Have you ever noticed that some people write so honestly? So transparently? Not that I endeavor to fill this website with lies, but the amount of depth I go into in regards to my personal trauma and victory is....well. Non-existent? Or at least very, very veiled.
I've spent some time recently thinking about people who come in and out of our lives. I don't know what to call these people. Are they friends? It depends on your definition of "friend". If a friend to you is someone who, for a season, plays a role in the movie of your life, then yes, these people are friends. If a friend to you is a constant, someone who remains and will be there for you regardless of age, location, time spent apart - well, then you can't really call the intermittent relationships friendships at all. To me, they are more like ghosts. Sometimes they are real, so real you can feel their cold, misty fingers on your face, and then poof. They're gone.
I've always been a picky friend. I choose people I like quickly and without much grace or mercy, and then I remain fiercely loyal to that person for as long as humanly possible. The ones I have deemed latch-worthy have two choices: embrace my love and devotion for what it is, or pry me off with a crowbar. Conversely, if someone doesn't immediately strike me as a kindred spirit, I have a hard time wanting to spend any additional time with them. Why waste my time and theirs? The concept of "getting to know" people hasn't ever really struck much of a chord with me, although the fact that it hasn't is hypocrisy at its greatest. I am hard to get to know. How many people I put off daily, on complete accident, is a number probably best left undiscovered.
One result of such all-or-nothing friendship standards is that I tend to have amplified feelings towards others. A simple email or small, kind gesture means the world to me, even if the person making the effort would do the same for anyone. And in the same way, when someone I consider to be a Friend morphs into a Ghost, I tend to take it very personally. I've had two Friends turn into Ghosts, and both experiences were so difficult for me that I rank them among the Worst Things Ever. And that list includes getting lied to in a major business deal, going through a massive lawsuit, and being so broke I considered Taco Bell a gourmet treat.
Recently, I thought another Friend had gone all Ghost-like on me. And for some reason, I remained detached enough to track my emotional response.
I remember feeling anxious, you know, like you might when a thunderstorm is approaching. It still feels nice and calm outside, but when you take a deep breath you can smell the rain. The hair stands up on your arms because of the electricity in the air. You know something's coming. And I knew this was coming.
After it came, the inevitable If-They-Don't-Return-THIS-Call-Then-I'm-Not-Calling-Again non-call, I felt
like a sack of cement had been dropped on my chest. Heavy. Lethargic. What was I looking forward to? I wondered. What is there to look forward to?
Next up was anger. It's nearly always easier to blame someone else rather than yourself, right? Why should I feel rejected and disappointed when it's clear that the Friend is obviously a coward, unable to deliver a simple message of dismissal and instead choosing to hide in a corner of desertion? I hate people like that.
Pretty quickly, that hate turned directly inward. What is wrong with me? What is it about me that is so, apparently, undesirable? Maybe everyone secretly hates me. Maybe all of my Friends are actually Ghosts, just hanging around in some awful spiritly state, waiting for the right time to evaporate.
Then I was just left with residual pain. Kind of like when you've gone through a particularly terrible night of being violently ill, when you finally fall into a feverish sleep and wake, hours later with nothing but a dull memory of the misery of the night before and an overall sense of weakness. With all pain, there's eventually a breaking point.
It occurred to me that in the past, I wouldn't have internalized all of those emotions as I felt them. They would have been expressed, thrown upon whatever unlucky soul happened to be my confidant throughout the experience. This time I kept it in. I let myself feel each and every stage, let myself deal with the emotions as they came, and I came out on the other end relatively unscathed. I'm not sure if this is a result of maturity, or if, after three times, I'm just becoming indifferent.
Dear Elise,
I catch what you're throwin'.
Posted by: Amy C. | April 02, 2007 at 02:27 PM
I think you are right. There are catagories that include family, friends, people, and "ghosts." Family rarely changes categories, but friends start as people that morph into friends and sometimes transgress into ghosts. I do not know whether friendships end or whether situations change and time progresses. I sure don't have the answer, but I have felt the cold brought on by "ghosts" before.
Rita--Ghost of workplace past
Posted by: | April 02, 2007 at 05:19 PM
Rita, you'll never be a Ghost in my book :)
Posted by: elise | April 02, 2007 at 06:18 PM
I have the opposite problem - I make friends easily, but if I feel like they're not being good enough friends, I cut them out of my life pretty easily. I have a hard time trusting in people, so when they disappoint me, I'm just not that surprised.
Posted by: Jay | April 02, 2007 at 06:55 PM
elise, very well said. i know exactly what you mean on most of these points.
Posted by: kyle | April 02, 2007 at 08:38 PM
Found you on Finslippy.
You have no idea how well I relate to that. Very nicely put.
And VERY nice to meet you!
Posted by: TSM | April 03, 2007 at 12:39 AM
I recently subscribed to you and I'm popping in to say hi from me and also to let you know how happy we are to have you on Indie Bloggers. I love this post - I relate to so much of what you have so beautifully articulated. Would you consider posting this to Indie Bloggers? I think it's absolutely fantastic and thought provoking. So glad you signed up and I'm extra glad to have found you! :) -stacy
Posted by: Jurgen Nation | April 03, 2007 at 01:04 AM
I find that I feel similarly. I'm looking for friends who are similarly committed to the relationship and I often find myself playing the "who blinks first" game. I hate it.
Posted by: wordgirl | April 03, 2007 at 09:31 PM
I take a while to feel close to someone and then the friendships usually last forever. With real friends I believe you must feel free to be yourself and say what you feel. I have maybe 3 friends that have lasted most of my life and many I hope will last the rest of it. Some friends are online ones, the kind where you really forget that you havenever actually met, where the real you is known and loved even though the metting has only ever been through a screen, I got me a husband through the computer though so it goes without saying that I am a firm believer that it doesn't matter HOW someone comes into your life, it's what grows between you that matters. People that just fade out or disappear for no apparant reason? DRIVE ME INSANE!
Posted by: Helen | April 05, 2007 at 07:27 AM
I feel that way too. I don't put myself out there and I probably never will, or at least not very often. Seems like any time I do I get no response. I get very hurt over emails. That is my only communication from most of my friends and family and when they don't email back anything, it hurts and I get upset. That's the point I just give up.
Posted by: LC | April 13, 2007 at 02:37 AM