All Or Nothing

Project Runway, Season 5 Episode 7: Cars And Crystal Meth

Well, this is gonna be weird.  My Tivo didn't record the episode, and by the time I realized this, there weren't even any repeats to record until like 5pm today.  Can you imagine?  It's a total middle-class tragedy.  So, I am watching this episode in little clips and will cobble together my recap from those.  Ooh, it's kind of exciting, isn't it?  Maybe this one won't be so horrendously long*.

To review: last week was the drag queen challenge, Joe-The-Only-Straight-Male won, and Daniel got kicked off, much to my relief.  I also promised the Project Runway gods that if they WOULD kick off Daniel, I would speak only kind words towards Stella/Blayne.  And then I tried to take it back, and asked y'all if you would absolve me of that promise.  The response was sketchy, so I'm not sure where we stand with that.  I guess I'll have to see how much they provoke my ire today.

Annnd, we're off and running.  Inside Atlas Apartments, Leanne looks like she's going to puke and Kenley cries to the camera about how Daniel, her best friend, is gone.  Daniel, the one she LAUGHED AT DURING JUDGING, ON THE RUNWAY.  Yeah, he's her best friend.  Methinks Kenley meant to say "only".  Keith tries to make fashion design sound honorable: "I want to change the way the world dresses".  Yes Keith, that really WOULD make the world a better place.  Forget poverty, disease, wars, famine...just make sure everyone has paper-shredded dresses and pretty soon we'll all be holding hands, swaying back and forth, and singing Kumbaya.

Heidi's wearing a deconstructed circus tent!  Made into (guess what) a mini-dress.  It's time for the model-swap - is anyone going to steal someone else's model?  Nope, Joe keeps his model.  Okay, so what's the challenge?  The designers have to go to the rooftop of some building on 31st St. and they'll find out.  Everyone walks to 31st, Reservoir Dogs style, and discovers that the building in question is a parking garage.  And the rooftop of this parking garage is...a parking lot!  With cars.  And there's Tim, standing next to the lead color designer for Saturn, who is very, very short and wearing an unfortunate shirt.

The challenge is to somehow make an outfit using parts from these Saturn Hybrid cars, because the cars are made out of recyclable materials.  Or something like that.  The designers are all given a big bag and have...four minutes? that can't be right...to gather as much raw material from the car as possible.  Terri laments that she forgot her blow-torch, and Stella looks like she's either confused or extremely angry.  Maybe Stella's daddy "worked on cars" and she has bad memories of stripping them for parts?

(See what I did there, aiming my snark towards Stella's dad?  Genius!)

In their mad dash for spare car parts, Blayne notes that there are tons of seatbelts all piled up, and he thinks they look beautiful.  I think Blayne may be on to something, but then I see that many of the designers bags are full of seatbelts.  Oh great, are they going to be like the infamous tablecloth debacle of episode one?  Joe is from Motor City so he feels this challenge is right up his alley.  I think Joe does better when things AREN'T right up his alley, so this probably doesn't bode well for him.  Jerell is wearing a tank top I wish I had in my closet, and he is gathering something that isn't seatbelts, so I'm hoping for the best with him.  Oh no, Stella.  She says (and I quote): "Buh-dup-de-dup, I'm nawt rushin' around like a fool.  I'm nawt moovin'."  She's also wearing what looks like a black tank top coupled with...black sleeves.  But not full sleeves.  Just up-to-the-armpit sleeves.  See, if I just report facts about Stella, it's okay!

The designers haul all their car crap back to Parsons and Tim tells them they will have until midnight that night to work, and also that the winner of this challenge gets immunity.  Keith should be happy about this, since last week he was complaining that he should have had immunity from his win the week prior.  Merely having Brooke Shields wear his atrocious outfit on national television wasn't enough of a prize for him.

Everyone tries to figure out what they'll make from their headlights, car seats, and carburetors.  People are smashing their parts on the floor, breaking things into pieces, and Blayne feels that the atmosphere is "experimental".  We haven't seen Stella in this montage, so one can only assume she's off experimenting herself.  What?  WITH THE CAR PARTS! 

Keith gives what may be the MOST conceited interview ever, wherein he simultaneously curses the judges and says he's sick of his clearly superior outfits not getting the credit they deserve.  Wow, Keith.  Really?  REALLY?

Stella finally makes an appearance and announces that she's confused.  I'm backing away from this one, slowly....

Finally, we see someone sewing, and it's Suede!  He does insist on employing the exceptionally annoying term "wackadoodle", though, so I guess he's right back to neutral in my book.  Oh my gosh, I spoke too soon, Suede is SO FAR from neutral in my book.  He just spoke in the 3rd person (thought we were over this, dude), gave a detailed run-down of his various car-part-inflicted injuries, and tried to seduce the camera by giving a come-hither look and saying something about "bleeding for his passion, baby".  TRIPLE OR QUADRUPLE YUCK.

Back from commercial break (maybe...I am still cobbling together these clips, so I could be out of order) the designers finally seem to have some idea of what they'll make.  Stella, wearing a twee leather cap, announces that she's going to do something different, something pretty.  I would love to see that, Stella, truly.  Suede is making a one-shouldered something, Keith is still whining about how he's having to design for the judges and he's not comfortable with that, and Korto is laying the seatbelts out in a sort of basketweave pattern and saying she feels innovative, apparently unaware that Seatbelt Bags have been on the market for ages.

Kenley is drawing zebra stripes on something that looks like it might be an air filter bag or maybe a sun-shade.  She is snarking about how everyone else is using the seatbelts, but not her!  No sirree.  I actually kind of like the zebra print idea, though, so I guess we'll see how this turns out.  Leanne's sketch looks super awesome - girl can draw, that's for sure.  I am pretty excited to see her design completed.  Stella remarks that she feels her design is going to look like something from Planet of the Apes.  And yet, she doesn't seem upset by this.  She makes another twee hat and puts it on Blayne's head, who immediately starts parading around and quoting Darth Vader.  Blayne LOOOVES him some Darth Vader. 

Putting seatbelts through a commercial sewing machine doesn't work, who knew?  Terri asks Keith how he thinks her design looks thus far, and he snaps back with "dunno if you want to trust MY taste, apparently it's questionable".  The horse you're beating, Keith?  It's way dead.  Terri tells the camera that she NEEDS Project Runway, because she doesn't want to go back to her old job.  And with that one little statement, Terri, your wish will almost certainly come true!

Finally, something dramatic happens that I actually do consider to be somewhat tragic: Kenley's gorgeous model Shannone, otherwise known as "the only reason Kenley's designs ever looked good", has had to drop out of the competition.  Kenley will now have to use Jermaine (is that right?) and the girls have completely different body shapes.  Kenley focuses her complaints on fitting issues, but what I would be wanting to say if I were her is "SHANNONE WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU, OMG, NOW I AM GONNA LOSE".  Because that's actually the truth.

Tim comes in for his mid-design checkup, and he is mostly pleased.  He had taken the designers to task at the beginning of this episode, saying basically that the reason they were given another chance at "innovative" was because of how mightily they all sucked it up on the first (grocery store) challenge.  But now that he's seen what they're doing with the car parts, he's pleased.  Standouts include Leanne, Jerell, and Korto (although I personally am not a fan of Korto's, at least at this stage).  Tim is worried about Blayne (says he has tons of work to do), Stella (says he doesn't get it at all and that it needs to be taken MUCH further) and Keith (says that Keith needs to believe in his design, because Keith is STILL whining).

Just in case we weren't completely fed up with Keith, we get to see a little montage where he displays a real need for anger management classes, an ability to scare all the other designers with his temper, and another facet of his horribly cocky attitude: "I know we're all here to win", Keith says, "but I just deserve it more than any of them do".  Well!

Stella's boyfriend is named Ratbones.  STELLA'S BOYFRIEND, IS NAMED: RATBONES.  Ratbones.

Runway day, and we're back at Parsons.  The models are sent in and the designers have an hour to send them to hair and makeup and finish up.  Okay.  So Keith, even taking the editing-to-make-him-appear-mean in mind, is being a TOTAL jerk.  He dresses his model in a super-tight skirt (is it also made of seatbelts?) and instructs her not to sit down.  She then heads off to get her hair and makeup done, and the hair and makeup people (obviously) make her sit down.  I mean, these models are like 5'11", and I seriously doubt the hair and makeup people have stilts on hand.  Anyway, Keith's model comes back into the design room and informs Keith that she has a tiny tear in the skirt.  Keith totally rips her for sitting down (did you sit down? I knew you would sit down! Are you stupid?) and then tells the camera that he gave a model (said VERY condesendingly) a simple task and he would have hoped she could have followed directions.  Also that he knows it's a competition for the models, too, but it's clearly not as important.  As it is for him.  Because he's Keith.  He does manage to fix the tear (it looks like it was right on a seam, so big freaking deal, Keith) and then instructs his model to "watch the breathing", as he pats her on her non-existent tummy.  Nice.

It's runway time, and Heidi (wearing a relatively normal-looking strapless dress - short - is there any other way?) introduces the judges.  This week we're missing Nina, but a stunning Laura Bennett (from season 3, one of my favorite Project Runway designers ever), is filling in for her.  We've got Michael Kors as always, and the guest judge is the Icky Rachel Zoe, celebrity stylist and drug-pusher extraordinairre.  Seriously, I DESPISE Rachel Zoe.  She's unattractive, she has horrible skin and teeth (that's what happens when you live on crystal meth and coffee, kids!), she has a track-record of turning her celebrity clients into eating-disordered freaks, and she's a horrible person, to boot.  Why she is even on this show is beyond me.  She's totally trashy, and she sounds like she just woke up from a 72-hour bender, smoked three packs of Marlboro Reds, and dragged herself into the judging chair.  Classy Laura looks like she's inching her chair away from Zoe's, possibly afraid of catching something from her.  Gross.

The runway show begins and my thoughts are as follows, again in PASS/FAIL format:

   

Jerell - doesn't even look like it's made out of car parts, is kind of space-agey and very well-fitted.  Pass!

Keith - yawnfest. It's a tan skirt and a cream sleeveless top, and the back has something weird going on. He's right that it doesn't look like it's made from a car, but he's wrong when he says it's well constructed. Anytime the rebellious act of breathing causes your skirt to fall apart, the construction is probably not stellar.  FAIL!

Terri (who is wearing a Yoko Ono shirt) - pants and a black high-necked halter-esque top. She says she was going for tough and biker and she totally pulls that off.  Pass.

  

Kenley - without Shannone, her outfit looks significantly worse. As expected. The zebra-print layer looks just like air filters stapled on top of a pencil skirt, and the rest of the outfit is okay, but no more exciting than Keith's.  I'd say fail, but that's more because I don't like Kenley.  I bet it passes.

Leanne - wow.  This is seriously awesome.  The construction looks impeccable, the design is really cool, the model wears it well - PASS, and should be WIN.

Suede - looks like an ice-dancing outfit, but it's alright.  She just needs a pair of skates and some cheesy music and it would be perfection.  Pass.

 

Korto - very similar silhouette to her past designs (kind of A-line with Kimono-style sleeves) and it still just reminds me of those Seatbelt Bags every time I look at it.  But there's nothing wrong with it, and it seems well put-together, so pass.

