The Evil Mommy Brigade

As you probably know, I don't have kids.  I'm not planning on having kids anytime soon, and if, perchance, you see a post from me anytime in the near future detailing my pregnancy, just trust that it will have taken me a couple of months to get over the wanting-to-throw-myself-down-the-stairs syndrome and come to grips with my brand new life.

Because having kids?  THAT IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WORLD.  And, as I found out a couple of weeks ago, one in which I am apparently not all that welcome.

Don't get me wrong, now.  I actually like kids quite a bit.  I enjoy spending time with them, getting to hear the super-honest and hilarious things that come out of their mouths on an hourly basis, and having the chance to see the world through their eyes.  I mean, it's awesome, to be taken out of my normal routine just to stare up at the clouds as an airplane flies by, and get to spend the next 15 minutes explaining that yes, there are things called airplanes, and someday, you can fly in one!  Way up there!  And it's not scary at all!  I think that sort of thing is awesome.  I don't know about you, but I take so much for granted, that I honestly forget how amazing the world we live in really is. 

So, it's not kids that give me the willies.  It's the complete and total life change, including little-to-no sleep, super-early nights in, extremely limited flexibility, and HAVING TO DEAL WITH OTHER MOMMIES.  Oh my gosh, I am NOT ready for the Mommy Brigade.

A few weeks ago one of my best friends called me, wondering if maybe I could watch her 2 1/2 year-old for a day because due to a last-minute event her normal childcare provider had to attend, she was kind of at a loss.  Because I have a ridiculously flexible schedule, and also because I have quite a soft spot for the kid in question, I was more than happy to do it.   

So I get to their house about 7:30am.  Which, first of all, wow.  I don't remember the last time I got ANYWHERE at 7:30am, unless it was an airport where I was planning on boarding a plane to sleep, or home after being out all night.  But that's okay!  7:30.  Getting up early is good for your character.  Or something.

Me and my 2.5 year old partner, who will henceforth be referred to as Little Miss (LM), watched a show about sunny spider patches, got a quick snack, went outside, played on the fort, swung on the swings, played some game where I carried a Dora umbrella up a ladder and then threw it down so LM could run around with it and do something that also involved the cat, played in the sprinklers, got super wet and muddy, went inside, took a bath, started a load of laundry, and got re-dressed (me in a shirt borrowed from LM's mom, and LM in an Ariel costume).  After all of this, I looked at my watch and it was 9:15. 

NINE-FIFTEEN.  AM.

So, after searching the premises for some kind of wormhole time-continuum loop that I might have inadvertently gotten caught in, I checked my watch against all the house clocks and came to grips with the fact that it really wasn't even ten o'clock yet.  And I kind of started to panic.  Right about that time, my sister-in-law called me to see if I wanted to meet her and my nephew for lunch.  I most certainly did.  I wanted to know if they wanted to eat maybe at 10:30am, or was that too early?  She laughed and we made plans to meet at noon. 

LM and I took turns painting, I braided her hair, we played outside a little more, and about 11am, we started getting ready to leave.  I knew this was going to take a while, since getting a carseat into my car normally takes me about six hours and three downloaded internet manuals and instead of getting dressed, LM wanted to run around the backyard naked.  I finally wrangled the carseat into my car and LM into actual clothing and we left for Chick-Fil-A.

Upon arriving at Chick-Fil-A, my sister-in-law and I selected a table directly in front of the little play area so that if LM decided to play, I would be able to watch her very easily.  Also, because LM is what you might call a finicky eater (if you wanted to seriously downplay things), I figured she'd probably end up spending significantly more time in the play area than at the table eating anything at all.  So once LM looked at her chicken nuggets and started to give me cry-face at the horrible, awful thought of having to put them into her mouth, we headed to the play area. 

Now would be a good time for me to describe this play area.  The room consists of two big slides, big climbing stairs that go up to the slides, a wall with blocks and pictures and wheels and other tactile-response things all over it, and a small bench.  LM is too small to make it up the climbing stairs to go down the big slides, so she had to entertain herself with the wall o' objects or by climbing up the inside of the slide and sliding down that way.  I sat in the play area watching LM play for quite a while, and then headed back out to sit at the table, eat the offensive chicken nuggets, and watch the kiddies play.

