I live my life in a near-constant state of freaking out. I'm not sure if that shows on the outside or not - those of you who know me in real life will have to share - but on the inside, I am normally in some degree of turmoil.
It wasn't always like this. Or was it? I remember plenty of conversations where I was the footloose and fancy-free one; I've always been the type of girl who will take off, at a moment's notice, on the most random of adventures. In fact, I seek them out.
Doesn't that make me a free spirit?
Not really, as it happens. Looking for chaos, whether that be in the form of a last-minute trip or in the creation of a problem where previously one did not exist, is just a way I make my outward circumstances match my inner mindset. If I have something concretely chaotic to focus upon, I don't have to consider why my mind is always racing. I need an off button.
In true all or nothing fashion, when I finally do relax, I REALLY relax. I don't want to do ANYTHING, don't want to think anything, don't want to have to figure out anything. I don't want to worry about being social, because then my mind will start spinning again, trying to figure out if this person is having fun, and what about that guy over there? Who's he with? Do we need to include him? Is my house clean enough? Was that a tuft of dog hair I just saw tumbleweeding across the floor? I just vacuumed YESTERDAY, for goodness sake. How much can one dog shed? Now everyone is going to think I keep a nasty house. Wait, did we just run out of chips? I KNEW I should have bought more than two bags. Oh and now what will we do? Am I supposed to come up with something? Because I don't FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING!
It's beginning to get tiresome.
I envy the ease with which many of my friends go about their lives. They go to work, they put in an hour at the gym, they go to the grocery store, they pick up their house. They fold laundry. They have visitors drop by unannounced, and they don't care. They fall asleep without a television on to drown out the noise of their relentless thoughts.
How do they do that?
I realize that much of my stress is self-inflicted. Like I said, I almost seek out the chaos in a situation, because I am so used to being in that state that I feel like I wouldn't know what to do without it. I made the decision to start my own retail business at the age of 24, despite being warned numerous times by many, many (well-meaning) people the statistics on small-business failure (over 90% in the first two years) and the ridiculously fickle nature of retail. Duly noted, and then pushed aside. I went for my dreams! I knew it would be hard!
And holy geez, it is hard.
I guess I'm in that middle part of "living your dream". The part when all the difficult stuff has been realized; the reasons so many people don't do what you're doing become abundantly clear, and you have moved well beyond questioning your own sanity for making the choice you did (verdict: clearly insane). But I'm not yet to the point where I can fondly look back and say "wow, I really did it, didn't I? I just took the leap and crossed my fingers and hoped for the best, and if I knew then what I do now, I probably wouldn't have done it. But my goodness, am I glad I did!"
Yeah, I could say the first half of that sentiment rings true. But not that last bit.
At this point, I guess all I am wishing for is to be a little more Zen. A little more in touch with myself, and a little less inclined to have this constant, relentless "you'renotdoingthisright!" bearing down on me. I catch myself doing something totally innocuous - stepping out of the bathtub or looking at a not-quite-ripe orange in the grocery store - and I suddenly get a rush of bad adrenaline, that overwhelmingly negative something-is-wrong-feeling. And if I don't pull myself out of it, the brief moment of self-awareness will pass by and I'll just continue about my day, now saddled with an (unnecessary) impending sense of doom.
The thing that bugs me the most is that I just KNOW the stress sneaks by me undetected more often that not. There's really no reason to live my life this way; no reason to go from one activity to the next with a giant storm cloud brewing above my head. Sure, some things are bad. Some parts of my life are not the way I would want them to be. And some of those things I can control (to a point) and some I can't.
So what I want - what I need - is to just chill. I need to stop the sneaky advances of stress from ruining perfectly innocent grocery store trips. I need to try my best, and know that it's GOOD ENOUGH. I need to allow the phrase "good enough" to exist in my personal dictionary. And much like a good friend ended her entry the other day, this is not a "pity me, I have it so hard" type of post at all. It's much more a "does anyone else have this ever-present feeling of doom plaguing you at all hours?" type of thing. And if so, what do you do about it?
Ugh. Every time I hear the phrase "good enough" as good of a phrase it is to supposedly help us RELAX ALREADY my mind reflexively hollers, "NO! NOT good enough! I can do BETTER!"
Posted by: beck | September 03, 2008 at 04:34 PM
Better! MUST DO BETTER! Meaning, you're not doing it right, at the present moment! MEANING YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. You are doing this all wrong, and now everything will fall apart and also everyone will hate you. Good enough, pshaw.
Posted by: elise | September 03, 2008 at 04:37 PM
I definitely have a freakout mode. Mostly when I'm entertaining people, or about to entertain people, or meet people for the first time, especially people I admire, or when I'm taking tests or put on the spot. My mind goes into overdrive with what ifs and maybes and possible fails.
But it made me crazy in college so somehow I turned off the switch. Which makes people think in general that I don't care about anything, when in reality I care too much, and if I let it out, it won't stop coming out.
