I've Also Been Known To Slam A Door, Claim The Door Was "Stuck" And Shove Guests In Another Direction Entirely

I'm notoriously hard to crack up.  Not crack up as in "induce insanity", because really?  That's easy.  I mean crack up as in "laugh really, really hard".  I can probably count the number of times I laughed hard in that way where you can't stop, you can't breathe, you're crying, and everyone around hates you, but you still continue to giggle.  And it's not because I don't enjoy laughing that way.  In fact, I love laughing that way so much that if there was some way to bottle and sell that stuff, I would have nothing else on my shelves. 

It's also not because I don't find anything funny.  Or find anyone funny.  Because I promise, I do.  I read, hear, and see things all the time that I find amusing, entertaining, and very laughable.  It just takes a LOT to really get me going.

But today is a banner day, folks.  Because this made me laugh.  And not only did it make me laugh, it made me laugh alone, in a room by myself, and without the aid of the facial expressions, hand gestures, and voice inflections usually needed to tell a funny story really well.

The link above will take you to the old site of the blogger.  She has a new site now, and has become one of my very favorite daily reads.  Something about her particular brand of humor feels like a perfect fit for me. 

Before I start to sound like the very definition of an Internet stalker, I will stop blathering on about Pixie and instead re-publish her "Emergency Clean-Up Tips", the guide that made me crack up in the first place.  Ed: This is only part of the guide.  To see the Tips in their entirety, visit Pixie's site.

IF SOMEONE WILL BE OVER IN HALF AN HOUR:

You have time, but not enough time. Only take care of the most embarrassing things- the things they don't mention in Woman's Day.

The cardinal rule of emergency cleaning is that all organic matter has to go- rotting food, feces, corpses, dead plants, excessive mold (I'm not talking crusty black caulk around the tub; mold is excessive if you can trip over it), and possibly your significant other (have they bathed?). Everything else is excusable. Do those things first, and then move on to the rest of your trash.

If the people who are coming over aren't good enough friends to help you hide the body, hide the body before they get there.

Pots full of moldy rice-a-roni languishing on the stove? Throw them the f*ck out. You don't have time to wash the pots anyway. You can dig them out of the dumpster later. Nobody's going to do a pot-count.

Litter pan rife with over-ripe feline treats? Changing it will take too much time and make too much of a mess. Dump more litter on it. Already full? Oh well- a cat pan overflowing with litter is better than a cat pan overflowing with shit.

Close all the interior doors to limit your guests' view of off-limit areas. Of course, many of us don't have all of our interior doors (after all, it has snowed and this is sledding season) so nail your best sheet to the doorframe. If you only have one sheet and it's on your bed, take it off and cover the bed back up with the blanket, unless it's already stained. And if you need the sheet to stay on the bed so your guests can help you stain it, expect them to be more forgiving of your clutter-filled doorless rec-room, in exchange for your sweet sweet lovin'.

Dusting? Too little of a result for all the time and energy. Forget about it. In lieu of dusting, you can use bandanas or towels as cute table covers. I do.

A sink full of rotting dishes? Arrange them! Stacking plates and bowls will totally fix it, making your dishes seem smaller and less trashy-looking. Then pour half a bottle of Pine Sol over the pile.

Then pour the other half in the tub. You don't have time to scrub, but smell is the first thing people notice. Especially if it's a bad smell.

Does your carpet crunch under your feet like gravel, but your vacuum exploded a month ago? Use the damned broom- it's an improvement- and since nobody knows where the f*cking dustpan is anyway, sweep the pile into a corner and put a pillow over it as if it was carelessly tossed there. This will be a huge improvement if you've got kitty litter or wood chips from the hamster cage sprinkled everywhere.

Instead of hauling around a whole trash bag, use an assortment of empty grocery bags to snatch up EVERY PIECE OF PAPER in the house, trash or otherwise. These you should stick under a bed or in the fridge or something to sort through later. The transformation will be incredible. When people think clutter, they think paper.

Febreeze is non-toxic.  That means you can spray your dog with it.

Clothes... if you are lucky enough to have the following things, shovel all the clothes that you have strewn around into them: washer and dryer, oven, microwave, closets, spare drawers, dog carrier, etc. Sorting, washing, and folding are just out of the question right now.

Shove everything you can under the couch and cover it with a blanket, draped just so that it conceals what's bulging from beneath while simultaneously blanketing crumbs and stains on the seat.

If you open your fridge and realize that nobody will want a can of soda that's come out of it once they see what's inside, break the lightbulb with the blunt end of the mustard jar.

Tangle of cords under the computer desk? There can be no detangling at a time like this, but you can make it a LITTLE less like a rat's nest by grabbing a handful of cables and securing them to the leg of the computer desk with a necktie or a belt. If your computer is on the floor, throw a towel over it and put a lamp or a flower pot on the monitor.

I personally use an assortment of multi-colored towels to cover up my deeply stained bathroom floor. It's like a big festive bathmat.

If nothing else, make sure everyone has a place to sit. Having to stand while a space of couch is cleared brings to mind what a dump the place really is like nothing else. Just shovel everything off.

Make yourself presentable. Brush your teeth, get the Cheerios out of your hair, and put on pants. Look confident when you answer the door and don't say something like "Excuse the appearance, but..." Remember, Martha Stewart is a felon. You don't have to make excuses about YOUR lifestyle.

Hopefully this can fill in the gaps that Woman's Day leaves in between irrelevant tips like "arrange a bouquet of flowers on the back of the toilet to greet your guests when they go to use the bathroom" and "you can add lemon juice to wood polish for a fresh, clean scent." I don't have the home of the year, nor do I have the time, money, or inclination to make it one. I am, however, a f*cking master at covering up the fact that I let my pet ratlets bite holes in the drywall and that what looks like a dried-up container of spackle actually used to be oatmeal or something but I was eating out of an empty spackle container because I didn't have any clean bowls.

There.  If that didn't make you laugh, you might be dead.

Comments

[beck]

Dang it! I'm dead.

[wordgirl]

*sigh* (wipes tears of laughter from eyes)

Damn...that was funny.

[kyle]

maybe this is a girl thing??