Okay, so the U-Haul guy. First of all, let me just tell you that I dislike...err...hauling U-Hauls in the first place because they inevitably make the vehicle you're driving feel all shaky and weavy, and if there are two things I don't want to feel while hurtling down an interstate at 70+ miles per hour, those would be them. Well, to be fair, I suppose there are a LOT of things I wouldn't want to feel while hurtling down the interstate, like "extremely nauseated", or "drunk as a skunk" or "attacked by crazed cat" (which, by the by, the last of those has happened, and have I already told you about it? Let me look...no, I have not!)
***Tangent Begins***
I'm in college. Some break has occurred, maybe Christmas or Thanksgiving, because it was cold and I remember that because I remember the sweater I was wearing - pink, fuzzy, boatneck. Anyway, I was going to be away from college and my apartment for at least a week, so I loaded up my suitcase, an assortment of CD's (enough to last through a seven hour drive), and my cat, Jack. Jack was riding along with me in the front passenger seat and seemed very content to just curl up in a kitty ball and sleep. I was happy to be on the road, too. I am that kind of person who always looks forward to a long, solitary drive because you get to listen to whatever you want, sing as loud as you want, and get all that pesky thinking out of the way so that you don't have to do much of it again for a while. So all is well in the car, right?
Cue NOTHING, and all of a sudden Jack The Cat has leapt out of the seat next to mine and has somehow wound all four of his (clawed) legs around my right arm and is simultaneously shredding my arm and biting my hand. So, OUCH. And, PANIC. And, as you might have ascertained, I was indeed driving down an interstate at at least 70 miles per hour. I honestly had no idea what to do, so I just kind of kept driving and started shrieking and trying to extract my arm from Jack's claws and/or teeth. After a while, I began to suspect that weaving all over the highway whilst wrestling with a cat might not be looked favorably upon by the highway patrol, so I decided to pull over. On the side of the road, I managed to detach Jack, who was seriously pissed, and I just kind of sat there, shaking, trying to figure out what had just happened. After a bit Jack settled down and curled up again, this time in the backseat, and I decided to go on my way. I probably made it about 5 miles down the road before a black, furry object from the back of the car missile-shot himself forward and into the back of my right shoulder. He quickly wound his evil claws around my right arm again, and set to work shredding what was left of the skin there.
I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but my only response to this second unmitigated attack was to start crying. I don't know. I was just so frustrated and kind of scared and SUPER MAD about being attacked repeatedly WHILE DRIVING, I mean, geez. It was like Jack had no respect for the car or the highway, or anyone else on the road. And I had always thought he was more of a sensitive cat than that. So there I am, driving east at 70 miles an hour, crying, with a biting, clawing cat attached to my arm. I pulled over again, with the serious intent of throwing Jack The Cat, beloved pet, into the ditch on the shoulder of the road and driving off without him. After a while I decided against this plan (mainly because I shared Jack The Cat with my roommate/best friend and explaining, after the fact, why throwing your pet out into the wilderness of West Texas and then leaving him there seemed like a good idea at the time was going to be difficult, even for me). So I emptied out one of my suitcases, put Jack inside of it, and zipped it about 9/10 of the way up. Then, I put the whole thing into the trunk of my car and resumed my traveling, feeling pretty secure that Jack could not escape.
Of course about an hour later I felt bad for stupid Jack and so I got him out of the bag and put him back in the car, baiting him with small bites of a TCBY frozen yogurt I had just purchased for myself. After eating the yogurt Jack seemed to calm right back down and turn back into a somewhat pleasant animal and traveling companion. That is, until he started dry-heaving and puked up the yogurt into the cupholder. He puked up that yogurt for the rest of the ride home, about once an hour, every hour. Every time I would see a "nice" gas station I would stop to get more napkins to try and contain the situation, and so that I could go into the bathroom and try to extract pink fuzzy fibers (see? this is why I remember the sweater!) out of my shredded and bleeding arm. Pleasant trip.
***Tangent Ends***
Okay! So I don't like pulling U-Haul trailers, and this is mainly because (besides the shaking and the weaving) the last time I had to pull a U-Haul it was a less than stellar experience. I had just graduated from college and was bringing all of my belongings back east and I had rented a trailer because I had a couch, amongst other large items, and there was really no other option, especially since NO ONE FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO HELP; THANKS GUYS. Anyway. I was all packed up and planning on leaving the next morning, but, you see, I had just met Cody, and we were kind of IN LOVE, and I was sitting in my empty room of the apartment I shared with three girls, thinking about how stupid it was that I was THERE, and Cody was SOMEWHERE ELSE, where I was not. And how I could remedy that, if I would only get into the truck and start driving. You know how this goes. It's that silly stage where everything makes sense. $500 last minute plane ticket? Sure! I mean, what's money and credit card debt in the FACE OF LOVE? I just won't eat next month!
