All Or Nothing

Monopoly Money, aka The Rant To End All Rants

So, I've got a friend who got her final bill in the mail the other day from the hospital.  She had gone through kind of a big thing; having been in and out of the hospital for the better part of 5-6 months, and during that time there were a lot of specialized services administered.  Anyway, my point is not to detail the hospital services, or to itemize her bill.  Rather, my point is to address the bill as a whole, and determine exactly what type of alternate universe the medical community is currently inhabiting.

The total bill, for services performed in a roughly six-month time frame?  $869,841.90. Not including a slew of other items that were billed separately, like anesthesia, radiology, and visits by specialists.  The total amount, with all bills added together, was well over $900,000.00.

Have you fainted?  Died, perhaps?  I'll wait a few moments for you to compose yourself, because I nearly had a heart attack when I heard the news myself.  NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?  Umm....WHAT?

That's more than the average American makes in a LIFETIME.  And she just got a bill, sent to her house, for that amount.  A bill for services rendered over a relatively short amount of time (just a few months).  Does anyone else feel like we've totally lost touch with reality?

It's kind of like the California real estate market as compared to the real estate markets of 95% of the rest of the country (yeah yeah, NYC/Boston, I'm not counting you).  People who live in California, and have for a long time, have just come to accept that buying a 1500 square foot, 2 bedroom 1.5 bath house is going to cost them somewhere between $500,000.00 and $1,000,000.00 depending on where in Cali they live.  That's just the way it is, right?  And yet the rest of us, living in the other 95% of the nation, see figures like that and think it must be a joke.  I mean, I could literally pick my house up with a crane, put it on one of those big house-moving trucks, drive it all the way to SoCal, slap it down somewhere, and it would have quadrupled in value.  Just like that!  It's ludicrous.  And when someone moves from California or NYC and goes house hunting, they feel like they've jumped up at least three tax brackets, because (gasp) they can easily afford an ENTIRE laundry room AND their own washer and dryer, not just the one they feed with quarters down the street. 

It's like a little bubble - the Ridiculous Bubble.  It somehow seems normal to spend $700K on a completely average, needs-some-work home if you live in San Francisco.  It seems normal to cram your bed, dining room table, couch, dresser, and whatever else you can squeeze into your 500 sq ft studio if you live in NYC.  Who needs all that space?  And the rest of us, outside of the Ridiculous Bubble, are like "ummm....you don't actually have to do that, you know".  Only difference is, at least you get the BENEFITS of living in the Ridiculous Bubble as it applies to real estate.  If you're paying an arm and a leg to live in a tiny box, chances are, that tiny box is set right in the middle of some seriously awesome stuff.  Maybe your box overlooks Central Park, and you can just run down the stairs and get groceries, great Chinese food, any magazine you can think of, and a hot dog at 4am.  Maybe you live in the epicenter of business and finance.  Maybe you live in the arts district in an amazing city.  Maybe you live three feet from the beach, and can listen to crashing waves all night long, and enjoy 70 degree afternoons every single day of the year.  My point is, I GET that for the most part, what you sacrifice by living in the Ridiculous Real Estate Bubble you more than make up for in culture and excitement and lifestyle.

So what are we getting in sacrificing our sanity and life-savings by living in the Ridiculous Health Care Bubble?  Really, really rich doctors, and even richer pharmaceutical giants.  And that's it!  No really, THAT'S IT.  I could try and write a moving, persuasive piece on how America's health care system needs a major overhaul, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to do so, when so many others are writing about it right this minute and doing a better job than I would be.  I don't know everything that would have to change in order to make our health care not just AWFUL, and I'm not up for getting this whole thing torn apart because I didn't fact-check that one reference I made to whatever hospital statistic I used.  I think it's pretty clear that our health care system is completely wack, and as further proof, I offer this as evidence: 

The Three Types of Americans Able to Consistently Access Good Health Care:

1.  Rich ones
2.  Old ones (over 65, because Medicare kicks in)
3.  Ones who work for mid to large-sized companies who are able to provide their employees with insurance

And that's it.  All the rest of us are totally left behind, left to figure out what insurance we can afford (pretty much none of them), how high of a deductible we have to get (pretty freakin' high to have ANY hopes for a low monthly payment), and whether to get insurance at all or just cross our fingers and hope for the best.  It's just absolutely ridiculous.  I am self-employed, and so is my husband.  To look at us from a health care perspective, you would think that I just said we are both UNEMPLOYED, and sit outside on the porch steps all day, drinking malt liquor out of a paper bag and listening to "Just A Friend" by Biz Markie on a giant boom box (and if you got that reference, my heart belongs to you 4Evah). 

We're being punished for being small business owners!  For being self-employed!  For WORKING for the small businesses; businesses who can't afford health insurance plans for all their employees.  I mean, is small business not what America is kind of ALL ABOUT?  Isn't it like, I don't know...the LAND OF OPPORTUNITY?  Or some such?  And yet, if you do move here, and grasp your opportunity to make a living by doing what you're good at, you better hope you can A) get super rich doing it or B) get employed by a big company to do it because otherwise C) you're gonna have NO health insurance.  And then you're gonna have to shop around for health insurance for individuals, and it's all going to be super expensive, and to get the monthly payments down, you're gonna have to have a $5000.00 deductible and so anytime you're not feeling well and you have to go to the doctor, you better be prepared to fork out another $300, just to have the doctor give you a well-exam and tell you you're okay.  Because well-exams and strep throats and the occasional minor injury aren't enough to meet a $5000.00 deductible.  And that means you're paying for your monthly premiums AND every ridiculously overpriced doctor's visit, because you're too scared that something REALLY bad might happen and then you'll need the insurance.  And why would you be so scared, you ask?  Because people get hospital bills in the mail for $900,000.00.  That's why.  So everyone is scared out of their mind that they'll get cancer, or in a terrible car wreck, or have pregnancy complications, and the hospital bills will bankrupt them in a heartbeat.  So we all scrounge up our monthly premiums that pay for absolutely nothing but a catastrophic policy, and we try to avoid all the little doctor's appointments, because we know that we won't have met the deductible, and the doctor is going to order a minimum of three tests (because the more they order, the more they can bill!) and the total is going to be $700.00 just for stepping in there and breathing.

And the whole reason insurance is so freakishly expensive in the first place is because the insurance companies are playing a huge game of blackjack, knowing that although they can be smart and win most of the time (see: every single person who pays their insurance premium each month and never has anything go wrong), there will be plenty of times they are going to lose, and some of those times, they will lose HUGE (see: $900K hospital bills).  So, you say, it seems like it's all easily traced back to these outrageous medical costs, right?  And if it's so easily traced back there, then that seems like an easy enough solution - STOP BEING SO GREEDY AND CHARGING SO MUCH, MEDICAL PROFESSION.  And yet, that clearly ISN'T the solution, because they keep charging more and more...and the doctor's houses get bigger and bigger...and the pharmaceutical companies will soon take over every commercial slot on television...and every American will be on at least five prescription drugs...and we'll STILL be the least healthy country in the world.  Oh, you didn't know that?  Well, we are.  Of all the Tier One (First World) countries, we have the biggest, most advanced medical community, and yet we have the sickest populace.  LOOKS LIKE IT'S WORKING GREAT, GUYS!