There were about four or five kids besides LM in the play area, two of whom seemed to be siblings, a fact I gleaned from watching one mother run in and out of the area about as much as I did, always talking to the same two kids.  This mother was sitting with several other mommies and their children at a table near mine, but with not quite as good of a vantage point in relation to the play area.  I would say that about every three to four minutes either she or I would go into the play area to check on the kids, me because I was nervous about the protocol of whether I needed to be in there the whole time or if it was okay for me to just watch, and her because one of her two kids kept screaming.

And when I say screaming, I don't mean screaming and crying.  I just mean SCREAMING, at a really high pitch, just screaming about whatever, and then running around some more and playing.  At one point, I was sitting on the play area bench and this mom comes running in to address the screaming and she asks me, in a super-snippy tone, if the little boy is screaming because he is upset, or what the deal is.  I am kind of at a loss, as I have no idea what her kid is like or what he does when he's upset, and I just say something intelligent and helpful like "umm, I think he's not upset?  He seems to be ok?"  She wonders out loud why he keeps screaming, gives him a half-hearted "stop making so much noise", and then leaves the play area.

At this point, I'm a little wary of this particular mommy.

Pretty soon, I'm making another round trip, Table to Play Area and back, and the mommy is walking in because (guess!) her kid is screaming again.  I pause to see what's going on, and as the mom pulls the screamer out of the slide, she sees her little girl behind him, and apparently the girl is actually crying.  Not just screaming incoherently about nothing.  So she grabs the little girl, asks her what's wrong, and since the little girl is A) crying too hard to talk and B) only about 2 and therefore not super-advanced at linguistics, the mom decides that the best approach is to assume what might have happened.  As the door is closing behind me, I hear the mom saying "oh my gosh, it looks like someone bit your finger.  Did someone bite your finger, sweetie?"  The girl responds with "waaahhh!" and I think to myself that they had better not blame LM, as the screamer and the crier were both in the slide and LM was playing by herself on the other side of the area at the wall o' objects. 

I sit down at the table, and sure enough, about one minute later, the mommy sticks her head out of the door, points to LM, and asks me if "that girl" is my child.  I tell her that she's not, but that she is with me, and is there a problem?  We proceed to have the following conversation:

Evil Mommy:  "WELL, I just thought you might want to know that YOUR LITTLE GIRL is going around BITING OTHER CHILDREN."

Me: Is she?  Wow, okay...I mean, are you sure?

EM:  OF COURSE I'm sure, I mean, look at her finger! (shows me the finger, which looks completely normal, maybe a little bit red, and shows no bite marks whatsoever)

Me:  Uhhhh...

EM:  I mean, I just thought you should KNOW, as a MOTHER.  I know that I, as a MOTHER, would want to know if MY CHILD was going around BITING OTHER CHILDREN.

Me (getting frustrated by the accusations):  Okay, sure, but like I just told you, she isn't my child, and of course I would want to know if she was biting people, but that would be REALLY out of character for her, and wasn't she down on the ground playing by that wall? 

EM:   Look, I'm not trying to pass judgment on you, but if MY CHILD was biting, I would definitely want to know so that I could do something about it.  I mean, she almost broke the skin here.

Me:  Okay, of course, if she bit her, then I am so sorry.  I just don't see how she could have, and it's really hard for either of us to know considering that neither of us were in there when it happened.

EM (looking incredulous):  IF she bit her?  Honey, did that little girl bite you?  (crying girl says nothing)  See, THAT little girl, right there (pointing at LM) - do you see her?  Did she bite your finger? (crying girl still says nothing, just sniffs and wipes her nose and kind of buries her head in her mom's chest)   

Me:  LM, let me ask you.  Did you bite this little girl?  You know that biting is wrong, don't you?

LM:  I didn't bite her.

Me:  Well, do you see how sad this little girl is?  Can you tell her that you're sorry she's sad?

LM (shyly):  I'm sorry you're sad.

Me (looking pointedly at EM):  Well, I don't know what else you want me to do here.

EM:  Hrumph.   You might want to keep an eye on her, if she's going to bite.  Things could get really nasty once she does break the skin on someone.  I'm just saying, PARENT TO PARENT.  I'd want to know that.  If I were you.

EM exits to the bathroom, with crying girl in tow.  All the other mommies at the table give me condescending looks and commence to AUDIBLY whisper about me and LM.