So I left town, with my borrowed pickup truck and rented U-Haul, at about 8 or 9pm. And four hours later, somewhere in the vast nothingness of West Texas, I found myself sandwiched between two relatively scary men in the cab of a truck, pulling into what could easily have been named the Rape and Murder Warehouse Complex - Guaranteed to be So Far Off The Beaten Path No One Will Ever Find Your Victim! but what I had been assured was, instead, the U-Haul regional office for that area. You see, my stupid trailer had FALLEN OFF OF MY TRUCK. On the highway. Thus forcing me to call the 24-hour U-Haul help number and wait, alone, in my broken-down state, in the dark, on the side of the highway. I waited there for AT LEAST an hour and then finally, the aforementioned scary men showed up, glanced offhandedly at the mangled trailer hitch, and told me to "hop in" with them; we were going to get a new hitch, but the office was at least 25 miles from there, and so it was going to take a while.
And look, I'm still alive today!
The result of such an incident, however, is that I have no love lost for the U-Haul people and/or the renting and pulling of U-Hauls. But last month, with the out-of-town holiday show, I HAD to rent one. Cody, being well appraised of the last U-Haul pulling scenario (he being the recipient of my frantic phone calls that evening and admonishments of "if I die, here is the general area you will find me: somewhere between Sweetwater and Abilene in the back of this scary warehouse place! Make sure they play the right songs at my funeral!") kindly went to pick up the U-Haul for me, and also made sure that he was the one to attach the trailer to the vehicle in such a way so as to ensure it would remain attached for the duration of the trip. Cody even took a day off of work just to drive with me all the way to the show, and to pull the shaky, weavy trailer so that I wouldn't have to. So see, it WAS a good idea, in retrospect, to leave so late that night from college just to see my future husband 12 hours earlier. I mean, look how nicely he turned out!
Anyway, once we got to our destination and unloaded the trailer, we needed to return it to U-Haul. It was getting late in the day, however, and so when we called the "return your U-Haul" number, they told us there was only one location open at that hour. They gave us the address, we drove around for a while looking for it, and finally I called the location number and a very nice, European-sounding man answered. He not only gave us the address, but the exact location, landmarks, and a promise that he would be waiting on us and that he was very excited to see us! Which, wow, right? I mean, that's something. I can't say that I have ever given someone directions to my store with quite so much enthusiasm. I was enjoying recounting the conversation to Cody, complete with my best Eastern European accent impression, when we pulled up to the U-Haul drop-off location.
Or, should I say, the tall, falling-down-ish shack of a building on a plot of land next to two vacant lots and several cotton fields. But whatever! There were trailers there. And a large, European man waving wildly at us and grinning happily. We pulled in and this man literally RAN up to shake our hands and welcome us to his establishment. I mean, it was like we were U-Haul royalty. I can honestly say that I have never been greeted better, anywhere. He then invited us inside so that he could "do the papers" and as we walked to the door, we were followed by no less than five dogs. The man brushed the dogs aside as he pulled open the screen door and gestured for us to come in. While he was holding the screen door open for us, a couple of cats ran out and at least one or two of the dogs came in, but he seemed completely impervious to it all.
"I have many pet," he said cheerfully, as I was trying to fend off the full-frontal sensory assault that had been unleashed as I walked through the door. It seriously smelled like...well...dirt, grease, motor oil, human smell, dog smell, cat smell, human waste, dog waste, cat waste....for at least 20 years, all built up.
"Ahh, I see...errgghh" I choked.
"Here, sit! Sit. Right here, next to me!" he grinned widely, as he pulled a rusty metal folding chair next to his desk. "I need do papers now. You give me information, I type in box, we finish quickly! I learn about you some as well!"
I was still holding my breath and trying to sort of talk through my nose. "Okay! Bhat d'ya deed be to get?"
He looked at me strangely "Just yourself, lady! Come sit down, and you too, sir. You such a nice looking couple. You cannot be married yet, are you?"
We assured him that we were, and I tried desperately to think of an excuse so that I could go back outside. However, at the rate my brain cells were dying in there, I was having a really tough time. I finally thought of my cell phone, and gave some horribly convoluted reason for why I had to go get it right then, and dashed out of the room, sacrificing Cody to the stench.