So, there's my rant.  And if I ever DO get a medical bill in the mail for nine hundred thousand dollars, I am going to pull out the return envelope, go over to my Monopoly box, grab a handful of that pretty-colored, paper cash, and toss that in as payment.  It's every bit as reasonable as them sending a bill like that and expecting compensation.  Maybe I'll print this out and throw it in the envelope as well.  Or maybe I'll make my letter a lot more succinct, something more brusque and to the point.  I feel sure I could come up with something.

Despite my best attempts to avoid it, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow.  Wish me luck that I don't come out crying, broke, or both.  If there's a donate button at the top of this site tomorrow, you'll know why.

Project Runway Season 5 Episode 2: It's All Green To Me

So.  I love Project Runway, I really, REALLY do.  But this episode - wasn't it kind of a yawn-fest?  I'm thinking back on past seasons of the ProRun, and I'm having a hard time remembering even one episode that bored me quite as thoroughly.  Don't get me wrong, I'll take the 0.5 seconds of Tim Gunn and his catchy, appropriate words of wisdom over just about anything else on television.  But still.  They better kick it up a notch next week, is all I'm sayin'.

CHALLENGE!

Perhaps the problem lies in the (non-challenging) challenge, which is to create a cocktail dress (oh goodness, not a short, sassy dress!  Who amongst the designers could possibly pull this off?  Oh that's right, EVERYONE) for...(maybe this will be the toughie) THEIR MODELS.  Yeah, so did you get that?  The designers have to create the easiest, most iconic type of dress for their 6ft, 110lb models.  Boy howdy, this one's gonna be a doozy!

To be fair, the ACTUAL challenge is that the designers have to exclusively use green (as in environmentally friendly, not the lovely color - not a green hue in sight, actually!) materials.  And the models, rather than the designers, get to go to Mood Fabrics and pick all the fabric.

Prior to the challenge announcement, Heidi and all the designers and models meet out on the runway where the designers do their model selections.  Most everyone sticks with who they worked with the first week, except for Jennifer (quick, Jennifer, do something memorable, no one knows who you are!) who takes Jarrel's model.  He seems annoyed in that special way you might get on TV when you've only worked with a model once and you don't actually care.  At all.  Anyway, the only reason to recap this bit is because Heidi is wearing either the skinniest pair of black jeans I've ever seen or a pair of black leggings, paired with a black, shiny, tunic top with short, raglan sleeves.  She's all black and shiny!  Also, her hair is down but pulled back on either side with the iconic LC braid (see: The Hills).  However!  Heidi has outdone LC with her own signature braid by making it TWO braids and also by being 100x hotter.  AND, lest we all forget, BY BEING NAMED HEIDI.  Ooh, it's a double Hills reference and we've just gotten started!

So the designers all have their models, the Non-Challenge has been issued, and the models run off to Mood, their lithe, long limbs striding purposefully ahead.  The designers are left back at Parson's in the design room, weakly shouting out last minute instructions to their model shoppers: "Don't get anything too...shiny!"  "And for goodness sake, don't forget CLOSURES!"  Right.  The models look confused, but they don't seem to be sweating it.  There's a lot of talk about green fabric, where's the green section, ooh look, peacock feathers!  After about 15 minutes, the models get bored and a whole bunch of them grab the same fabric so they can be done with it.  Models, do you not remember?  This is a competition for you too! 

Back at Parson's, the designers look nervous and, to stave off their anxiety, make snippy remarks about the models.  Jarrel informs us that he'll be happy if his model can avoid bringing back "remnants of nonsense", but his very tone implies that he believes he'll be presented with exactly that.  Aging Rocker Stella (who is in rare form this episode) spews a bunch of hard-to-follow prose about her model - I rewind and the interpretation is that she thinks her model is dumb, and therefore will be unable to perform the shopping task at hand.  Your model thanks you, Stella.  Now go brush your hair.  No, seriously.

MAKE IT WORK!

The models come back from Mood and Tim gives them 30 minutes to consult with the designers.  Kenley is unhappy with her model's choice of jersey fabric, proclaiming jersey good enough, MAYBE, for a t-shirt.  Not a cocktail dress.  Luckily, Kenley's mis-represented model has brought back several other fabrics, a fact that Kenley convienently ignores.  Keith says nothing his model brought back matches at all, and wonders aloud what he's supposed to do with all the peacock feathers.  Jarrel says his model did "real good".  Wesley!  We have never heard from him, ever!  He doesn't like what his model brought, or something.  I was too busy being surprised that he got interviewed at all.

Suede informs the camera that "Suede will be doing a swirl, but still wants some Suede in it".  He's still, obviously, got his 3rd person thing going on.  Also, a "swirl" reminds me of exactly two things: a chocolate and vanilla frozen yogurt, and a dipping of one's head into a flushing toilet.  I sincerely hope Suede's interpretation is more along the yogurt lines.  But with Suede, only Suede knows.  SUEDE!  Ugh.

Stella announces that she's confused.  You see, Stella does urban, tough, gritty.  She's not about the organic, beachy, flowy thing at all.  She's unpracticed, you see?  SHE HAS NO STRATEGY.  Stella, are you melting again?  Already?

Googley-eyed Blayne, the tanorexic weirdo (see: Tango) stands up from his work and proclaims that he has to prove himself to Darth Vader.  I start to panic, wondering if Blayne has lost whatever slight grasp of reality he was holding, but then he explains that Heidi IS Darth Vader.  Actually, he says, she's Darthlicious!  When asked why (YES, BLAYNE, WHY???) he says it's because on the outside Heidi is all dark and shiny, but on the inside she's CRAAAAZY.  Oh, okay then.  The designers working around Blayne back away, slowly.

Wesley!  He's actually really cute.  He looks kind of like a vintage model, or maybe a non-offensively nude Calvin Klein model.  His face looks like it should be photographed in black and white and plastered on billboards all over Times Square.  Oh, and yes, he's working on something, but I wasn't really paying attention.  It's brown and shiny, which is never a good combo if you ask me. 

Kenley is working away and has her plaid button-down shirt tied at the waist.  Kenley, there are very few people who can pull off this look, and when Daisy Duke is amongst the few, you should probably scrap the idea altogether.  Just an fyi!  I'm here to help.

Kelli, my love, comes over to see what Aging Rocker Stella is up to.  Kelli glances at the blue mass of nonsense Stella's got going and says "wow, you're Drapey Draperson!"  Stella looks like she's been stung and snaps back that NO, she is NOT.  She doesn't even KNOW how to drape!  She HATES draping!  Gosh Kelli, how dare you issue such a compliment?  Kelli backs away slowly.

Leeann makes fun of Suede talking in the 3rd person.  Nice going, Leeann; although it's a painfully obvious joke, at least I kind of remember who you are now.  As predicted, at least three of the designers are working with the same fabric, and unfortunately it's that brown, shiny mess.  Maybe next time send the models out for shopping with more than coffee and cigarettes in their system.

With three hours left in the workday (the designers have until midnight) Tim comes in for some helpful consultation.  He starts with Kenley, who is working on a champagne, shiny dress with a black, cut down belt that she's going to hand sew.  Tim likes it.  Kenley ties her shirt up just a bit more.  Wait, Kenley, didn't we just talk about that?

Tim goes to Korto next, who is working on some mustard yellow compilation.  Tim says that all her darts look nicely formed and should be invisible once she finishes and turns her dress right-side out.  Korto looks uncomfortable and explains that her dress is ALREADY right-side out.  Tim says "ohhhhh....hmmmm!"  Don't know if you caught that, Korto, but THAT'S NOT GOOD.

