Addendum: After reading this over, I have decided that I am
probably a whiny jerk. And should therefore be read as such. I love
my friends: pregnant, parents, and non-parents, and any implication
otherwise is the sole fault of me as a writer and poor communicator.
Also, as a person who is SCARILY good at inadvertently offending people
I like.
So, I could pretend like my New Year's Resolutions included something like "don't be afraid to write a post that might possibly, accidentally, inadvertently offend someone" but it's just not true.
I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions at all, except I think that maybe around 3:30am New Year's Day someone might have asked me about resolutions and I may have mumbled something about needing to be more scheduled or follow schedules better or some such nonsense.
I mean, I DO need to do that, but you know. I won't. Probably.
However, I have had this post idea rattling around in my brain for a while but I have held off writing it because I don't want to piss everyone off, and while I have lamentably few natural talents to boast about, I have displayed a stunning capacity to alienate people on both sides of an issue. Yay, me! I'd have been a shoo-in at debate if I could only have learned to shut my mouth before I tore down every argument possible, including my own.
But since I never learned that, and also I am either feeble-minded or naive enough to believe that this post will not be horribly misconstrued, I am pressing on! Forward progress!
(Please don't hate me.)
Okay, so here's the deal. I am about to be 27. Not old, right? I mean, I don't think it's old at all. I think it's actually pretty young, and you know, I am a business owner and have been since the age of 24 and all I ever hear in that aspect of life is OH MY GOODNESS YOU ARE SO YOUNG; A BABY; HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE COMPETENT (well, they don't SAY that as much as convey it in every other possible way), but regardless - 27 is young. Right?
Most of my friends around here are just about that same age, give or take a year or two in either direction. So, following the above logic, we're all young. And most of us are married, and have been for at least a year or two. Myself, I will be celebrating my fourth year of marriage in August. Wow, right? So I was a baby when I got married, according to lots of people and regions and cultures. And so were my married friends. And now, almost every single one of those friends either has or is currently in the process of having a baby. At last announcement (which, conveniently, was this morning) my Pregnant Friend count is 14. FOURTEEN.
I'll give you a minute with that. Yeah.
Remember that year when you got like, eleventy-million wedding invitations? Well, fast-forward a few years later, and you can replace those wedding invites with baby shower invites and you might also want to invest in some Babies "R" Us stock.
All that "young! youth!" talk up there might be confusing you into thinking that I think 27 is too young to have a baby. Not true. Not true at all. In fact, I think all the ages starting with twenty are just FABULOUS ages to have a baby. And 19! And 18! And 35! And 42 (well, that gets sorta scary). What I am trying to say is I don't care about having babies young or late or never or every year, like clockwork. To each her own, I say. If you're ready to have a baby, or if you find yourself in a position where you'd better be ready, whether you like it or not, then great! I mean, that's why you have the nine months to prepare. It's like mental purgatory.
So there's that particular bullet dodged. I don't care how old or young you are when you have a baby. It's all fine by me.
I'm just saying, I don't have a baby, and I am only 26, and that's just fine. Right? Don't you think that's probably just fine and very normal and everything? I mean, you might initially become confused about this, what with 14 of your friends pregnant, and even more of them already with child, but I mean, it IS NORMAL. Okay. It is. I am sticking with that. And of my 14+ friends who are pregnant or already with children or both, not one of them makes me feel like some kind of freak show for not having kids or not being pregnant myself. I mean sure, I get a lot of "okay, Elise, it's your turn!" and "so, when are you guys planning on starting to try?" and "your mom is SO ready to be a grandparent - better not wait much longer!" but no one points and stares or anything.
So here's the thing that bothers me. I get that when you have a baby, when you're pregnant, when you're a parent, your life changes pretty dramatically. I mean, you have someone else to think about before you make ANY decision, starting with how much caffeine is in that tea you're about to drink, moving on to whether or not you really CAN run to Target with naptime looming in the near future, and finishing your day by debating the merits of staying up past 9pm vs. sleeping as much as possible so as to be ready to wake up with a child at 6:30am or whatever godforsaken time they like to get up. I GET THIS. Okay? Parents, friends, lovely women of the world, I GET IT. Your life is totally different than it used to be, and you have this whole other thing going on, this thing that takes all of your time and attention and is wonderful and I'll never understand it until I have one of my own, but trust me, I am using all the brain capacity granted to me to take in all this knowledge and I really feel like I can say, honestly, I UNDERSTAND. And you know what? More power to ya. I think it's great. You are no longer a selfish, childless human, you are a PARENT. And therefore you are better than me. I get it.