Now for me, the problem here is not whether or not LM actually bit the little girl.  I mean, regardless of the fact that it would have had to be a super-ninja bite, requiring LM to run up inside the slide, bite the girl, run back down out of the slide, avoid displacing the girl and her brother from the slide, and then stand at the wall on the other side of the area playing by herself, I will still give consideration to the possibility that LM did bite the girl.  I'm just wondering who, in their RIGHT MIND, approaches problems the way Evil Mommy did?  I mean, does that work with ANYONE?   

In my mind, kids are kids, and if you and me both decide to let them play, relatively unsupervised, then we kind of need to be prepared for what happens.  And if I think your kid hit or bit or screamed at mine?  Well, I might bring it to your attention.  That I think it MIGHT have happened.  But accusing probably-innocent toddlers of things they can't possibly defend themselves from, and other parents of bad parenting?  When the very reason the situation occurred is because you and the "bad parent" made the exact same choice to watch from afar?   Really?  This what mommyhood is all about?

I'll continue to take a pass, thanks.

Comments

[Chiada]

Geeeeeeez... I am not a mommy and, after reading this post, am thankful that I am not a mommy, even though sometimes I have mommy urges. How horrible. I'm completely with you on this one, too.

Also? "NINE FIFTEEN". LOL. I totally know what you mean. I had to babysit my nephews about a year ago who were 5 and 1.5 at the time. I only had to watch them for a few hours, but I swear, the time just creeped.by. Game after game after game. After story after story after story. And they had to be made up games and stories! Like, involving mini toy cars and motorcycles and blankets and pillows in the living room! After that, I had to play "restaurant" and order food. Gaaaaahh!!! Burnt me out in about 30 minutes, I tell you that. And I love like kids, too! Especially ones related to me. But this was just about enough for a year's worth of babysitting. Oi.

[molly murphy]

I don't really like cutesy blog conventions like fake laughs and smiley faces.....but i really need to cue the evil laugh track right now. There was one main problem here. (Besides volunteering for child care-sucker.) You went to a place where people who don't want to look after (or cook for)their children take them. I know. I have a six year old girl. And I sometimes don't want to PLAY ANYMORE. However, I know that evil Moms go to food/playland combos. And rarely do evil parents begat polite children. So next time take her to some yuppie communal group effort park and parents will apologize to you while offering your kid a whole grain organic snack. Non-evil mommies unite! Or NEMU for short.

[Operation Pink Herring]

In my experience, "I'm not passing judgement" usually means they are about to, in fact, pass judgement. Much like "no offense", which 99% of the time means that the person is about to say something offensive.

[ana]

Gosh! that was a horrid encounter...Even though I am no where near to being a mom any time soon, I can tell it is a crazy nerve wrecking job...the screams specially, its hard enough for me to put up with the airplane kids I encounter while travelling...they make it so damn impossible to make me wanna have a kid...Let me add, I don't hate kids, I love them, but only as long as they are someone else's kids, and I don't have to watch over them....:)

[EDW]

Oh, my. That woman is things too nasty to type on your pretty colored site. I'm a mom and obviously we are all NOT like that, and Lordy, is anyone every prepared for those super crazy people? Yes, there are some people who use parenthood as an excuse to act insane. But most moms I meet are pretty nice!

TV. That's how you kill an hour or so with a toddler. I also meet friends for lunch at 11:30am - there's no shame in eating early to escape! :-)

[elise]

Just to be clear, I have lots of friends who are mommies, and they are lovely, wonderful people. So believe me, I am not at all saying that ALL mommies behave like this awful woman did! I mean, if that were true, her horrible behavior wouldn't have shocked me so much.

I'm all for the Non-Evil-Mommies-Unite idea :) Let me know where NEMU meets, and next time I am babysitting, I'll be sure to go there, instead.

[velocibadgergirl]

Dude, what a serious biatch. I have a feeling karma is gonna bite HER one day soon.

[Nina]

I'm a mommy, and I take my kids to those types of places (not because I don't want to cook or whatever, but because in the town we live in, they don't exist, so it's like going to Disney land for my kids...lol). Thankfully, I've never encountered anything like this, because while on most days I would have some smartass and rude remarks to give back to the lady, my luck is, she'd talk to me like that on the PMS day of mine where I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'd just be sitting there crying while she yelled at me.

Also, in general, the only other mommies I deal with are related to me, so if our kids fight, we just let them sort it out on their own. I don't take my kids to other kids' birthday parties (and we only invite relatives to ours), to play dates, nor are they in any sports or anything. The mommies "compete" too much.

