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January 02, 2008

Comments

Sarah

you're so funny! i've been there...except not only am i without kids but i'm without a husband too (so obviously i have no life). i have a friend who is a married stay-at-home mom with 3 kids, 2 VERY large dogs, and 2 cats and she can't understand why i'm not interested in coming over after a crazy day at work (which begins at 6 am btw). i spent a good year trying to think of excuses as i can't really say "your 6 year old is as rude and obnoxious as your husband and i just don't have the patience for his tantrums". i let her order me into coming over for awhile but in april i just stopped. just say no. you're busy. good luck!

alyndabear

Ha, this post was fantastic. It's so true, especially when we all end up at different stages compared to our friends. I haven't got to either of those stages yet - but I have a feeling the engagements/wedding phase is on it's way. (Just not for me!)

I don't think everything needs explaining - perhaps just a polite turn down. Sorry, busy. Sorry, not interested. Sorry, I DON'T WANT TO BE A BABYSITTER. Maybe not the last one but... you're one of the sweetest people, I'm sure you can let 'em down gently but firmly. Until your oocytes are ready, that is. Heh.

Operation Pink Herring

Amen, sister. My friends are still in the marrying-off phase (and I'm about to turn 27 too, WE ARE NOT OLD), and I swear to jebus that if I get one more "I'm sure you won't be far behind *wink wink*" at a bridal shower, I am going to shove the ugly wrapping paper bouquet down the blushing bride-to-be's throat.

Ahem.

How about "oh, I have so much work to catch up on for the business right now?" I think that owning and running a business is a great and totally believable blanket excuse to get out of things you don't want to do!

kyle

i might be the only man here, and therefore probably shouldn't even get into in any conversation involved with being pregnant (well, i guess i would be SLIGHTLY involved), but i would like to voice an idea and humbly ask for its possible inclusion to your manifesto petition:

i NEVER, EVER, EVER again want to hear a pregnant woman described as "preggers", "prego" or having a "baby bump". every time i hear any of those RIDICULOUS phrases my brain physically tries to escape my skull through the ears to save itself. PLEASE ELISE, TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE IT STOP.

EDW

What do you say?

"Oh, I'd love to but I can't!" That's it. Don't give a reason. You can't. That's it.

But why is God's name would your friends invite you to hang out at the park with their kids??? Why aren't they handing them over to the men who spawned them and going out for drinks? Really! I have a kid and my non-kid girlfriends are worth their weight in gold. I would be miserable without them. Mom friends are fine sometimes but every Mom needs her time sans child or spouse. I think you're being more understanding than you need to be, coming from both a mom and a girlfriend.

kyle

woah, there was supposed to be a strikethrough of "manifesto". oh well, the joke was lost in HTML translation.

Teacher A

If you feel the need to explain, which you totally don't have to, just say that, as nice as they are, you don't feel like hanging out with kids at the moment. Possibly due to job-related people exhaustion. As anyone in a job requiring a lot of people contact knows (teaching, owning a clothing store), sometimes you're just tired of people at the end of the day.

However, I do agree with you that not wanting to attend an event due to lack of children should be a totally legitimate reason for not going to an event. I use my total lack of interest in make-up to skip out of cosmetics parties all the time.

beck

Good lord, woman. FOURTEEN PREGNANT FRIENDS!?! Holy cow. Heh. =)
Sounds like you need to round up 14 UN-pregnant friends to balance things out. And I am totally with Kyle for wanting to eliminate the cutesy pregnant words. UGGGGGGH. Hated it and still hate it when people talk like that. *shudder*

Kari

Oh boy, do I hear ya! I have totally been there, done that. My husband and I married young (22 & 23) also and waited 8 years before starting a family. During those 8 years I was basically alienated from my friends, slowly, for not having kids or caring/understanding the "what consistency was his poop like" conversations. I will always remember how I felt, and now that I am on the other end, would TOTALLY understand if a non-kid friend turned down an invitation because of the kids. As crazy as my kids act, I would never blame them, and just have horrible non-kid-envy. Then go get myself a drink.

Laurie

Hmm...14? Am I number 14? Cause if not, it's really 15! :) Surprise! -Laurie

Andi

Couldn't you use your toe as an excuse? "I'd love to come, but I have this toenail thing and I just can have a kid step on it..." I would let you off for that one.

Andi

*I meant to write "can't".

RA

I think I'm between the wedding and baby waves of friends, but I'm just waiting for the explosion of baby-ness around me. I think your case is totally sound; I'd hate for you to get any mean feedback because of it. I just feel like different people have different stuff going on, so to weigh one excuse over another is insensitive, you know? Sure, a kid is all weighty and important because it's A HUMAN LIFE, but you know what? People have graduate classes and work and spouses and pets and yoga and errands and whatever else, so what difference does it make? You can't make it. End of story.

Kyle, my husband hates "preggers," too, but I thought it was just him. I guess I'll stop saying it now...

Grace

ugh. I love babies, especially my niece, but I hate hanging out at playgrounds or helping babysit. I understand their want to spend time with friends - and have their own life - but give me a break. I don't want to help watch/feed/play with their kids -every- time.

c

Ohhhh, poor you! Every single one of my friends and acquaintances has popped a rugrat in the last two years - and they're in their 30s. So just wait...you'll make new, friendless kids - and you will, actually need a set of completely new friends - there will be a second wave of baby-itis. A decade from now. Mark my words. And if you are still sans bebe, as I am, it will suck then as much as it does now. - Sorry to break it to you. :o/

Laurel

Holy crap, 14??? I totally understand how you feel, although my friends-with-children count is far lower than yours.