Ahem. That was tongue-in-cheek. You got that, right? Sarcasm. Just checking. Don't want a herd of angry mommies beating down my door! Although that would never happen because they would all have to coordinate with each other about naptimes and bedtimes and bathtimes and then someone's kid would be sick and someone else's would MAYBE be about to pee in the potty and so they can't leave right now, and let's re-schedule for next week, I mean, THEY'RE BUSY BECAUSE THEY HAVE BABIES, GEEZ.
Moving on.
Or not, because that's really the gist of the post. The whole "I can't attend Activity X to which you have invited me, because I have a baby" thing. Which, again, I get it. I really do. I am not offended or upset about my friends not coming over to hang out, or going to watch an unscheduled movie, or doing any of the things we used to do before they had kids. I really, truly am not. You know why? Because I GET IT. They have all these other things to think about before they go anywhere, and if it were me, and I was having to pick between, say, watching a random basketball game with friends or grabbing a precious minute of quiet while my child napped, I'm probably going for the quiet. So I am in your camp, mommies and daddies! I feel ya. I'd be making the same choices, because for me, not wanting to kill myself because of sleep-deprivation fuels a lot of my decision-making ALREADY.
So when I ask a parent-friend, or even a pregnant-friend to do something, and they don't want to do it/can't do it because of the kid, all they have to say is "I can't! I have Baby X!" and I say, "Okay! Maybe next time!" and we all go on our way. That's the way it is everywhere. Parenting, while I know it has its pitfalls, is like the World's Best Built-In Excuse. Don't think I don't know it. And don't think I won't abuse it as well, once I'm a parent. I mean, it's positively GOLDEN. No one can question you when your reason for non-attendance is "THE CHILDREN! CAN'T WE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN??"
The thing that's not fair is that I want an iron-clad excuse. I need something for the next time I am, for example, invited to the park to watch five kids of various ages run through the shooting-water thingies and to sit with the moms of the five children and try (pointlessly) to participate in conversations ABOUT these five children and what they ate, or didn't eat, and what their poop looked like yesterday. I need an excuse for this. And I don't know, but I just don't feel like saying "Oh, I can't go! I don't have kids!" will go over as well as it should. And I say "it should" because IT SHOULD. If the opposite applies, that all parents, all over the world, can just turn down any and everything by saying "I can't! I have a kid! I don't feel comfortable with it!" and everyone has to understand, nay, APPLAUD this honorable parenting, then I need something too.
So what can I say? Do I need to get more technical ("I'd love to come, but as of right now, my oocyte hasn't met up with my husband's spermatozoon in order to start the whole fertilization process. Thanks for the invite though!")? Would a more emotional technique work better ("Oh, I WISH I could come over for baby-food making tips! But I would (sniff) feel SO left out and (sob) it would be REALLY HARD for me")? Perhaps a straight-forward plea for reason ("Well, you see, the prospect of three hours of chasing imaginary animals around the yard with a kid who is not mine sounds as good to me as bringing your kid, without any alternative forms of entertainment, along for a wild night in Vegas probably sounds to you")?
Because I get it. I know that the things I think are fun might seem just horrible to you, now that you've got a kiddo in tow. So why am I suddenly supposed to have developed in interest in all things Playskool? Or, barring that, a rich appreciation for early nights in, bedtimes that start at 8pm, and quiet evenings full of leftovers and the evening news?
It's not me, baby, just like nights out on the town until 2:30am isn't you. And you know what? We're all okay for it. It's a different life stage, and soon enough the only time I'll see late night tv is when I'm up lamenting another 3am feeding. But for now, that's not what I've got going. And I don't feel like making a hundred and fifty different excuses for it. I want one, I want it to be a good one, and I want it to be taken as valid.
you're so funny! i've been there...except not only am i without kids but i'm without a husband too (so obviously i have no life). i have a friend who is a married stay-at-home mom with 3 kids, 2 VERY large dogs, and 2 cats and she can't understand why i'm not interested in coming over after a crazy day at work (which begins at 6 am btw). i spent a good year trying to think of excuses as i can't really say "your 6 year old is as rude and obnoxious as your husband and i just don't have the patience for his tantrums". i let her order me into coming over for awhile but in april i just stopped. just say no. you're busy. good luck!