Suede is working on something that looks like Spiderman, if Spiderman caught a nasty case of the herp.  There are all these strips of fabric, and Suede says Suede needs to cut out about a million MORE strips.  Tim says he's excited about it, and Suede says that Suede has at least two more skirts to make for the same dress but that although Suede is concerned about time, Suede will figure out how to get it done.  SUEDE!

Cute Wesley is next, in his cute vest and white t-shirt, and Tim says to be careful because under those harsh runway lights, every mistake will show.  Wesley, in response, looks cute.  Tim tells Leeann, who is another designer working with the gross Brown/Shiny, to have an editing eye.  Which, to anyone who has ever watched ProRun before, clearly means STOP ADDING CRAP TO THE DRESS.  Leeann, however, thinks that it means "I'll do whatever I want because I have so many ideas and yay!" 

Tim tells the designers that the winner of this Non-Challenge won't get immunity, but will have their dress manufactured and sold by Bluefly.com.  Also, there will be a very exciting, young Hollywood guest judge tomorrow, so MAKE IT WORK!

Now for perhaps my favorite part of this entire episode:

BLAYNE (aka Tango, Googley-Eyes) vs. STELLA (aka Aging Rocker)!

Apropos of nothing, Blayne starts making fun of Stella, who is, either by clever editing or her own ridiculous personality, talking about leather CONSTANTLY.   "Everybawwdy," Stella shouts.  "I don't dooo stuff like this!  I wanna stick to my leatha!  Grommet it, spike it, stud it, laser cut it - I wanna work with my LEAAATHA!"  Blayne, as he sits at his sewing machine, starts talking in a impressively-accurate Stella-accent, saying that his husband is "leatha".  His kids all came out "leatha".  He LOVES his LEATHA!  Stella says what do I care, Blayne, you look like you're 12 years old (which, Stella, come on. Really? This is the best you could come up with?  Blayne's insane, has terrifying googley-eyes, has admitted to a severe case of tanorexia, thinks Heidi is Darthlicious, has a LC braid of his own in his highlighted, stringy hair, and your best comeback is that he looks 12 "ye-ah-s" old?).  Blayne somehow manages to dodge the scathing 12-year old remark, and offers a hug to Stella, finishing the squeeze by calling her "old Leathaface".  Ha!  And victory is Blayne's, as he easily defeats Aging Rocker Stella with a one-two Leatha punch.

RUNWAY DAY!

The designers wake up back at the apartments and we see Keith making Daniel's bed.  Keith says he's "taking care of this" for Daniel because Daniel is his "buddy".  Is this a romance brewing?  Daniel primps in the bathroom and looks appropriately hipster chic in his suit and skinny tie. (ETA: Daniel and Wesley, supposedly, are an item!  Sorry for ya, Keith, might not want to waste too much time on those bedsheets)

Back at Parson's, the designers run around chaotically trying to finish what they were supposed to have done the night before.  Tim comes in and chides them about this very issue, saying that it's all a big mess and he doesn't understand why they're still not done.  I am starting to wonder if Tim hates this season of designers.  Suede says "DANDELION!"  I have no idea why.

The models run off to hair and makeup, Daniel finally finishes his dress, Korto says she'll just be happy if she's safe, Suede says SUEDE ROCKED IT!  Keith says Wesley's brown dress doesn't fit correctly.  Apparently Keith and Wesley are NOT buddies. (ETA: Aha! And now we know why!)

Finally, the designers and models are all shoved out onto the runway and Heidi is there to meet them.  Blayne is probably peeing in his pants because Heidi does, actually, look a little sci-fi in her uber-fitted, strapless black bodice and paneled black skirt.  The bodice looks like it might be made of the same material as Batman's uniform.  I wonder if you could throw one of those pointy bat-wings at her and it would just stick in the sweetheart neckline and she'd stand there, unscathed, and AUF you.  Food for thought....

The guest judge is introduced and it's the adorable, fantastic Natalie Portman.  I love me some Natalie Portman, and not just because she's pint-sized and precious - she's a smart one and she's always incredibly well-spoken.  Today is no exception as she stands DIRECTLY NEXT to Heidi (that would make me lose my nerve right there) and greets the designers, saying that she is a huge fan of ProRun and an even bigger fan of environmentally friendly solutions.  Natalie's wearing a strapless green (yay, at least someone besides me got the wear green for green idea) dress with an interesting basketweave detail on the skirt.  She looks gorgeous, even right next to glamazon Heidi, in her Batsuit.  I'm totally impressed.

Natalie takes her seat next to Michael Kors and Nina Garcia and the runway show begins.  Here's a link to all the designs, so you can see for yourself what's what.  My thoughts are as follows:

Keith - champagne, kind of poufy but well-done
Terri: navy, awesome. Awesome color, awesome fit, very boobalicious, back is super cool - Terri is pretty good, folks.  She looks boring but then she churns out some pretty excellent stuff
Wesley - brown/shiny, oh, poor cute Wesley.  This dress is atrocious
Jerrel - baby blue and champagne, ugh. Disjointed, strange, too short, and looks like a runner-up costume choice from Logan's Run
Jennifer - orange and grey flames look better on a monster truck
Daniel - black, kind of vintagey looking, fits well, skirt is kind of off, but otherwise it's nice
Joe - brown/shiny, boring cocktail dress with jeweled straps and some weird circle thing in the middle - looks like you could pick it up on clearance at Dillards
Suede - woven champagne and red strips and poufy, silky skirt with tulle underneath - looks kind of Betsey Johnson and actually turns out very cool
Kenley - champagne, classic shape, kind of boring, fits well and looks like she attached a clown collar at the end
My Sweet Kelli - very asymmetrical, baby blue and champagne, I'm trying to like it, but it's just...not great.  Even Kelli looks unhappy
Leeann - brown/shiny, looks like a shirt dress got attacked by a bag of curly wood-shavings
Stella - champagne, asymmetrical, looks like prom from the 80's with one long sleeve and one sleeveless. Also has some corset-stitching up both sides that looks like it would normally be on LEATHA!
Blayne - mixed hot pink and black, has a big collar that goes off one shoulder, pretty normal
Emily - scandalously short in front, white strapless bodice trimmed with a ropey grey and black braid - actually it's really cute as long as you were on gynecological terms with everyone you wore it around
Korto - mustard yellow, looks like she built in saddlebags on either side. Yow

Heidi wants to see Kenley, Wesley, Stella, Korto, Suede and Leeann.  Everyone else is safe.  Wesley is wearing shorts again that are much shorter than what I would suggest for a...oh wait.  Are those bright red CROCS on his feet?  Please tell me no.  I think they are, but even if they're not, they are as bright red as any offensive red thing you've ever seen.  Wesley, NO.

Kenley is first and Nina likes the dress, saying it's streamlined and has a nice high collar (I think she meant to say a nice CLOWN collar, but you know, tomayto/tomahto).  Michael Kors says it's chic, and Natalie says something nice that is drowned out by Kenley's incessant giggling that she is speaking with Natalie Portman OMG.







Wesley is next and no one seems to like it.  Natalie tries to soften the blow by saying she likes the bowtie...thing....at the top, but Michael says satin has to look like no hands have touched it and this looks like 20 sets of hands have touched it.  Nina says shiny, tight and short is the quickest way to look cheap.  I agree.  The dress is not good.  Wesley, in his outrageously red Crocs, does rapid-blink as his creation is crucified.