[Dory]

I've met these horrid evil mommies, and I've told them to stick it up their ass, after they've removed the corncob.

In my head.

I'm a chickenshit.

There's nothing you could have said to this biotch. She wouldn't get it. Her kid's an angel and your kid's a demon.

[Laurel]

OMG... Thanks for the daily birth control reminder. I am never having children ever!!!

How did you resist the urge to tell that mom how ridiculously messed up you predict her kids will turn out?

[alyndabear]

I must say, being a teacher has made me VERY wary of mums. I've seen how irrational some can get.. and it's damn scary. Thankfully, they're only a select few. ;)

*giggling at Dory's comment*

[wordgirl]

Well...there will be moments like that one, but they're not ALL like that. And there will be days where the time moves slowly...like a glacier. But there are other days too and those are what make the experience of children worth it.

[Helen]

See now, here's where you look HORRIFIED and say "OH SHIT!!! You're so right..LM come here, do you know how to gargle....ack ack what can you have caught?? SPIT SPIT!!" And run away, quickly. That's shut her up. I got me six kids, I know all the tricks.

[Lena]

Ugh. I loathe those types of mommies. I want to be a mommy one day - but I want to prove that insane and mommy doesn't necessarily go together.
I like that you said it would be out of character...but I would've thrown in a "..unless your child provoked her.." that would've resulted in a chicken nugget food fight!

[She Likes Purple]

I found you vid alyndabear.com. I'm not a mom yet, but I hope to be. And honestly what scares me more than anything (including that no-sleep thing) is other moms.

[Jamie]

I'm a nanny so I deal with this kind of stuff all the time! It's ridiculous. Some moms are crazy and think they know everything and like to tell you how to parent/do your job, you know because obviously they are the best mom in the universe!

I love the kids I nanny for but at the end of the day, I give them back! That's as close to mommy as I want to be for a long long time.

P.S. found you via alyndabear :]

[Jamie]

I'm a nanny so I deal with this kind of stuff all the time! It's ridiculous. Some moms are crazy and think they know everything and like to tell you how to parent/do your job, you know because obviously they are the best mom in the universe!

I love the kids I nanny for but at the end of the day, I give them back! That's as close to mommy as I want to be for a long long time.

P.S. found you via alyndabear :]

[Michelle]

you are too funny. 9:15 and thinking you got stuck in some sort of time warp.

and that mommy was definitely evil. i have a lot of friends who are parents too but i hate the kind of parent who thinks there child has done no wrong. or exaggerates.

[brandy]

The next time I feel the urge to have a child, I am going to come back and read this and give myself a moment to ponder if I too am ready to face other moms. And when I come to the conclusion that no I'm not (because I will come to that conclusion), I will sleep late and brush my teeth with a bottle of gin. Because I can. Because I don't have kids. Yet.

[Nola]

Sounds, at least, like LM is an endorsement for having children: plays well alone and with others and is honest. That, or she is quite the ninja and anyone knows how cool a child-ninja is! You are a good friend to have babysat and been so diligent in your watch. Do you live in the NOLA area? Just askin'....

[Kristie]

Ack, the dreaded bitchy mom's. Maybe that mom needs some vodka or a special pill to calm her down. Just a suggestion for her.

(And, HI!, just found your blog today.)

[Meredith]

Wow - super yuck.

I am a mommy and I have never run into another mommy like this I am glad to say. The worst I have experienced is when in a large enclosed outside mall my son was running around and another toddler started to play with him and when my son stopped and picked up some wood chips from a planter, the other mom yelled to her kid not to do it too because it was "dirty" and then whisked her son away quickly. I was left thinking "what is so bad about wood chips?" I mean it wasn't like I was going to let him eat them and i was well prepped to wash his hands afterwards. He was only 20 months at the time.

Please know most moms are not like this horrible lady - sorry you ran into someone like her. We aren't all like that at all!

[Andrea]

Holy man! I am 3 months pregnant and this story just scared me ;-) don't know what I just got myself into!

[Lindsey]

WOW and you still had the entire afternoon left! LOL

I can't believe the evil Mommy--that is insane. I'm sure LM didn't bite her! Even if she did, I don't think I would ever approach the situation like that...especially if my kids were being crying, screaming brats!!