Posted by: Sarah | January 02, 2008 at 03:54 PM
Ha, this post was fantastic. It's so true, especially when we all end up at different stages compared to our friends. I haven't got to either of those stages yet - but I have a feeling the engagements/wedding phase is on it's way. (Just not for me!)
I don't think everything needs explaining - perhaps just a polite turn down. Sorry, busy. Sorry, not interested. Sorry, I DON'T WANT TO BE A BABYSITTER. Maybe not the last one but... you're one of the sweetest people, I'm sure you can let 'em down gently but firmly. Until your oocytes are ready, that is. Heh.
Posted by: alyndabear | January 02, 2008 at 04:18 PM
Amen, sister. My friends are still in the marrying-off phase (and I'm about to turn 27 too, WE ARE NOT OLD), and I swear to jebus that if I get one more "I'm sure you won't be far behind *wink wink*" at a bridal shower, I am going to shove the ugly wrapping paper bouquet down the blushing bride-to-be's throat.
Ahem.
How about "oh, I have so much work to catch up on for the business right now?" I think that owning and running a business is a great and totally believable blanket excuse to get out of things you don't want to do!
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | January 02, 2008 at 04:31 PM
i might be the only man here, and therefore probably shouldn't even get into in any conversation involved with being pregnant (well, i guess i would be SLIGHTLY involved), but i would like to voice an idea and humbly ask for its possible inclusion to your
manifestopetition:i NEVER, EVER, EVER again want to hear a pregnant woman described as "preggers", "prego" or having a "baby bump". every time i hear any of those RIDICULOUS phrases my brain physically tries to escape my skull through the ears to save itself. PLEASE ELISE, TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT STOP.
Posted by: kyle | January 02, 2008 at 05:08 PM
What do you say?
"Oh, I'd love to but I can't!" That's it. Don't give a reason. You can't. That's it.
But why is God's name would your friends invite you to hang out at the park with their kids??? Why aren't they handing them over to the men who spawned them and going out for drinks? Really! I have a kid and my non-kid girlfriends are worth their weight in gold. I would be miserable without them. Mom friends are fine sometimes but every Mom needs her time sans child or spouse. I think you're being more understanding than you need to be, coming from both a mom and a girlfriend.
Posted by: EDW | January 02, 2008 at 05:09 PM
woah, there was supposed to be a strikethrough of "manifesto". oh well, the joke was lost in HTML translation.
Posted by: kyle | January 02, 2008 at 05:10 PM
If you feel the need to explain, which you totally don't have to, just say that, as nice as they are, you don't feel like hanging out with kids at the moment. Possibly due to job-related people exhaustion. As anyone in a job requiring a lot of people contact knows (teaching, owning a clothing store), sometimes you're just tired of people at the end of the day.
However, I do agree with you that not wanting to attend an event due to lack of children should be a totally legitimate reason for not going to an event. I use my total lack of interest in make-up to skip out of cosmetics parties all the time.
Posted by: Teacher A | January 02, 2008 at 08:08 PM
Good lord, woman. FOURTEEN PREGNANT FRIENDS!?! Holy cow. Heh. =)
Sounds like you need to round up 14 UN-pregnant friends to balance things out. And I am totally with Kyle for wanting to eliminate the cutesy pregnant words. UGGGGGGH. Hated it and still hate it when people talk like that. *shudder*
Posted by: beck | January 02, 2008 at 09:38 PM
Oh boy, do I hear ya! I have totally been there, done that. My husband and I married young (22 & 23) also and waited 8 years before starting a family. During those 8 years I was basically alienated from my friends, slowly, for not having kids or caring/understanding the "what consistency was his poop like" conversations. I will always remember how I felt, and now that I am on the other end, would TOTALLY understand if a non-kid friend turned down an invitation because of the kids. As crazy as my kids act, I would never blame them, and just have horrible non-kid-envy. Then go get myself a drink.
