And All The Stuff That Comes Along

First and foremost, let me extend a very happy CONGRATULATIONS to my friend Jen, over at Operation Pink Herring, who has gone and gotten herself engaged.  Jen is my friend in blogging, crazy pet ownership, and general OCD-ishness. 

Also Jen, like me, occasionally finds herself telling accidental lies, not of her own volition, and only on RARE OCCASIONS, and only for really good reasons, such as telling the jeweler that she HAD to have her ring back and sized by today because she was having an engagement party.  Which, at the time, she was not.  But now you are, Jen!  It's not a lie!  Congratulations on being a truth-teller!  And with that, here's my contribution for you and your honey.  I was going to give advice, and then I was going to try something funny like Janet did, but then I remembered that all I can really do is tell stories, so a story is what you're getting. 

When I met Cody, I was deep in the throes of my Anti-Engagement/Anti-Wedding Movement.  This was a movement to which I subscribed heavily in the years 2001-2003, give or take.  Unsurprisingly, I have recently found myself ensconced in a similar movement, the Anti-Baby-Having Movement of '06-'08.  Both movements were founded after a whole slew of friends of mine either A) got engaged and subsequently married or B) got pregnant and subsequently had a baby.  And I was not doing either of those things, at either of those times, respectively.  You might think that these "movements" were based solely and completely on jealousy, but I'm not fond of that type of self-awareness; instead I like to wallow around in largely unexamined feelings and base my decisions on a whole lot of nothing.  It's something I've always been proud of.

Anyway!

I "met" Cody (I say "met" because we had actually known of each other for quite a long time, but had never exchanged more than a sentence or two in all that time) on New Year's Eve of 2003.  My best friend in the entire world was about to get engaged, had been moving towards that finality for quite some time, and I happened to have the exclusive knowledge that It was going to happen that very night.  I was happy for my best friend - thrilled - but I was feeling more than a little left out.  Of course I was NOT going to express that most selfish of reactions to her, nor to any of our similar friends.  Actually, I was just planning on keeping the whole horrible thing to myself, but when I found out that I would be giving Cody, an older brother of my brother's best friend, a ride to Dallas, I had a captive audience; I figured why not?  Poor Cody got the whole earful.  He and I would more than likely never talk again after the ride to and from Dallas that weekend, and we had virtually no friends in common.  If ever there was a chance for some free vent therapy, this was it.  And so I went on and on about how I just didn't understand the appeal of marriage, the whole spending your ENTIRE LIFE with the same person, the whole coming home every single night to the same thing, dinner at 6:30 and the evening news and in bed by 11pm.  It sounded so horrible to me, so boring, so unfit to my personality.  Cody not only agreed with every single point I had, but also seemed to have put thought into the subject on his own, and had well-formed opinions eerily similar to mine. 

Turned out Cody had quite the slew of friends who had either recently tied the knot or were getting ready to, and he was nowhere near being ready to do the same.  Having found that we had a lot more in common than we knew, Cody and I proceeded to make great conversation all the way to Dallas.  I dropped him off at his party, left to meet my girlfriends for an evening of New Year's salsa dancing, and found myself counting down the minutes to when I could pick Cody up the next morning.  This was not in my plan.

Cody's mother, who had always been a friend of my family, had invited me about a week prior to drive up to Houston with her to see a Monet exhibit at the museum there.  I had absolutely no intention of taking her up on this invite, but had responded with the typical "sounds fun, I'll have to see what's going on", thinking that obviously New Years Day, after a long night out, would be an excuse in and of itself not to drive to Houston.  However, after my unexpected discovery the night before, the one where I realized that spending time with Cody seemed like a very good plan and should be acted upon, I decided I would do some sneaky work and try to find out whether Cody was going to the museum.  I'm not sure if he was planning on going beforehand or if he was having a similar decision-making process as I was, but on our drive back from Dallas I managed not only to ascertain that Cody was going to Houston, but also that he was now in the position of trying to convince ME to go as well.  Me, who already wanted to go anyway.  Oh dating power play, how I miss you.

