Black Tar Heroin, Indeed

Hi!  Want to hear something super cool?  You know when I was writing that last post, the one about sitting uncomfortably and not buying Microsoft Office?  Well, at the very moment I was writing that, sitting awkwardly on the floor and everything, a thief was breaking into Cody's truck and stealing everything inside!  I know, awesome, right?

And!  It gets better.  My well-intentioned but hopelessly disorganized husband was carrying just about every single document a citizen of the United States could possibly want in order to show that they do, in fact, have an identity.  Like, for example, a drivers license.  And a social security card.  And!  A birth certificate.  And a tax ID number!  And a bank account number.  And the requisite wallet with debit and credit cards.  So, yea!  A brand new Cody is born!  Complete with $700 of new crap from Wal-Mart purchased with one of our debit cards within 15 minutes of the theft, a two-year old laptop containing absolute LOADS of personal information, and (ironically) a copy of the Microsoft Office Suite.  For PC.  If the Suite was for Macs, I would suspect myself immediately. 

We are now a strictly cash-using family, due to the fact that everything possible in our names has been canceled.  I asked Cody if he deposited my last check in our bank account and he said yes, but now that it's in there, we have no access to the money whatsoever.  It's like a savings plan, on crack!

The crediting agencies (yes, all three of them) are supposed to call us if someone tries to, you know.  Buy a house.  Or a car.  Or, like, a really expensive dog or something.  Yorkies are pricey.  And the pet stores finance!  The good thing is, though, that due to the Law of Youth which states (and I paraphrase)

"...every young person must reside in a seemingly endless state of Being Broke unless A) their parents give them money constantly B) they have a trust fund or C) they sell drugs.  Lots of drugs"

our thief is not going to be able to afford a very good car.  Maybe a Kia or something, but not anything in the Porsche or Land Rover family.  So ha!  Joke's on you, buddy.  Have fun with our laptop and your new Kia.  Or something.

Now, onto something more fun.  I have, thanks to Pixie, obtained a new site meter.  It is called SHINYSTAT!  And it must be written in all caps, with the exclamation point.  Because SHINYSTAT! is such a cute name, and it seems exciting!  And fun!  And deserving of appropriate punctuation, at the very least.  Anyway, SHINYSTAT! has a feature which allows me to see the search terms and phrases people type into Google or whatever else people might use to search (is there anything else? Really?) and somehow get directed to my site.  Now I realize that this subject, as far as blog posting, is as old as the hills, but it is no less funny or entertaining, so shut up.  And let me show you my search terms.   I will try to answer questions (yeah, that's right, Kyle, read it and weep) regarding your search queries, but in some cases might have to resort to directing you elsewhere for true answers.

"cara copeland", ballet - This one is easy.  Cara Copeland was in the class ahead of me at the prestigious Ballet Lubbock for nearly all 12 years I attended the school.  She was (by far) the best dancer in the troupe, and was my idol.  I loved her with all my little girl heart.  I think she dances professionally now.  She should, anyway.  She was like a graceful angel.

"remember me cancer" lance armstrong - Easy, again.  I once wrote about how annoying I find the commercial where ol' Lance stares at the screen and proclaims "Remember me, cancer?  You made me suffer.  My mom, too," in all his grammatical prowess.

vinny testa restaurant + testaverde - While I have never written about Vinny's restaurant, or Vinny going to a restaurant, I have, on occasion, professed my undying love for Vinny Testaverde.  Gross-sounding last name and all, I find him enormously endearing.

"relieve himself" lady humiliation bladder - Whoa.  You've really thrown me for a loop now.  Not only do I not remember writing about lady humiliation bladders, I honestly have no direct knowledge of lady humiliation bladders, relative to relieving "himself" or otherwise.  Sorry.  It sounds like you may have some kind of vendetta though.  Good luck with that.

keith richards "black tar heroin" - Um.  Was it on a list of Things I Like?  No idea.

once in a life time porn vacation porn - Yow.  You people are getting sick, now.  First you want to know about black tar heroin, and it's like, ok, but I'm not that hardcore, really, and now you're wanting porn?  And vacation porn, at that.  I'm sorry, but this is just not that kind of site.

"lesson on fairness" - You might want to talk to the lady humiliation bladder seeker, above.  It sounds like the two of you could compare problems and come up with something really vengeful.

Also, I have become famous, in a lesser-traveled sub-sector of the Internet.  I wonder if the Backyardigans fan-base is responsible for some of my stranger search keywords.  If so, you are some messed up folk, Backyardigans fans,  Messed up.

 

Comments

[markira]

OH NO! That's horrible news about pseudoCody! :(
mk

[Rebecca]

Now that really sucks. But then you knew that. :)

[kyle]

testaverde is funny cause it kind of sounds like testicle. ha ha. that's why it's funny.

[elise]

Well, Kyle, you're certainly a boy!

No questions there.

[Helen]

Hate the thief, hope something very horrible happens to him/ her/ it. I wrote that and meant it, even though it is sunday and that was a very unchristian thought.