Blayne - says he wants to design outside of "Blaynewood", and I guess he did.  This dress is long, made of seatbelts, has broken glass scattered across the bodice, and is ill-fitting.  I guess the only thing it has in common with his other designs is the "ill-fitting" part.  The boob-region is all wonky.  I'm not sure, but if construction is important, this one will fail.

 

Joe - typically well-done, and also typically not all that interesting.  I'm not sure why he did the leather with logo right across her chest, as it makes her look like an advertising fembot for Saturn, but I guess overall it's an okay look.  Who really knows, but I'll go with pass.

Stella - this is the first design she has EVER sent down the runway that I didn't immediately recoil from in disgust.  So I guess that means it's alright.  Which ALSO means the judges probably won't like it and if she gets kicked off for finally making something decent, I am going to lose all faith in the show.  Of course that was halfway accomplished when Rachel Zoe tottered onstage, so whatever.  Oh yeah, Stella - pass.

Heidi says Terri, Suede, Joe, and Kenley are safe.  Meaning she wants to talk with Jerell, Leanne, Blayne, Stella, Keith, and Korto.

First up is Jerell, and everyone loves his design.  They say he really gave his model a "look", and although the styling (a mile-high ponytail) might be over the top, it totally works.  Heidi gushes that it's wearable (probably because the skirt comes down about 1" below delicate lady-parts, and that's how Heidi rolls).  Rachel Zoe also likes it, saying it's very impressive.  Jerell is happy.

Next up is Blayne and Laura, my lady, points out the bad fit around the boobs.  Heidi wants to know if Blayne considered this old adage when he was making his dress: break a mirror and suffer 7 years of no sex.  Hmm, I had always heard "luck" but maybe that's the way it goes in Germany or something.  Korto's seatbelt dress provokes a good response from the judges, leading Rachel-the-Hoe to announce that she would wear it out of the house immediately and can't believe it's made from car parts.  Really, Rachel?  Because it's clearly made of seatbelts.  Clearly.

Leanne is up next, and as I was hoping, the judges LOVE her dress.  Seriously, it is amazing.  In fact, I will even venture to say that it is the Very Best thing we have seen this entire season of Project Runway.  If she doesn't win, I will eat my hat.  Where does that phrase come from, anyway?

Upon closer inspection of Stella's outfit, it's really pretty bad.  It's not nearly as trashy as normal, but the skirt looks like it's coming apart in several different places, and none of the judges think that the skirt and the vest look like they belong together.  It's like on Sesame Street - one of these things is not like the other...

Oh Keith.  This is just embarrassing to watch.  None of the judges are blown away by his outfit, and as I noted, the "something weird" going on in the back does turn out to be weird.  And bad.  Some kind of netting thing that doesn't fit right and makes the model look like she's got back-fat.  "Anyway", Keith says, in that annoying try-to-disguise-it-as-a-cough voice, "you should have seen my design last week".  Laura, (MY girl!) says "excuse me?"  Yeah, Laura's not letting you get away with that passive-aggressive shite, Keith.  When Keith continues to complain about being "insulted" by the judges last week, MK takes him to school, giving him a lesson on letting criticism roll off his back.  The judges look annoyed, the fellow designers look uncomfortable, and Keith hangs his head in defeat.  The cocky ones always fall the hardest.

The designer are sent offstage, and the judging continues.  Nothing really new to report, other than the fact that MK seems to have gotten seriously annoyed with Keith's whine-fest onstage, and says it's ridiculous and insane to blame your total lack of concept on the model and the critic.  YOU make your own destiny.  Oh yeah!  Everyone is brought back out and the results are:

Winner:  Leanne!  Yes!  Thank goodness, too.  Leanne dances offstage where she seems truly grateful for her win and is endearing.  Korto, on the other hand, looks pissed that she didn't win.  I think she should be glad to even be in the top.

Loser:  Keith.  Now this is kind of shocking, actually.  It came down to him and Stella (who was in those awful striped leggings AGAIN), and as much as Keith deserves bad things due to his attitude, I think he's clearly a better designer than Stella.  He mumbles something when the announcement is made, but I can't understand it.  He kisses Heidi, per custom, and kind of sideways waves to MK, who gives him an annoyed smirk.  Yow.  There seems to be no love lost there.  Ugh, I want to rejoice over Mean Keith leaving, but instead I just feel sorry for him.  Sure, he's got a major case of Victim's Mentality, but he clearly LOVES fashion, and this "Auf" has come as as big of a shock to him as anyone.  Sorry, Keith, I really am.

*Umm, clearly this did not happen.

Radiohead at the Hollywood Bowl

 

So!  Umm... Err... I still don't have words to describe the show.  The best I can come up with is this one: surreal.  What with the concert venue (amazing, outdoor, amphitheater seating, hills surrounding you), the light show (fiery icicles, orange pulsing waves, purple scrolling lyrics), the dual screens on either side of the stage (featuring an electronically distorted view of each of the band members), and the music (since I have openly loved Radiohead so passionately this one doesn't really need a parenthetical explanation) - I do mean it when I say I felt like I was dreaming.  A very sensory overloading kind of dream.

We picnicked beforehand, sitting in the grass outside the Hollywood Bowl with hundreds of other eager concert-goers, drinking wine and eating sandwiches.  When we ran out of wine, we wandered around and got refills from similarly group-minded fans.  The atmosphere was very chilled out, yet brimming with a sort of understated electricity.  The temperature was an even 70 degrees.  The sun was setting over the hills behind the bowl; I could see the Hollywood sign perched up behind the venue, looking iconic.  Our seats were perfect, right in the middle of the stadium and absolutely no one around us was annoying or distracting in the slightest.  I had a list of the top four songs I wanted to hear, and they played three of them.  I had a list of the top ten songs I wanted to hear, and they played eight of them.  I had visions of what I thought this show would be like; expectations of how incredible I imagined it would be...and not only did my expectations fall short, they didn't even come close to encompassing the whole scene.

Because, in the end, that's what you really remember about something, isn't it?  It's not the exact order of songs, or the specific temperature outside, or the seat number and row you've got.  I mean, you take those things into account, sure.  But you don't recount the memory to someone, years later, based around individual items like that.  The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  And the whole at this concert was so dreamlike and overwhelmingly perfect that it's extremely difficult to describe.  I can only say that I feel incredibly lucky to have been there; that the memory of this concert is certainly etched into my mind for the rest of my life, and that I am very, very happy.

Set list, Radiohead at the Hollywood Bowl, Sunday 8/24/08

1. 15 Step
2. There There
3. Morning Bell
4. All I Need
5. Pyramid Song
6. Nude
7. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
8. The Gloaming
9. The National Anthem
10. Wolf at the Door
11. Faust Arp
12. Exit Music (for a Film)
13. Jigsaw Falling Into Place
14. Idioteque
15. Climbing Up the Walls
16. Bodysnatchers
17. How to Disappear Completely

Encore:

18. Videotape
19. Paranoid Android
20. Dollars & Cents
21. Street Spirit
22. Reckoner

Encore 2:

23. House of Cards
24. Lucky
25. Everything In Its Right Place

And, if you're wanting a little more, here's a link to a more detailed review of the show.

** Update: another link to a great review, this time with some excellent pictures.

Breaking News:

I'M GOING TO SEE RADIOHEAD TONIGHT!!!!  AAAHHH!!

More about that, as soon as I go and recover from the awesomeness.  Getting to this particular show has been a whole summer in the making, and Radiohead is a band I have been waiting almost 6 years to see. 

Yesssssss!

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 6: Cover Up The Candy!

First of all, Kelli's gone and she's taken with her a little piece of my recap-loving heart.  Secondly, when we get our first shot at Atlas Apartments, it's one of Stella.  And?  Woman looks ROUGH.  I don't know if Stella doesn't understand that those men holding shiny black electronic equipment are CAMERA GUYS, ready to broadcast whatever image she presents all over the world, or if she just can't help looking seriously road hard.  Either way, get that lady a hairbrush, stat!

The designers meet Heidi on the runway to find out their challenge and are faced with an ebullient Chris March (he of the infectious laugh, over-the-top designs, and underdog status from Season 4 of Project Runway), dressed as a Tranny Viking Queen.  With Disco Ball Boobs.  Or Something.  Stella claps her hands and giggles, reverting back into her preferred mindset: happy 3 year-old.  Chris lets the designers know that this challenge is to design a signature look for a drag queen.  He brings out the "ladies" who will serve as models for this challenge, and they all introduce themselves.  Let's see, we have Farrah Moans, Sweetie, Hedda Lettuce, Sharon Needles, Annida Greenkard, and Varla Jean Merman, who is, frankly, terrifying.  One thought I had was that Annida Greenkard's name makes it sound like she's not even from America.  Kidding!  I'm only kidding - Hannah and I have totally kissed and made up.  Hi, Hannah!  Chris encourages the designers to be as "over the top" and theatrical as they want to.  Oh good, because otherwise this challenge was gonna be totally vanilla.

Everyone picks their queen of choice, and when Korto picks Sweetie, saying it's because she likes sugar, Sweetie responds with "better be careful, just might rot your teeth!"  What does that even mean?

Tim meets the designers in the workroom at Parsons and warns them that each queen has a very specific persona, and the designers need to maximize - go big and go crazy.  Then he sends in the queens.  Joe is so incredibly uncomfortable and out of his element on this challenge - a body language expert would have a field day with him. He's leaned away, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, half-grimace on his face - it might be less obvious if he painted a sign saying "YOU MAKE ME FEEL WEIRD" and hung it around his neck.  In interview, Joe reminds us that he has a daughter, and is married, and is NOT GAY, just in case we forgot.  I think he may struggle with this one.

Daniel says he's going "couture" with this challenge.  OH PLEASE, Daniel, the day you show me couture is the day I show you my massive package.  What?  This episode is all about pushing our boundaries!

At Mood, we are treated to our normal fabric-finding frenzy.  Stella gives us yet another of her brilliant, advanced explanations, telling us that the main part of the challenge, for her, is that her model "wants to look like a lady".  Ding ding, Stella!  Congratulations, you officially seem to have understood the concept of cross-dressing.  Kenley's going to do something Old Hollywood - maybe with a 40's vibe!  Shocking!  I hope Kenley's queen gets annoyed with her and smacks her silly.

Joe actually seems to be getting into the challenge, as he prances around wearing his queen's bra (filled to capacity with the largest chicken cutlet inserts I've ever seen).  I think this is a case of stepping SO far outside your comfort zone that you get to a new level and maybe do some awesome work.  Joe, I'm rooting for you!  Stella notes that although Blayne (currently dancing around the workroom with pink fabric draped over his head and tied with string around his neck, using "licious" as the suffix for EVERYTHING) is "cute", he "knows nothing".  Pot, meet kettle.  Dumb, meet dumber.  MethHead, meet Melanoma.  I mean, isn't this Stella/Blayne thing getting old to anyone else?

Jerell's dress, thus far, looks gorgeous.  We get cut to an interview snippet where Jerell tells us that he comes from a lower/middle class family and learned to believe in his dreams; anything he wants is out there for the taking; work hard and you'll achieve greatness; and other such wholesome anecdotes.  Jerell, I already liked you from the surprising and genuine niceness you displayed last week, you don't have to push it.

Suede smoked some of Stella's meth and has a vision where his grandfather appears to him and starts sprinkling seeds all over his dress.  Suede is thrilled and inspired by this development.  I think this is going to go down in Suede's history as a Bad Drug Trip.

