Blog Share Guest Post: Dear Mom

Dear Mom:

You’ve told me more than once that you adore a letter I wrote to you when I was in college. I don’t remember writing this letter, but you tell me it was full of apologies for being such a difficult child, teen, young adult. It doesn’t surprise me that I wrote this letter; I was difficult and I knew it. I guess that after I matured and gained some perspective, I felt the need to acknowledge it. I was probably hoping it would open a dialogue that might bring us closer.

Instead, when you talk about it you use it as a weapon in your arsenal. I wish I’d never written that letter. When you bring it up I feel bad about myself all over again. I’ve worked so hard to become a good woman and it only takes a few words from you to demolish it all.

I admit I was wantonly headstrong and willful and defied authority every chance I got. You had no idea how to help me refine those traits into something productive. I get it.

But more than that, I’m pissed off that you’ve never apologized to me. Have you forgotten that every counseling session you ever took me to ended with the counselor talking to you about parenting and we would never go back, even when I asked? Have you forgotten that you forced me out of the house a week before my 18th birthday without any concern for where I would go or what would happen to me? Have you forgotten that you slept with a boyfriend of mine and I caught you? Have you forgotten that you told me I could come home when I caught my husband cheating on me and then changed your mind the very moment I left him? Have you forgotten that you were an adult when you made these decisions?

Are you not aware that these things hurt me deeply? Can you take responsibility for them? I’ll never know the answers because you refuse to communicate in a meaningful way with me. Sure, we talk and we have a relationship, but only because I finally realized that if it was to be I had to act the way you think I should when I am with you. It was even harder to realize that sometimes it still isn’t enough.
All I ever wanted was for you to accept me for who I am. Why can’t you do that? Why do I have to walk on eggshells with you? Why do I have to tailor myself in order to have a relationship with you? I’ve been willing to do these things for a long time, but I’m not sure I’m up for it anymore. I question whether it’s worth it. It’s incredibly draining and I am running out of the will to do it.

Finally, at 38 years old I’ve reached to a point where I actually like me. Lots of other people like me, too. Why can’t you? Why can’t you let go of who you think I am and see me for who I really am? Why are you so predisposed to think that I’m an asshole? A couple years back I masochistically asked you how you described me to your friends. You replied, “I tell them my daughter is mean.” I am my own harshest critic and your words cut me to my core.

How could any mother say the things you have said to me? How could any mother do the things you’ve done to me? How could any mother not apologize for them voluntarily? I’m willing to accept responsibility for my faults and shortcomings. Why can’t you?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions and I likely never will. If I am to have peace and other meaningful relationships, I have to abandon my need for your approval and understand that the only person I have to answer to is me. I’m working on it. I still love you, but I can’t need you anymore.

Me

Comments

[Another Blog Share Participant]

I'm so sorry you went through this. With any problems I ever had with my parents, I always knew that if I ever REALLY needed them, they would be there. I'm sorry you didn't have that.

[tiff]

did I anonymously write this??
(no i didn't, but I could've.)

[Me too]

My mother never apologized either. Her mistakes weren't the same as the ones your mother made, but they were serious. An apology would have made a difference.

[Sauntering Soul]

Wow, I'm sorry you grew up this way. I want to give you a big hug whoever you are.

[lizgwiz]

Oh man, do I love my mother right now. I'm so sorry you had/have to deal with this.

[Anon]

I have called my mother on some of the mean things she has said to me, and her response is always, "Well, someone needed to say it." No, they really didn't. I am sorry you have had to go through this.

[ashley]

Oh my. This guest posting..it's truly beautiful. That was so powerful and touching.

[heidikins]

Wow, this is such a powerful post. I can relate on so many levels. Thank you for sharing.

xox

[elise]

The line "I am my own harshest critic and your words cut me to my core" is probably one of the most powerful and true things I have ever read. So well put, and unfortunately accurate for many, many women.

Thanks for posting this.

[Trudie]

My mother didn't do the same horrible mistakes as yours did - but the rest of your post could just as well have been mine.
During my mother's last year I made a couple of attempts to speak to her about all the things that had hurt me so much, especially in my youth. I gave up soon enough because she was still firm in her belief that all her doings had been for my best.
Thank you for posting this - you put my thoughts into words beautifully!