Anyway, I did go to Houston, and after we got back from Houston I managed to finagle a situation where my brother, Cody's little brother, and Cody all ended up at my parents house to watch a football game.  Where, of course, I would handily be as well, looking all cute; just a coincidence.  The football game ended, and SOMEHOW the four of us (two little brothers and their two enamored siblings) went to a movie.   About halfway through the movie I started feeling a little ballsy and also somewhat impatient.  If you know me, I'm sure this mix of emotions is not shocking, and then neither would be my next move, which was to kind of move my right arm near Cody's, put my hand near my shoulder so that my fingers were lightly grazing his arm, and move my fingers JUST A TINY BIT.  Just enough so that he wouldn't mistake it for accidental contact, or even for the "accidental" contact that everyone knows ISN'T accidental but could be explained away as such.  No, this was obvious, and I did it for the express purpose of seeing his reaction.  He seemed game.  But I still wasn't sure.

After the movie was over, I decided that the only way I would know for sure how Cody felt is if I just came right out and asked.  I had figured that I was going back to Lubbock to finish up one last class and figure out when to move out to California for law school.  I certainly didn't have time to waste wondering about some guy, and whether my crush was unrequited.  So I asked him.  "Do you just think of me as Nathan (my brother)'s sister, or what?  Because I like you, but I don't want to sit around wondering whether you like me if you're just thinking I'm a cute kid or whatever."  Cody was taken aback, this being not his style at all; in fact this being THE OPPOSITE of his style.  His style is more like, wait around for a really long time and hopefully everything will work out with no conflict whatsoever and if it doesn't then it's okay because it's taken so long I've probably forgotten what I wanted anyway.  Which, dude.  I SO don't work that way.

So I asked, and he was taken aback, but in a good way, the way where I could tell he did like me (I mean, let's be honest - I'm not THAT brave - I had a good feeling about it before I asked).  Cody told me that he had a girlfriend (! news to me) and that it was pretty much over with her and had been for a while but that he didn't want to talk about how he might feel about me or do anything about it until he had officially ended it with her.  I figured that seemed like a good plan, and he broke up with her two days later.  The day after that we met for lunch, this was around January 9 or 10, 2004.  We got engaged in early March, and married in August. 

It was just so obvious, so completely obvious right from the start, that we were meant to be together.  Suddenly I wasn't worried about boring nights at home with the same guy, over and over, like some sick sort of Marriage Groundhog Day.  I wasn't worried about how I would manage to turn my irresponsible, fun-loving self into a mature, responsible homemaker.  I wasn't worried about developing an interest in the evening news, or somehow knowing how to cook meals that were ready by the time he got home from work, or any of that.  Because I knew our marriage would be nothing like that, because WE were nothing like that.  Our relationship was like exactly no one else's, and because of that I knew our marriage would be completely unique as well.  All the little things we thought and enjoyed and spent time doing as a dating couple, well, that was the same sort of thing we'd do as a married couple.  Only it would be easier!  And neither of us would have to go home at night.

And just yesterday, more than four years later, Cody sat across from me at a Mexican restaurant, celebrating the birth of our newest niece, talking about how what our life with kids would be like, and deciding that it would be like no one else's.  That we would do our own thing, and the ways we would manage to figure out how to deal with the sleeping issues and the babysitting issues and all the things that come along would be unique to us, because we are unique.  And suddenly Cody looked at me, and started laughing, and said "this is all such an adventure, isn't it?"

And he's right.  Congratulations, Jen, and I can't wait to hear about your adventure.

Comments

[tiff]

you just managed to wrap up all my irrational fears about commitment and marriage into one beautiful story of love. I'm going to have to come back and remind myself of these later.

[RA]

This is so great, Elise! Thanks for sharing this amazingly detailed story.

I am so with you on the Anti-Baby-Having movement. Is there a march we can get in on? Oh, and my movement has no specific end date. Is that allowed?

[Audrey]

What a GREAT story! I love it!

[Operation Pink Herring]

What a great story! Thank you for telling it, and for helping with the "virtual party"!!