Kenley snarks about Keith.  Kenley snarks about Suede.  Kenley snarks about everyone.

The queens come back in for a fitting, only they are dressed in street clothes.  Blayne seems shocked that his queen, Miss Understood, is a BOY, named ALEX.  I mean really, Blayne looks flummoxed.  "He's just a short Mexican dude!" 

Sweetie, Korto's queen, snarks about the dress Kenley is working on ("I'm gagging at the silver sequins across the room").  I love it!  Kenley says that Sweetie isn't so sweet.  Man, I am seriously hoping for a throwdown.  Sweetie would DESTROY Kenley.  Fight, fight!

Suede's queen says, in quick succession, that she feels "barnacle-y", "oh my stars", "I'm a little Godzilla", and then calls Suede lazy for making gloves rather than sleeves.  Suede is annoyed.  Suede has his feelings hurt.  Stella says not to worry - it's not Hedda Lettuce - more like Soggy Lettuce!  Ha!  Stella is thrilled that she made a funny.

Chris March is brought into the workroom with Tim to give the designers some additional guidance.  And here we get Tim's oft-replayed sound-byte: "It looks like a pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park" in reference to Blayne's neon...dress.  I guess it's a dress.  It looks like a Tetris game gone wrong, to me.  Suede cries to Tim and Chris about how nasty Hedda was to him - "can you believe she called me LAZY?"  Tim says that was just mean, and that Suede needs to tell Hedda that he's been to a different rodeo, and "not to 'you-know-what' with ME, sister!"  Tim is so adorable it makes me want to just give him a big squeeze.  Suede looks appropriately consoled.  My brother and his girlfriend, who are co-watching this episode with me want to note that Suede, wearing a striped do-rag, is dressed like a pirate, and that they suspect he is out patrolling for booty.  Zing!

Chris hates Keith's fabric-swatchy outfit.  Tim and Chris also don't like Daniel's "couture" outfit, which is actually pretty plain and boring.  Shocking, I know.  Even more shocking is the fact that Daniel A) doesn't seem to care what Chris and Tim think and B) decides to ignore their advice that his top needs more drama.  Please, Project Runway gods, send Daniel home this week.  I know I've been asking for a Stella/Blayne one-two coup, but I will write nothing but nice things about them both next week if you'll only Auf Daniel! 

Suede and Hedda Lettuce kiss and make up after Hedda delivers a "can we just put this behind us" speech with the strangest, most stilted cadence I've ever heard.  I mean, I thought my dad was a slow-talker, but Hedda puts him to shame.

Stella makes the gracious, egalitarian comment that while Jerell's outfit looks very nice and classy, she feels that it's out of place, because "these broads aren't classy - most of them wear really tacky sh*t on stage".  I guess we should just be glad she isn't re-explaining the challenge to us.  (Th' ting is, they're men, but they wanna look like LADIES!  Can yew buhlieve it?)

Runway time!  And Heidi looks like she forgot eye-makeup today.  All the normal judges are present, and the guest judge this week is none other than RuPaul.  My thoughts are as follows (in pass/fail format):

 

Kenley - normal silver sequinny dress (with a poorly constructed, exposed zipper) and a big feather collar.  I mean, it looks like she went to Dress Barn For Evening, got a cheap silver dress, and the only drag queen thing about it is that she stapled black and white feathers to the collar.  Dumb AND boring.  Fail!

Blayne - his pterodactyl wings are crooked, but otherwise the thing looks PRETTY drag queen-ish.  I'd say it's passable.

Joe - says his inspiration is Ann Margaret on the Love Boat, and it looks like a shiny, pink, super-tight pantsuit with some nautical details that his queen just LOVES.  Pass!

 

Stella - shiny black leatha (maybe pleatha) and plaid.  Looks very 1993 goth-rock drag queen.  I guess it's good that the "drag queen" made it in there, but I'm not sure if that's more of a result of the actual queen modeling the outfit.  I'd say fail, but I bet it gets a pass.

Suede - hard to see anything more than a green blur because the model is literally running and dancing down the runway, but the skirt is really short and otherwise it looks a-okay.  Pass.

Daniel - YOU GOT KELLI KICKED OFF, SO AUTOMATIC FAIL FOR YOU.  It's not over the top, it's not drag queen-esque, and as my brother's girlfriend so aptly put it, it's ugly but expected.  FAIL!

 

Terri - way too much going on, there are ropes and sashes and kimono sleeves that hit the floor, and huge platform boots and a bunch of different colors at the neckline and this looks like something that should be in the next theatrical production of Stella and Suede Take Meth Together.  I can't make head or tails of the outfit, so, in complete confusion, I will issue a pass.

Jerell - Big, fat PASS!  I love it!  The popped collar at the end, as Jerell noted, is quite a treat, and the whole dress looks very well-constructed, expensive, and generally awesome.

Korto - huge, red and poufy, with a removable skirt and curly flames coming up from around the neck.  Drag queen paradise, so PASS!

Keith - his outfit looks like he ran some black and white fabric through a paper shredder, and then taped it to his model.  It looks like it's falling apart as she walks down the runway - if she had to go 15 more feet, the whole thing would be on the floor.  Now if this were drag queen striptease, I'd give a pass, but since it's not, FAIL!

Leanne - very cool skirt.  I didn't care about the rest of the outfit, nor did I pay much attention to the sleeves (black) and the top (also black and with some of the same skirt layering/triangle things).  Anyway, the skirt alone makes it awesome.  PASS.

Heidi wants to see Blayne, Kenley, Suede, Stella, and Leanne - no wait, she doesn't!  They are safe.  Well, that sucks.  Kenley lives to snark another day.  So really we're down to Daniel, Korto, Jerell, Terri and Joe. 

RuPaul loves Terri's confusing conglomeration, and all the other judges do as well.  They compare it to like, six things, which is, I think, an apt description.

Heidi thinks Keith's falling-apart dress looks messy, and he tries to defend himself, saying rock and roll CAN be messy.  RuPaul jumps in with "did a dingo eat your baby too, mate?  You seem to have an awful lot of excuses!"  Zing!  She's totally not feeling his fringe.  Nina doesn't even know what it is.  MK says it's a sad, molting, grey chicken.  Yay, they hate it!  I told you, Keith, it's a total FAIL.  Keith is pissed.

Joe says he wanted to show off his queen's assets and all the judges laugh for much longer than necessary.  RuPaul commends Joe for making a big belt buckle and therefore not showing the "candy" and my brother's girlfriend and I debate whether she said "kitty" or "candy".  Heidi says the queen's body looks amazing, and the queen replies that it's not the first time she's heard that!  Woo hoo, you go, Joe!

MK is surprised that Jerell's dress is from Jerell.  He says it's just normal.  RuPaul says it's too long.  MK says it's a good bar mitzvah moment, and that this would have been the time for Jerell to "go for it", but instead he settled for knee-length normalcy.  Hmm, I totally liked the dress, so I'm not agreeing with the judges here.

Everyone loves Korto's huge red poufy dress, which is no surprise.  It's dramalicious.  Oh yes I did!

Nina says here's Daniel's fantasy moment, and he totally bombed it.  He acts like a huge snob and says that he didn't do sequins because they just aren't high-end, and if he would have gone all gaudy he thinks he might have thrown-up.  RuPaul is NOT pleased by this.  MK says it's totally normal, RuPaul says "helloooo, it's supposed to be DRAG!" and then goes on to explain that these girls need to be able to make the big bucks, because otherwise they'll end up out in Harlem, selling hormones to make their rent money.  Daniel is annoyed.  He is SO ABOVE PROJECT RUNWAY, don't we know?  I mean, he's TOTALLY OVER US.

The judges discuss their thoughts, and although Heidi skipped out on eye-makeup, she DEFINITELY didn't forget the blush.  Oh, and they definitely said "candy" when referring to Joe's queen's hoo-hah getting covered up.  Good to know.  The judges are sounding very tired of Daniel and his high-end airs, and it seems like they might kick him off.  DO IT!  AVENGE KELLI!

Everyone is brought back out, and I'm trying to telepathically influence the judges.  NO MORE DANIEL!

Winner:  Joe!  Straight Joe wins the drag queen competition!  He covered up the candy!  Alright, Joe!

Loser:  Daniel!  OH YEAH, BABY!  The only thing the judges could do right now that would make me any happier is if they brought Kelli back and apologized.  Daniel gives a half-hearted "it was really hard to hear that" and appears not to care much.  Well, he works up some tears near the end, but I am totally unmoved.  Go be "high-end" somewhere else, and may you take this as a lesson:  DON'T MESS WITH KELLI.

Now, you tell me: I know I promised up there that if the Project Runway gods would Auf Daniel, I would be nothing but nice to Stella and Blayne next week.  But, as so often happens, now that I have what I wanted, I kind of don't want to hold up my end of the bargain.  So what say you?  Do I need to keep my promise, or should my forced niceties be Auf'ed along with Danny boy?

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 5: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

I'll admit, I'm a teensy bit gun-shy about spending the (substantial) time to write this week's recap, knowing that I may just get taken to task about insignificant details or, better yet, get accused of being racist again.  Hello comment trolls, and welcome to my site!  You're making things SO much more pleasant.

But!  As this IS Project Runway (a.k.a. Show O' The Gunn) we're recapping, I will attempt to both carry on AND make it work.  As such:

We open up on scenes at Atlas Apartments again, except this time we're in...the weight room?  Weird.  But not as weird as working out in A) belted cargo shorts (Keith) or B) plaid dress pants (No-Sports Daniel).  We also get our obligatory Blayne-byte: "It's dramalicious".  I am SO OVER Blayne.

Heidi meets the designers on the runway in a metallic kimono-inspired mini-dress with a deep v-neck.  Now this is more like it, Klum!  Korto gets the choice to keep or lose her model, and of course keeps her.  Heidi changes things up a bit by not sending the designers off to find Tim and instead tells them that their challenge will be to design for a high-powered and glamorous professional woman.  Oh, and also, they need to go off and find Tim.

Back at Parsons, the designers speculate amongst themselves as to who this high-powered professional woman will be.  Various guesses are made, with Stella, who I am, if it is possible, EVEN MORE OVER THAN BLAYNE, hoping for Sharon Osborne because she is the "queen of rock".  For once, Stella, I agree with you - having Sharon Osborne on the show would be kind of awesome.  Can't you just imagine Sharon's high-pitched, whiny voice ripping all the crappy designs to shreds on the runway?  She'd be a fun judge.  Anyway, the high-powered woman turns out to be Brooke Shields, and Suede is grossly excited about this, giving us a disturbing reenactment of her old Calvin Klein ads.  Yuck.  Suede?  I'm over you, as well. 

Brooke tells the designers that they will be creating a signature look for her character in the show Lipstick Jungle, who is a high-powered executive with a musician husband and two kids.  As an aside, I have never seen the show Lipstick Jungle, but I did read the book and I mostly hated it.  It was just SO outside the realm of any normal person's life, and I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to relate with the characters.  Also, all the women in the book are like, encouraged to be blood-thirsty and cut-throat and to focus on money and power and actually?  I more than mostly hated the book.  Maybe the tv show is better?  Anyway, Tim hands the designers a dossier of "Wendy" (Brooke's character) and her outfits from season one and Brooke tells them that she needs to have an outfit that can go from day to night (i.e. from the boardroom to a glamorous evening event. you know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE, RIGHT? totally relateable).  Also, the winner of this challenge will have their outfit worn by Brooke on Lipstick Jungle.  So it's not just for pretend.  Then, Tim drops the bombshell:  the designers will be working in teams of two.  Everyone kind of smirks uncomfortably, all immediately praying that they don't end up with Stella. 

