Hair, By Extension

Have you ever found yourself wanting to look like someone else, even if the person you're wanting to look like has been compared, repeatedly, to a drag queen?  And then you feel kind of weird and ashamed because - really?  Have you been harboring the "hot tranny mess" gene all this time and somehow never noticed?  But finally you look deep within yourself, to the source of your attraction, and realize that you just like the hair.  Whew!  You just want her hair.  But then, sadly, you are made aware that Drag Queen's gorgeous curls come courtesy of some uber pricey hair extensions.  You quickly switch hair models, but every time you find a new head of hair to covet, you learn the truth: EXTENSIONS.  Every last one of them.

So what's a girl to do?  I've been waging a battle royale with my hair for...well, ever since the 8th grade; that's the first time I can remember messing with it.  The summer after 8th grade my best friend and I thought it would be a great idea to use that Clairol Herbal Essences wash-out hair dye to turn my baby-soft, thin, naturally blonde hair maroon.  We waited until the week we were going to camp, followed the simple three-step process, and voila - purplish red hair.  After 14 shampoos or however long it was supposed to take, my hair looked somewhat normal - but with a decidedly mauve tint.  No problem, I thought - I'll just highlight it!  I was always jealous of my friends who highlighted their hair.  All those different colors, and you could even do stripes!  How fun!  It was on that fateful day, as any of you who fight the good fight of hair-color maintenance know, that I screwed myself forevermore.

I've been growing my hair out now for about two years.  Yeah, I'd say either two years or the entire last decade; it all kind of runs together.  Right after college, drunk on excessive freedom, I went through a hair phase best summed up as LET'S CUT IT ALL OFF.  I met a hairstylist friend named Lily, and she and I bonded over our respective goals: she, to achieve the coveted Level 4 Stylist and I, to have as many different haircuts in a year as humanly possible.  After a series of increasingly shorter crops, I ended up with this cut.  And after that had grown out enough to do ANYTHING with, I went back to the Toni & Guy in the mall to visit Lily and her manager told me she had gone to jail.  Surprisingly, Lily is not the only hairstylist I have had who has ended up in the clink.  Is it a hazard of the job?  Hairstylists, what gives?

Now I'm stuck in this stage where I keep thinking that if my hair can just grow another inch or two, it will FINALLY look like I want.  And then it does grow - another inch or two of the fine, straight, flat hair I've always had, and I am consistently shocked.  I think I have hair dysmorphic disorder.  I look in the mirror and see potential for fat, full-figured curls, but everyone else sees the reality - sickly, stick-straight strands.  One of my really good friends, Allison, has been doing my hair for the past couple of years, and the other day as I was leaving the salon, we paused at the check-out desk to chat.  Allison pointed at a picture of a hair model hanging above the desk and said that she would love to grow her hair out and cut it like the model's, but that her hair would never do that.  I looked at the picture, looked at Allison's hair, and said "sure it would! Why not?"  Allison sighed and explained that the hair model had tons of thick hair, and that if someone with thin hair attempted that cut, it would end up looking stringy, scraggly and awful.  It was like a lightbulb of shame went off in my head, and I think Allison could see my wheels turning.  "So, is that why my hair looks stringy, scraggly, and awful half the time?" I asked.  "Half the time?" Allison replied.  "I think that's being pretty generous, don't you?"  Then I drop-kicked her and stormed out of the salon, but not before magnanimously tipping at least 15%.  What?  You don't tip?  How rude.

Really though, I am grateful to have a friend who does my hair, someone who will tell me the truth that NO, ELISE, your hair will never look like this picture you brought in.  At least not without adding in a whole lot of someone else's hair.  And I don't know, I just don't think I can get on board with the idea of a normal, non-celebrity member of society getting hair extensions.  I mean, what would you think, if the girl who works in the cubicle next to you, or the lady next door walked up one day with long, thick, gorgeous curls when just YESTERDAY she had normal, blah, mid-length hair?  I think it could be kind of awkward.

"Soo....umm...your hair looks nice today, Elise."

"Oh!  Thanks!  I...uhhh...curled it!"

"Yeah.  Okay."

or

"Soo....umm...your hair looks nice today, Elise."

