The Boy World

I've always been one of those girls who is equally comfortable hanging out with either gender.  Throw me in the middle of a super girly shopping and spa day, or cram me in the backseat of an all-boy truck, stopping for fast food on the way to a football game, and I'm equally happy.  I don't fare as well once you get to either extreme; for example I'm almost never fluent in female TV talk because I don't really watch Grey's/SYTYCD/Bachelor(ette)/etc, and I get uncomfortable pretty quick when it's just a bunch of guys sitting around a table drinking beer and waxing eloquent on what the best possible Cowboys defensive lineup will be this season.  But anywhere in the middle?  I'm down with it.

I have also always sort of prided myself on knowing how to do some things that have not been traditionally "girl world" activities.  I can change a tire, change my own oil, drive a standard, tell time on a analog clock, figure out which way is north, follow directions, make minor repairs (using tools!), etc.  But there's always been one glaring absence from my boy world repertoire - I have never mowed a lawn. 

Actually, scratch that - I have never even started a lawn mower, never even really looked at one past a two second "yep, there's the red lawnmower, in my way to park in the garage yet again" type of glance.  I know nothing about how they work, whether or not you can run them while they're on the driveway or if that will, somehow, tear up the concrete?  What if I run over a rock?  Will the blades somehow spin the rock violently around inside and then shoot it out directly into my face, causing irreparable damage and all sorts of self-confidence issues?  How do people mow those lines into the grass?  What about piles of dog poop?  Do you just mow right over those or avoid them?  Will the dog poop get caught in the same spinning vector of death the hypothetical rock was in earlier, and also end up on my face? 

The process seemed fraught with potential disaster, and I was content to avoid it altogether.

However, I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine about cliche male and female activities, and it became clear, once again, that I could never really take a super proud stance until I rectified my mowing deficiency.  So last night, I told Cody that I would mow the lawn today while he was at work.  He said ok, but apparently did not believe me because once I started sending him a barrage of text messages this afternoon, requesting different bits of mowing information, he seemed to lose a lot of confidence.

Elise (4:18pm): Any new hints on getting the mower to start?

Cody (4:22pm): I am planning on doing it when I get home

Elise (4:23pm): But wait!  I am trying!  Just give me some steps 2 start it

Cody (4:26pm): (gives me some instruction) and watch out for sprinkler heads along the road and for my gopher things

Elise (4:27pm): Ok. Thanks!

Cody (4:28pm): I would feel better about it if u would wait and let me show u this time...

Cody (4:32pm): Don't run over my gopher things!

Cody (4:39pm): Did you see my gopher things?

Elise (4:42pm): I won't!  Geez...

And you'll be glad to know that I DIDN'T run over Cody's gopher things.  At least I don't think I did.  I did, however, run over a pile of dog poop AND a rock, both accidentally, and neither one ended up all over my face.  Lucky break, or status quo, I still don't know.  But I feel good about it, either way.  In fact, I was feeling SO good about my new-found mowing independence, that I decided I would even go get gas for the mower because I mowed so much (and it took me so many tries to start it) that I ran out of gas.  So off I went to the gas station, covered in grass and sweat and smelling just like a boy.  Take that, cliche!  I am a grass-mowing girl! 

(Sidenote: I see women, ALL the time, mowing their yards.  So believe me, I am well aware that this is not any kind of huge female accomplishment.  I only mean that it's an accomplishment for me, as I have always been completely clueless to the process.)

Anyhow.  I get my little red gas container filled up, drive back home, refill the mower, and begin the rope-pulling, mower-starting process.  Surely I'll be quicker at that now that I am so experienced, right?  Well, it's still taking me forever, and actually the rope won't even pull but I figure out you can't be on an angle or it doesn't work...so I straighten out, start pulling my rope, and hear "Elise?  Hey Elise!  Is Cody not around?"  It's my neighbor Scott, the reigning Lawn and Landscape King of our subdivision, and so I stop yanking on the rope and give a little laugh and try to explain that I am attempting to mow for the experience, and to do something nice for Cody.  Scott turns to survey my progress as I'm explaining, and as I look at the freshly-mowed lawn through his eyes, I start to see less "yay, mission accomplished, shorter grass!" and more "super crooked lines with random patches of long grass in between".  Scott, whose lawn is never anything short of pristine, looks somewhat horrified.  I think we can be pretty confident that he won't be asking me to mow for him anytime soon. 