My aunt and uncle and several of their friends have monthly dinner and wine get togethers. The kids are included, but they aren't the center of the evening, so childless friends feel comfortable joining in. I hope that's what I'm like when I have kids!

Julie

Okay this is scaring me because I am 24 almost 25 and I am not married yet nor do I want to have a baby in like 2 years.

And I went to 7 weddings in 2007 and I already have 2 invites for 2008 and 2 for 2009... so I am expecting babies all over the place.

Lindsey

I totally know where you are coming from. Also, I am not a person who LOVES kids either. I know I will be completely in love with my own, but I'm not one to want to hang out with kids for hours and actually enjoy it. Try being a woman who has outwardly admitted to people that she doesn't love kids. WHAT KIND OF WOMAN AM I?!!!(insert sarcasm)

Helen

Hell I HAVE six kids but still avoid having to spend time with other peoples' when mine aren't around! Just say "please don't make me" or "hmmm,now, if you had NO kids with you today would YOU like to hang out with someone elses? I thought not." Then say there is a reason you got a puppy and didn't have a baby. No need to give any excuse. Oh and Phew that I had my last baby at 41, seeing as 42 was geting up there! ( you didn't offend me a bit, it's almost impossible to offend me, I even laugh when people, like my SISTER tell me that 30 minutes with my 3 boys make her thank the Lord for her infertility.)

janet

girl you just need to move to a city where hardly anyone has a baby before 30, and even that's pretty early.

And isn't Lydah a perfectly good excuse? :)

velocibadgergirl

Great post! :)

Chiada

Luckily I only have about 3 very close friends, two of which don't have kids. The other one does have a 4 year old daughter, but she's not too bad to be around. Plus the parents (our friends) usually invite us over around 7:30 or so so that by the time we get over there and settle in, their daughter has been put down for bed. So it works out well.

My other friend who does not have kids takes the brunt of all the "when are you going to have a baby" question from people almost everyday, including strangers. I think I've been asked that question once in 5 years.

But, like you, I don't really enjoy playing games that involve imaginary details: like playing "restaurant" where I have to order food and pretend to eat it; "race cars" where I fly my car over imaginary ramps and obstacles; etc. I like kids, but I don't jump at the chance to hang out with them.

Virginia

Fourteen friends?! Oh my gosh. That is crazy. My friends are all still in that getting-married phase, which seems strange enough (especially because they have all turned SUPER lame). I can't imagine how weird it will be when people start having babies!

Lena

Um, I love you?
You have no idea how I've been wanting to just say what you said. I wrote a blog awhile back about blogger being a baby journal (most of my friends have blogs but don't know I have one due to the fact I feel like I have to go comment everytime a picture of the lastest feeding, or funny face is posted ya know??) Anywho- my ish with this is not being invited to crap because: "Oh, well, we figured since the kids would be there ya'll wouldn't want to be around kids.." Oh, okay, so not having a kid means I kick them for fun?? No. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I hate them, it just means I don't have them! Geesh.

Jay

This is good, and this is true. Too true.
Good on ya.

Maya

Hi Elise! I stop by here from time to time (I'm one of Chiadas two childfree/less friends, Maya) but this is BY FAR my favorite of your posts, because i live it, daily. Sometimes the gap between the Haves and the Have-Nots is too great, others we manage, some days we would jump into the others' life is a second, others we hide from it. I wrote a post that said i wanted my merit badge for NOT having them, or at least tickets to Bali. After being married 7.5 years and being among the last in our area/circle of friends, i am SICK of it!

Andrea

Amen!! And I am 6 months pregnant. I can't fathom how it will be, but you should have a saying. We need to make one up, that way, when, in 3 months, I start talking about poop, my single friends can say (saying) and I will nod and smile :)

C

I think this post couldn't be more true or valid. "I get it." I get it too.

Erika

ROFL...that was hilarious. I do have to say that for a child-free person, you do seem to have a good grasp on the intricacies of parenthood, and the things that become a priority/issue, so you've obviously been paying attention to your parent friends and I think that says a lot about you. And the #1 reason for inviting child-free friends over is so that they can play with your kids so you don't have to...you mean you don't enjoy that?! :o)

I too have always been told I was a "BABY" at work or as a bride and you're right, there is a total double standard about "too young to _______". I've never thought of it that way.

AB

I think a similar excuse can be found in work. The women I know who have kids like me and who either work part time or not at all shoulder much of the responsibility for kid-centered volunteer stuff at school. There are many (certainly not all) moms who work full time and for whom this is an iron-clad excuse to get out of anything and everything. I can't tell you how much I would love to say "I have to work" to a roomful of stunned volunteers and then walk away. Because, at least among women, it is widely assumed that those of us without full-time jobs have nothing but time on our hands to carry out the many tasks that others are unable or unwilling to do. After 18 years...I'm ready for my turn to say " I have to work". That said, the simple fact of having children should never be the reason for not being with friends. The kids activities often get in the way, but the kids themselves? Not for me.

AB

I think a similar excuse can be found in work. The women I know who have kids like me and who either work part time or not at all shoulder much of the responsibility for kid-centered volunteer stuff at school. There are many (certainly not all) moms who work full time and for whom this is an iron-clad excuse to get out of anything and everything. I can't tell you how much I would love to say "I have to work" to a roomful of stunned volunteers and then walk away. Because, at least among women, it is widely assumed that those of us without full-time jobs have nothing but time on our hands to carry out the many tasks that others are unable or unwilling to do. After 18 years...I'm ready for my turn to say " I have to work". That said, the simple fact of having children should never be the reason for not being with friends. The kids activities often get in the way, but the kids themselves? Not for me.

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