[Julie]

What a great story!

I have to tell you, your relationship with Cody reminds me so much of mine with Tim that I read to him (out loud) your entire post about Super Tuesday.

And he was on the floor laughing because he could not believe that there is someone just like him out there.

:)

[alyndabear]

You have a way with words, Elise, and I love hearing your stories.

Perfect meeting, perfect story. I love your adventure!

[cady]

that's a great story! i loved hearing about your adventure.

[janet]

love this story, my dear. I knew some of the details, but not all of them. Like I didn't know that you got married so quickly! I also didn't know you were supposed to go to law school, but I should have known because, SO WAS I. Until I met a boy, of course.

I hope I get to meet you and Cody someday! I mean, we just have to.

[Valerie]

I love that story.

It's funny how life changes from "terrifying" to "adventure" when it's with the right person.

[Maya]

Ha! Elise! I lived this one, for I, too pontificated to my husband about how I had Other, non-marriage plans. Eight years ago. We've been married for most of that time. Yeah for the new bride-to-be, and I'll go by and say congrats for sure. One last thing: I was gone when you wrote your baby post and must say YES! Exactly! (I am Chiada's friend who literally cannot leave the house without being asked why/when/how come I am refusing to "fulfill my duty as a woman" (gag) and spawn. Its depressing actually, what with the millions of pregnant/be-kidded friends I have. Aren't there enough people on earth??

[Helen]

It's the same when you have the kids, their poop isn't horrible, their whining ( no, wipe that one out, ALL whining is enough to drive a saint to drink, not even your own kids can do that and be cute!) The sleeless thing is awful until you have that first smile at 3am and it's all for YOU and no-one else sees it, then being awake when everyone else sleeps is a bit awesome.
I was one of those annoying people that always wanted to be married and have 37 babies that would never be as irritating as those brats at the supermarket.
I bet if or when you decide to have babies you'll be just fine, you'll look back and wonder what you were worried about and it so IS an adventure.

[rita]

People seem to say that you'll just know when that right peson comes along--and I hate to admit it, but it is absolutely true. I am gald it was like that for you too.

[ashley]

You're so cute. Congrats to Jen. And I'm so happy for you and Cody. You both sound perfect.

[Katy]

OK, so I JUST got engaged. And we've only been together about three months. And I haven't checked in in a while. And I've never heard the story about how you and Cody met. But! I loved it. And thanks for sharing,

[Laurie]

Loved the story of you and Cody! I hadn't heard all the details either before. Although I do remember my first reaction when I heard you were engaged was "wait, seriously?? I thought she was never getting married!" :) And a slightly scary thought for you, Duane and I had a similar conversation recently, about how our kids would be different, and somehow we'd still find plenty of time for sleep and laziness, and next thing you know we're looking at ultrasounds and thinking up baby names! :)

[Katy]

LOVE the baby paragraph. I've been married 5 years and am so an anti-baby having right now it's funny. To people who berate me for not wanting this "greatest blessing of life" right now, I always reply.."You know that getting prego often leads to having an infant, right? I will have a baby the minute you tell me you'll be on your way to my house each and every night to change diapers and do 2 a.m. feedings. Because I? am so not there." :)Anyways, totally appreciated your blog.

[Laurel]

What a wonderful and romantic story you two have! I'm so glad for your joy... and hope Joel and Jen will have the same!

[Claire Barrett Patrick]

Holy cow, Elise. I am addicted to your writing. I wish you'd write a novel about your life. I'd read it. Or...something fictional, I'm sure that'd be great too. *I mean, I KNOW you have so much TIME to do things like that and all...*

I love your story. It's so cute. I always kinda wondered how y'all got together. I mean, I knew you had to know him...due to Kyle and Nathan and Mrs. C. So...I just wondered. Now I know. (:

If YOU are starting to get over the "not having kids" thing...then maybe I have some hope, eventually. (:

[Lindsey]

What an AMAZING story! I can't believe how quickly you guys met and got married. You ARE brave. I love that you guys completely make your lives unique and do what is right for you!