The designers are given 30 minutes to sketch and then will present their ideas to Brooke, who will in turn choose 6 designers to be the "team leaders" and do their idea.  Kenley is worried because she doesn't know if we've noticed, but some of the designers "don't really know what they're doing". 

Everyone presents their ideas to Brooke and she is, in turn: scared (of Blayne), brown-nosed (by Keith), confused (by Stella), excited (by Korto) and sung to (by Jerell).  Brooke picks: Keith (I guess flattery DOES get you everywhere!), Korto, Jerell, Kelli, Terri, and Blayne (AGGHH, PRODUCERS, STOP FORCING BLAYNE ON EVERYONE!)  Tim pulls out the dreaded velvet button bag, and gives each team leader, in turn, the chance to pick his partner.  The teams are as follows:

• Blayne and Leanne (she is NOT excited about the pairing)
• Keith and Kenley (Keith hopes to convince her to "shut her mouth and get to sewing". Sounds like a promising partnership)
• Terri and Suede (Suede kisses her)
• Korto and Joe (man, they make Joe look boring)
• Kelli and Daniel (Kelli has to pick between Daniel and Stella, and cringes but picks Daniel. OF COURSE SHE DID!  Who, in their right mind, would actually choose Stella?)
• Jerell and Stella (he's stuck with her, but is nice and says that he'll be working with leather so she can use her "skill set". Also, he calls her "Stella Barbarella")

Each team is given $150 and until midnight that night to complete their design.  Everyone heads to Mood for fabric and does their Mood thing.  Keith complains about Kenley the whole time.  Why did he choose her, anyway?  Back at Parsons, Jerell is being really nice to Stella.  I kind of like him more all of a sudden.  Kenley snipes about Keith to Daniel.  Boy, she's pleasant.  Suede and Terri have some kind of a crazy interaction where Terri speculates which Suede is packing: balls or a vajayjay.  Also, she says she "ain't got no babies", and, as such, "ain't nobody sucking on (her) titty".  Classy!  She then suggests that Suede "man up".  Suede looks like he might cry.

Kelli tells us she basically raised herself because she had absentee parents, and she hopes to win this challenge so her grandmother, who always kept her in line, could flip on the tv and see Kelli's work on Lipstick Jungle.  Blayne says he's from Yakima, Washington, which he describes as a tiny town where he stuck out like a sore thumb, and instead of making the intelligent joke about where Blayne WOULDN'T stick out like a sore thumb, I instead am focusing on the prefix "yak" in his hometown's name.  Blayne makes ME yak!  Ha!  I told you it was immature.

Kenley is acting like a b to the iatch.  Maybe "acting" is not the right term.

The models are sent in for first fittings, and everything seems to be going as planned until we see Kelli and Daniel's skirt.  They are crouched around the model, pulling and twisting and saying things like "it's not straight", "it's super crooked", "it's not ruched over here", and "DANIEL YOU SCREWED UP THE SKIRT, I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY TATTOOED ARMS OF AWESOMENESS".  Well, maybe not that last thing, but Daniel DID screw up the skirt. And Kelli DOES use the word "squabbly" to describe Daniel's zipper construction.  Kelli says the skirt is horrid, a total disaster, and wants to cut something new.  I think what she wants to cut is Daniel.  Daniel rips the skirt apart to start over and seems to be basically a good sport about things.  Except for saying he doesn't care.  I have heard others speculate that Daniel seems less than enthused about being on the show now that his boy, Wesley, is gone, and if this rumor has ANY truth to it, Kelli would have been better off choosing Stella the Freakshow as a partner.  There's nothing worse than working with someone who just doesn't give a rip.

Terri and Suede are still fighting.  Terri is the evil genius boss to Suede's meek, incompetent worker ant.  Suede didn't feel comfortable making the shirt, and Terri said MAKE IT ANYWAY, AND QUIT YER CRYING!  And so Suede made it.  And now the shirt looks terrible, and he goes to show Terri, and she says IT'S AWFUL!  FIX IT, YOU RIDICULOUS, UN-TALENTED CHILD!  Suede is having like, a panic attack a minute.

With two hours left in the workday, Tim comes in to make sure no one has completely lost it, and, at his second stop, tells Jerell and Stella that he loves their outfit, and that it looks like a true collaboration.  Jerell puts his arm around Stella and says that it was.  He's so nice!  I totally like him now.  Jerell is the popular high-school senior to Stella's reject freshman; he's helping Stella so that she can walk into school without being shoved in the locker and called a freak every day. 

Tim takes a gander at Team Kelli/Daniel and pronounces himself "dubious".  They look dubious as well, as they feebly try and explain how the outfit is transitional - their best attempt is "maybe she could wear this as a belt...or something".  Tim tells them to "hold it off", whatever that means.  Team Terri/Suede, with Suede still looking on the verge of tears, gets a desperately-needed lift in spirits when Tim dubs their look "not tragic" and says the neckline of the much-maligned blouse is fabulous.  Terri gives Tim a hug, and, after a side-long glare to Suede, he jumps at her command and leans in for the triple-hug.  I swear, he's like, TERRIFIED of her.  Get it?  Terri-fied!  I am ON today!

Tim tells Team Korto/Joe that their blouse looks like a big sweet potato.  Korto and Joe get into a flight on the spot.  Korto starts imagining Joe crossing the street just as a bus is coming.  Yowza!

Runway day, and the designers head back to Parsons to finish their stuff.  Kelli speculates that Daniel might be half-assing, because he still hasn't finished Skirt B and she's already finished a lined jacket and top.  Kenley talks nasty about Daniel, saying that he's always on about how elegant his style is but SHE'S never seen it from him.  I thought those two were friends!  I'm telling you, Kenley is Not A Nice Girl.  Blayne is actually behaving like a human this episode, and his design doesn't even seem that bad.  I'm starting to...gasp...get a TINY bit of respect for him.  I don't know if that's a sad commentary on this season's talent-pool, or if it's because he's actually a decent designer.  In a world where I could actually like Blayne, I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE.

Jerell says that when he looks over at Team Kelli/Daniel, his assessment is "nuh-uh".  It does look a little....overdone.  Tim comes in and says they have 5 minutes til the show, and "are some of you still sewing? Question mark?"  I like the idea of speaking your punctuation.  It's a good tactic.

And, finally, it's time for the runway show.  We've got Heidi (in a shiny, sleeveless pink blouse and skintight black pencil skirt), Michael Kors, Nina, and (of course) Brooke Shields as the guest judge.  My thoughts are as follows:

Team Korto/Joe: Nice, I like the color, the jacket doesn't look as big and poufy as before, and the dress underneath, although it isn't perfectly fitted (actually it has a really bad fit - yikes), is super cute.  It's a good transitional outfit

Team Kelli/Daniel - it doesn't look too bad - the shirt underneath the jacket is kind of short, but otherwise it looks kind of whatever

Team Jerell/Stella - great outfit, but it's not actually transitional - I mean, it's just a blouse, a big belt, and a skirt - it doesn't change anything from day to night

Team Keith/Kenley - I hate this outfit SO much.  The skirt is horrendous - brown feathery layered nonsense that would not flatter anyone, and the blouse is made out of what looks like neon tie-dye.  The "transitional" appeal is that the sleeves on the tie-dye blouse have strings to untie and you see more shoulder.  HATE.

Team Terri/Suede - again, there's no transitional appeal to the outfit (it just stays the same) and it looks like the blouse is cinched at the waist with a canvas utility belt, but it's a really cute blouse that can go on or off-shoulder and the pants are great and look well-made

Team Blayne/Leanne - Ugh, the bermuda shorts are tapered by the knee with a thick cuff.  That is NOT flattering.  And the top looks kind of droopy and gives the model saggy boob.  The best thing about the outfit is the pearl necklace the model's wearing, and unless Blayne sewed that, I think he's in trouble

Heidi wants to see Jerell/Stella, Kelli/Daniel, Keith/Kenley, and Blayne/Leanne.  Meaning Terri/Suede and Korto/Joe are safe. 

Jerell/Stella - Brooke likes it, except for the belt, Heidi likes the belt and says when it came out she was like "boom".  MK says it's flirty, feminine, sexy without being cheap, and chic.  Nina says it's well-made, and that is high-praise coming from Perfectionist Nina.

Kelli/Daniel - Brooke says the shape is the truly unfortunate part.  Wait, what?  She says it looks cheap.  MK says "slutty, slutty, slutty".  Nina says it's a question of taste - and you can't get taste if you don't already have it.  That doesn't sound like a question to me!  Kelli says maybe she should have edited herself more, and MK says Daniel should have said something.  Does that mean they assume Kelli is tasteless and Daniel has to monitor her?  This is all seeming quite rude towards poor Kelli.  Heidi asks: if one of them had to go home, which one should it be and why?  Kelli, of course, says Daniel should go home and he looks super-offended.  Daniel counters by saying he has impeccable, high-end taste, and Horrible B Kenley starts laughing and can't stop.

Keith/Kenley - Brooke likes it and says her character could wear this.  Nina says it may not be "day" enough but it's impeccable.  MK says that their teamwork is really great.

Blayne/Leanne - Brooke says she was scared, and it was for good reason.  The outfit is too casual and not sophisticated enough.  Nina says Blayne didn't listen to what the challenge was.  Heidi says the model looks like a woman who didn't have a mirror, and just grabbed things and put it all on in the dark.  Nina tells Leanne that she is surprised she would let something so "...enhh" go down the runway.  Blayne defends himself by saying "don't you know I'm crazy?", and MK calls him out by saying the pieces weren't special-crazy, but just boring.  They are asked the "who should go home" question, and Blayne says since he was the leader and it was his idea he should.  Leanne agrees.

The judges confer, and they all love Jerell/Stella.  Keith/Kenley's outfit gets dubbed "sophisticated and appropriate for the character".  Ugh, I guess "Wendy" wears really repulsive clothing on the show, then.  Kell/Daniel get hated on some more for being cheap and tasteless.  Nina says, again, that she questions both their taste levels, but especially Kelli's.  Nina!  Why all the hate?  Do you not like tatted-up girls?  Heidi tries to be a voice of reason by reminding everyone that Daniel didn't bring much to this, or ANY, challenge this season.  That's something I can agree with.  Blayne/Leanne are last on the chopping block and Nina seems convinced that Blayne just doesn't listen to or follow directions.  He is deemed "bratty".  And MK says Leanne lost her voice and confidence on this challenge.  At any rate, the decision has been made and the results are as follows:

Winner:  Keith.  What can I say?  I hate Kenley, I hated their design, and I totally disagree with the judges.  Jerell and Stella's design was much better, as was Terri and Suede's.

Loser:  Kelli.  OH MY GOSH.  Now I really DON'T have anything to say.  I mean, seriously?  Kelli goes home while Blayne, Stella, AND Daniel all get to stay?  Kelli, as she noted, has never even been in the bottom on a challenge, and she won the first day, right out of the gate.  She is pissed, AS SHE SHOULD BE, saying that she'll go home and make "classy clothes" on her own time.