"Oh, yeah...errr....it's weird, I know.  I got hair extensions.  I mean, OBVIOUSLY, I did - not like you didn't know that because clearly hair does not grow this fast overnight, and.  Yeah.  I know it seems strange, and maybe like, WOW DOES SHE THINK SHE'S A DIVA, but really, I don't!  I just...thought it would be fun?  And..."

"Yeah.  Okay."

So I guess I'm just going to have to get on board with my boring hair.  Unless you guys think I could pull off extensions.  And trust me, I can't.

Comments

[Amy C]

Whenever you think your hair is bad, just look at mine! Even thinner and flatter than you could ever imagine!

[elise]

Maybe you need to visit the Evil Hair Chiminea, Amy. I think it has sweet lies to whisper in your ears too...

By the way, Cody and I were at an Ugly Sweater party in this picture. Cody doesn't actually wear bright yellow sweaters with...shiny objects sewn to them. At least not on a regular basis. For my outfit, I will not apologize.

[Chiada]

First off, girlie, I think your hair looks absolutely gorgeous in that photo! If that's what you have to complain about then... umm... shut up? LOL Just kidding.

But really, I think you should embrace your fine, straight, blonde hair and maximize the style with a cut that works it. I was thinking something like one of these, only a bit longer:

http://www.short-hair-style.com/layered-hair-styles.html

And, you answered my questions above: What on earth are you two wearing? Is that the infamous Cody? (it is) And, he's pretty cute.

[Chiada]

First off, girlie, I think your hair looks absolutely gorgeous in that photo! If that's what you have to complain about then... umm... shut up? LOL Just kidding.

But really, I think you should embrace your fine, straight, blonde hair and maximize the style with a cut that works it. I was thinking something like one of these, only longer:

http://www.short-hair-style.com/layered-hair-styles.html

Secondly, there are lots of beautiful people with hair like yours: Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow, Uma Thurman, etc. Try looking at pictures of how they style their hair.

And finally, I was going to ask but you answered my questions above: What on earth are you two wearing? Is that the infamous Cody? (it is) And, he's pretty cute.

[Chiada]

Darn it! I thought the Internet had eaten my first comment. Sorry 'bout that.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

Wait a dang minute here! I spent this whole post commiserating and nodding my head in agreement, and then I saw that picture and oh my God woman, is that your hair? It looks beautiful and curly and fabulous to me!

[Anna]

I've always thought I was one of the luckiest girls alive. I really love my hair. It's kinda thin, but there's a lot of it. And it's naturally wavy, so I can scrunch it with lots of product and make it curly, or I can simply hold a blowdryer to it and make it straight. And when I do make it straight, I have a lovely little curl at the bottom that looks like I used an iron, but I didn't!

And I was all smug in my hair love, until I met Colette, my new coworker. She's a beautiful black woman - and I mean Bee-UUU-ti-FUL. GORGEOUS. Like, I'm covetous of her effortless beauty - with a head full of gorgeous long, BIG hair.

I love big hair. LOVE. IT. If I could have an afro, I would. I even got a perm two years ago to try and get one. (I failed.)

Anyway, her hair is fantastic. It's big and wavy and she can hardly contain it...And I stare at her hair every day and just WISH I could have it.

And then, Monday, she came in with a short, Rihanna-type 'do.

"It's a weave," she said, like we were all retarded for asking if she'd cut her hair off. Naturally, we'd ASSUMED so, but didn't KNOW.

Anyway, she totally worked it. The long, big hair, and the short hair, too.

The moral of the story? Normal people can get extensions/weaves. She rocked the shit out of that hair, and that's all that mattered.

And, personally, I think you'd rock the shit out of extensions.

[elise]

Chiada - thanks for your comment(s)! I love it when people post multiple comments because every time my comment number goes up, another angel gets its wings. Also, you and your gorgeous hair are gonna give me some advice, so I am taking to the email - watch out!

WS - HA! The Evil Chiminea clearly has tricked you as well. Either that or a flattering camera angle, because my hair is, truly, scraggly. Unfortunately. 9 out of 10 hairdressers agree - I need to cut it all off :) And yet, I refuse.

Anna - this is dangerous advice. For the first time, I am glad we don't live in the same place because I have a feeling if we did, I would be dragging you in as moral support while I got extensions :) Wait, AM I glad?