[Erikka]

Holy shit! I cannot believe a mother would do those things to her child...no wonder why you defied authority and are your own harshest critic - there was no one to show you any different and you modeled your behavior from what you were living with.

In my own way, I too have felt this guilt with my mom, but now I can say I am actually LUCKY and BLESSED that my mother has not said or done things like which you have quoted. I've been pretty hard on her...and yes, she's equally hard on me and we struggle to find and define ourselves in each others lives.

I think part of "growing up" IS accepting that we will and cannot ever make our parents completely happy, but it was NEVER our job. Our lives are our own...and hopefully we can share them and special moments with the people who brought us into this world, but if not, do not let them keep you from obtaining whatever you dream for yourself.

Thank you for sharing this...and even though she may not get it, respond how you want, or even care, think about sending this to your mom. Some day she may wake up and see what she has done...if not, maybe that could be your fond farewell to know you gave it your all before moving on.

Good luck.

[Ann]

I can feel the hurt and frustration all the way over here. I'm very sorry for what you've gone through, but you seem to be headed in the right direction. Be true to yourself and protect yourself first, because your mother seems to be incapable or unwilling to do that for you. She must be a really unhappy person to treat you so poorly.

Hang in there.

[alyndabear]

I'm sorry to hear about the mom troubles. It's not fair for you to be treated that way, and I hope one day she realises that.

[Anonymous]

I've known this person IRL since we were three and I'd like to add that she should be proud of herself for being able to make friends in the first place. She certainly didn't have role model in that regard. She's actually incredibly blessed to have turned out as regular as she did. I mean, she could TOTALLY be living the dream: teenage burnout, all grown up with a kamillion tatoos and a meth problem, blowing strange dudes at the Lynyrd Skynyrd show in the men's bathroom for a PBR, hoping her "old man" doesn't catch her so she can still ride back home to their double wide on the back of his Harley where her 8 y/o granddaughter is babysitting her 2 y/o twins.

[Dory]

You've inspired me. When talking with my boys, I am going to take a great big deep breath, breeeeeathe, and not be harsh and hurrying.

Very often I felt that everything else was important to my Mom except spending time with me. I always felt like an incredible burden, and I want my boys to feel wanted.

[Another blog share participant]

Woah. I just have to say, in case it hasn't already sunk in for you, that this is your MOTHER's fault, not yours. Don't ever let her make you feel differently.

[Mauigirl]

I can relate to this because my father and I had a difficult relationship - luckily my mom and I see pretty eye to eye, especially now that we're so much older.

My dad and I did reach a good understanding in his old age - he lived to be 92 and I'd say over the last 20 years of his life we got along well. He mellowed with age. I hope your mom does too.

[Noelle]

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you should have to get a license before becoming a mother. Sorry you had to go through all that crap!

[Anonymous]

I can understand why your mother's behavior hurts you so much. I'm glad that you like yourself, though, and that you've found comfort and self-esteem through other relationships and from your own strength. That is quite a feat. You are a very strong woman, indeed.

[blogging barbie]

honey. i am absolutely floored by this entry. first of all, i want to thankyou for writing and sharing this...i know that it couldn't have been easy.

like elise, this line: "I am my own harshest critic and your words cut me to my core" is probably one of the most powerful and true things I have ever read.

you are an amazing, intelligent and beautiful woman, with so much to offer. i know the words of other sometimes make it hard to realize that fact and believe in what we know to be true, but please...know that there are so many people who are in awe of you and your sense of strength and how beautifully you've weathered the storm.

you, are a true inspiration, and i am lucky to "know" you. please, don't ever let anyone ever tell you differently- parent or not. i know its so hard (my relationship with my dad lends to this understanding) but you, my woman are so dserving of the best life has to offer, and should be proud to hold your head up high.

love you lady.

xoxo, bb

[Valeen]

I love this idea of blogging on some else's blog. I'm sure you were able to say things here that maybe you didn't put on your own blog and maybe this 'purge' ...for lack of a better word...helps YOU out. It certainly helped me in a lot of ways. Sounds trite but these things...these are things that make us stronger and by the sound of this...you are very strong.

[Lindsey]

I can't say I can empathize, but certainly I can sympathize. What a beautiful post. It made me cry.