion comments on her site and thought, oh good, maybe this will assuage her.  Or at least make her stop stalking me.  Geez.

Ha!  It didn't, Erin!  I'm still going to leave another eighty or ninety zillion comments on your site, all about how I looooove you and how you made me LOL and ROLF.  Well, not that, because I just can't ever bring myself to use those acronyms, even when they are (as they usually are NOT) true, and I truly am Laughing Out Loud.  I always feel disingenuous, and like I'd better expound upon the nature of my laughter, what exactly it was that made me laugh.  And there is the cornerstone of why so many of you who know me in real life tune me out.  I feel the need to expound.  Maybe I should just leave it at that.  Elise: Feels The Need To Expound.

So, on with the tag.  That Erin gave me.  Erin!  From Out of Character!

The Eight Things Meme (Now, you can use the word "meme" or the word "survey", depending on whether you want to be Internet Superiority Word-User or Normal Person Who Uses Normal Words.  Your choice! [That was for you, Kyle]):

"Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog."

1.  Cody and I were hanging out with some friends of ours the other night, and the conversation turned in the direction of super scary, awful spiders.  Actually, the conversation made it over to super scary and awful spiders after we had exhausted a discussion on horrible and disgusting bugs.  So, I guess fact number one is that I don't like bugs at all, nor do I particularly enjoy spiders, but if we're hanging out, I'll be real excited to talk about them.  For like, an hour.  And Google them!  Look at what used to live in my husband's parents boathouse!

2.  Also, those spiders can freaking swim, y'all.  I know that's not technically a fact about me, but listen to this story anyway.  A long time ago, my husband and his brother were in the boathouse mentioned above.  They were doing some sort of boathousey things, probably getting life-jackets out or dropping important things down the boat slip and then diving down to find them, and they happened upon one of these hairy monsters.  Being the red-blooded males they are, and not some sort of spider-loving freaks, they immediately set forth to kill the giant spider.  Clint (Cody's brother) took the swing-wildly-with-a-life-jacket approach, and from what I hear, Cody took the hide-behind-the-boat-and-scream approach.  Just kidding babe.  I know you probably didn't actually scream.  While you were hiding back there.  Anyway!  Clint eventually landed one of his blows, and the spider fell off the wall, scrambled to the edge of the water, fell in, sucked all of its legs together, and sunk like a rock.  Victory!  Or so the boys thought.  Until the other night, when through some rampant Googling we discovered that those freaking spiders, called Fishing Spiders, can SWIM, and the way they do it is described as such:

"Probably the largest spider of Central and Northern Europe is Dolomedes fimbriatus, the Raft Spider. Sometimes its also called Fishing Spider. In fact, Dolomedes is able to catch small fishes, tadpoles and frogs. Females reach more than 20 mm in length. The spiders need water in their habitats (e.g. small brooks or lakes, ponds) and in spite of their large size they are able to run over the water surface. If Dolomedes feels threatened, it is also able to submerge under water for minutes, by pulling its legs together and "diving" straight down."

EWWWWW!

3.  I like hangout sessions that end up with semi-inebriated Googling and laughing hysterically at people's childhood insect stories.  Give me a plate of cookies, a beer, and a story about how your best friend in second grade had a house absolutely chock-full of water bugs any day.  I'll take your Jimmy Choos, Chloe mini-dress, and trendy bar and raise you some flip-flops, a tee-shirt, and a good giant mosquito story.  I win.

4.  I'm totally and completely obsessed with my dog.  In fact, I have been struggling through this MEME/SURVEY to not make the entire eight points about my dog.  What she eats, what she doesn't eat, what she likes to do, the really cute thing she did just a minute ago....but it seems that I've only made it to number four.  I can't help it.  She's freakishly awesome.  See for yourself:

One more?  Ok, ok. 

5.   I am also obsessed with sharks.  Did you know that RIGHT NOW, this very minute, it's Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?  Did you?  Because if you did, then why are you reading anything on the internet at all?  You could be watching one show about the Five Deadliest Attacks Caught On Camera and then right after, watch a documentary about how People Don't Understand Sharks; They Aren't Killing Machines; Let's Blame The Media.  It's glorious!

6.  If you give me a bag of Tostitos Hint of Lime chips, no matter the size, I will eat it.  By myself.  Probably in under an hour.  Sorry!  Hope no one else wanted any.  Of the family sized bag. 

