Poison: It's What's For Dinner

Well.  It's been a while, eh?  How are you?  Good?  I hope you're great.  Me?  I've been busy, you know, working, hanging out, poisoning my dog. 

Oh, is that weird?  You want to know why?  BECAUSE THE STUPID DOG WON'T EAT. 

Now, before you get all huffy and call Animal Protective Services (is there one of those? there should be) please allow me to explain.  I did not poison my dog out of a frustration-born rage.  Nor did I poison my dog out of any willful process at all.  Rather, I poisoned my dog unknowingly, because I have to work so incredibly hard to get her to eat her food.  You'd think I was feeding her, I don't know.  Poison?

Ha!

I've read, over and over, that German Shepherds are notoriously picky eaters.  They're also known to be a fairly intelligent breed, and will pick up pretty quickly on things like:

• Puppy parents who are suckers for puppy-dog eyes
• Puppy parents who are suckers for puppies who look forlornly at their full food bowl, sniff it, and turn away
• Puppy parents who are suckers for puppies who are total divas
• Stupid people
• All of the above, because they are all mutually exclusive characteristics of mine

So.  I'm a sucker, and also stupid.  We've got that clarified.  Now, Lydah (the GSD in question) has picked up on my stupidity.  Coupled with her natural tendency to never want to eat anything, or at least not more than she absolutely needs to cover her ribs (sidenote: WHY am I not like this? why the dog and not me?), we've ended up with a non-eating situation.  And because Cody is unreasonably insisting that what we have here is not actually a MINI German Shepherd, but a regular full-grown one, she needs to eat.  Because she's freaking skinny.  And smallish.

Unless she's a mini German Shepherd, in which case she looks perfect.  Just sayin'!

We feed her the expensive, organic, non-corn based, blah blah BEST FOOD EVER, and she won't eat it.  We've mixed it with other food that she saw another dog eat once and seemed interested in.  Won't eat it.  We've mixed it with shredded chicken that we cooked IN OUR CROCK POT, YES, COOKED FOR THE DOG.  Ate it twice, had a massive intestinal explosion in the backseat of my car, and then never had it again.  We've mixed it with grease from ground beef.  We've mixed it with tuna.  We have basically consulted the Tom Colicchio of dog food and mixed in his recommendations.  Involved lots of saffron.

No dice.

So we're pretty desperate, all the time, for Lydah to just eat anything at all.  After she passed her first class at dog school, she got a goody bag filled with all sorts of things like frisbees, squeaky toys, and some nasty "Pumpkin Desserts!" crap that comes in a can and supposedly dogs like.  Pumpkin.  But whatever!  I'll try anything.  And she did eat it, one whole time, and then didn't care about it ever again.

Really, if we would just stop all the frantic trying and just serve her the contents of the cat box, she'd be thrilled.  And I wouldn't have to clean out the cat box anymore!  Gross?  Was that gross?

I think you have a pretty clear picture of the situation at this point.  We'll try anything.  So when we were offered an entire 12-pack of unused, canned dog food, we were thrilled to accept.  Sure!  I mean, we were about to start pureeing cat poop to make gravy.  Beggars can't be choosers, right?  We started mixing this canned dog food with her normal food, and miracle of miracles, SHE ATE IT.  For like three whole days.  And then she stopped.  Which was not a surprise.  However, this time she stopped and then got kind of sick and then completely stopped eating altogether.  Like, nothing, not even her normal two-mouthfuls-disdainful-look-snub-the-rest combo.  Then she got really sick, and started having all sorts of....incidents inside, which never happens anymore, and so we had no idea what was going on, still no eating, and then all of a sudden, on a Saturday morning, I sat bolt upright in bed at 7am with an epiphany.

The real miraculous event was that I was awake at 7am.  Saturday or not, I don't think I have seen 7am in quite some time.  However, I was jolted out of my sleep with the sudden awareness that we had been feeding Lydah food from that horrible dog food recall.  I ran to the computer, pulled up the FDA's list of recalled foods, and found the brand we were mixing with.  Of course then you have to tediously match up every single lot number and bar code number on your can to the ones listed, to find out if you have won the Kill Your Dog Lottery.

I had.

What happened next was a flurry of vet visits, urine analysis, blood analysis, special food, medicine from a syringe, forcing electrolytes, etc.  And guess what!  She's totally fine now.  She actually loves this prescription dog food the vet gave us to help her kidneys and liver recover, and for the first time in her entire life, SHE EATS WHEN WE GIVE HER FOOD.