About 15 minutes later, after I had texted everyone I could think of and wasted as much time as possible, I began to get a little curious about what could possibly be taking so much time inside. I crept back in, with no short of three dogs and a cat following, and they all slunk through the door with me as I rejoined the conversation.
"So, young man, this is why American government CANNOT BE TRUST. They will tax and tax until you have nothing! I have a man, and I not racist, you understand, he work for me three months and he cost me at least 35 thousand dollar. And he STILL not as big of thief as government!"
U-Haul man turned to look at me. "Hello! You come back. I not racist, okay? I just have this man, he work for me, and he take everything not nailed down! He even take my clipboards! Just like this one!" He looked around for his clipboard to accentuate his point and could not find it. "You see? They never where I put them!"
And he laughed uproariously.
I glanced at the computer screen to see how much of the form they had completed, and didn't even see the form at all. I saw some weird email. U-Haul man saw me looking at the email and decided to read it to me. It was some joke about a man wanting the pharmacist to give him poison so that he could kill his wife, and the pharmacist not wanting to until the man explained something and then haha! He did want to give him the poison after all! Laughs all around!
Next we were treated to some very sound marriage advice because U-Haul guy and his wife have been married for over 40 years and "we never say one bad thing to one another. Not one bad word at any time; never! She is angel, and we decide long ago that we not ever say one bad word, no matter what." Which is admirable, and very good advice, I'll give him that. But if that's the criteria for staying married, then Cody and I are, shall I say...screwed?
After that U-Haul man regaled us with a hilarious (to him) story about a woman who rented a U-Haul from him, declined to purchase the insurance, and ended up rolling the U-Haul into a ditch and dying. And still having all the bills from the U-Haul! And to think, all she needed to do was just buy the insurance! Wowee! That is funny! Thanks for the lesson on what great peace of mind a $25 temporary insurance policy can buy me and my family.
All this, and we were no closer than when we had first arrived at doing any of "the papers". You know when you travel to some areas in Europe, or Latin America, or the Caribbean, and you try to accomplish some sort of transaction with the locals, and it takes forever and a day? And then you get laughed at for being such a stupid American tourist, because don't you know? You're on Island Time. What's the hurry? Well, that's what this U-Haul office was operating under. Island Time.
Eventually we managed to detach the U-Haul, sign all the necessary papers, and promise U-Haul man that we would be back on Sunday to rent a trailer for the trip back home. Have you ever gotten to the point with someone, a really talky person, where you are honestly scared to ask even one question about anything because you know that if you do, you are sentencing yourself to at least ten more minutes of conversation? Well, I had a somewhat important question to ask him about pickup times on Sunday, and what time he was available, and I truly could not decide which was more important: knowing for sure that I could obtain a trailer for my trip back home, or getting out of there, right then. I opted for the safe play, and after hearing another story of how hard U-Haul man works and how the government bleeds him dry for every penny, he assured me that he would be there for me anytime, morning, noon or night. He lives on-site, you see.
The obvious thing to do, you know, would be to rent a U-Haul from ANY OF THE OTHER LOCATIONS for my trip back home. But I had promised Eastern European man I would be back, and honestly, how could you pass that up?
oh my gosh your cat tangent story cracked me up! i know it was horrible because i went thru something similar and considered throwing my cat out of the window as well. i ended up stopping at a walmart and buying a plastic carrier (he shredded the cloth one i had that's how he got out in the first place). not a fun experience. at all.
Posted by: michelle | December 05, 2007 at 04:16 PM
Oh. My. God. That is the best story, ever. Period.
The cat tangent scares the life out of me. I happily allow one of my cats to ride in the car without a carrier because he's a mean one (mr. grinch) when he is forced to do things he doesn't want to do, and something he NEVER wants to do is ride in the carrier. one time he managed to claw the carrier open while I was driving on the highway, and before I could pull over and put him back in his cell he'd curled up on the passenger seat and gone to sleep. So now he rides with no carrier. And now I'm scared he's going to flip out and claw my face off for no reason at 70 (or 80)+ miles per hour.
Posted by: Operation Pink Herring | December 05, 2007 at 04:30 PM
Hilarious! I remember Renée Zellweger having an identical cat story traveling across the country in her Kenny Chesney days.
My college roommate and I used to promise to play certain songs at each other's funeral whenever we thought we were going to die...which was often.
Posted by: Tina | December 05, 2007 at 06:17 PM
That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I actually had to stop mid way because I was crying with hilarity! WOW!
Posted by: Andrea | December 05, 2007 at 06:20 PM
HA! Sorry to laugh at your suffering, but BWAAHAHAHAHA!!