Stella's turn and everyone seems to think it's alright.  I'm confused as to why she is part of the Chosen Six, because no one is terribly impressed or annoyed by her dress.  Nina says it's much improved, and Michael says he thinks the corset-stitching shows Stella's personality, but Heidi has no comment and Natalie doesn't care for asymmetrical 80's prom dresses.  Well, she didn't add the "80's prom" part, but I know she was thinking it, probably.






Korto is up and although sweet Natalie again tries to throw out at least one compliment (she likes the line of the top) everyone else thinks that adding wings/saddlebags/fins onto the hip-portion of a dress is not a good idea.  Michael tells Korto that believe him, even curvy girls don't want fins coming off their butt.  I say we should take a poll: curvy girls, do you like fins coming off your butt?  Project Runway always has the BEST thought-provoking questions!






It's time for Suede!  Everyone loves it, Natalie says she'd love to wear it, Suede falls all over himself to tell Natalie he'd LOVE for her to wear it, Heidi says if she was 10 years younger she would wear it herself.  Yeah, Heidi, I bet you really long for those days when your youthful figure could wear anything. 








Leeann is last and sadly, no one, not even Nice Natalie, has anything good to say about her dress.  In fact, Natalie comments that it looks just like Peter Pan without the hat, and Michael and Nina agree that it looks like five dresses in one and is all over the place.








Designers are sent off, the guest judges confer, and for the first time in Project Runway history (did you see that teaser) the judges have no funny, snarky commentary.  It's all predictable and boring "right dress for the right girl" and "judgment is part of the design process".  YAWN.

The Chosen Six are brought back out, I am blinded by Wesley's glowing-red Crocs, and the results are announced:

Winner: Suede!  He goes offstage, looks at the camera, and says "Suede rocked it".  SUEDE!

Loser: Wesley!  He goes offstage and is accosted by a crying Leeann, who demands to be comforted even though Wesley is the one going home and she is, in fact, still a contestant.  I hate it when people do that.  I think I would not respond graciously, but Wesley, in his lava-red Crocs, handles it nicely.  Go back to Marc Jacobs, Wesley, and prosper.  And please, please, get rid of those shoes.

Tact.

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines the word as such:

Main Entry: tact (noun)

1 : sensitive mental or aesthetic perception (converted the novel into a play with remarkable skill and tact) 

2 : a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense

Implies delicate and considerate perception of what is appropriate. Stresses dexterity and grace in dealing with new and trying situations and may imply success in attaining one's ends.  Stresses self-possession and ease in meeting difficult situations.

Are you good at this?  I mean, are you naturally a tactful person?  Or are you like me, a person who either clams up at the first sign of awkwardness or, conversely, inserts foot so deeply in mouth that a full recovery is almost impossible?

Q: You look great/you've lost weight!  How much do you weigh now?
A (with tact):  Only the scale knows my secret! (winking)
A (without tact): Ummm....what?  I mean, thanks!  So, how much...err...I weigh?...(insert exact amount you weigh and blush unattractively, wondering WHY you just blurted that one out)

Q: What a great job you've got!  How much do you make?
A (with tact): It's never enough, is it? (chuckle knowingly)
A (without tact):  How MUCH do I MAKE?  Really?  Umm, I don't feel comfortable discussing money like that...(and the conversation ends awkwardly)

Q (pregnant-looking woman walks up to you and looks at you expectantly): ....
A (with tact): Hello there!  You look great.  How are you feeling?
A (without tact):  Oh how exciting, when are you due?  (woman who had her baby three months ago looks crestfallen/pissed and snaps "I gave birth IN MAY."  You die of embarrassment)

I have found myself to be miserably lacking in natural tact.  Especially when I am called upon to assess the situation and come up with a sensitive, non-offensive response in lighting speed, as in the examples above.  Sadly, I also find myself with a severe tact deficiency even when I have time to dissect a situation for hours, sometimes days.  I still usually come up with something that at the time seems good, but when put into practice turns out just horribly.

I am coming to the conclusion that those who are blessed with the natural gift of tact are akin to those who are naturally blessed, say, with incredible athletic skills and end up playing professional sports.  Or those who are so genetically blessed that they end up on the covers of magazines all over the world.  Or those who are so musically gifted that they're playing entire concertos, by ear, at the age of six.  It's a blessing, a natural genius, an instinct. 

Still, just like I can improve my medial volleyball skills by playing more than once a year, surely there are measures I could take to increase my tactfulness.  I just don't know what they are.

So tell me, are you one of these naturally tactful geniuses?  Give me your secret!  If, though, you're spectacularly awkward like me, at least give me some empathy.  Commiserate with me in the comments - what's the least (or most) tactful thing you've ever said?

Project Runway Season 5, Episode 1: When A Tablecloth Really Is JUST a Tablecloth

First of all, hi!  I am so excited to be recapping Project Runway this season, mostly because I am obsessed with ProRun and all Bravo shows of its nature.  Sure, Top Design was kind of meh, but Top Chef is...well...tops.  And Project Runway, being my first love, will always hold a very special place in my heart.  Until next season, when they're switching production companies and moving to LIFETIME.  Yeah that's right, Lifetime.  As in, the same channel that does gloriously cheesy movies like "When To Hide From Him: The Kim Edwards Story".  I don't know if my relationship with ProRun will make it through such a massive overhaul, but luckily I don't have to worry about that right now because YAY!  SEASON 5 PREMIERED ON BRAVO LAST NIGHT!

Another serious matter -  the Project Runway Recap Torch has been passed to me from none other than my iBFF, Antoinette, and if I fail to carry that torch (and carry it well!) then I will be letting down thousands, nay, TENS OF THOUSANDS of readers.  Well, maybe more like 25.  But still!  I can't let you down, ProRun 25!  More importantly, I won't.

*****

Tonight's episode starts with the symbolic unpacking of bags (in the fabulous New Gotham apartments) as we are introduced to all sixteen of the new contestants.  Well, we're introduced to FIFTEEN of the sixteen.  There is a girl wandering around in a red dress with a flower pinned to her head and no one will ever give her the name caption.  Is she a stowaway?  A really stylish member of the New Gotham maid service?  TIME WILL ONLY TELL.

Standouts upon introduction include the following:

Blayne Walsh, 23 - blonde and short, and his eyes look like muppet eyes.  No, seriously.  It's as if he took Cookie Monster's round, googly eyes and whip-stitched them to his face.  Blayne informs us that he is seriously addicted to tanning, so...whoever he needs to talk to about that (looks pointedly at the camera and giggles).  Also, he has been designing clothing for the past six years but currently is paying the bills by working at a coffee shop.  Oh Blayne, I have a feeling I will be typing LOTS more about you.

Stella B. Zotis, 42 - I'm not sure where ol' Stella is from.  She has one of those confusing accents, where it seems to conveniently surface and you're thinking "German?  No, maybe Russian..." and then it dives back down and she sounds like anyone else.  Stella likes to design for the rockers, and she looks the part.

Kelli Martin, 27 - this girl is my age AND owns a boutique AND says that it's tough business and she's just fighting it out.  Kelli, I love you already.  DON'T DISAPPOINT ME!  What?  I'm a suffocating kind of friend.

Suede, 37 - that's right, SUEDE has no last name.  Suede also has a blonde shaved head with a little blue mowhawk stripe and seems to prefer speaking in the 3rd person.

Daniel Feld, 25 - looks polished, put-together, doesn't say anything extremely weird or off-putting - he reminds me of another ProRun Daniel...dare I dream for version 2.0?