I am crushed.  Kelli was my favorite, and although, I suppose, she didn't always make the MOST high-end garments, I just can't get around the fact that the supposed "reason" Kelli was sent home was for "poor taste" and yet Stella still remains on the show, able and willing to stitch up another leatha Hot Topic-worthy monstrosity next week.  SERIOUSLY, YOU KICKED KELLI OFF FOR BEING TASTELESS AND STELLA THE METH ADDICT IS STILL ON THE SHOW, MAKING CROPPED PLEATHER HALTER-TOPS AND CORSET-LACED CROTCH PANTS. 

That is all.

The Weirder The Better

Earlier this week I was sitting on a rainbow rug on the floor of an elementary classroom, pinning pieces of fabric together to make curtains.  Not because I have suddenly decided on a career change (what a disaster of a teacher I would make - I can see it now: "WHY don't you understand what I'm demonstrating?  Are you STUPID?") but because one of my best friends has.  And she is going through the somewhat monumental task of getting her room ready for school.  There's an awful lot that goes in to that process, and most of it has to do with things like "sensory stimulation" and "appropriate learning patterns" i.e., "things Elise knows nothing about".  But SOME of it has to do with sewing and hanging curtains, and I can do that just fine.

Anyway, as I was pinning away, another friend of my friend came up to the school to see the room in progress, and we all started chatting.  Okay, I can probably get away with this example, since I've been blogging about Project Runway this season and a decent percentage of you have seen the show - you know how when the designers are in the design room for the main part of their workday, the camera always grabs all these great little sound bytes?  Meaning, all the designers are sitting there, sewing and panicking about time-restraints and still have the time for snarky commentary about one another and funny dialog.  And to the uninitiated, this might seem weird, like wow, they have something ridiculous like 8 hours to make an entire three-piece suit, and yet they have somehow found the leisure time to do sarcastic impressions of one other...I smell creative editing.  But no!  I am here to tell you, it's not only possible, but actually very accurate that even in the midst of a sewing time-crunch, you still have ample opportunities for conversation.  And it's better conversation that normal - much like if you were stuck in an elevator with someone for 5 hours straight - you have to get pretty creative to keep things rolling.  It's because sewing utilizes one part of your brain, and it's not the same part that is used for communication.  So what you end up with is the type of dialog that you normally only find when hanging out with your friends for long, uninterrupted stretches of time.  Interesting, huh?

Anyway!  I was sewing, and I asked my friend how she and her friend met, and they told me that they met while student teaching at the same school.  Okay, so that's the basic answer, right?  That's the small-talk answer.  But then, as good conversations often do, things got a little more in-depth.  We started discussing HOW they actually became friends, as there were lots of people student teaching at that school, and how come THEY connected with each other, rather than with someone else.  This is always fascinating to me, how people come to be friends with one another, and as the conversation progressed, we began telling stories of how we met our good friends; specifically about the MOMENT in which we knew we would totally be able to be friends - that moment where you see something in a fellow human and you're like "I totally get that".

The "small-talk" answer to how me and my new-teacher friend connected is "she shopped in my store, and we ended up finding out our husbands went to school together when we saw each other at their 10-year reunion".  But that's totally NOT how we actually BECAME friends, that's just a physical description of the circumstances that allowed us to meet.  The reason we BECAME friends is because one day, while she was just a customer shopping in my store, I complimented her on something - her hair, probably (she's got some seriously awesome, wild hair) - and she laughed, telling me, quite bluntly, that she had gotten in pretty late the night before, and was proudly sporting last night's hair AND makeup.  I knew, right that minute, that this was the type of poorly-hygiened girl I could be friends with.
And for her, that moment was when Cody and I saw her and her husband out after the aforementioned reunion, and a catty, inebriated girl said something rude to her.  I caught the tail end of the interaction, asked what had happened, and when I heard the story repeated, and had the rude girl in question pointed out to me (as she was ascending a set of stairs) I said "Oh HER?  I wouldn't worry about her - I saw her panties on the stairs and they are (earmuffs, guys) ugly period panties. Who wears panties like that if you're wearing a short dress and going up and down stairs?"  She knew right then that my judgey-undergarment ways would be a perfect friendship fit.

I connected with another one of my best friends when, only a short while after we had been introduced, we realized we had something major in common.  We both saw a crooked shelf and tried, valiantly, to continue our conversation and NOT fixate on the Horrible Crookedness of the shelf, but then, almost simultaneously, rushed over to fix the shelf, apologizing to one another and saying "it just drives me insane!"  "No, I know - it drives ME insane, too!"  "Oh my gosh, can you not stand for things to be even a tiny bit off"?  "No!  It makes my head go crazy!"  "Oh. My. Gosh."  And with that, a deep and abiding love was born, compliments of OCD.

And, back to the classroom where we were making curtains, my friend's friend (we'll call her M, for the sake of the story) told us one of the best stories I have ever heard about meeting a fellow soul-mate.  M was starting her teacher certification classes, and, as she entered her very first class of the whole program and sat down, started to feel nauseous.  She hoped, as many of us do, that the nausea would pass, and settled in to bravely try and tough it out.  As the class began, a girl came in and sat right beside her, giving M yet another reason to worry about whether or not her nausea was going to cause any...noticeable problems, and after about 10 minutes, M said she got that unmistakable "I'm gonna puke" feeling.  You know, your mouth starts watering, you get all clammy - it's not good.  So she leaned over to the girl next to her, and asked if she had any idea where the bathrooms were.  The girl said no, sorry, she didn't...and as she started to offer another suggestion, the moment was upon M and she had to jump up and run out of the classroom. Not knowing where the bathrooms were, M, in desperation, spotted a trash can about 10 feet down the hall from her classroom.  She sprinted to the trash can and threw up for about three full minutes into it.  And, as if to add insult to injury, it wasn't even a full-sized trash can.  It was a little guy, so M was actually on her knees in the hallway, holding this tiny trash can and puking her guts out, definitely in listening-range of her brand new classmates.  As she returned, humiliated, to the classroom and sat down at her desk, the girl next to her leaned over, said "I'm so sorry....do you want a piece of gum?"  And M knew they would be friends forever.

I've got a story like that (although none quite THAT great) about almost every friend I have.  Tell me your favorite "I just knew" moments.  Don't you find it fascinating?

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 4: Are There Really Still This Many Designers Left?

I'm trying a new recap method here today.  See?  Nothing but excitement, excitement, excitement around these parts.  It's a mile a minute, I tell ya.  Anyway, I am going to live-recap (well, sort of - it's Friday but I'm writing as I watch it for the first time) Project Runway this episode, mainly because I think we all agree, at this point that A) there are so many designers this season that it's STILL hard to get a real idea of what any of then can do and B) almost all of the designers this season are....not that great.

We open, as usual, on the Atlas aptartments, where Korto, in one breath, laments losing "her Emily" and also says "oh well, it's a competition, someone's gotta go!".  Then she says something about needing to put her foot into the next challenge.  I take this to mean she feels that she needs to step it up.  I'm unfamiliar with "putting your foot into" things.  There's Kenley,  Hi, Kenley, you never should have won the immunity you're gloating about.

Yowza, Heidi's "meet-the-designers-on-the-runway" outfit is NOT GOOD.  It looks to be leather (Stella is convulsing in pleasure) leggings and a grey, sheer, unflattering blouse worn untucked over a black bra.  Ugh.  This, even on Ms. Klum, manages to look both trashy and sloppy at the same time.  Bad form, Heidi.  It's time for the model swap, but Kenley is smart enough to realize that her win should be attributed 60% to her model, 30% to the judges rampant crack smoking throughout the last episode, and 10% to Kenley's talent.  She sticks with her gorgeous model, sending the other girl home.  Bye!

Heidi sends the designers to meet Tim for another field trip.  Jerell doesn't know where they're going, but he sure hopes it has nothing to do with female wrestlers.  You and me both, Jerell!  We get a brief glimpse of Joe, the talented-yet-ignored straight dude, and I'm hoping that this episode features him a little more.  Because, lest I remind you, I have already predicted the top three:  Terri, Joe, and (I hope) Kelli (but might be Korto).  Tim and Blayne engage in a tanning conversation, with the ever-so-well-spoken Tim inquiring as to how often Blayne "has" to go tanning.  Blayne tries to look sultry as he tucks a piece of fried hair behind one ear and says he'd preferably go every other day.  Tim opines that it seems like an awful lot of time spent...tanning, and Blayne explains it by saying "you know, some people go to the gym...I tan."  Yeah Blayne, it's apples and apples.

The designers and Tim (who have all been riding in a van together) reach their destination: The Amory Track and Field Center.  Snoozie Snoozefest (Jennifer) says, in monotone, that she's worried because it seems like a "different" sort of challenge.  Suede says the center is "ginormous".  Ugh.  I hate that word, but the place IS huge.  Some dude speed skating around the track on rollerblades comes up to the designers and it's Apolo Ohno, who apparently is an Olympic speed skater for the USA.  Even though the name "Apolo Ohno" doesn't sound American, at all.  He sounds American though, and as he talks to the designers, we're treated to little sound-bytes from several of them pretending to know who Apolo is and gushing about how much they love him.  Umm, I doubt it.  Also: is Stella wearing makeup today?  She looks surprisingly fresh-faced, and that thought is confirmed even more so when they cut to her interview film and she's all eyelinered up.  Wow Stella, you almost look...dare I say....pretty, without all your Aging Rockstar makeup.

Apolo explains that the challenge for the week is to create a new, exciting outfit for the US Olympic athletes to wear during the Opening Ceremonies for the Summer Games (which, btw, are tonight! see, that's why I waited until Friday to write this - all in the plan).  Daniel is mad about having to design for the Olympics.  Because he doesn't even WATCH that kind of stuff.  He's rolling his eyes and making fun of the whole endeavor.  Yeah, that might work for a lot of things, Daniel, but this is the OLYMPICS.  I mean, it's kind of a big deal.  As if to prove this point further, Apolo goes on to explain that the Opening Ceremonies are kind of like the catwalk for the athletes, and that the whole ceremony means a great deal to him, and to America.  Now who's rude with all the eye rolling, DANIEL??  Luckily Blayne sees the importance of the challenge, as he tells us "heck yeah, I'll be going for the gold!". 

Joe is super excited about the challenge.  He's watched the Olympics every year, and he is really just happy to make something having to do with sports.  Stella wants to do "gladiator cavewoman".  Sounds promising, Stella.  NOT.

Yes, I did just drop a "NOT" in here.  So what?

Daniel continues to scoff at the challenge, saying he's just "not into" this type of thing.  The designers wander through a museum attached to The Amory to get inspired for their Olympic outfits, and then it's off to Mood for fabric.  Stella, in a move that will shock the world, is using black, and Tim does one of the funniest things I've ever seen him do - luckily for me, it will translate much better in writing; I'm honestly impressed he could do it so easily with the spoken word.  Just goes to show, once again, his superior grasp on the English language:

Tim: You're using black??

Stella: Why, is it bad?

