An Interim: Quick Thoughts On Marriage*

It's tricky, taking two people who have lived their entire lives being single, and then smashing them together into one shared life.

One of the concepts that I really had to work hard on getting, especially in the first year or two of being married, was this: every decision that either of us makes, as an individual, affects both of us, as a couple.  Sounds obvious, but it really is pretty complex.  Every single decision you ever make, from now until the day you die, not only affects you, but also affects your spouse.  And therefore affects your marriage. 

Now, I'm not sure how, say, what you eat for lunch today affects your Mr. or Mrs., but it certainly could.  Let's say you and your significant other have plans to go out to dinner tonight because maybe you haven't been out together in a while.  So you both leave the house for work and to go about your daily business.

You're working away, and then it's lunchtime, and you're still working, and it gets later and later, and finally around 2pm, you get a break, and think, yum, what I want for lunch is Super Tasty Lunch Product That Always Tastes Good At The Time But Later Makes Me Feel Bloated And Awful (But Man Is It Worth It!).  Well, okay, so you decide to eat that.  YOU decide that.  It seems to have nothing to do with your spouse.  But all the while, Mr. X is over at his job, not eating a big lunch so that he won't be full for dinner, making plans to get off early so he can put gas in the car or pick up flowers or just do something nice for the date (he's very thoughtful, isn't he?).  And then you come home, he's all ready to go, and he asks where you want to go eat.  And you say "ughhhh, I don't know, I'm not even hungry because now I feel bloated and awful because I ate Super Tasty, Etc for lunch".  And he is outwardly understanding, but inwardly disappointed, because he was looking forward to this evening with you, enjoying dinner and wine and whatever, and now you don't even really want to go.  All because of a decision YOU made.

So obviously, if that tiny decision that YOU, as an individual, made can affect someone else that much, then you can certainly imagine how bigger decisions can affect the other person a whole lot more.  And that really is a hard concept to grasp, because humans are both inherently selfish and also (especially as newlyweds) inherently used to making our own decisions and really only considering how they affect OURSELVES. 

But the reality is, every decision either of you make, for the rest of your lives, is going to affect the other person.  So you not only have to consider A) is this decision good and/or something I want, but also B) is this decision good for my spouse.  And sometimes the answer to A) is yes, and B) is no, and you just have to give up what you want.  Actually, lots of times that is the case.  But I also think that as time goes by, that A) and B) match up more and more.

Thoughts?

*okay, Spelling Nazi, I fixed it :)

Comments

[Laurel]

Very true, and well put. Especially because I'm often someone who, say, gorges herself on a giant lunch and foils her boyfriend's plans of romance!

I think the benefits of having a partner far outweighs the occasional self-sacrifice, though.

[Teacher A]

Every morsel of food I put in my mouth has a potential consequence, as I frequently develop lingering breath of doom. This is a very effective way to foil romance. Some days, though, I just have to be stinky and eat all those foods I normally avoid.

[Dory]

It gets even worse after you bust out a couple chillinz!
12 1/2 years later, I find that A & B really do match up more. And sometimes I can consider B before A. But that's on a really good day. ;)

[alyndabear]

Thoughts... I still have a lot to learn about coupledom, despite being in a relationship for five years. ;)

[ana]

Hi, Got here through twenty something's community....

Thoughts, yes indeed every choice you make affects 'both' the people in a relationship, but also, considering you are in a relationship (for love), when A is yes and B is no, you will analyse and then give up what you want. And similarly everytime your partner runs into these A or B choices, he'll give up what he wants for you. And in the end, that's what's love and marriage. If it weren't so, people would just drift....

[Michelle]

very well put. i think this is the same for any couple, not just married ones. the more you think about the other person the more committed you are to the relationship. in my opinion :)

[elise]

Michelle, I totally agree. I just used marriage because this whole post came from a convo I had been having with a good friend of mine who happens to be married.

But you're totally right. This is just the same for any committed relationship.

[elise]

Michelle, I totally agree. I just used marriage because this whole post came from a convo I had been having with a good friend of mine who happens to be married.

But you're totally right. This is just the same for any committed relationship.

[elise]

Except that with marriage, there is a sense of permanency that accompanies it more than just a dating or living together relationship. Not that all marriages are permanent (obviously, and usually unfortunately), but they are set out to be that way.

So, when you are looking into your future and seeing static, as far as who you're with, then it tends to make that whole A) B) decision thing a tad different, I think. Because you don't really have the option of C) I'll do this for a while but if I get sick of it I'll just break up with him/her.

[kyle]

this has nothing to do with marriage, or your "thoughs" on marriage (you think i wouldn't catch a spelling mistake in the title???? pshh.)

i just wanted to wanted to comment on how you've become such a popular person elise! for old time's sake i looked back at some of your archives just now, and there ain't no comments for the first several months, but look at you now! pretty impressive rise to power & fame i must say. remember me when you come into your kingdom. that is all.

[elise]

Don't have ANY idea why Typepad split that one up into two posts. Weird! Maybe Typepad knows of my comment-loving tendencies? Is trying to boost my numbers? :)

[elise]

Kyle: my old posts don't have any comments because I imported them all from Blogger. And Haloscan doesn't (or didn't then) have any importing thing for comments.

SO THERE! I was WAY more popular back then. I mean, I got at least 150 comments per post on Haloscan. Too bad I can't prove it, you know? I mean, that is SO sad, to lose all those awesome comments. You'll just have to believe me, I guess ;)

[kyle]

i do believe you. and here's another comment for your collection.

[kyle]

thanks for correcting your post title. that makes me able to come to your page without twitching. :-)

i also noticed you changed my link on your page. are you just mocking me now? :-)

[molly murphy]

All of this is true and makes for a great marriage. One of the dangers is leaning too far towards B and forgetting what the hell A wanted in the first place! Oh yeah, A really does like and not just tolerate tempeh. And B is grumpy when he gets low blood sugar, so get a snack already and quit asking A when dinner will be ready, it's only 4:30!

[velocibadgergirl]

I think being considerate is of utmost importance, but I really think that if you worry about what effect every little decision will have on your innocent spouse, you'll cripple yourself with fear and uncertainty.

Part of the best thing about being married, for me, is the knowledge that I can be myself and my husband will love me and accept me anyway. I love being with him because I DON'T have to worry about every bite of food or every tiny flap of a butterfly's wings.

That said, though, it is important to keep each other informed and to be thoughtful, and not to jump headlong into anything that affects your spouse in a major way without talking it over first.

[Chiada]

Hub-E and I are still learning these little niceties, and we've been married for 8 years! Usually we're pretty good about stuff like that, but sometimes we slide. I, personally, have had to empty all my purses, drawers, and cabinets of any kind of lotion or product that has scent or "fake stuff" in it because Hub-E is very sensitive to fragrances, and he gets reeeeeeally angry if he smells something on me. In which case I may as well bury my head in the sand or get in the shower to wash to off. Sacrifice? yes. Peace in the house? Definitely. Worth it? Hell ya.

[tiff]

it's a beautiful way to put it, really. i want to read this to my friends at their wedding!

[Lena]

I feel the same way, he husband on the other hand...Let's just say I may be too considerate - but am slowly starting to break free of that. Asking those questions will help, but after time you figure out what's a couple decision, and what's not. I think my husbnad will divorce me if I call during work AGAIN with a "should I or should I not..?" type question!

[Lisa]

The husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now, living together for 3-4 years, married for a year and four months. We're STILL learning how to compromise. Hehe. Some days are harder than others.

[janet]

Indeed, this should be required reading for all engaged couples!