Wesley Nault, 23 - wow, Wesley, you're young.  But you just said you were working for Marc Jacobs for the last year!  Score one big point for you.  Whoa, whoa, the camera guy just panned down and WHAT THE SHORTS?  Those shorts are. not. good.  I don't care if Marc sewed them onto you himself.  Your point has been rescinded and you are back to neutral.  Oh Wesley, a roller coaster already!

We meet the rest of the contestants (except for Red Dress girl) and everyone heads to the rooftop to meet Tim Gunn (I dare you not to love this man) and the gorgeous Heidi Klum (I dare you not to be wildly jealous of this woman) for champagne.  Heidi has her hair all pulled back in some intricate knotted updo, and while on just about anyone else it might look like the start of greasy dreadlocks all knotted up into a messy bun, on her it looks positively Grecian Goddess.  So.  That's fair!   Tim and Heidi greet everyone, talk about the contest rules, and the group gets to chatting.

One of the contestants, Keith, is telling Heidi that he has been designing for her for years.  "Yeah, I just look at it and think 'Can Heidi wear it?' And that's how I know if I should make it."

Heidi gives us a special treat by letting loose with one of her trademarked, awkward "HAH" noises - they always kind of shut the room down.  We finally get to meet Red Dress Girl - her name is Kenley Collins, she's 25, and she says she's "loud".  Obviously not THAT loud, Kenley, as everyone, even the producers, managed to forget about you until just now.  Tim tells the designers they are possibly the most diverse group ever, and he wants them to "knock his socks off!".  Oh Tim Gunn, I want to hug you.

*****

It's 4am and Tim is sneaking into the designers rooms to get them going on their first challenge.  The designers scurry around, bumping into each other in the dark and trying to throw on clothing.  The camera pans to Keith, in bed, drinking...wait, what IS that?  Keith, are you sucking on a bottle of vodka at 4am, just as you've been awakened?  And if he is, am I disgusted or kind of impressed?  Keith is possibly VERY hardcore.

Even though the designers supposedly had about five minutes to get ready, they still manage to look like the most hipster bunch of hipsters to ever grace the sidewalks of NYC.  Pre-6am.  Tim gestures across the street to the grocery store Gristedes (sidenote: this Southern girl has never heard of "Gristedes" in her life - is it like a CVS or something?) and tells the designers that they have $75 and 30 minutes to shop and (of course) to MAKE IT WORK.

Oh, and Austin Scarlett is the guest judge for this episode; he is introduced as everyone is standing outside Gristedes because in Season One of ProRun, Austin won the grocery store challenge.  He's decked out in what looks to be an attempt on Nautical Southern Gentleman.  He's got a navy blazer, white pressed trousers, a white button-down shirt, a white ascot (yes. really) and a white fedora trimmed in navy.  I think Austin is a douche.  Oh wait, was that already obvious?

Tim says GO and the designers sprint through Gristedes.  Also, another aside about Gristedes (sorry!) - is that a terrible name for a grocery store, or what?  It sounds like gristley tiddies to me, and that's all I can think about now when I type the name.  Gristle!  Tiddies!  Eww.

Stella is running through the store wearing what look to be candy-cane striped leggings and a short shirt.  Stella, as we'll recall, is 42.  And not Super-Aerobics 42, REGULAR 42.  Stella, those leggings would make Mary-Kate Olsen's behind look awful.  Fail.

Some of the designers treat us to their "game plan" as they're rushing through Gristley Tiddies.  Terri Stevens lets us know that her plan is as simple as "mop heads, mop heads, mop heads!"  Jerry Tam says he knew what he was going to do as soon as he set foot inside the Gristle.  "April Showers," says Jerry,  "make MAY FLOWERS".  He looks knowingly at the camera, and goes back to his shopping.

*****

Parsons time!  Designers are back at the studio and given until midnight to make their creations.  Tim reminds the designers that the winner of this challenge will have immunity for the next week.

I have a whole bunch of design-process observations typed in my notes, but I just looked at the length of this post and GOOD LORD it's getting long.  So to sum up, lots and lots of people are using tablecloths.  The designers keep looking around and seeing more tablecloths.  It's tablecloths as far as the eye can see!  WE'RE TOTALLY FREAKING ABOUT TABLECLOTHS!  Also, someone is making a yellow dress and attaching little cut pieces of a flyswatter and it looks surprisingly cool.  Kelli is making what she has deemed a "gardening dress", which involves bleaching and staining a bunch of vacuum cleaner bags and then sewing coffee filters together to make the bodice.  Kelli tells us that her dress will be ugly.  Really, Kelli?  A GOOD ugly, Kelli replies.  Oh, okay then.  Daniel is melting blue plastic cups with an iron and molding them together into a sweetheart neckline.  I like where this is going, Daniel v2.0!

Jerry informs us, conspiratorially, that he thinks everyone is making stuff out of trash.  Trash that he would just THROW AWAY.  Jerry seems to have not understood the challenge.  Aging Rocker Stella is sighing and collapsing on her table.  She says that her black garbage bags just look like...garbage.  They're cheap and look exactly like trash bags, and she fears her aesthetic will be ruined.  Stella seems flummoxed by this development.

Tim Gunn appears in the design room to give some much-needed advice.  He quickly jumps on the "tablecloths-are-everywhere" bandwagon, and encourages the designers to be more innovative.  You see, says Tim, tablecloths are really just another form of fabric.  Tim fears the judges will find the designers to be slackers.  That's right, SLACKERS.  A gloom falls over the room, and Stella starts freaking out in earnest about her black garbage bags.  Tim says "oh no, honey, you cannot send garbage bags down that runway".  Aging Rocker Stella looks like she might throw up.  Suede is concerned that his tablecloth looks, uncreatively, JUST like a tablecloth.  Tim says "you should be concerned."  Tim leaves the design room at 11pm and they have until midnight to finish.  Stella melts into an Aging Rocker Puddle on the ground and seems like she might not move again.  Suede makes the astute observation that Tim seems to be "over" the tablecloths. Crazy Blayne gives the camera a truly horrifying googly-eyed look, says he is finished, that he will dominate, and gestures proudly to what looks like a bunch of black netting tacked to a mannequin.  He smiles.  It's terrifying.  Everyone else scrambles to finish up.

*****

Runway day!  Finally, I know.  Stella has come up with a new plan and seems somewhat energized.  Instead of using her much-maligned black garbage bags for pants, she will make a beautiful dress out of them.  I fail to see how the garbage bags will have suddenly become less...garbagey overnight, but Stella seems convinced.   Tim tells the designers they will have an hour to send their models to hair and makeup in the Tresemme hair salon and the L'Oreal makeup room and he sends in the models.  I was hoping for some model drama but I think everyone is too concerned about time constraints and all I hear is a cheery "great, let's get naked!"

Blayne does throw us a bone after he sends his model to hair and makeup.  He looks at the camera and explains that his model has "more curves than...I even knew about" and THAT'S why his black netted nightmare didn't fit correctly on the first try.  As (yet another) aside, I think "more curves than I even knew about" would make a GREAT tagline.

Tim comes in to corral all the models and designers onto the runway.  The editors have to do some quick censoring as Stella's garbage bag dress flashes open as they walk away, leaving her model completely bare-chested.  Not trashy at all, Stella!  Good form.

