Project Runway Season 5 Episode 5: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

I'll admit, I'm a teensy bit gun-shy about spending the (substantial) time to write this week's recap, knowing that I may just get taken to task about insignificant details or, better yet, get accused of being racist again.  Hello comment trolls, and welcome to my site!  You're making things SO much more pleasant.

But!  As this IS Project Runway (a.k.a. Show O' The Gunn) we're recapping, I will attempt to both carry on AND make it work.  As such:

We open up on scenes at Atlas Apartments again, except this time we're in...the weight room?  Weird.  But not as weird as working out in A) belted cargo shorts (Keith) or B) plaid dress pants (No-Sports Daniel).  We also get our obligatory Blayne-byte: "It's dramalicious".  I am SO OVER Blayne.

Heidi meets the designers on the runway in a metallic kimono-inspired mini-dress with a deep v-neck.  Now this is more like it, Klum!  Korto gets the choice to keep or lose her model, and of course keeps her.  Heidi changes things up a bit by not sending the designers off to find Tim and instead tells them that their challenge will be to design for a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.  Oh, and also, they need to go off and find Tim.

Back at Parsons, the designers speculate amongst themselves as to who this high-powered professional woman will be.  Various guesses are made, with Stella, who I am, if it is possible, EVEN MORE OVER THAN BLAYNE, hoping for Sharon Osborne because she is the "queen of rock".  For once, Stella, I agree with you - having Sharon Osborne on the show would be kind of awesome.  Can't you just imagine Sharon's high-pitched, whiny voice ripping all the crappy designs to shreds on the runway?  She'd be a fun judge.  Anyway, the high-powered woman turns out to be Brooke Shields, and Suede is grossly excited about this, giving us a disturbing reenactment of her old Calvin Klein ads.  Yuck.  Suede?  I'm over you, as well. 

Brooke tells the designers that they will be creating a signature look for her character in the show Lipstick Jungle, who is a high-powered executive with a musician husband and two kids.  As an aside, I have never seen the show Lipstick Jungle, but I did read the book and I mostly hated it.  It was just SO outside the realm of any normal person's life, and I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to relate with the characters.  Also, all the women in the book are like, encouraged to be blood-thirsty and cut-throat and to focus on money and power and actually?  I more than mostly hated the book.  Maybe the tv show is better?  Anyway, Tim hands the designers a dossier of "Wendy" (Brooke's character) and her outfits from season one and Brooke tells them that she needs to have an outfit that can go from day to night (i.e. from the boardroom to a glamorous evening event. you know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE, RIGHT? totally relateable).  Also, the winner of this challenge will have their outfit worn by Brooke on Lipstick Jungle.  So it's not just for pretend.  Then, Tim drops the bombshell:  the designers will be working in teams of two.  Everyone kind of smirks uncomfortably, all immediately praying that they don't end up with Stella. 

The designers are given 30 minutes to sketch and then will present their ideas to Brooke, who will in turn choose 6 designers to be the "team leaders" and do their idea.  Kenley is worried because she doesn't know if we've noticed, but some of the designers "don't really know what they're doing". 

Everyone presents their ideas to Brooke and she is, in turn: scared (of Blayne), brown-nosed (by Keith), confused (by Stella), excited (by Korto) and sung to (by Jerell).  Brooke picks: Keith (I guess flattery DOES get you everywhere!), Korto, Jerell, Kelli, Terri, and Blayne (AGGHH, PRODUCERS, STOP FORCING BLAYNE ON EVERYONE!)  Tim pulls out the dreaded velvet button bag, and gives each team leader, in turn, the chance to pick his partner.  The teams are as follows:

• Blayne and Leanne (she is NOT excited about the pairing)
• Keith and Kenley (Keith hopes to convince her to "shut her mouth and get to sewing". Sounds like a promising partnership)
• Terri and Suede (Suede kisses her)
• Korto and Joe (man, they make Joe look boring)
• Kelli and Daniel (Kelli has to pick between Daniel and Stella, and cringes but picks Daniel. OF COURSE SHE DID!  Who, in their right mind, would actually choose Stella?)
• Jerell and Stella (he's stuck with her, but is nice and says that he'll be working with leather so she can use her "skill set". Also, he calls her "Stella Barbarella")

Each team is given $150 and until midnight that night to complete their design.  Everyone heads to Mood for fabric and does their Mood thing.  Keith complains about Kenley the whole time.  Why did he choose her, anyway?  Back at Parsons, Jerell is being really nice to Stella.  I kind of like him more all of a sudden.  Kenley snipes about Keith to Daniel.  Boy, she's pleasant.  Suede and Terri have some kind of a crazy interaction where Terri speculates which Suede is packing: balls or a vajayjay.  Also, she says she "ain't got no babies", and, as such, "ain't nobody sucking on (her) titty".  Classy!  She then suggests that Suede "man up".  Suede looks like he might cry.

Kelli tells us she basically raised herself because she had absentee parents, and she hopes to win this challenge so her grandmother, who always kept her in line, could flip on the tv and see Kelli's work on Lipstick Jungle.  Blayne says he's from Yakima, Washington, which he describes as a tiny town where he stuck out like a sore thumb, and instead of making the intelligent joke about where Blayne WOULDN'T stick out like a sore thumb, I instead am focusing on the prefix "yak" in his hometown's name.  Blayne makes ME yak!  Ha!  I told you it was immature.

Kenley is acting like a b to the iatch.  Maybe "acting" is not the right term.

The models are sent in for first fittings, and everything seems to be going as planned until we see Kelli and Daniel's skirt.  They are crouched around the model, pulling and twisting and saying things like "it's not straight", "it's super crooked", "it's not ruched over here", and "DANIEL YOU SCREWED UP THE SKIRT, I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY TATTOOED ARMS OF AWESOMENESS".  Well, maybe not that last thing, but Daniel DID screw up the skirt. And Kelli DOES use the word "squabbly" to describe Daniel's zipper construction.  Kelli says the skirt is horrid, a total disaster, and wants to cut something new.  I think what she wants to cut is Daniel.  Daniel rips the skirt apart to start over and seems to be basically a good sport about things.  Except for saying he doesn't care.  I have heard others speculate that Daniel seems less than enthused about being on the show now that his boy, Wesley, is gone, and if this rumor has ANY truth to it, Kelli would have been better off choosing Stella the Freakshow as a partner.  There's nothing worse than working with someone who just doesn't give a rip.

Terri and Suede are still fighting.  Terri is the evil genius boss to Suede's meek, incompetent worker ant.  Suede didn't feel comfortable making the shirt, and Terri said MAKE IT ANYWAY, AND QUIT YER CRYING!  And so Suede made it.  And now the shirt looks terrible, and he goes to show Terri, and she says IT'S AWFUL!  FIX IT, YOU RIDICULOUS, UN-TALENTED CHILD!  Suede is having like, a panic attack a minute.

With two hours left in the workday, Tim comes in to make sure no one has completely lost it, and, at his second stop, tells Jerell and Stella that he loves their outfit, and that it looks like a true collaboration.  Jerell puts his arm around Stella and says that it was.  He's so nice!  I totally like him now.  Jerell is the popular high-school senior to Stella's reject freshman; he's helping Stella so that she can walk into school without being shoved in the locker and called a freak every day. 

Tim takes a gander at Team Kelli/Daniel and pronounces himself "dubious".  They look dubious as well, as they feebly try and explain how the outfit is transitional - their best attempt is "maybe she could wear this as a belt...or something".  Tim tells them to "hold it off", whatever that means.  Team Terri/Suede, with Suede still looking on the verge of tears, gets a desperately-needed lift in spirits when Tim dubs their look "not tragic" and says the neckline of the much-maligned blouse is fabulous.  Terri gives Tim a hug, and, after a side-long glare to Suede, he jumps at her command and leans in for the triple-hug.  I swear, he's like, TERRIFIED of her.  Get it?  Terri-fied!  I am ON today!