Tim: I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just...inquiring.  You're using black? (inflection ONLY at the very end, after he's already stated it as a non-judgmental observation only.  Good Lord, what I wouldn't give for this man's word skills)

With 5 minutes left at Mood, Keith steals Terri's fabric, and she is NOT happy.  I feel ya, Terri.  I'd be mad too.  She says "no you DIH-ENT", and Keith kind of lamely defends himself.  I wonder if this will become an issue, but I doubt it because Terri is like one billion times better than Keith and she can beat him regardless of fabric choices.

Back at Parson's, Joe is still super pumped about this challenge.  They have 9 hours to work today, and the winner of the challenge gets immunity.  Stella is kind enough to completely re-explain the challenge to us, like she's explaining it to a 4 year-old.  She is emphasizing key words like "America" and "Olympic Games" and says it's "serious business", all with an appropriately serious look on her face.  It's no joke, she adds.  I honestly think she hears information, assimilates it in her brain, and then repeats it back to HERSELF this way.  So thanks for that little, terrifying glimpse into the inner-workings of your Aging Rocker brain, Stella.

Everyone talks about whether they've played sports or not, and we have a regular athletic conference in the sewing room!  Between Stella, Leanne, Joe, and Daniel we have modern dance, cheerleading, football (until 9th grade only) and Putt-Putt represented. 

Joe's decided to make a skort, and I am wondering if it will catch the revile of all the judges.  Daniel is doing a cocktail look from the 40's.  I know he said he's totally not into sports, but he does realize what the Olympics IS, right?  I mean, it's not a cocktail competition; that's one thing it's not. 

Blayne: "I am an Olympian of tanning, I like to tan, I am going to shrivel up if I don't get to tan soon, blah blah".

Terri, who we've all agreed is AWESOME, makes pants, a vest, a shirt, AND a matching jacket.  Leanne thinks Terri might have a sweatshop under her table, such is her shock at how many pieces Terri just "churned out".  No, Leanne, Terri's just actually good.  You wouldn't understand.

Suzy Snooze wonders if she should go the tracksuit route (yes) or stick with her own style (no).  She opts to stick with her own style.  Brilliant.

Stella is asked why she is doing all black, and she says because it's the space-age.  Hmm.  Then she says she knew black would be a risk, and I ignore whatever she says next because I know that she knows that she's allowed to take risks after her Skanktastic Atrocity of last week wasn't even called into question.  She's clearly on the show for entertainment value only, and, as such, will continue to make whatever she wants with no regard for normal-person aesthetics or wearability.

I know it has been mentioned, but seriously, Leanne and SnoozeGirl look almost exactly the same.  Was that on purpose, Bravo?  I almost can't tell them apart; it's like being friends with identical twins - you end up telling them apart by picking the one who is slightly prettier and remembering her.  So, in keeping with this rule, Snoozie, you're out again.

Oh look, Keith was an athlete.  He did competitive gymnastics from a very young age.  Do you ever wonder if these people just make things up on the spot and then when all their friends and family watch the show when it comes out, they are like, "Wha? You went to the LittleGym for like, a week, Keith.  Since when is that 'competitive gymnastics'?"

Apparently Kenley laughs a lot, and all the designers are finding it annoying.  You know what I find annoying?  When someone makes a truly ugly outfit and then, somehow, they win the challenge anyway.  Jerell wants someone to get Kenley a muzzle.  I just want someone to get her some design talent.  Wait, am I bitter?

Korto tells us about where she came from (Liberia), how she came to America (they were exiled), and how no one in her family has let her give up on her design dream.  I'm glad, because Korto is one of the only designers this season who is actually decent.

Tim comes in for his challenge checkup.  Joe shows Tim the skort, and Tim likes it (and Joe's multi-colored zipper, according to Tim, has "wit").  Whew!  Tim goes to see Blayne and tells him that his jacket is looking at little Sgt. Pepper.  Blayne apparently has no idea about The Beatles, any of their songs, or when they were popular, guessing that the Beatles era was "the 30's".  Tim is appalled.  I am whatever.  Blayne is a half-baked little gnome with straw for hair and round plastic balls for eyes.  I would be more embarrassed if he liked all the music I enjoy.  Daniel's cocktail dress looks like a flight attendant uniform, and he is worried that it looks like Superman.  One thing is for sure, no one is thinking it looks Olympic.  Jarell's dress is crazy.  Snooze's dress appears matronly, to Tim.  Or wait, did he say it seems "junior"?  Either way, it looks dumb, and she needs to ramp it up.

Joe's sound-byte about "there's too much drama because there are too many queens around" comes into play because Daniel has re-threaded and stolen Joe's sewing machine. Daniel defends himself, but I dunno if I buy it.  When I was in fashion design school, we all had "our" machines just like you have "your lunch table" in high school.  I would have definitely wondered about it if I would have come into class and seen someone else using "my" machine.  Come on, Daniel, surely you know these unspoken rules...or is there too much "sport" to it?

It's runway day, and the designers wake up back at Atlas.  Stella looks sick.  I mean, really, she looks like I look when I'm trying not to puke.  Oh and look!  We get another Stella-pretation - she explains to the camera what "immunity" means.  "It means you have the chance to f*%$ up and NOT get fired," Stella says, speaking very slowly and deliberately.  Oh, so THAT'S why people want it! 

Back at Parson's, the designers have 3 hours to finish.  Hey, I think Kelli has tattoo sleeves on BOTH arms.  She is pretty hardcore, but still so blonde and sweet-looking.  I like your style, girlie.  Jerell has made an insane polka-dotted, stripey outfit WITH a floppy hat.  If the Olympics were moved to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, then I guess this might be a competitive outfit.  Otherwise, NO.

Stella tells her model to "go to my girl over there - she does your hair the way I like it".  Like the TRESemme Salon is some little divey hair shop Stella discovered and has exclusive access to.  But I honestly believe Stella thinks this is the case.  The woman lives in her own little world.

Runway show!  Heidi, Michael, and Nina are there as always.  Apolo is the guest judge.  Also, I think Heidi has become subconsciously influenced by Stella's near-constant leatha-speak, because although she looks pretty, Heidi is wearing like, a chic-biker look today.  Black leather mini-skirt and a black embellished top, with lots of studs and little spikes.  Heidi, you need to find a way to block the Stella brain-waves, ASAP.

 

Korto - nice, with a cute vest that might be a little shapeless, but I could see athletes in this

Suede - love it, want the skirt - but would all the athletes really wear this?

Kelli - she says it may not be 110% relevant to the Olympics - I say it's not AT ALL relevant, other than being red, white and blue, but it's cute anyway.  Very vintagey.  No way they would wear it

Joe - totally cute, but what happened to the skort?  It's all long in the front...however, this is definitely something I could see being worn at the Olympics

Leanne - ooh, this is SO cute.  I want the shorts, and I would like the top as well, maybe with a little less red and blue pluming.  Umm, okay so I take back my jab from earlier, Leanne.  Well done

Daniel - looks like a cartoon flight attendant. No way would any Olympian wear this. Ever.

Jerell - insane, crazy, polka-dotted mess, worn over leggings although there is no need for them.  And the floppy hat puts it over the top. NO.

Stella - again, it's just awful.  It has like, a hole cut out near the bellybutton so we can see that body part, and the black pants are capri-length, and the top has these weird cap-sleeves that are trimmed with red and silver - it's just terrible and the look on Nina's face says "I hate this, but am not allowed to kick you off, so I will fix you with a steely gaze and hope that my eyes say what my judging cannot."  I'm with you, Nina.

Keith - no, no, no.  Puffy bubble skirt that is way too short and NO one would wear this at the Opening Ceremonies, not even to watch from home

Terri - awesome.  I love it, it looks great, and it is definitely wearable for the event

McSnooze - just.awful.  It looks poorly made, I have no idea what the shirt under the little bolero is made of but it looks like old, faded cotton, and it looks completely uninspired and un-American

Blayne - hmm, it's actually okay, I guess.  The band at the bottom of the top makes it look sporty, and if they were forced, I could see athletes wearing this - especially if the pants weren't skinny-leg

Kenley - again, has she ever seen the Olympics at all?  This is a tight, high-waisted pencil skirt with a boatnecked blouse tucked in.  This would look good on 1% of the population, and of that 1%, 95% are sticking their fingers down their throats to puke up the carrot sticks they had for lunch.  No one with even a single curve or muscle would look good in this

Suede, Kelli, Leanne, Stella, Keith, Blayne and Kenley are all safe.  Yeah, so that's why Stella will take risks.  She's untouchable.  Next week she should just send a garbage bag down the runway, tied at the waist with some left over muslin.  Oh wait, SHE'S ALREADY DONE THAT. 

This leaves:

Terri - judges like, MK says "hurrah" for American sportswear, Nina says the team would look very sharp and well-dressed

Snooze - judges hate, they don't see Olympic or America, Apolo says it wouldn't make anyone feel confident, Nina says Snooze can't separate herself from the challenge, and the model looks silly

Joe - judges like, Heidi loves the multi-colored zipper as well, and Apolo waxes almost inappropriately about what amazing bodies Olympic athletes have and how this would show it all off.  MK notes that the skort got kind of messed up, but overall says it's "smart"

Daniel - no one likes it, because it's awful.  Also, it's purple.  Nina says it has no relevance with the challenge, and Heidi gives Daniel a VERY condescending colorblindness test to see why he thinks his dress is blue, MK says the color is the least of his problems; model looks like she's from the Republic of Cocktail Land

Korto - everyone likes, because it looks chic and crisp, and modern.  Nina says team would be super chic, and Heidi says America would be proud

Jerell - it's insane!  What else can you say?  Nina is puzzled, says it looks like Mary Had a Little Lamb, MK gets the giggles, and says it's totally uncomfortable.  Heidi says Jerell has great "idears", but this is just crazy

Judges confer, and come up with their decision.  They love Korto and Terri equally, it seems, and Joe did a very good job interpreting athletic.  Jerell gets a pass because it was crazy enough to be interesting, and Daniel annoys the judges by going so far away from what the challenge should have been.  Snoozie bores the judges completely.  As per usual.

Winner:  Korto!  Heidi still can't say her name correctly, but Korto doesn't let that cramp her style as she goes offstage squealing about how happy she is and tells the camera "it's about freakin' time".

Loser:  SnoozeGirl, ska Jennifer.  She talks AGAIN about her style, and her surrealism, and everyone is so over it.  Goodbye, and may you have a long and prosperous career working as a helpful aide at a Sleep Disorders Clinic.

Reckoner

Project Runway recap is in the works...just wanted to get this one out there while it was on my mind

That title is only loosely related to anything in this post, and that's only if you get pretty creative with your association.  But I couldn't help myself, as "Reckoner" is currently my favorite song by Radiohead, and I am GOING TO SEE RADIOHEAD LIVE IN LESS THAN 20 DAYS.

Yeah, that's right.  Excited doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about that.  But anyway, I'm not writing about Radiohead, not today anyway.

I am writing about my broken ovaries.  Ha!  I just pictured whatever male readership I've got going "oh great, ugh" and clicking the back button rapidly to erase that sentence from their minds.  So, guys, once you've clicked yourself away from here, I'll continue.  Or stick around, I'm totally okay with it.  I mean, I'm not gonna get grossly detailed or anything; this is much more about what my ovaries AREN'T doing rather than what they are.

Namely, my ovaries are not trying, in any way, to entice me into having kids.  And I am seriously beginning to think they are broken. 