Posted by: Kari | January 03, 2008 at 09:57 AM
Hmm...14? Am I number 14? Cause if not, it's really 15! :) Surprise! -Laurie
Posted by: Laurie | January 03, 2008 at 10:08 AM
Couldn't you use your toe as an excuse? "I'd love to come, but I have this toenail thing and I just can have a kid step on it..." I would let you off for that one.
Posted by: Andi | January 03, 2008 at 11:39 AM
*I meant to write "can't".
Posted by: Andi | January 03, 2008 at 11:40 AM
I think I'm between the wedding and baby waves of friends, but I'm just waiting for the explosion of baby-ness around me. I think your case is totally sound; I'd hate for you to get any mean feedback because of it. I just feel like different people have different stuff going on, so to weigh one excuse over another is insensitive, you know? Sure, a kid is all weighty and important because it's A HUMAN LIFE, but you know what? People have graduate classes and work and spouses and pets and yoga and errands and whatever else, so what difference does it make? You can't make it. End of story.
Kyle, my husband hates "preggers," too, but I thought it was just him. I guess I'll stop saying it now...
Posted by: RA | January 03, 2008 at 03:25 PM
ugh. I love babies, especially my niece, but I hate hanging out at playgrounds or helping babysit. I understand their want to spend time with friends - and have their own life - but give me a break. I don't want to help watch/feed/play with their kids -every- time.
Posted by: Grace | January 03, 2008 at 08:17 PM
Ohhhh, poor you! Every single one of my friends and acquaintances has popped a rugrat in the last two years - and they're in their 30s. So just wait...you'll make new, friendless kids - and you will, actually need a set of completely new friends - there will be a second wave of baby-itis. A decade from now. Mark my words. And if you are still sans bebe, as I am, it will suck then as much as it does now. - Sorry to break it to you. :o/
Posted by: c | January 03, 2008 at 10:28 PM
Holy crap, 14??? I totally understand how you feel, although my friends-with-children count is far lower than yours.
My aunt and uncle and several of their friends have monthly dinner and wine get togethers. The kids are included, but they aren't the center of the evening, so childless friends feel comfortable joining in. I hope that's what I'm like when I have kids!
Posted by: Laurel | January 04, 2008 at 11:00 AM
Okay this is scaring me because I am 24 almost 25 and I am not married yet nor do I want to have a baby in like 2 years.
And I went to 7 weddings in 2007 and I already have 2 invites for 2008 and 2 for 2009... so I am expecting babies all over the place.
Posted by: Julie | January 04, 2008 at 12:45 PM
I totally know where you are coming from. Also, I am not a person who LOVES kids either. I know I will be completely in love with my own, but I'm not one to want to hang out with kids for hours and actually enjoy it. Try being a woman who has outwardly admitted to people that she doesn't love kids. WHAT KIND OF WOMAN AM I?!!!(insert sarcasm)
Posted by: Lindsey | January 04, 2008 at 07:36 PM
Hell I HAVE six kids but still avoid having to spend time with other peoples' when mine aren't around! Just say "please don't make me" or "hmmm,now, if you had NO kids with you today would YOU like to hang out with someone elses? I thought not." Then say there is a reason you got a puppy and didn't have a baby. No need to give any excuse. Oh and Phew that I had my last baby at 41, seeing as 42 was geting up there! ( you didn't offend me a bit, it's almost impossible to offend me, I even laugh when people, like my SISTER tell me that 30 minutes with my 3 boys make her thank the Lord for her infertility.)
Posted by: Helen | January 05, 2008 at 07:50 AM
girl you just need to move to a city where hardly anyone has a baby before 30, and even that's pretty early.
And isn't Lydah a perfectly good excuse? :)
Posted by: janet | January 06, 2008 at 10:38 PM
Great post! :)
Posted by: velocibadgergirl | January 07, 2008 at 07:49 AM
Luckily I only have about 3 very close friends, two of which don't have kids. The other one does have a 4 year old daughter, but she's not too bad to be around. Plus the parents (our friends) usually invite us over around 7:30 or so so that by the time we get over there and settle in, their daughter has been put down for bed. So it works out well.
My other friend who does not have kids takes the brunt of all the "when are you going to have a baby" question from people almost everyday, including strangers. I think I've been asked that question once in 5 years.