Tim tells Team Korto/Joe that their blouse looks like a big sweet potato.  Korto and Joe get into a flight on the spot.  Korto starts imagining Joe crossing the street just as a bus is coming.  Yowza!

Runway day, and the designers head back to Parsons to finish their stuff.  Kelli speculates that Daniel might be half-assing, because he still hasn't finished Skirt B and she's already finished a lined jacket and top.  Kenley talks nasty about Daniel, saying that he's always on about how elegant his style is but SHE'S never seen it from him.  I thought those two were friends!  I'm telling you, Kenley is Not A Nice Girl.  Blayne is actually behaving like a human this episode, and his design doesn't even seem that bad.  I'm starting to...gasp...get a TINY bit of respect for him.  I don't know if that's a sad commentary on this season's talent-pool, or if it's because he's actually a decent designer.  In a world where I could actually like Blayne, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Jerell says that when he looks over at Team Kelli/Daniel, his assessment is "nuh-uh".  It does look a little....overdone.  Tim comes in and says they have 5 minutes til the show, and "are some of you still sewing? Question mark?"  I like the idea of speaking your punctuation.  It's a good tactic.

And, finally, it's time for the runway show.  We've got Heidi (in a shiny, sleeveless pink blouse and skintight black pencil skirt), Michael Kors, Nina, and (of course) Brooke Shields as the guest judge.  My thoughts are as follows:

Team Korto/Joe: Nice, I like the color, the jacket doesn't look as big and poufy as before, and the dress underneath, although it isn't perfectly fitted (actually it has a really bad fit - yikes), is super cute.  It's a good transitional outfit

Team Kelli/Daniel - it doesn't look too bad - the shirt underneath the jacket is kind of short, but otherwise it looks kind of whatever

Team Jerell/Stella - great outfit, but it's not actually transitional - I mean, it's just a blouse, a big belt, and a skirt - it doesn't change anything from day to night

Team Keith/Kenley - I hate this outfit SO much.  The skirt is horrendous - brown feathery layered nonsense that would not flatter anyone, and the blouse is made out of what looks like neon tie-dye.  The "transitional" appeal is that the sleeves on the tie-dye blouse have strings to untie and you see more shoulder.  HATE.

Team Terri/Suede - again, there's no transitional appeal to the outfit (it just stays the same) and it looks like the blouse is cinched at the waist with a canvas utility belt, but it's a really cute blouse that can go on or off-shoulder and the pants are great and look well-made

Team Blayne/Leanne - Ugh, the bermuda shorts are tapered by the knee with a thick cuff.  That is NOT flattering.  And the top looks kind of droopy and gives the model saggy boob.  The best thing about the outfit is the pearl necklace the model's wearing, and unless Blayne sewed that, I think he's in trouble

Heidi wants to see Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel, Keith/Kenley, and Blayne/Leanne.  Meaning Terri/Suede and Korto/Joe are safe. 

Jerell/Stella - Brooke likes it, except for the belt, Heidi likes the belt and says when it came out she was like "boom".  MK says it's flirty, feminine, sexy without being cheap, and chic.  Nina says it's well-made, and that is high-praise coming from Perfectionist Nina.

Kelli/Daniel - Brooke says the shape is the truly unfortunate part.  Wait, what?  She says it looks cheap.  MK says "slutty, slutty, slutty".  Nina says it's a question of taste - and you can't get taste if you don't already have it.  That doesn't sound like a question to me!  Kelli says maybe she should have edited herself more, and MK says Daniel should have said something.  Does that mean they assume Kelli is tasteless and Daniel has to monitor her?  This is all seeming quite rude towards poor Kelli.  Heidi asks: if one of them had to go home, which one should it be and why?  Kelli, of course, says Daniel should go home and he looks super-offended.  Daniel counters by saying he has impeccable, high-end taste, and Horrible B Kenley starts laughing and can't stop.