Before you try to convince me of my relative youth (27) and how I've got plenty of time to have kids, let me politely interrupt to say I KNOW.  I don't feel old, I'm not worried about all my eggs drying up, and I am not concerned about making sure that I'm young when my kids are young, etc.  So that's not the issue at all.  My concern stems much more from the concepts of "ovaries speaking" and "baby fever" and "biological clock ticking".  Because dudes, I seriously think either my ovaries, biological clock, or both are broken.

You know I live in the south, where it's perfectly normal to get married at 21 and have at least a couple of kids by 24.  I mean, it's fine NOT to do that as well, and I'm certainly not suggesting that everyone here does that or wants that, but I am saying that it's not out of the norm or shocking to meet a 25 year-old mom with two kiddos in tow.  And here I am, going on 28, married for four years (today! happy anniversary, Cody!) with no kids and no real desire for any. 

Actually, that's not completely true.  Every once in a long while, like when I get to hold my best friend Amy's precious baby girl, or when I have a particularly funny conversation with a certain 3 1/2 year old and meet her week-old baby sister for the first time, I have the "I could do this, couldn't I?" thoughts go through my mind.  And occasionally when I see a mom and her kiddo out on the town, doing something fun together, I'll think "that looks nice".  But honestly?  That's as far as it EVER gets with me.  In the next 30 seconds I'm back to thinking about toenail polish, or whether or not I'm about to run out of green tea and should I go to the grocery store for more?  Ooh, and I forgot about these sunglasses in the console, I love this pair!  Oh yeah, and it's 7:30pm and I haven't seen Cody or thought about dinner, maybe I should get on that.  All thoughts of babies and/or having them are gone.

My ovaries never kick, prod, or speak to me, at least not about babies.  Occasionally they'll convince me that eating yet another Dove dark chocolate square at 1am is a good idea, and every once in a while they do horrible things to me, like grow massive cysts which then rupture and put me in a world of pain, but they really never do anything nice and cozy, like suggesting parenthood, ever.  In fact, as I think back on my relationship with my ovaries, not a lot of good memories come up.  They may be trying to kill me.

I've been trying to reconcile this mystery with myself.  I mean, I like kids.  Mostly I think they're funny, and it's pretty incredible to watch them learn things constantly.  They're enjoyable, for sure.  If tomorrow morning I woke up and someone had dropped a baby on my porch with a note saying "you have to take care of this kid!  you're the only one who can do it!" attached to the diaper, then I'd do it.  I wouldn't hate doing it or anything.  So yeah, if you want to get really logical about it, I COULD have a kid (I mean, assuming my Evil Ovaries would cooperate), and I COULD raise the kid and I wouldn't want to kill myself.

But shouldn't there be more?  I mean, is that going to be my decision maker?  "Well, Cody, I'm 35 and I guess it's now or never on the childbearing front.  I still haven't felt any urges, but I can honestly say I wouldn't become suicidal at the thought of a child.  I guess it's time!" 

That seems like a pretty sucky way to bring a child into the world.  Shouldn't I want one?  What gives?

Love's Like A Bump On The Head, When It Comes Down To It

This past Saturday Cody and I went to meet some of our friends over at a house they were house-sitting.  Said house has a pool, and, as you'll recall, we all live in East Texas and it's like a trillion degrees outside right now.  (No really, it is).  So it only makes sense that we would all want to utilize such a welcome, cooling, oasis of water, and we made plans to do just that.  Cody and I packed up our floats and a cooler of refreshments and headed over.  And about three hours later, Cody hurriedly dragged all our stuff back out to the car and went to retrieve his concussed wife, who was dazedly walking around the backyard with a huge goose-egg on her forehead.

I'd like to take this moment to tell you that I am, actually, very familiar with pools, and with swimming.  I started swimming lessons when I was two, for goodness sakes.  I was on the swim team!  I worked every summer as a lifeguard throughout most of college.  I am not a pool retard.  So that makes the incident that follows even LESS impressive. 

And I'd love to explain what happened, getting wordier and wordier as I go, extrapolating similes and metaphors about how swimming can be just like life, man, and how love's like a bump on the head, when it all comes down to it.  But the truth is, I don't remember much of anything.  So, in the tradition of many a great blogger before me, I'm gonna let Microsoft Paint do the talking!

First, Cody and I thought it would be fun to do that thing where one person stands on the other person's shoulders, and Person 1 squats down so that he can then jump up out of the water and launch Person 2 into the air.  Actually, I should say CODY always thinks this will be a fun game; I normally am somewhat ambivalent about playing.  But anyway, that's what we were doing.  Like so!

As you can see, in this pool there is an area of deep water, and then another area where the water is shallower.  Just like every pool in the whole entire world.

Okay, so after a few jumps, I got to feeling pretty good about myself, and decided that I would do a back-dive.  Like this!

I did a few back-dives and they were just awesome.  I got really proud of myself.  And then, unbeknownst to me, Cody moved into shallower water.  He may have mentioned this to me and I, so taken with myself as I was, didn't hear him.  As I mentioned, I honestly don't remember, and, as such, will not accept Cody's version of the story as 100% fact.  I mean, that's like telling a coma patient that you sat beside their bed every day for 10 hours.  You might have....or you might have been out playing frisbee.  They'll never know.  It's pretty low, Cody, lying to a head-trauma victim.  However, whether it came with warning or not, Cody moved into shallower water and I still thought 'OOH, DIVING, FUN!"

 

So I dove, came down forehead-first on the pool floor, and ended up looking like this:

 

And then, for some reason, we went to dinner with friends, then somewhere else, and then to our friend's house, where I apparently fell asleep on the floor.  I remember approximately 5-7% of this.  And then all day Sunday I kept making mention of things I thought we had done the day before:

Me: Hey Cody, those sure were some good nachos we ate last night!

Cody: No one ate any nachos, Elise

Me: That was fun getting to see Friends X, Y and Z!

Cody: We never saw any of those people, Elise

Me: My brother says you called him all sorts of names (ed: he and Cody do this to each other ALL THE TIME - all in good fun) on the phone yesterday, Why'd you do that?

Cody: You TOLD me to call him, Elise. And then you told me what to say!

And that's how I feel about life - it's like you're having a great time, and then you smash your head into concrete (metaphorical concrete, of course), and then it's like the universe allows you to forget how much the concrete hurt and soon enough, you're all recovered and better than ever and can even look back and have a laugh or two about the whole ordeal.  Time heals all wounds, you know? 

Or maybe I'm just a moron who can't judge diving depth.  Either way.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 3: I Turn My Camera On (Well, Except For Stella; She Doesn't Know How To Operate One)

My first order of business is to note that LeeAnn, when she wears those glasses, looks EXACTLY like a boy wearing a wig.  And not in a "I am a boy but really want to be a girl and this is a really good, high quality wig", either.  She looks like a geeky 15 year-old boy dressing up as a girl for Halloween.  LeeAnn, surely there is something that can be done about this, yes?  I'd suggest looking into whatever that is.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can (hee!) carry on.  Project Runway opens up this week giving us a brief look at the designers sans Wesley.  The only one who really seems saddened by the loss is Daniel, a fact which surprises exactly no one.  We know y'all's secret, y'all!  LeeAnn stoops down to tie his cross-trainers and get ready for school.  Stella won't get out of bed because she needs 10 more minutes of beauty sleep.  If that's actually your reasoning, Stella, I'm in support - although just between you and me, I think you're way too far gone for all that.  Zing!

Heidi Kluuuum meets the designers out on the runway in an exceptionally boring outfit.  Blue jeans, a brown belt, and a white blouse, reminiscent of the Pirate Shirt from Seinfeld.  My guess is that the producers are throwing a bone to the .05% of their audience comprised of heterosexual men, because when I mused, aloud, that I couldn't imagine a duller way in which to dress Heidi "The Body" Klum, Cody said he thought it looked nice.  Is this like when they had Tiki Barber on for an episode last season?  Anyway, Heidi tells the designers that she's not going to tell them their next challenge because they've been working so hard and they deserve a night out on the town.  Tim will take them!  None of the designers believe her one bit.

Wait, I take it back, Stella seems to not only have believed Heidi, but also has manufactured an entirely alternate reality in her mind, asking the other designers whether or not they think it will be exciting to get to go to Tim Gunn's house.  "I mean, do you think there's room enough for all of us?" wonders Stella.  The other designers look at her out of the corner of their eyes and mumble a collective "uhhh...".  Tim meets them at the Atlas Apartments and Blayne asks him if they're going clubbing.  Tim mentions it's raining about seventy times and tells them to prepare accordingly.  "You know, I'm sorry I just came in here all wet, it's just that it's raining, and rainy, and we're going out in the wet, because it's raining out there, and I want you to be ready for the rain because it's really rainy!  Rain!"

The designers and Tim all clomp down the street wearing red, plastic rain ponchos and rainboots.  They come upon a big, blue, double-decker bus, and Tim says "yay, this is what we're doing!"  Blayne is less than excited, noting that what he REALLY wanted was to get all dolled up and go dancing.  Blayne skeeves me out so severely that I often can't come up with extra commentary for his ridiculous statements.  Tim explains the challenge to the designers, which is to take pictures of New York at Night and use those pictures as inspiration for their design.  The bus will make four different stops, a different group of designers will get off at each stop, and they'll have one hour to take as many New York at Night pictures as they can.

Stella can't believe how fun the bus is.  She's lived in New Yawk her whole life but she's never done a bus tour, and she thinks it's just the absolute coolest.  She is totally tripping out, and as she starts to break out in a rousing rendition of "A Whole New World", her stop is called and she's thrown, unceremoniously out onto the sidewalk.  Or, she just walks off the bus, however you choose to imagine it.  Blayne, Keith and Kenley are in Stella's group, and as they all walk around, happily pointing and shooting, Stella stays behind, fiddling with her digital camera and whining that she needs help.  "Do ya know how'ta zooom?" Stella asks.  "I can't get this thing to work!"  Blayne mentions that he would like to find a tanning bed, and Kenley looks annoyed with the whole lot of them.  She and Keith begin to wax eloquent about photography, talking about exposure times and how the light and different angles can be totally inspiring, and are interrupted (imagine the sound of the needle on a record player scratching) by Stella, who is stumbling around like she's coming down from a bad LSD bus trip, and moaning about how her camera is so difficult to operate. 

Eventually the picture-taking hour expires and the designers find their way back to Atlas, where Blayne puts on red short-shorts and Jerrell slathers his face with some kind of moisturizing mask.  They flirt a bit with each other until Jerrell remembers how terrifying and alien-esque Blayne is, and then they all go to sleep.  The next morning finds all the designers and Tim at Parson's, where Tim gives them 30 minutes to go through their pictures and print out ONE shot to use for inspiration.  Th producers, kindly, don't subject us to any more verbal confirmation of Stella's inability to function, but they do cut to a shot of her turning her printer over and looking at it like a cavewoman might.  "Ungh," Stella thinks.  "This not leatha....this not food...what this?"