I actually know that pharmacist joke...the way I heard it, a woman goes to a pharmacist and asks for some substance that would kill her husband (can't remember what). The pharmacist is appalled and says he can't and won't and she doesn't even have a prescription. The woman reaches into her purse and produces a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, "Will that be the 25 mg or the 50 mg tablets, ma'am?"
Posted by: velocibadgergirl | December 05, 2007 at 07:00 PM
This has nothing to do with this entry at all, but I just read your comment, and I must now point out that not ONLY did you also miss Halloween because you were working in California (THE NERVE, I SAY), but ALSO, you have my middle name! I am Leigh Elise! Which, when I was angsty and in high school, I combined into one really long name, i.e., Leighelise. Sure, it's redundant, but to a sixteen year old, it is also "ironic." This, of course, was before we learned what "ironic" meant.
But, yes! See, we are possibly the same person. The end!
Posted by: Miss Doxie | December 05, 2007 at 11:18 PM
Michelle - I'm sorry that you have a similar cat story. I'm sorry for ANYONE who has a similar cat story!
OPH - I would tell you not to be scared, because Jack The Cat (RIP, now) was INSANE IN THE BRAIN. He could not be trusted under any circumstances, although (obviously) the car thing was unexpected, even for him. However, reading other people saying that they have/have heard similar cat stories makes me wonder if it's just something in that feline nature that clicks over occasionally and makes them ATTACK! Yikes...
Tina - What is the Renée Zellweger story? I'd love to hear it :)
Andrea - I'm so glad someone "gets" me ;) Thanks!
VBG - Thanks for the joke clarification; I'm sure that was the punch line because I honestly cannot imagine what else could be there. I was too busy trying not to breathe and still exist to pay all that much attention at the time!
Miss Doxie - HOLY FREAKING COW, MISS DOXIE?!? I had to rub my eyes a couple of times to make sure that was the name, and it wasn't Miss Moxie or something equally charming and cute but still not the ATL Original. Wow. It's you! And, guess what. You'll never believe if, but MY MIDDLE NAME IS ELISE, TOO. Not my first name! Middle! How about that?
Posted by: elise | December 06, 2007 at 12:41 PM
U-haul reminds me of moving which I just HATE and therefore I avoid at all cost. Such a funny story! My hubby's from Abilene, so I have a vivid picture of West Texas....
Posted by: Ashlie | December 06, 2007 at 01:44 PM
Wow. What an adventure!!! Clearly, there is never a dull moment when a U Haul is involved.
Posted by: Lindsey | December 06, 2007 at 08:35 PM
okay, we were so clearly separated at birth. Psycho cats aside (I have one too), I met Andrew right as I was graduating college, and my departure from college was a long drive across Texas, include the vast craphole of WEST TEXAS to go be with this stranger man I just met but was apparently destined to marry. Except my journey went from New Orleans to Denver to VERMONT in a Saturn filled with my life's posessions. Thank the god there was no Uhaul involved!
Posted by: janet | December 06, 2007 at 10:09 PM
HILARIOUS story! Swung by your blog today for the first time - and I'm so glad I did! Upon graduating from college, I too endured a drive across West Texas - actually a 3-week drive from Houston to San Diego, Long Beach, Vegas, the Grand Canyon and back to Houston - WITH MY GRANDPARENTS! At one point, I remember having to pee, it was at night, and I could see Albuquerque (did I spell that right?), anyway, I thought, cool, it doesn't look too far I'll just hold it instead of pulling over and waking everyone up. Well about 2 HOURS LATER, we still weren't there, and to be honest, it didn't appear as if we'd gotten ANY closer. Damned desert! I ended up peeing on the side of the road .....
Nice intro for a first-timer to your blog, huh? - Sorry about the visual. I look forward to checking back .....
Posted by: Kalamazoo Mom of 2 | December 07, 2007 at 03:34 PM
Hilarious!!! But also kind of scary, seeing as how I may well be renting my own U-Haul this weekend. I'll be dispatching AS to deal with all U-Haul related business.
Posted by: Laurel | December 10, 2007 at 07:38 PM
hilarious. That was the best story ever. hahaha.
I looked at the length of the post and thought I'd read it in installments, but couldn't swing away from it.
Posted by: ana | December 11, 2007 at 04:20 PM
Nothing more persuasive than an Eastern European. Nothing.
Posted by: AB | December 11, 2007 at 09:05 PM
i read this a couple days ago and had to scurry off somewhere. i just wanted to let you know this post was HILARIOUS! it was all i could do to not bust out laughing in my cubicle.
Posted by: steph | December 11, 2007 at 11:42 PM