Keith/Kenley - Brooke likes it and says her character could wear this.  Nina says it may not be "day" enough but it's impeccable.  MK says that their teamwork is really great.

Blayne/Leanne - Brooke says she was scared, and it was for good reason.  The outfit is too casual and not sophisticated enough.  Nina says Blayne didn't listen to what the challenge was.  Heidi says the model looks like a woman who didn't have a mirror, and just grabbed things and put it all on in the dark.  Nina tells Leanne that she is surprised she would let something so "...enhh" go down the runway.  Blayne defends himself by saying "don't you know I'm crazy?", and MK calls him out by saying the pieces weren't special-crazy, but just boring.  They are asked the "who should go home" question, and Blayne says since he was the leader and it was his idea he should.  Leanne agrees.

The judges confer, and they all love Jerell/Stella.  Keith/Kenley's outfit gets dubbed "sophisticated and appropriate for the character".  Ugh, I guess "Wendy" wears really repulsive clothing on the show, then.  Kell/Daniel get hated on some more for being cheap and tasteless.  Nina says, again, that she questions both their taste levels, but especially Kelli's.  Nina!  Why all the hate?  Do you not like tatted-up girls?  Heidi tries to be a voice of reason by reminding everyone that Daniel didn't bring much to this, or ANY, challenge this season.  That's something I can agree with.  Blayne/Leanne are last on the chopping block and Nina seems convinced that Blayne just doesn't listen to or follow directions.  He is deemed "bratty".  And MK says Leanne lost her voice and confidence on this challenge.  At any rate, the decision has been made and the results are as follows:

Winner:  Keith.  What can I say?  I hate Kenley, I hated their design, and I totally disagree with the judges.  Jerell and Stella's design was much better, as was Terri and Suede's.

Loser:  Kelli.  OH MY GOSH.  Now I really DON'T have anything to say.  I mean, seriously?  Kelli goes home while Blayne, Stella, AND Daniel all get to stay?  Kelli, as she noted, has never even been in the bottom on a challenge, and she won the first day, right out of the gate.  She is pissed, AS SHE SHOULD BE, saying that she'll go home and make "classy clothes" on her own time.

I am crushed.  Kelli was my favorite, and although, I suppose, she didn't always make the MOST high-end garments, I just can't get around the fact that the supposed "reason" Kelli was sent home was for "poor taste" and yet Stella still remains on the show, able and willing to stitch up another leatha Hot Topic-worthy monstrosity next week.  SERIOUSLY, YOU KICKED KELLI OFF FOR BEING TASTELESS AND STELLA THE METH ADDICT IS STILL ON THE SHOW, MAKING CROPPED PLEATHER HALTER-TOPS AND CORSET-LACED CROTCH PANTS. 

That is all.

Comments

[Operation Pink Herring]

I totally thought Jerrell and Stella should have won. They actually worked together, their outfit was awesome, and Jerrell managed to get stella to create something not black! success!

Stella moved up a few notches in my book this episode, because I felt so bad for her. And Jerrell was awesome. I now love him, even though he did wear a Peter Pan hat in the last episode.

Kenly needs to die.

[Dingo]

I don't know what I like more, the show or the re-caps. Oh, as for the trolls...they provide amusement, nothing more. Asshats.

Anyhoodle, I hate Daniel and Suede's impersonation of the Calvin Klein ad (which you know he's been practicing in the mirror since the commercial first aired) was almost enough to stop me from watching the show. Dingo hates Suede.

But Stella, that train wreck, she keeps drawing me back in. What a wonderful casting decision -- the right amount of wackiness with likability. But I don't want her to win.

