This past weekend was Cody's annual college soccer alumni game. In a sad twist of...something, the alumni (all of whom are dangerously near the 30-year-old mark) have managed to WIN this game every year since their graduation. This must be just horribly embarrassing for the young college guys who are actually ON the team, and are also, you know. Not old. Or fat.
Anyway, this year the old guys lost. Sad! But true. They will claim that the game was completely skewed, with the referees being A) not licensed B) paid off C) burdened with some sort of vendetta, or D) just completely dumb. The guys might have a point I would listen to, if they would only add option E): the refs were begged to please, PLEASE just let the actual college team win. Anyway, if I could ever figure out how to get my camcorder to sync up with my computer, I could show you actual footage of this event. Unfortunately, every time I think I've got the camcorder thing figured out, it kicks me straight in the teeth, laughs, and screams INVALID EXTENSION!! Also, the footage I really want to show isn't even of the game, but rather after the game, when an...unfortunate bathroom incident reminded me and my good friend Jenn of a story I've been meaning to tell for a while.
Back around Christmas, Trey and Jenn and their 2-year-old daughter, Maddie, moved in with us for about a month or so. Jenn had just been hired to teach at a school around here, and Trey was kind of going with the flow. He collects jobs like other people collect...stamps? I don't know. What do people collect these days? Commemorative state quarters? Whatever. The point is, Trey could suddenly be relocated to Beulah, Wyoming and within three weeks he would not only know everyone in the town, but he would be working for at least half of them. And the other half would have given him their boats and cars just because "we weren't really using them right now and thought y'all might enjoy it". I digress.
The important thing you need to know about Trey is that he has something seriously wrong with him. It could be IBS or maybe it's something even worse, but whatever it is, you don't want to mess with his bathroom time. In fact, it was a small outbreak of Trey's Disease that caused the unfortunate bathroom incident after the alumni game. Let's just say that Trey and Cody played a little game of chance to see who got to "shower" first, and when Cody lost, he didn't know how bad he had really lost.
So. Back to Christmas time. Cody and I had arrived home after doing something...maybe holiday shopping. That sounds festive. We stumbled in the front door, loaded down with packages, and were met with a crackling fire and a big bowl of popcorn. It smelled very Christmassy, with all the wood burning, and the hot popcorn, and the....hmmm. Potpourri? Maybe Trey and Jenn bought some Christmas potpourri. It sure was strong. Cody started guessing, aloud, what the scent might be. Jenn and I stood in the kitchen, sniffing the air, listening to Cody run through options. After a minute or two, he threw politeness to the wind and said something like "I know this is weird, but you know what it really smells like to me? Butt. But not just butt, it smells like Apple Butt. Did you buy some Apple Butt potpourri, Jenn?" Jenn laughed and assured Cody that she had not purchased anything like that, and Cody and I, somewhat embarrassed that our house smelled inexplicably of Apple Butt, tried to self-depreciatingly explain away the odor. Just as we had ruled out the inside of the refrigerator, Trey emerged from the bathroom, can of Febreze Apple Air-Freshener in hand and with an almost visible cloud of...well...butt behind him. He quickly shut the door and glanced around the room, taking in the six eyes staring at him in amazement. As he sauntered into the other room, leaving a trail of destruction behind him, he off-handedly mentioned that we "might not want to go in there for a while". Trey rounded the corner, probably smiling, and left Cody in the kitchen to triumphantly yell "I KNEW it was Apple Butt!"
Cody's real proud of his newfound smelling ability, too. If you're ever over, try mixing up something really funky yourself and ask him to guess it. Trust me, he's game.
That's funny. Where I used to work, they had a small bottle of orange spritz from Trader Joe's in the bathroom. Well, after it had been used for a few months, the bookkeeper got to the point to where she couldn't stand the smell of the orange spritz because it made her sick because she associated the smell with unpleasant bathroom odors, even though those odors were covered up by the orange. I actually still like the orange spritz and prefer it to my husband's mode of covering up odors: matches. He lights a match all the time. To me, the icky fumes and smoke from the match are about all I can bear, plus I've started to associate it with icky bathroom odors. Oh well. Can't make everybody's nose happy I guess.
Are you guys movie quoters? This scene you described makes me think of the movie Sixteen Candles when Grampa Fred was in the bathroom and later you see the young brother standing outside the bathroom waving his arm to clear the air and telling everybody not to go in there. Someone does and he says "it's your nose". Then they walk right back out, pinching their nose. Hehehe.
Posted by: Chiada | August 28, 2007 at 03:01 PM
Ewww! The funniest thing about the whole deal is that Cody is just HORRIBLY DISGUSTED by any and all bathroom odors. He is so weird about bathroom stuff that he refuses to believe that girls even poo. Like, ever. He won't even pee with the door open, nor will he allow me to pee anywhere, at any time, where he might have to see it happening. Even if he was in the shower, and I really, really had to go. He is so strange.
So the Apple Butt, that he had voluntarily been sniffing up inside his head for a good five minutes, was ESPECIALLY insulting to Cody when he found out its origins :)
Trader Joe's orange spritz, huh? I know you said you still like it, but orange mixed with ass sounds just awful to me.
Posted by: elise | August 28, 2007 at 03:08 PM
You should have also mentioned that when Trey and I farkled for first shower after the game, the unfortunate incident was that he turned what was supposed to be a sub-5 minute rinse into an ass blasting, paint peeling, shower ruining extravaganza, the likes of which I will never fully explain to you. How does someone have the nerve to fight for the bathroom if that is their intention? Courtesy? Please?
Posted by: Cody | August 28, 2007 at 04:14 PM
Apple Butt, hahaha. That's hilarious .. as is Cody's extra add-on. Yikes! Sounds like one dude you don't want to take bathroom bets on .. *snort* Apple Butt *snorts some more* :)
Posted by: alyndabear | August 28, 2007 at 04:57 PM
I'm with Alynda...I'm snorting over here. That's definitely one of the moments you can look back on in 10 years and still laugh about...and be thankful that you can't SMELL the memory! And I love that Cody used the word "farkle" in his comment. It may be my new favorite.
Posted by: Cassie | August 28, 2007 at 05:33 PM
You know, I've still never been there! I wonder if they have those flats with the gold medal on them...haha
Posted by: Lena | August 28, 2007 at 07:00 PM
*gets up off the floor having just fallen off chair laughing*
We light matches AND burn candles at our house. Now when we light the grill, I can't help thinking about butt. Not a great appetizer.
How does one 'farkle'? This sounds intriguing and something I may need to try.
Dory
Posted by: Dory | August 28, 2007 at 08:11 PM
Oh. My. God.
Posted by: Caustic Cupcake | August 29, 2007 at 12:02 PM
I am amazed you are still friends with him! We only have one bathroom here so if we had houseguests with, um, apple butt issues, I am afraid they would come home to the locks changed and their luggage out on the porch with a bottle of Lysol spray.
Posted by: Meredith | August 29, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Ack, we just moved into a house that was rife with smells of every revolting kind. I spent a small fortune buying beautiful plug in thingumyjigs, lavendar and camomile, heavenly, except now all I smell is the poo, I gag at the waft of lavendar, will never be able to smell that again without heaving. Apple butt? That's maybe one I can live without ever experiencing. Also,I am with Cody in that if you know you are about to leave a trail of stink....let the innocent go first!
Posted by: Helen | September 05, 2007 at 08:36 AM
This is hilarious.
You could be onto something though.
Apple-butt flavored scented candles.
Call Yankee candle and work something out!
Posted by: Julie | September 06, 2007 at 04:22 PM