Google Search Fail: "Can We Be Friends, Spider?"

It's time for everyone's favorite - Weird Google Search Terms! 

Oh thank goodness, I don't think I could stomach another one of those long-winded emo posts.  Have you noticed she's gone really downhill lately?  I used to think she was funny!  Well, sort of funny anyway.

Hey!  I can hear you.  Shut up.  Everyone gets emo sometimes.

I know, right?  I mean, the whole "why I love Radiohead" short post was one thing - obviously stupid filler, but whatev.  But then she posts some weird reflecty picture and then starts going on about how she wants to do something but she can't do nothing or maybe it was reversed - I honestly just kind of skimmed it because I got super bored and then I clicked through to Perez.  I think Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian now?

Yeah, I totally read that too!  You know who else is funny, it's that What Would Tyler Durden Do guy.  I mean, sometimes he's super rude and says that non-fat girls are actually fat, and they're SO not, and then I start thinking "am I fat?" but I know I'm totally not, so, you know.  I rise above it.

This is spinning out of control.  My hypothetical bored readers are actually turning out to be kind of stupid, and are also taking over my entire post.  I already said we were doing Weird Google Search Terms and you KNOW that's pure entertainment even I can't mess up.  And in regards to LiLo, I think she's just going through a weird phase.  BECAUSE PEOPLE GO THROUGH THEM.  Try to be a little more sensitive.  Jerks.

And without further delay, from stupid hypothetical readers or otherwise:  May's Weird Google Search Terms!  As always, I remain committed to helping you, dear Internet searchers, who have stumbled your way onto my site with your probing, difficult questions.

****Many of you seem to be concerned about your toes.  154 of you, in fact, found me in the exact same way: by typing "ugly toes" into your browser.  Others had more specific queries:****

is there surgery available to make ugly toes look pretty?

And the answer to your question is probably.  I mean, I don't know, because A) I'm no doctor and B) I don't have ugly toes.  And therefore I don't want or need ugly toe surgery.  In fact, I have pretty toes, and have, upon several occasions, counted them among my favorite parts.  I mean, if I had to give you one piece of advice it would probably be to just have better genetics.  That's really your best bet.

i have ugly toes help

Sorry sweetheart.  Same advice as above goes for you.  Better genetic structure would have been a good idea, but since you're probably too late for that, you may very well be doomed to closed-toe shoes for life.  Either that, or some sort of high-risk cosmetic toe surgery.  I heard the last guy DIED on the table from that though, so, you know.  Do with that what you will.

pulled toenails off will they grow

Sooo.....you PULLED them off, eh?  And your biggest concern, after forcefully and violently removing your own toenails, is whether or not they'll grow back?  Someone has their priorities wrong!

ugly little toenail why

I know, honey, I know.  I feel your pain and despair - the way you threw that "why" on at the end was heartbreaking.  Why indeed, cruel world?  Why must your little toenail be so ugly?  Why do so many suffer needlessly?  I don't have these answers.  But I do have black toenail polish, and I gotta tell you, when my toenail got pulled off by the weatherstripping on the door, that black polish saved me.  I'd invest in some, if I were you.  I mean, if $3.99 could solve all of the world's problems, we would be in such a happier place.

weatherstripping ripped toenail off

Yeah yeah, me too.  Don't be trying to one up me on my own blog, k?

****Spiders and other bugs seem to concern many of you as well:****

a spider that looks like poop

How can you be sure it's not just...poop?  I mean, CAN you?  I'd say if it's got legs, and is moving around, it's more than likely not poop, but maybe just a spider who got covered in poop and is simply trying to get cleaned off.  And there you are, not even sure what's poop and what's not, but going ahead and passing judgment on the poor spider's looks.  Maybe to the spider, YOU look like poop.  Huh?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  Be nicer.

bugs and spiders from the past

Because we don't have enough of them in the present?  I'd venture that NPW would disagree with you, there.

what happens to spiders after they have been put down at the vet

The vet tech scrapes them off the bottom of his shoe. 

little bugs that live in my couch!!!!!!!

Is this a call to action?  It certainly isn't much of a question.  Maybe you're just venting.  If you're really trying to get in touch with the bugs in your couch though, I'm not sure typing to them via Google is the way to go.  Maybe put some crumbs down in the cracks of the couch cushions, let the little bugs know you appreciate them, and THEN go about asking them to do whatever it is you're wanting.