7.  I'm a total moron.  That may sound overly broad, but trust me, it's not.  For example, yesterday I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work.  I needed about 87 more bags of Tostitos Hint of Lime, because someone had eaten them all.  Anyway, it was raining (that should be fact number 7, that I live in a rainforest. This is a fact none of us knew, including me, until this summer. But I digress) and I was trying to get the trunk open.  I should also mention that I was driving my old high-school ride, the Green Camaro, and I haven't driven it in quite some time.  I'll get to that later.  Anyway, I was standing in the rain, the bag-carrying guy beside me, trying frantically to get my key to turn and open the trunk.  I finally did, but then I couldn't get the key back OUT of the lock.  "Umm, just go ahead and load those," I said to the bag-guy, as casually as a rain-soaked, frantic, crazy girl could sound.  "I haven't driven this car in forever.  Ha!  HAHAHA!" I breezily laughed, as I YANKED THE KEY to no avail.  The bag-guy didn't cooperate; instead he just stood there, bemusedly watching me struggle and listening to my incoherent and largely embarrassing babble.  "Oh, stupid key, I don't know why it's stuck, YOU CAN JUST PUT THOSE CHIPS IN THE TRUNK, AND STOP WATCHING ME, I mean, if you want to....."  Finally, bag-guy took pity upon me and said, "here, let me try".  He turned the key 90 degrees to the left, and pulled it straight out.  Huh.  Turns out you have to have the key facing in the right direction.  Who knew?  Oh that's right, EVERYONE.

8.  Speaking of the Green Camaro, Cody and I have been trying to sell that piece for over a year now.  The first time around, we had a few takers initially, but everyone backed out when they saw the fender was all messed up due to a parking lot incident I had while in the 12th grade.  Turns out when you try and pull between two parked cars through the one empty spot between them, you have to be pointing really, really straight.  Otherwise, you rip some of your fender off!  Interesting.  Anyway, we got the fender thing fixed, which only took about 8 months because it was some favor of a friend of a friend and anyway, now we have the car back, and are trying to sell it.  I am driving it because (well, this is only some of the story) any time Cody even LOOKS at the Green Camaro he immediately becomes so incensed with anger that he can hardly see straight.  And then he starts spitting blood.  He feels that no car should be so difficult to sell, and the fact that Green Camaro has not yet sold probably means that it is an Evil car, and is somehow personally out to get him. 
Cody has a similar theory about those people who call your cell phone and their number shows up as 000-000-0000.  He thinks they are little phone demons calling, and if you answer one of the 000 calls, the little phone demon will fly right into your ear.  I'm not sure what the phone demon does once in your ear, but I'm guessing they don't take up residence in your brain to helpfully organize your To-Do list, or improve your vocabulary or anything.  Rather, I bet the phone demons come from the same place as the Can't-Sell-Your-Car demons, and have similar evil intentions.  And if that's true, then it's a good thing I'm driving Green Camaro.  I answer those 000 calls all the time.

I tag Amy, Cupcake, Nathan, Janet, Kyle, Adam, Fist City, and Katy.

This Post Has A Double Purpose

1. To apologize in advance.  Much like business traveling seems fun when you're not the one doing it, getting spammed in your comments section always seemed like it would be cool.  Like if I was getting spam, well, then I'd obviously made it in the blog world!  However, this is not true, on any level.  So I had to turn the little comment validation text box thing on.  I hate that thing.  I hate it on all of your pages, you with the popular blogs who need it to keep the robots from spamming you endlessly.  I get the use, but I hate having to squint at the screen and go "is that a v?  No, I think it's an r....hmmm."  So anyway, I'm sorry about it.  Blame the freaking Viagra robots.

2.  To say that my next post will be post number 300.  Yay!  How exciting.  It better not suck, right?  I better think of something really great, to do the number justice, to do my readers justice, to thank everyone for reading along with me all the way to the great number of 300.

Great.   Now it's totally gonna suck.

A Breath Of Fresh Springy Air

I'm working on a little, tiny, site redesign, so if the page is coming up all funky for you, just hit refresh a few times, and things should work out fabulously.

In the meantime, I have a question for you people, and I need your help, stat!  I'll be back with all the details momentarily.

Black Tar Heroin, Indeed

Hi!  Want to hear something super cool?  You know when I was writing that last post, the one about sitting uncomfortably and not buying Microsoft Office?  Well, at the very moment I was writing that, sitting awkwardly on the floor and everything, a thief was breaking into Cody's truck and stealing everything inside!  I know, awesome, right?