[Miz Shoes]

Great re-cap, as always, sweetie-darling. And I agree that Kelli's sleeve of sewing notions was awsome. I think she got the boot because she was the team leader, and that ensemble was a walking train wreck. Belly-baring, bad proportions, awful technique. Also? Throwing your team-mate under the bus is always a bad thing. She should have volunteered herself as team leader. I really believe that was the only reason they kept Oompa-Loompa-Licious around, because he manned up and was willing to take the hit.

[Kathy]

I don't let the trolls have an opportunity to twist my words - I have to approve all comments before they are posted.

Although design sense may be a little wack this season, it seems that these designers have better finishing skills than some in the past, don't you think?

Read my recap here.

[Quart]

I think I've gotten to the point where I am only watching this season so I know what you're talking about when you do your recap!

[Cliff O'Neill]

Well, I loved Terri's look too. (And I think I may end up loving every damn thing she does at this point.)

And I am a big Kelli fan, but that outfit was really sad. I would have preferred to see Danny Downer go for it, but, in the end, it was her creation, I suppose.

I'm also distressed that we're faced with more weeks of some of these folks. But we'll see!

[Jay]

I don't watch this show, and now I don't have to because I can just read about it online! I felt like I was right in there! I looooove The Gunn.

[Cassie]

Lovely re-cap, very inoffensive this time, GO YOU. We wouldn't want to offend.

That being said...OMG THIS SEASON IS CRAZY. I can't believe Kelli is gone. I think next weekend I am going to go down to her store and console her. She was cheated and she had every right to be pissed.

At first I was sort of amused by Stella, but that was ONLY because I thought she'd only be there for a short time. The fact that she's flown under the radar for this long is frightening.

GRRRR! Exclamation point!

[Hayley]

Nit-picky commentors make blogging un-fun. When we do bad celebrity style posts over at Second City Style, someone always, without fail, says- "You guys are too mean and demanding. Celebrities have it hard, having to look good all the time." If you don't like a little snarky, opinion-based teasing of poorly dressed celebs, don't bother to read.

Anyway, back at ya on the great recapping! I gotta say though, I love me some Stella. She's crazy and possibly tasteless but hilarious as a character, at least. And while they are clearly trying to vilify Keith, Terri and Kenley were clearly the mean girls this week! Meannnn.

[allthewine]

anyone who wants to troll you? I will cut them. Cut them WITH LEATHA.

I freaked the moment Kelli was axed, in symbiotic freaking for you (what? Is that a sentence that can/should be used?)

But I kinda liked Keith's. Actually Keith is my favorite designer left. So at this rate he'll probably be cut next week.

[kelli]

You sing it sista!! {I always liked you too!}

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Holy crap, I didn't even know Project Runway was on again. TIVO, YOU HAVE FAILED ME!

[SailorAlphaCentauri]

This was a great recap and now that I have seen what the outfits looked like, WTF were they thinking when they chose Keith/Kenley's outfit? They must figure that nobody will watch that stupid show, so it doesn't matter what Brooke wears. And getting rid of Kelli when Daniel clearly has I-don't-care-anymore-itis is total b.s. I agree that the winning outfit should have been either Jerell/Stella's or Terri/Suede's outfit, so I'm more convinced that Bravo is trying to sink the show so that nobody watches it when it goes to Lifetime.

[RA]

HELLO, is that Kelli-the-real-Kelli up there?! Elise, you have hit The Big Time!!!

Um, yes. So, Blayne and his -liciousness can just shut it, because Tim Gunn will never say "holla atcha boy" of his own volition! It is time to start booting off the ridiculous people on the show and get down to talent. I'm annoyed that there seems to be so much producer involvement during this season. I can see no other explanation.

And for what it's worth, I totally say my punctuation for emphasis. Like, if something is "true slash harsh." Or if I just don't get something, sometimes, I just say, "question mark?" The Gunn and I are on the same page!

[Laurel]

Elise, I no longer have Bravo, so you are my lifeline to Project Runway.

No pressure or anything. :)

I'm kind of crushed that Kelli was auf'ed!