On the runway, Heidi (wearing a metallic brocade mini-dress with a wide red belt) greets the designers and introduces the judges.  Like seasons of the past (thank goodness!) we have Michael Kors (top American designer), Nina Garcia (editor-at-large of Elle magazine), and guest judge Austin Scarlett (douchebag extraordinaire).  Heidi also recaps the prizes the winner will...win, those being a 2009 Saturn Vue, a fashion spread in Elle magazine, $100,000 to start a design line, and the title of Top Chef!  No, that's not it...

And the runway show begins.  As the season goes on (and more designers are eliminated) I'll post all the pictures from the show, but with sixteen designers I fear that those of you who have stuck with this post for this long will bail ship.  So I'll skip to the end and give you the six designers and outfits the judges wanted to "speak with further".

First we have Daniel:   

Then Jerry:

Korto:

Stella:

Kelli:

And, finally, Blayne:

Daniel is called first, and everyone likes his cup-dress.  Even Nina likes it, proclaiming it "sculptural".  Jerry is next, and as much as everyone liked Daniel's dress, they HATE Jerry's.  Michael Kors seems to dislike it the most, comparing it to both a bridal nurse AND a handi-wipe gone wrong.  Heid jumps on the bandwagon, brightly adding that it reminds her of a hospital plumber.  Korto is next on the line and although I didn't like her dress at all, especially the tossed salad neckline, the judges seem to think it's great.  Austin is happy she used fresh ingredients (again, this is a DRESS, not a meal) and Nina says she can appreciate that it's impeccably done.  Whatev.  Stella's up next and, unsurprisingly, they all think it looks like garbage.  Shock!  Kelli's dress is up and the judges are happy.  Michael says he thought Kelli used marbled paper, and commends her for being creative with the vacuum bags.  Nina asks about the hook and eye closures on the back, and when Kelli says that she made them out of a notebook spiral (!) Nina says "I like the way you think".  Me too, Kelli!  Hearts and kisses to you!  Terrifying Blayne is last, and he interrupts the judges to tell them he "didn't want them to be bored".  They say not to worry, because they've never been less bored by what looks like a fly-inspired wrestling diaper.  They hate it.

The designers are sent off stage to wait while the judges make their final decision.  Michael Kors has now convinced himself that the only reason anyone would wear Jerry's dress is if they were going to kill someone.  Heidi says Stella's garbage-mess was just "butt ugly".  Nina keeps going on about how Korto's yellow kimono/salad getup lets Nina know Korto has "great taste".  Wha?  The designers are brought back out and the decision is announced:

Winner: Kelli!  She goes off into the back room, does a little dance, and sits down with immunity for next week.  Ooh, and also a whole sleeve of tattoos on her right arm!  I never saw that before...Kelli, you are a sweet, sweet mystery.

Loser: Jerry!  According to the judges, he is memorable, but not in a good way.  Goodbye, Jerry, and may you have a long and prosperous career in slasherwear.

*****

Whew!  That will surely be the longest recap ever.  Introductions, explanations, googly-eyed madness...I think it's obvious who my initial favorite is, but who do you like?  Give me your thoughts, comments, additions, and corrections in the comments!

Yogi

I think this post is either going to annoy you, or you're going to be like, OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY GET THAT.  I would just forge ahead naively thinking that EVERYONE will get it and love it, but I can't, because I am the type of person who, even 6 months ago, would have read this and been like, DUDE, THAT IS ANNOYING, SHUT IT.

So.  Sorry in advance, and annoyed readers?  I feel ya.

This summer has been weird for several reasons, but the main ones are as follows: A) it's the summer and so things are slow at the store, B) all but one of my employees are college-age girls who don't have class this summer and are literally fighting over hours, and/so C) I have not been at the store nearly as much as I am used to.  I guess I kind of have the summer off, in a weird way - I mean, I still have to go to Los Angeles for market out there, and have to attend other, smaller markets and/or meetings, and I still have to do the business side of the business - but I really don't have to be IN the store.  Anyway, I knew that was how this summer was going to be -  that I was going to find myself with a lot of extra time to try and manage well - and I knew I was going to have to really focus on becoming quite a bit more disciplined.

The only thing I suck at more than time-management is discipline.

The four main things I think of when I think about living a disciplined life are (wow, I am really all about the subpoints today) A) eating habits B) exercise habits C) life-maintenance habits and D) spiritual habits.  In an attempt to kick-start my Summer o'Discipline, I decided not to completely overwhelm myself by trying to perfect A-D all at once, and instead chose to focus on B.  Once I got B down to a science, I would move on to another letter.  I felt pretty good not starting with A because of the weird death-flu-stress thing I had going on back in May that got me away from some of my most heinous eating habits.  I honestly think that feeling like I had at least one out of the four Life Disciplines somewhat under control made me more confident in going after the next. 

I have a weird relationship with exercise.  I'm like the douchey boyfriend who woos the girl, Exercise, and pretends to be all committed - and then, for the next 10 years, intermittently ignores and loves her until she's completely fed up and confused.  And then Exercise exacts her revenge on me in terrifying ways, like spin classes and stair-climbers and treadmills.  All of which I HATE.  Passionately.  And then I forget why I ever loved Exercise at all, and I tell her I think we need to break up and Exercise is all "good riddance, loser" and I'm all "whatever, you're just AWFUL anyway" and then we go our separate ways.  That is, until I start feeling lazy and lethargic and gain some weight and see other, healthy individuals jogging by, glowing and looking all in love with MY ex.  And then I want her back.

See?  Just like that dude you used to date!

So when I looked at the list of Life Disciplines and knew I needed to attack Exercise, I was...nonplussed?  No, that might not be right.  Maybe I was equal parts scared, intimidated, frustrated, and excited.   Excited because I knew how awesome a good, healthy relationship with exercise could be, but all those other things because I had never managed to maintain that relationship very well at all.  And so finally, after 27 years of being on this planet, I decided to inventory exactly what it was I liked and disliked about ol' Exercise and stop trying to force all of the things I really, truly hated.

It went a little something like this:

Running?  HATE.  No.
Swimming?  LOVE, but not the most practical discipline unless one has near-constant access to a pool/doesn't mind smelling like a chlorine factory/doesn't travel.  No.
Gym weight training?  LIKE, to a point - but definitely not enough to maintain, and isn't good enough on it's own because you have to add in cardio.  No.
Various gym cardio (think stairmaster, elliptical trainer, stationary bike, treadmill)?
HATE HATE HATE.  No.
Gym classes (think pilates, aerobics, spin)?  LIKE, on a relative basis, but not enough to get up early, take myself to the gym, avoid the talky-talky morning exercisers, and maintain.  No.

In doing that little test, I realized that I pretty much dislike the gym altogether.  I don't like it when I need a machine and I have to wait or, even worse, break in on someone's cycle.  I don't like making conversation with the gym people I kind of know, but don't really.  I don't like having to be on someone else's class schedule.  I don't like the crowded cardio room and I HATE all the cardio equipment.  I guess I'm just not a gym person.  Who knew?  Better question - WHY DID I NOT KNOW?  I've been either going to or studiously avoiding gyms for the better part of the last 12 years.  Why has it taken me this long to realize that I really just don't like them?

Coming to this conclusion sure made it a lot easier to cancel my gym membership, thus getting a leg-up on the financial aspect of Life Discipline C.  Good riddance, gym.

But I still wasn't set.  I knew that I didn't like going to a gym, and I wasn't going to waste time and money trying to force myself into that anymore.  I knew that I HATED running, and let's be honest, there was no way I was going to try and force myself into that anyway.  I have come to terms with my hatred for running a long time ago; for many years I believed those LIES the runners tell you - the lies about how once you "break through your threshold" it all gets better and suddenly, running tuns into this bucolic, euphoric experience - to this I say: LIES, YOU LYING LIARS.  I ran cross-country in high-school and CONTINUED running into college just to try and find this "threshold" and let me tell you - for me, IT DOES NOT EXIST. 