And!  It gets better.  My well-intentioned but hopelessly disorganized husband was carrying just about every single document a citizen of the United States could possibly want in order to show that they do, in fact, have an identity.  Like, for example, a drivers license.  And a social security card.  And!  A birth certificate.  And a tax ID number!  And a bank account number.  And the requisite wallet with debit and credit cards.  So, yea!  A brand new Cody is born!  Complete with $700 of new crap from Wal-Mart purchased with one of our debit cards within 15 minutes of the theft, a two-year old laptop containing absolute LOADS of personal information, and (ironically) a copy of the Microsoft Office Suite.  For PC.  If the Suite was for Macs, I would suspect myself immediately. 

We are now a strictly cash-using family, due to the fact that everything possible in our names has been canceled.  I asked Cody if he deposited my last check in our bank account and he said yes, but now that it's in there, we have no access to the money whatsoever.  It's like a savings plan, on crack!

The crediting agencies (yes, all three of them) are supposed to call us if someone tries to, you know.  Buy a house.  Or a car.  Or, like, a really expensive dog or something.  Yorkies are pricey.  And the pet stores finance!  The good thing is, though, that due to the Law of Youth which states (and I paraphrase)

"...every young person must reside in a seemingly endless state of Being Broke unless A) their parents give them money constantly B) they have a trust fund or C) they sell drugs.  Lots of drugs"

our thief is not going to be able to afford a very good car.  Maybe a Kia or something, but not anything in the Porsche or Land Rover family.  So ha!  Joke's on you, buddy.  Have fun with our laptop and your new Kia.  Or something.

Now, onto something more fun.  I have, thanks to Pixie, obtained a new site meter.  It is called SHINYSTAT!  And it must be written in all caps, with the exclamation point.  Because SHINYSTAT! is such a cute name, and it seems exciting!  And fun!  And deserving of appropriate punctuation, at the very least.  Anyway, SHINYSTAT! has a feature which allows me to see the search terms and phrases people type into Google or whatever else people might use to search (is there anything else? Really?) and somehow get directed to my site.  Now I realize that this subject, as far as blog posting, is as old as the hills, but it is no less funny or entertaining, so shut up.  And let me show you my search terms.   I will try to answer questions (yeah, that's right, Kyle, read it and weep) regarding your search queries, but in some cases might have to resort to directing you elsewhere for true answers.

"cara copeland", ballet - This one is easy.  Cara Copeland was in the class ahead of me at the prestigious Ballet Lubbock for nearly all 12 years I attended the school.  She was (by far) the best dancer in the troupe, and was my idol.  I loved her with all my little girl heart.  I think she dances professionally now.  She should, anyway.  She was like a graceful angel.

"remember me cancer" lance armstrong - Easy, again.  I once wrote about how annoying I find the commercial where ol' Lance stares at the screen and proclaims "Remember me, cancer?  You made me suffer.  My mom, too," in all his grammatical prowess.

vinny testa restaurant + testaverde - While I have never written about Vinny's restaurant, or Vinny going to a restaurant, I have, on occasion, professed my undying love for Vinny Testaverde.  Gross-sounding last name and all, I find him enormously endearing.

"relieve himself" lady humiliation bladder - Whoa.  You've really thrown me for a loop now.  Not only do I not remember writing about lady humiliation bladders, I honestly have no direct knowledge of lady humiliation bladders, relative to relieving "himself" or otherwise.  Sorry.  It sounds like you may have some kind of vendetta though.  Good luck with that.

keith richards "black tar heroin" - Um.  Was it on a list of Things I Like?  No idea.

once in a life time porn vacation porn - Yow.  You people are getting sick, now.  First you want to know about black tar heroin, and it's like, ok, but I'm not that hardcore, really, and now you're wanting porn?  And vacation porn, at that.  I'm sorry, but this is just not that kind of site.

"lesson on fairness" - You might want to talk to the lady humiliation bladder seeker, above.  It sounds like the two of you could compare problems and come up with something really vengeful.

Also, I have become famous, in a lesser-traveled sub-sector of the Internet.  I wonder if the Backyardigans fan-base is responsible for some of my stranger search keywords.  If so, you are some messed up folk, Backyardigans fans,  Messed up.

 

Let Me Dig Out The Batteries

Is it time for more pictures on this site?  Maybe a little more interactiveness? 

I think it might be.  Stay tuned, please.  Strangely angled, un-centered, and/or blurry photos are on the way.