[janet]

you are crazy -- your hair looks great in that pic. But hair dysmorphic disorder?? hahaaaaa love that. you are adorable.

[Lara]

Okay, first off, your hair is gorgeous (and you are adorable!). That being said - if you are unhappy with your hair, you should check out www.whoorl.com and be a participant in her Hair Thursday thing! Seriously, it rocks.

Also, if you live anywhere near Philadelphia, email me and I will give you Francesca's number. She's my stylist and she made me love my hair again.

["antoinette"]

oh my you're so pretty.

and you have the bizarro hair problem of me - it's too thick and nothing can be done with it. But I won't show you any pictures of me in a ugly sweater to prove it.

[ashley]

Oh why not. Who cares what others think? If you want extentions go for it. I'm sure you'll look amazing.

[Laurel]

My roommate has hair extensions (that she paid $1,000 for!) and really, they need CONSTANT upkeep. They look great, but they are a pain. Me? I need simple.

[alyndabear]

Elise you crazy girl, you look GORGEOUS. I would die to get my thin, straight but frizzy hair to curl even a smidgen. Le sigh.

My hair is so bad that I have not even had the energy to go get it cut since moving to London. I'm not even joking.

Do you reckon Dallas will have a nice cheap salon where I can get a nice shampoo and trim while I'm over there? ;)

[tia]

i don't know about jail, but lots of us hairstylists have an affinity for rehab.

[Jennifer]

I think you have great hair but don't think you are the only one who has ever considered extensions as the fix to their hair problem. If only it wasn't so out of this world expensive.

[Becka]

About 9 months ago I added about 8 inches to my then-chin-length hair. So-Cap extensions have rocked my world. And the most shocked comments I got were along the lines of "Hey, did you get a haircut?"

And yeah, they were expensive — about $600 bucks for the first go-round. BUT, they were worth every penny. And I am NOT a diva.

: )

[Operation Pink Herring]

I am totally with WS - I was nodding my head the whole time (yup, dyed my hair purple/red! yup, cut it super-short! YUP, I EVEN HAD A PERM!), and then I get to the picture and I had to start waving my middle finger around. If that's what your hair looks like on a bad day, you have no business putting anyone else's hair on your head. People should be paying YOU to get wigs made out of that shit!

[Cassie]

You crack me up. How can you write a post about how much your hair sucks and then post a picture in which your hair looks that fantastic? I'm jealous of your hair!

And it's funny, because one of the girls in my office totally has extensions, and sometimes her hairstyle changes on a weekly basis. Yes, she goes to the salon every week. It's, um, difficult to talk to her about her hair, even though it always looks fantastic. It's always a little bit uncomfortable.

[Mauigirl]

Great post, I think everyone can relate in one way or another! I have the worst of both worlds - my hair is thin and fine but really really curly. So I've always hated it ever since I was in high school in the late 60's/early 70's when long straight hair was the ONLY way to wear it. (I wrapped, I taped, I did big rollers...I did everything except iron it, although others tried that too).

I have the same hair dysmorphic syndrome though. Even now I see a style and think "My hair can do that." And it does - when the hair stylist does the blow-drying. When I do it it turns curly immediately after it hits the outdoor air if there is the tiniest bit of humidity.

I also had the growing out thing for awhile...I'd been dyeing it to hide the gray for about 7 or 8 years and then decided to stop. That's a lot of fun too...but now that my gray shows everyone tells me they like it SO much better. So apparently I was walking around looking hideous for 8 years.

[blogging barbie]

ok, dudette. i seriously think you look AMAZING with shorter and both longer hair. for reals.

this post also may have come at a time where i'm considering chopping of my hair, a la gwyneth paltrow in "sliding doors."

xo, bb

[Tilly]

I think I used to have a sweater just like that from Benneton. It's the COOLEST.

Also, the hairs you've already got are PRETTY.

[Tilly]

I meant BENETTON! GOSH.

[Jen]

I TOTALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN. Although, hello? Your hair, in that pic? It is a thing of beauty!

From the looks of it the hair fairy was off on vacation sunning her thick, luscious locks and guzzling margaritas on the day I was born. No matter how hard I will my thin hair to grow thick and long so it can look like Lauren Conrad's it just won't happen for me.

Both my sisters though? Hair fairy apparently made an appearance. Biatches.