But I totally understand about recognizing the freakout and wishing you could pull it in or just make it stop, and being completely unable to.
I might suggest a cup of tea?
Posted by: allthewine | September 03, 2008 at 05:42 PM
Wow....I think you read my mind. I just went back to work after being a "stay-at-home-mom" for a year and a half and I am super stressed. To me, "Good Enough" means I only did enough to get by (ie: half-ass job). I can't handle that. I feel like I have to be the BEST teacher and the BEST mom and the BEST wife and it's exhausting. How can someone be the best at everything they do? I lay in bed for hours at night and my mind just spins with things I need to do to make what I am presently doing....better. I have no advice, only understanding and empathy. Maybe we should start a club.
Posted by: Jill Marie | September 03, 2008 at 10:22 PM
I seem to be immersed in chaos most of the time. I don't like it but I don't know how to change it. I'd like to chill but it makes me feel guilty because I just KNOW there's something I should be worrying about, or doing, or worrying about doing.
I know people who make it all seem easy. Which in turn makes me feel as if I'm doing it (whatever "it" is) all wrong. Which starts a frenzy of "you need to relax!" or "you need to simplify." Which means that I'm freaking out because I'm not, or can't, do either.
Posted by: Dingo | September 04, 2008 at 12:40 AM
I am a stress monger myself Elise. I think recognizing it is the first step. Deep breaths and serenity now chants can go a long way. I also combat it with some me time (read madden 2008) and a Red Stripe.
Posted by: MIke C | September 04, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Ohhhh I SO know what you mean. I'm constantly feeling like I need to be a better employee, a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better housekeeper -- that there's always MORE I could be doing to be BETTER. Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind just won't stop churning. It seems like I'm always worrying about something, like I'm always anxious about this or that.
Just so you know, I think what you did -- starting your own business so young -- is absolutely AMAZING. Even if you feel like you could do better, you should feel so accomplished for what you HAVE done!
SERENITY NOW!!!
Posted by: Cassie | September 04, 2008 at 10:25 AM
atw: I am drinking a cup of green tea right at this very minute and the little message on the teabag tag says "whatever you are doing right now is the most beautiful thing". So....maybe that will help?
Jill Marie: Let me know when the club meets and I will bring cookies that I'll obsessively make sure taste better than anyone else's.
Dingo: About 10 minutes after posting this one, I got an email saying simply (ha): "you need to simplify". Oh, so THAT'S how it's done!
Mike C: Do you think I could chant "Red Stripe and Madden, Red Stripe and Madden..." and it would have the same effect? I kind of feel better already...
Cassie: Come to the club meeting Jill Marie started! But be forewarned...I'm already obsessing over the cookies. Maybe you could do drinks? Make sure they're original, cute, and take a REALLY long time to make.
Posted by: elise | September 04, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Hmm.. I think I fall somewhere inbetween your stress and your friend's calm. I do fold my laundry when I get home from work, I don't fall asleep with the TV on, I pick up my house, and I don't mind when people stop by unannounced. However I do have feelings of stress and "you can do better" at times. For instance, at work. I like to be challenged and learn new things. Whenever I've been at a job for a long time I start to feel stagnant, as if I'm not using my brain to it's capacity. I also stress at home when I'm not picking up the house and I feel like I need to clean and do laundry and if I don't then I am being lazy. Sometimes, though, I don't care if I'm lazy and I just look at the mess and shrug my shoulders and think "oh well". One reason why I've gotten like that is because I'm sick of doing it all myself and getting mad at Hub-E for being on the computer while I clean the house. I figure, if he's not going to get up and help me then I'm not going to do it all myself and feel like the maid. I'll just live in a pigsty too, LOL. But he usually does help so it's not like it's a pigsty. Besides, he always tells me about the horrible places he goes into for work and how our place is in the top 1% of clean houses. I guess that makes me feel a little better.
Posted by: Chiada | September 04, 2008 at 12:16 PM
I live there too. Except my stress morphed into panic attacks. Yeah!!! I am going through a really good book right now that has some good tools in helping me figure out why I really am stressed. Because cooking dinner isn't that stressful, but something in my head is making it stressful. The book's called "When Panic Attacks" by Dr. Burns.
I would recommend it for people who don't have panic attacks but want to learn more about what makes them tick. His whole premise is that if you change how you think then you will change how you feel. It's helping me to stop being a perfectionist and learn how to relax.
Posted by: Andi | September 04, 2008 at 07:46 PM
I was definitely freaking out about this whole jobless thing, until R sat me down and clearly stated that we'd be fine with me not working for a few months (if it came down to that), I should be enjoying the time off, and that he was jealous of me getting time off and annoyed that I wasn't taking full advantage of it. After that, I calmed the hell down.
Normally, my freak outs inspire bouts of planning and researching. After I feel I've armed myself with enough information, I generally mellow out.
Posted by: Teacher A | September 15, 2008 at 07:28 PM
um, i've just become this person.
Posted by: allthewine | September 17, 2008 at 02:03 PM