****And finally, the truly random questions:****

7 girls each girl has 7 back packs each back packs 7 large cats each large cats has 7 kitters

Fun, it's either a math problem or a riddle.  Let's see, 7 girls, 7 backpacks, 7 large cats in each backpack, 7 kitte...r...s.  And then we're done.  At my count, we had 147 items, but then you either got bored or realized that you didn't know how to spell KITTENS, so there wasn't much hope for you getting the problem solved.  And for that burst of insight, I commend you.

how do i know if its black tar heroin?

Well, I'd guess if it's kind of black...and sticky...does it smell like asphalt?  That's what I imagine would be a dead giveaway.  For a heroin addict, you seem awfully picky.

skin saver of tornedo

I just have absolutely no idea.  I don't know if you think natural disasters are good for your skin, or if this is simply a case of violently awful spelling.  Or maybe it's something awesome that I haven't ever heard of.  I did a quick search myself and turned up a site about Yo Yo repair.  Does that help?

sleep late is good for the 61 person

I like to sleep late.  Does that make me the 61 person?  If not, how do I BECOME the 61 person, because everyone seems to be on board with that dude getting more sleep.

too lazy to do anything but die

Well, there you have it, then.  I guess your course is all laid out for you.  It may take a while though, if you're truly planning on expending NO effort.  I guess you're okay with that, though?  Yeah, you are. 

i love black tar heroin

Google: taking confessions of all types since 1998.

two penguins in a bathtub one says pass the ketchup

What's the punchline though?  That's what makes me mad, when these jokesters leave me hanging like that.  Does it have something to do with a polar bear?  If this is gross, and I am just totally missing it, email me, okay?

you and me have a better time

Yeah we really do, don't we?

Did I answer your question?  If not, don't despair.  We'll do this again next month, right here at All Or Nothing.  Thanks for playing, and we'll see you soon.

Comments

[Alexa]

Oh my god, that was the hardest I've laughed in a week. Thank you.

["antoinette"]

oh my god, how did you figure out the KITTERS question??? You so smart.

[Laurel]

Oh random google searchers. You are SO special.

Also, Lindsay Lohan? Totally just going through a phase.

[nancypearlwannabe]

I can't even imagine what's going through some people's heads when they type out Google searches. To this day I get more hits for adult diapers than any other search. WHY?!

As for the spiders, I say keep them in the past. I don't need them in the present OR the future.

[elise]

Alexa - Not sure what kind of week YOU had, but thanks!

Antoinette - Ha! The trick is, I DIDN'T figure out the Kitters question! In fact, once I started thinking about all the girls, and their 7 backpacks and 7 cats and all the cats' various crap, I got super confused and had to hurriedly finish making fun of that search phrase. Can ANYONE solve this riddle? I think not.

Laurel - Thank you. I think by next year she will A) be back in rehab B) have a baby C) be working on a cruise ship or D) all of the above. A rehab cruise!

NPW - I had a sneaking suspicion you would feel that way :) NOW GET OUT OF YOUR INFESTED OFFICE!

[grace]

oh boy. I've to fix my makeup now. I laughed so hard I teared up.

[helen]

Oh no, now, although I try to avoid it like the plague I feel compelled to go and check my google thingamejigger, I have this new toy on my blog that lets me know where people are from etc, the world can see it and it will say Little town in America came via google...poo bum willy pants...and then that person can see that they just showed the world they got to my blog via their stupif google search! Off to cringe and laugh at my own google searchers again, thankyou so much!

[alyndabear]

Penguins eat ketchup? Who knew!

I miss my Google-age searches. :-( Stupid stat counter of doom.

[Operation Pink Herring]

I think that the fifty exclamation points on that one search really let google know that she was desperate!!!!!!!

[blogging barbie]

omg. those are some seriously priceless google searches.

xo.

[TypePad Support]

Test Comment.

[elise]

Sorry to everyone who tried to comment and was DENIED! Typepad was acting all wonky but apparently the problem has been resolved.

[Cassie]

It's been a while since I laughed like that. I actually woke up the baby, but it was SO worth it. I can't believe these weirdos!

(Confession: I kind of think I have nice toes, too.)

[helen]

Pssssssttttttttt!!! Google Helen is a Nana, see if you get to my blog and see my grandson, why yes! I think you will!!!

[Picosita]

Pssh! I can totally see the importance of fixing ugly toes if possible, but as one with rather cute toes and feet, I scoff! Love the post, first thing to make me laugh today!

[Mauigirl]

Your search terms are hilarious as are your replies! I do notice, however, that ugly toes does get a lot of searching. I once mentioned my toes being ugly on one of my earlier posts and got tons of searches as a result! It seems to be an all-encompassing problem out there in Googleland.