Swimming was out, because even though I really do love swimming (and it's awesome exercise) I knew that I wouldn't religiously drag myself to the local Y or the junior college pool every day to do laps.  There are always weird time-restrictions and swim meets and swimming lessons and believe me when I tell you that the TINIEST kink in my exercise plans will result in me saying "hmm, too bad, guess I'll just go to Starbucks".  Happily.

So no gym, no running, no swimming.  Nothing that requires me to interact with preternaturally chipper morning exercisers or be on someone else's schedule.  Nothing that involves horrible, tortuous cardio equipment.  I felt like I was running out of options so I decided to go back to my roots.  For the first 15 years of my life I was in great shape, well-exercised, and happy about it.  What was I doing?  Ballet.  I was one of those SUPER serious ballet girls; the ones who have one class or another nearly every day and have their own lingo and sit together, chatting, while they tape their broken, mashed feet so that they can shove them back into pointe shoes.  One of those girls who has recitals that literally take over her life, and legs she can lift over her head and enough pairs of pale pink Capezio tights to stock a small warehouse.  I was one of those girls.  And I LOVED ballet.  I never felt like I was going to "exercise", I was going to dance.  It was glorious.  So ballet seemed like a potential option.  But not really.

First of all, I'm not 15 anymore.  And secondly, when I DID do ballet, it wasn't a hobby.  I was pretty serious about it, and I was in some pretty advanced classes with some pretty major plans - until we moved to a town with NO good ballet studios when I was 15.  I always tell people that ballet is the only thing at which I was ever REALLY naturally good.  I once tried (I think I was 19 or so) to go back to ballet, just because I missed it so much, and it was absolutely humiliating.  No longer could I stretch my leg into infinity, all the girls were younger, and when the instructor asked my age she suggested the Adult Ballet class.  Gross.  There was no way.  Even though now, at 27, I seriously doubt I would feel the humiliation as much, I would still be subjected to class schedules, specialized equipment needs, and (worst of all) the chatty fellow exerciser.  So no ballet.  But maybe something LIKE ballet....

And that's how I fell for yoga.  I had practiced yoga before, for almost a year actually, right when I moved back to my hometown in 2004.  The gym I was a member of (again, with that pesky, omnipresent gym membership!) had recently started hosting yoga classes, and I thought I'd give it a try.  I really enjoyed yoga a lot, even the Bikram practice we were doing at the gym, which requires the room to be heated to a minimum of 98 degrees with 40% humidity.  You can pretty easily burn up to 600 calories in a 90 minute Bikram yoga class, and you sweat...umm...a LOT.  Like, you walk out looking like you jumped into a swimming pool.  There are many reasons for the heat (increased flexibility, increased heart rate, increased blood flow, removal of toxins) but suffice it to say, after your 40th downward facing dog "resting" pose, as your hands slide around in the STANDING water (well, sweat) on your mat, you either go to a "higher place" or get the heck out.  I loved it.  But then my gym canceled all yoga classes because of this hilarious story where the owner totally freaked out, busted in on an ONGOING yoga class, and started trying to EXORCISE DEMONS.  Not sure how the demons fared, but the classes were sufficiently exorcised, and so that was the end of my brief affair with yoga.

At least until 5 or 6 months ago, when I had effectively ruled out just about every other type of exercise and decided I was just going to DO it already.  I got on Amazon, researched a bunch of yoga videos, and ordered a couple.  Fast-forward to today, and I have been practicing a mix of Bikram, Hatha, Vinyasa, and Ashtanga yoga and I absolutely love it.  I do it just about every day, and it's totally easy because all I have to do is walk upstairs (where, unless we turn on the air, it's almost ALWAYS above 98 degrees), unroll my mat, turn on the DVD player, and have at it.  I have little to no opportunity to make an excuse for why I "couldn't make it today", and when I travel I just pop a DVD or two into my bag and either bring my own mat or buy a cheap replacement.  I have now incorporated actual studio (teacher-led) classes into my yoga practice, but I honestly don't feel like I have been missing out by doing it at home.  Yoga is such a different type of exercise in that it (cue cheesy Zen music) really does require you to GET INSIDE YOUR OWN HEAD and make your body respond accordingly.  Maybe this actually ISN'T a different type of exercise; maybe everybody who has found their "thing" feels the same way when they are running, or doing spin class or whatever.  But for me, practicing yoga really does give me that whole mind-body connection, where I can THINK about going further in a pose, and then ACTUALLY do it.  When otherwise I would have thought there was no way. 

Today in class we had to do the crow pose, and while it actually isn't that hard, crow is one of those poses with which I really had a head issue.  Let me see if I can find a picture -

 

So that's crow.  Or crane, depending on where you're practicing.  Anyway, if you've done it before, you know it's not that hard; it's much more about balance than strength.  But if you HAVEN'T done it before, like I hadn't, then you look at it and think UMM NO. CANNOT DO. FAIL.  And so that's how I felt about crow.  But after a while (and the privilege of practicing alone) I got over my fear of crow.  And today in class when the teacher called for 5 full breaths in crow pose, I was able to do it the whole time, with no hesitation.  The euphoria of that moment made me nearly not care when, only 20 minutes later, I fell flat on my butt during salamba sarvangasana.

July, You're Everything I Never Knew I Wanted

July is a weird month for me, professionally speaking.  Mostly that's even weird to type because I am one of the least professional people I have ever known.  And yet I still, somehow, maintain a profession.  A profession in retail!  In business ownership!  Hi, my name is Elise and I own a clothing boutique.  I'm a professional.

Unfortunately, July is not a great time to own a boutique (especially Economic Crunch July of 2008) because it's the middle of the summer and half of this East Texas population is on vacation to cooler climates (or planning for such a vacay), and the other half is sitting around their sweltering backyards in those plastic swimming pools filled with ice water, sweating, and passionately hating all the people who are on vacation.  No one's really all about getting into their super-heated car after it's been baking in the garage, driving to a super-heated parking lot, walking through the super-heated, lava-like parking lot, and throwing some possible vacay money away on new clothes.  To this I say: You are only making yourselves more miserable, People Of My Town.  Spend your money at my store, buy yourself some new pretty things - maybe a sundress!  EVERYTHING is better in a nice, cool, breezy sundress.  And yet, the People Of My Town largely ignore me, or at least that's what my mid-summer dwindling sales figures would have you believe.  It's just the scourge of owning a clothing boutique in a hot, Texas town.  The summers will always be slow.  It really is too dadgum hot to care about anything other than A) basic survival and B) popsicles.  Fashion goes straight out the window.  But in the fall, oh the glorious fall - everything is made up for in the fall.  September can't get here fast enough, if you ask me.  So in that respect, July = Blah.

However, tomorrow, on the 12th of July, I will celebrate the day I bought this boutique, and that makes July pretty awesome.  In fact, as of tomorrow I will have owned my boutique for FOUR YEARS.  Meaning, of course, that tomorrow marks the START of our fourth year.  So it's our third year anniversary, technically.  But, as I explained in depth last year, I am not going to let that little technicality suck my joy and hard work away.  I've been doing this thing for four years (oh, fine. as of tomorrow it will be four years), and by golly, the words FOUR and FOURTH will be in there somewhere.