The designers all pick their photos and get to work.  Blayne has selected a neon mess that he is exited about.  "It doesn't even LOOK like a picture!" exclaims Blayne.  "It's so...NEON!"  You know those silly status messages you can put on Facebook or (in Blayne's case, I'm sure) MySpace?  They have your name and then "is" and then let you put whatever you want.  Like "Aging Rocker Stella is, allegedly, addicted to Meth".  Well, Blayne should do his as "Blayne is NEON!" and leave it like that.  It really does explain so much.  Keith continues to pretend he is a great photographer, and explains that the shot he picked is one of a wet magazine laying on the sidewalk.  It has a lot of volume, Keith says, and that's what he was looking for.  I don't know about it, Keith.  I've personally NEVER ONCE seen a wet magazine that looked voluminous.  Pillows, balloons, clouds, taffeta, marshmallows, even candy wrappers...but never magazines.

It's Mood Fabric time!  And I hadn't thought about it, but this really is the first time this season of designers has been to Mood.  Stella, shockingly, becomes completely confused 15 seconds after entering the store.  "It's like a maze!" she laments.  "Where's somebawdy to help me?"  We finally get a moment with Terri Stevens, who tells us she's very urban, street, and hip-hop.  She's totally a badass, and I want to take this moment - yes, this very one! - to predict that Terri will be one of the designers presenting at Bryant Park in the finals.  You heard it here first.  Kenley explains to the camera that she has a 40's, pin-up girl aesthetic, and then proceeds to buy fabric that looks like it should be made into a mumu for my grandmother.  If she lived in Boca.  Yowza!

Back at Parsons, the designers are given until the end of the day (13 hours) to complete their inspiration piece.  Various sound bytes from the design process include:

Boy In Wig (aka LeeAnn) telling everyone she he fears that he'll be TOO creative.  I think he should be afraid of the swirleys, since that's what nearly did him in last week and his inspiration photo is (wait for it...) A SWIRLY THING.

Emily stands in her corner, draping fabric and explaining that her inspiration shot, a curvy ray of light, shows a lot of movement and she wants to show that in her dress.  She's awfully cute and kind of pixieish.  I think I might be getting a teensy crush on old Em.

Keith is sewing tiny pieces of fabric onto his dress and lets us know that sewing tiny pieces of fabric is a lot of work.  Thanks for the stunning insight, Keith.

Terri tells Kelli that she's "tough and dirty".  Kelli squeals and repeats it back to her, giggling. "Tough and dirty!  We're tough and dirty!"

Blayne gives Kenley a horrifying googley-eyed staredown, and then says "I'M GONNA EAT YOU".  See?  I can't even say anything about that.  I am way, way too frightened.

Stella, in the 5 seconds she was able to operate her camera, managed to take a picture of a black leather horse blinder.  I know, it's shocking, right?  So she's gonna go ahead and do some leather, she tells the camera.  It's because that's what she's into.  Leather.  Oh really, Stella?  Who knew?

Tim comes in with three hours left in the day to give the designers some constructive criticism.  He meets first with Jennifer, who will henceforth be known as Snooze, Snoozefest, or some other derivation of that word.  Her piece looks appropriately boring, and Tim tells her she still has tons of work to do.  So it's not only boring, but also time-consuming.  Sounds like a math problem, in which case Snoozey McSnooze might be better served in the Mathletes, not Project Runway.

Keith's dress looks like it has tons of tiny pieces of fabric sewn all over it in a completely shapeless, unorganized mess.  Tim thinks the same.  Keith says something, but I didn't care enough to write it down.  Kenley's grandma mumu fabric is still super ugly and Tim is worried about her concept.  She is apparently planning on using a multi-colored piece of taffeta as part of the garment, along with Fug Mumu.  Tim suggests that it might be costumey, and Kenley recoils in shock.  Tim is like, "whoa dude, chill" and says maybe she should just do it anyway.  Kenley says "I will," in a very snooty tone.  Well!

Terri's mannequin looks cool.  Tim goes over and Terri tells him how urban and hip-hop she is.  She also tells Tim that she's making a backless dress and will put pants under the dress.  So when the model turns around, it will be like, BAM.  Tim wonders if it will be a good BAM or a bad one.  She says he'll love it.  Boy With Wig has somehow made one of the coolest skirts I have ever seen on Project Runway, any season.  Like seriously, all it says in my notes is: LeeAnn - ooh, good good, wow, love it.  It's a great skirt, and Tim loves it as well.  We're all completely terrified that LeeAnn will ruin everything by making some awful, over-designed top, and Tim warns her against it.  She says "okay, so like, just really simple on the top?"  Yeah, LeeAnn - the skirt was a one-of, and you could probably just send it out there by itself and it will still give you the best chance of winning you'll ever have.

Cute little Emily is making her Wave Of Light dress and Tim seems to hate it.  She looks miserable and says "so this is...disappointing?"  Tim considers softening the blow but decides to be blunt.  "Yes, " he says.  Apparently he wasn't blunt enough, though, because not 5 seconds later, Emily tells the camera Tim gave her "mixed messages" and she's going to continue on with her concept.  Umm, Emily?  "This is disappointing" is a pretty clear "that sucks, you better change it" message.  Heed the Gunn!

The designers finish up and Blayne gives Tim a lesson in what "Holla atcha boy" means.  "You know," says Blayne.  "It's like 'holla atcha dog Shadow!'".  Oh, NOW we get it, Blayne!  Terri the hip-hop queen explains it for real.  Tim tries it out for fun, and after a few misguided "hollers", gets it right, and all the designers cheer except for Blayne, who is over in the corner playing with his dog, Shadow. 

What will happen next?  Who will be Auf'ed?  Will I be late for work if I don't leave right this second? 

Please tune in later this afternoon for the rousing conclusion to this week's Project Runway escapade

I'm back!  I know, I totally missed you too.  Okay, on with the show. 

It's runway day, and as we see the designers leaving their apartments for Parson's, I catch a glimpse of what LOOKS like Aging Rocker Stella's behind, encased in the RED STRIPEY LEGGINGS.  Again.  We've talked about this, Stella.  Not only are you tragically re-wearing a very memorable piece FAR before the appropriate time to do so, YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR LEGGINGS.  Actually, let me rephrase.  You might be able to wear those leggings, even at your age, if you were hot.  But instead, you're Super Gross.  And yet, you continue to do just atrocious things to your backside by encasing it in horizontally striped spandex.  She's breaking like, 15 rules of fashion every time she slides those Cat-In-The-Hat rejects on.

Joe (who we NEVER hear from) hints to the camera that some shoddy workmanship is taking place; he wonders aloud how many pincushions will come down the runway.  Terri tells her model that her piece will either win or be in the top three.  I tend to agree with Terri.  Snoozefest is worried and says she's "shaking in her boots".  Y.A.W.N.

Heidi meets the designers wearing what can only be a visual homage to Nina's "fastest way to look cheap" comment from last week: a tight, short, shiny leather skirt and a sheer animal print blouse.  Is this a slap in the face to Nina?  Or are they collaborating to prove Nina's point further?  I'm telling you, these are deep questions.  Sandra Bernhard is the guest judge this week.  I don't really have any idea why, other than the fact that she was introduced as a New York nightlife affectionado, but she's funny so I'll let it stand.  The runway show begins and my likes and dislikes are as follows:

Keith - eh 

Blayne - awful. Looks like a costume for a modern dance recital 

Joe - it's good.  A bit predictable, but only because his stuff always looks decent 

Emily - looks exactly the same as when Tim told her to change it 

LeeAnn - really, really good.  And she didn't even screw up the top! 

Snoozie - not as bad as I thought, but looks NOTHING like her inspiration pic of a clock 

Jerrell - interesting, long, green, and very ruffly 

Stella Kelli - the mere fact that I thought this was Stella's work should tell the tale.  It's awful. 

Daniel - eh 

Kenley - HATE.  Makes the models hips look huge, fabric is awful, skirt is awful and poufy 

Suede - decent, and he actually impresses me for once with his spot-on assessment that the judges might think it's too plain - doesn't look inspired by anything 

Stella - DOUBLE HATE.  Horrible brown pants with a corset closure and a silver metallic leather halter top.  Looks like something you would get for $15.99 at Hot Topic.  In fact, the model looks like she possibly has contracted an STD just by WEARING this sluttastic monstrosity 

Korto - black and boring

Terri - super cool 

The judges want to see Keith, Kenley, Emily, Terri, Snoozefest, and LeeAnn.  Everyone else is safe.  This is where the show really started to fall apart for me.  Because really?  REALLY?  Stella, with her leatha STD ensemble is SAFE?  Blayne doesn't even have to defend his modern dance leotard?  At least Kenley is gonna have to explain her one-hipped wonder.

And, as it happens, they want to talk to Kenley first.  Sandra Berhard starts off on the right track by noting that no one but a pin-thin model could ever wear the dress and look even halfway decent.  Kenley tries the old "it could hide flaws" routine, but no one is buying it.  "Yeah, if she had one big thigh and one thin thigh," says Michael Kors.  "Or if she had a big goiter," adds Sandra B., causing me to giggle.  And then, inexplicably, Nina LIKES the dress and suddenly so does Michael and what just happened?  The dress is awful, seriously.  They were just talking about how it looks like it's made for someone with a hip goiter, and now they like it?  I am upset.

The judges move on to Keith and they don't like his dress.  Okay, I can agree with that; it's definitely not great.  Next up is Terri, and they all love it.  Sandra especially compliments Terri, telling her that she seems cool and tough, and that the outfit makes the model look like she could cut someone.  Awesome.  The judges and I are getting back in sync.  Emily is next and she should have known better than to ignore Tim Gunn.  No one likes her dress, and Nina says it's more of a Carmen Miranda moment than a garment.  LeeAnn's skirt gets rave reviews, as it should.  Heidi says she would wear it right this second, and everyone is glad LeeAnn didn't ruin it with a crazy top.  Snooze is last, and the only judge who seems to even have an opinion on her dress one way or the other is Michael Kors, who doesn't like it.  He says the hem is bad, but Nina and Heidi don't appear to care about her dress at all.  I am wondering why they called her, rather than one of the SEVERAL other bad options they had to choose from (ahem, STD-ELLA).

The designers are sent offstage, the judges confer, and to listen to them, it sounds like Jennifer Snoozefest will be going home.  It's sad, but it's well-known that being boring is a higher crime on Project Runway than merely creating crappy stuff.  Bore the judges and you're done for.  The judges also rave about Terri's outfit, and agree that LeeAnn really vindicated herself after the brown shiny disaster of last week.  So it sounds to me like Terri's winning and Snoozie is done for.

Except!  This week the judges are WACK, and they don't do any of that.

Winner:  Kenley.  Yeah you read that right, MUMU GOITER QUEEN KENLEY.  Ugh!  She dances offstage or something, I can't remember because I was too busy making disgusted noises and yelling at Nina, who singlehandedly orchestrated this win.

Loser:  Cute Emily!  I know!  I didn't even have time to recover from the Kenley shock, and now they're throwing sweet little pixie girl off?  It's just ridiculous, is what it is, and Emily knows it.  She's pissed during her exit interview, and tells everyone that there's NO WAY her dress was the worst.  You're right, Emily!  It wasn't even third worse!

This week is wack.  I'm sorry Emily was a casualty of what I can only assume is producers pulling strings to keep the two crazies, Blayne and Stella, around longer.  It's disappointing though, because in the past Project Runway hasn't stooped to the normal reality TV standards, and has pretty consistently eliminated the worst contestants every week.  You're too good for this, ProRun!  Now next week let's cut out the shenanigans and play fair.  Or else Terri's model will cut you.