So, word to the wise: If you have a dog (or kid, who's to say this wouldn't work on kids, too?) who won't eat, and you've tried everything else, the trick is to poison the subject and then do the mandatory forced starvation (to clear the system) and then, VOILA!  Eating will commence!

Seriously, though, I know we are very lucky and that not all pet owners were so lucky with that tainted food.  And I want to thank the people who gave us that old canned food, because even though you didn't know it, you actually may have solved Lydah's picky eating problem for good.  And Cody won't have to go around telling people that yes, there really is a mini German Shepherd breed, and haven't you heard of it?

Comments

[blogging barbie]

um, hi i just found your blog via your comment on mine, and hello? i don't mean to be forward but i heart you. seriously. hooked.

i'm so sorry to hear about the pup's eating mhabits. although i must confess, i was laughing out loud at this post. your writing style? lurve. my pup will scarf down anything- including rocks. dirt. paper. what have you...so unfortunately i'm not able to offer any advice. but i still heart you! so that's gotta be good for something!!! :)

xo, bb

p.s.- totally going with the flats,and helllo, the fact that you mentioned manicure? already booked. loving we're on the same page :)

[Laurel]

I KNEW that there was a bright side in all those poisoned-dog-food stories! You're it!

[Hoover]

In answer to your question, yes. That is gross. Many things you said are gross. Crazy animal people have no sense of decorum.

[Lisa]

I laughed. I'm a horrible, horrible person. I'm glad your dog's feeling better though. I've had two German Shepherds when I was a kid. I miss.

[Picosita]

Hello, it's me, Lena.
So, the only thing I dislike about your blog is that there's not a new post like, every half hour!
Glad your dog is better!

[kyle]

german shepherds like burritos from chipotle's. i - of course - don't know if this is actually true or not, but it makes for a funny mental image thinking of a dog eating a burrito with its paws. think about it. yep, told you.

[kyle]

by the way, how did your novel for "national novel writing month" or whatever turn out?? :-)

[Kelly]

Woo! Painful, but at least she's eating now!
I had the opposite problem with my dog. He would eat ANYTHING, except his own poo. He used to fight the cat for the cat food.

Of course, how he's 16, and old, and toothless, but he'd rather eat dry dog food instead of food from a can. Go figure.

[Michelle]

So glad your doggie is OK! We get looks from the vet when we take in our cocker spaniel for the same reason. She is SUPER skinny. But she eats ALL the time so I don't know where it all goes!

Glad to find so many new & fabulous blogs to read thru the 20-something blog ring - yours included :)

[janet]

oh my, this is reason #57568678 why I don't have a dog. I wouldn't know what to do. Yet it is very entertaining to hear what you did. Poison, huh? Who woulda thought!

I have a cat who doesn't really like cat food, but he loves people food so much that it keeps him from being totally ano.

[Operation Pink Herring]

As the owner of a cat who WON'T STOP EATING, the whole I-don't-wanna-eat thing sounds kind of awesome. Except, not, of course. Since we all like to keep our pets alive. Maybe we can work out an arrangement where some of Max's fat is transferred to Lydah?

I sympathize (a lot) with the food issues. Max was on Rx food for years. I finally switched him to an uber expensive pet store food instead (still cheaper than Rx), and two weeks later? RECALLED. I freaked out. Big time. Luckily, things turned out OK here too.

[beck]

Good lord how scary. Thank goodness she's OK. My mom put her dog on an all raw-meat diet (have yet to meet a dog who will refuse that one) but that's super expensive and takes a lot of work.

Both my GSDs are only half pure GSD. One of them is a big fat pig. Right upon letting him in the house he will cruise around the kitchen, sniffing out anything that might have fallen to the floor. The other dog is a casual eater. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. He definitely won't the first night we're in a new place. He won't eat after a dog friend who has spent several days with us has gone. Other times he will pretend that he's not going to eat and then I stand above him and bellow "EAT!" while jabbing my finger at the bowl of food. He'll look at me and be all, "well, goodness. THAT wasn't necessary." and take a few bites while I stand there and give him the evil eye (all while fending off the big fat pig dog who would eat his food in a second and Jackson would let him, too!)

[Scott]

As the friend in question, giving you the poisoned food, I apologize! Glad it turned out ok but sorry about that. I have some baby cribs you can have that just got recalled. you want those?

[Lindsey]

I'm not sure whether to say "yay she is finally eating!" or "oh my gosh, I am sooo glad she is okay!" I guess I'll say both. Blessing in a poisonous disguise perhaps??