So, much like I requested of you last year, have FOUR of something for me today or tomorrow.  I would make it easy and say drinks, but since suggesting the idea of having four drinks might, to some, seem...I don't know.  Excessive?  I will say you can break it up into today AND tomorrow.  So have two drinks today, and two tomorrow.  Or two desserts today, and two tomorrow.  It's for THE STORE.  A celebration.  Geez.  Don't rain on the parade with your silly ideas about moderation.  And if you do decide to have four drinks or four desserts or four popsicles or four of anything else you like - PLEASE make sure to come back and comment in all your drunken/sugar-crazed/brain-frozen glory.  And I'll do the same.

Vimeo: Will This Be Love, Or Just A One Night Stand?

Clark Learning About Chanel from Elise Carter on Vimeo.

This is my precious nephew, Clark, on the Sunday after the 4th of July weekend.  I was delirious-tired, and Clark wanted my Chanel lipgloss.  I figured why not, and chalked it up to one of the (many) reasons I should be glad that I'm an aunt rather than a mom.

At the 0:48 mark you'll see Cody give me his signature "WHY are you doing this?" look.  I get this look all too often.

Oh, and my brother says I should edit out the sound, but it has taken me an embarrassing amount of time just to figure out how to get the footage from my camcorder to my computer with the audio and video intact, and then into an extension that ANY internet video program will read.  I am so far from knowing how to edit ANYTHING that if the sound bothers you, my suggestion would be to just turn the volume off.

I have a lot of video that I want to post in the next few days, and maybe somewhere in there I'll get the hang of editing.  One can only hope.  Well, YOU can only hope; you'll be the one suffering through unedited video otherwise.  Come to think of it, can any of you help me?  Suggestions in the box below!

Either That Montage Just Takes Forever Or I'm An Internet Idiot

So I feel like I have a good friend who I haven't talked to in a while, and all these things have happened since the last time we talked, and every time something new and/or crazy happens I think "oh my goodness, I NEED to tell Friend this!" but then I think that I cant tell Friend right now, because I don't have time for a conversation of that length.  I'll call tomorrow.

And then tomorrow comes, and more crazy events transpire, and somewhere around two weeks later I resurface from the insanity and think "AHHH, I still haven't talked to Friend!"  Now the conversation is going to take hours.

Well, you are that friend, Internet.  I have so many things to tell you that I honestly don't even know where to begin.  First of all let me say that this summer has, bar none, been the weirdest time of my entire life.  Secondly, I have absolutely no idea how to fit this into one post so I was thinking maybe I would do bullet points (the lazy person's listmaker) and you can weigh in on subjects you want to hear more about/seem the most interesting.  How 'bout it?  Because otherwise I can guarantee you that this will degenerate into a ridiculously long, rambling, disjointed mess of a post, and I honestly can't even say that I would read that.  

So let's all play along and here are the bullet points of things that have gone on since May that I need to tell you about and haven't (ETA: Now a numbered list with pictures!  Everyone has been doing that Flickr montage and while I wanted to do it too [and still may] at least you now get a numbered list with visual interest!):

1. Lost my appetite completely and with no warning; lost about 14 pounds in two months*
2. Spent a week and a half on vacation in Los Angeles - the first half by myself completely, and the second half surrounded by a whole host of interesting characters doing interesting things at interesting places
3. Quit eating fast food completely
4. Got the Death Flu but it only lasted two days, one of which was handily the date of the biggest event of the summer for my boutique, so that was fun
5. Went back to Los Angeles for work and ended up doing about two weeks worth of social stuff in three days time
6. Quit eating sugar almost completely
7. Met a girl while in LA who is from a tiny East Texas town about 35 miles from where I live - we knew many of the same people and remarked on how strangely small the world can be
8. Cody's dad started having major neck/spine issues, which quickly deteriorated to the point where he was partially paralyzed on the right side, leading everyone to completely freak out and him to get scheduled for emergency spinal surgery, which he had yesterday (7/1/08)
9. Cody's grandpa (his dad's dad) went into the SAME hospital on the SAME night as Cody's dad, because Grandpa BROKE HIS NECK - the neurologist got confused and saw the wrong patient because there were two Mr. Carters in the same hospital on the same night in for largely the same reason - felt like I was living in the Twilight Zone
10. Have become somewhat the main go-to person for Cody's grandpa because obviously Cody's mom and dad have been SOMEWHAT DISTRACTED, what with the partial paralysis and emergency spinal surgery and all
11. Quit eating most processed foods completely
12. Saw Alison Sweeney (Sami from Days of Our Lives, for the non-soap opera crowd) walking to her car and made fun of her because she was all dressed up and from a distance she looked like a teenager going to prom. At 4 in the afternoon on a Friday.  Then I saw who it actually was and thought "oh good, she isn't a skinny little stick!" She looks normal
13. Went to a Death Cab for Cutie concert randomly; it was weird
14. Went on several hikes
15. Missed my friends at home while I was gone; wished that I could intermingle my worlds - move my house and friends out to a big city or move the city here
16. Became hopelessly and totally re-addicted to chips and salsa.  Weight loss of past two months is being reversed almost solely by the power of corn and tomatoes
17. Went out to a whole host of places in and around Los Angeles; some uber trendy, some kind of underground, some in between
18. Have learned an awful lot about neck braces, how they work, and how they DON'T work
19. Have consumed my weight x3 in green tea
20. Celebrated Cody's birthday with a really fun night of live music outside IN MY HOMETOWN, can you believe it?  Because I can't
21. Hosted three (THREE) baby showers
22. Have done yoga almost every day
23. Went to a "recycled" clothing store in Studio City with my sister-in-law and came away with three pairs of high-end shoes, two shirts, a pair of linen trousers, and a pair of straight-leg designer jeans and spent less than $150.  Wow
24. Figured out that my dog ate half a square of Baker's Chocolate, had a mild freak out and then realized it would be yet another item to add to my Vet Bills Spreadsheet - watch out, OPH! (And RA - are you proud of me for having a spreadsheet?)
25. Watched helplessly as my house (both outside and now in) has become inundated with tiny ants - have been plotting and will wage Ant War Strike I this evening
26. Have been doing about 18 loads of laundry and (#27) cleaning house to get ready for our annual 4th of July lake extravaganza where any and everyone we know comes to town to hang out, float in the lake, (#28) drink adult beverages, play volleyball, mess around on boats and jetskis, and have an all around awesome (#29) Texas lake celebration. Come!
27. (Actually #30 - THANKS FOR NOTHING, AUTOFORMAT) Got to see my best friend and her brand new baby girl on the day she gave birth.  So sweet

Want to know details about any of the above?  Let me know in the comments!  I'll be happy to spin a long, rambling tale about any of those events.  Had your fill?  That's fine too - just enjoy the pictures because that montage took FOREVER.  What is with people "not subscribing" to the Flickr mosaic maker?  DON'T THEY KNOW HOW LONG I SEARCHED FOR THAT PICTURE?

*I wish I could take credit for some incredible measure of self-control I used to quit the sugar, fast food, etc.  Unfortunately for me, I have no such self-control and the only reason I was able to get out of those bad eating habits was because I had already lost my appetite and therefore felt no desire to eat ANYTHING, including my beloved fast food.  Once you get out of the habit it's not so hard, and so thanks to extreme amounts of stress, I have become a healthier eater.  I should write a dieting book.  It could be alternately titled "How To Develop An Eating Disorder".