He's a super nice guy though, and as I ask him if he doesn't think it's just awful that I've never mowed a lawn before, he placates me with a story about how his wife hasn't ever planted a plant.  Now I know this is A) probably not true and B) a story just to make me feel better, but the truth is, even if his wife WANTED to plant a hundred plants, Scott would have that whole project diagrammed, engineered, and perfected to the point where all she would need to do is dig the actual hole over the pre-measured X Scott had drawn in the dirt, drop the plant in, and walk away.  He's seriously a landscaping ninja.  Cody and I are...not so much ninjas with the landscaping.  We're more like landscaping sloths, lazy and producing a lawn full of clumsy attempts at passable neighborhood standards.  So it's not like I'm totally ruining this gorgeous green heaven Cody's slaved over, but in glancing back at my crooked stripes, it's clear I'm not really adding anything to the overall effect, either.

But like I said, Scott's nice, and so to save me from my (probably palpable) embarrassment, he walks over to the side of a small hill we share and pulls on this coat-hanger looking wire that is sticking out of a little mound of dirt.  Suddenly my nasal canal (which is notoriously sensitive anyway) is filled with the most rancid, gag-inducing smell I have ever encountered.  And on the end of this wire, this coat-hanger thing that Scott's just pulled out of the ground, is a dead, rotting gopher. 

"Huh," Scott says.  "Look at that."

I'm having a hard time looking anywhere else, because this rotted half-corpse is crawling, absolutely CRAWLING, with the hugest maggots I've ever seen.

"Wow," I say, trying my best not to gag and run away.  "Are those...um...are those maggots?"

"Yup," says Scott, as he kind of shakes the wire, flinging giant maggots and gopher particles into the air.

I honestly don't remember exactly what happened next, except that it involved me making some excuse about having to go inside so Lydah (who wasn't the least bit interested in the gopher corpse) wouldn't try to eat it or anything.  Scott was saying something about how he should have checked that trap earlier, and I was saying yeah, sure, I'll bet, I'll be back in a minute...and then I ran inside with the dog and slammed the door behind me.

As I sat on the floor, just inside the doorway, I took a deep breath and exhaled.  Gone was the stench of rotting, maggot-ridden, rodent corpse.  In its place was Downy, and laundry detergent, and the basil I have growing in a pot on my windowsill.  I wiped the sweat off my forehead, looked at Lydah (who was giving me a look loosely translated as "are you kidding me with that jab about me EATING that nasty thing?") and thought, not for the first time, that I'm glad Girl World is my natural habitat.

Comments

[regan]

i'm glad you're writing again...

[Cassie]

This is an awesome story. It made me laugh out loud, and then at the end? It sort of made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

I've only mowed the lawn once in my entire life. And it was an old riding mower that was really hard to steer, so my arms hurt for weeks afterward. So there was a lot of whining, and Joe said, "NEVER AGAIN."

[Blanche (Mrs. Higrens)]

I think I just embarrassed myself at work with the laughing I couldn't hold in at the gopher story.

Thanks for a great start to another morning of the grind.

[Operation Pink Herring]

As a girl who was forced to mow the lawn (alternating with my two brothers) as a kid, let me tell you: you're not missing anything. Mowing the lawn SUCKS. It's hard, rocks will fly out and hit you in the leg (not in the face, usually), it's always hot out... yeah, I'd be happy leaving that one to Cody. Right now I'm really happy that we don't even HAVE a yard!

I'm interested to know what these gopher-things are! Some sort of noose-trap Cody put in their gopher holes? My mom used to toss the cat outside, hoping she'd catch and kill the gophers. Never worked :)

[Nathan]

So did the rotting maggot-laiden gopher carcass confine you to the kitchen the rest of the afternoon? Did a tired Cody come home, see the half-finished lawn and, his teples engorged with pulsating veins, fists shaking, say "What did I tell you about mowing lawns!!!"

Or did everyone live happily ever after?

[Laurie]

I'm with Nathan- we need more details! But not about the maggot-ridden-decaying-gopher-corpse. You can keep those details to yourself. Although I am curious about what the trap actually is- since we know it works and all. Good God! Imagine if you had run over THAT with the lawn mower! What if it pulled the wire out! And then flung Gopher at you! No wonder Cody was concerned!! I'd say you can consider your mowing trial a success, no matter how it ended. Personally, I leave it to the boys! I know I can, and I know I don't like to! :)

[TeacherA]

Can some women not tell time on an analog clock? That strikes me as highly disturbing.

[Mike]

Great Post! Funny story: My father in law lived next to a guy who kept his lawn in perfect condition. Guy comes over one day, makes small talk and then procedes to make mention of how poor condition my father in laws grass is in. My father in law looks at the guy and says "I'm raising kids here, not grass." That was the end of that. Not much of a landscaping, "grass-man" myself, I am looking forward to the day I get to use that line. Possible death from flying rocks doesnt happen with the mower but with the weedwacker. Wear goggles then.

[nancypearlwannabe]

Oh, god. The lawn mowing I could handle, the bits of dead gopher carcass and giant maggots I could not. UGH.