But, like you, I don't really enjoy playing games that involve imaginary details: like playing "restaurant" where I have to order food and pretend to eat it; "race cars" where I fly my car over imaginary ramps and obstacles; etc. I like kids, but I don't jump at the chance to hang out with them.
Posted by: Chiada | January 07, 2008 at 12:03 PM
Fourteen friends?! Oh my gosh. That is crazy. My friends are all still in that getting-married phase, which seems strange enough (especially because they have all turned SUPER lame). I can't imagine how weird it will be when people start having babies!
Posted by: Virginia | January 07, 2008 at 07:19 PM
Um, I love you?
You have no idea how I've been wanting to just say what you said. I wrote a blog awhile back about blogger being a baby journal (most of my friends have blogs but don't know I have one due to the fact I feel like I have to go comment everytime a picture of the lastest feeding, or funny face is posted ya know??) Anywho- my ish with this is not being invited to crap because: "Oh, well, we figured since the kids would be there ya'll wouldn't want to be around kids.." Oh, okay, so not having a kid means I kick them for fun?? No. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I hate them, it just means I don't have them! Geesh.
Posted by: Lena | January 08, 2008 at 08:53 PM
This is good, and this is true. Too true.
Good on ya.
Posted by: Jay | January 09, 2008 at 12:23 AM
Hi Elise! I stop by here from time to time (I'm one of Chiadas two childfree/less friends, Maya) but this is BY FAR my favorite of your posts, because i live it, daily. Sometimes the gap between the Haves and the Have-Nots is too great, others we manage, some days we would jump into the others' life is a second, others we hide from it. I wrote a post that said i wanted my merit badge for NOT having them, or at least tickets to Bali. After being married 7.5 years and being among the last in our area/circle of friends, i am SICK of it!
Posted by: Maya | January 09, 2008 at 02:34 AM
Amen!! And I am 6 months pregnant. I can't fathom how it will be, but you should have a saying. We need to make one up, that way, when, in 3 months, I start talking about poop, my single friends can say (saying) and I will nod and smile :)
Posted by: Andrea | January 13, 2008 at 07:14 AM
I think this post couldn't be more true or valid. "I get it." I get it too.
Posted by: C | January 15, 2008 at 08:12 AM
ROFL...that was hilarious. I do have to say that for a child-free person, you do seem to have a good grasp on the intricacies of parenthood, and the things that become a priority/issue, so you've obviously been paying attention to your parent friends and I think that says a lot about you. And the #1 reason for inviting child-free friends over is so that they can play with your kids so you don't have to...you mean you don't enjoy that?! :o)
I too have always been told I was a "BABY" at work or as a bride and you're right, there is a total double standard about "too young to _______". I've never thought of it that way.
Posted by: Erika | January 16, 2008 at 12:03 PM
I think a similar excuse can be found in work. The women I know who have kids like me and who either work part time or not at all shoulder much of the responsibility for kid-centered volunteer stuff at school. There are many (certainly not all) moms who work full time and for whom this is an iron-clad excuse to get out of anything and everything. I can't tell you how much I would love to say "I have to work" to a roomful of stunned volunteers and then walk away. Because, at least among women, it is widely assumed that those of us without full-time jobs have nothing but time on our hands to carry out the many tasks that others are unable or unwilling to do. After 18 years...I'm ready for my turn to say " I have to work". That said, the simple fact of having children should never be the reason for not being with friends. The kids activities often get in the way, but the kids themselves? Not for me.
Posted by: AB | January 21, 2008 at 02:17 PM
I think a similar excuse can be found in work. The women I know who have kids like me and who either work part time or not at all shoulder much of the responsibility for kid-centered volunteer stuff at school. There are many (certainly not all) moms who work full time and for whom this is an iron-clad excuse to get out of anything and everything. I can't tell you how much I would love to say "I have to work" to a roomful of stunned volunteers and then walk away. Because, at least among women, it is widely assumed that those of us without full-time jobs have nothing but time on our hands to carry out the many tasks that others are unable or unwilling to do. After 18 years...I'm ready for my turn to say " I have to work". That said, the simple fact of having children should never be the reason for not being with friends. The kids activities often get in the way, but the kids themselves? Not for me.
Posted by: AB | January 21, 2008 at 02:18 PM