Why be a half-assed stalker when you can be upgraded to the real thing?
In honor of my undying love for and obsession with Finslippy's writing, I am going to post this entry from her archives in its entirety. Yes, I was reading her archives. See what I mean, with the stalking? See?
This post made me laugh out loud, and I NEVER do that. That's right, I am a mean, unhappy shrew, and this made me laugh. I therefore feel completely confident that it will do the same for you.
This post compliments of www.Finslippy.typepad.com"Henry has a couple of toys that, I'm sorry, are just really dirty. This could be my undertaxed imagination at work--or it could be a conspiracy led by a covert league of perverts.
My parents recently gave Henry a ring-toss toy that my nephews used to enjoy. The center of this thing, the object upon which the rings are tossed, is a large, flesh-colored stalk, topped by a red bulb with a smiley face on it.
My Mom hauls this device out, thwaps it on the floor, and calls out, "Henry! Come say hello to Mr. Penis Head!"And that's my Mom who made that observation. My Mom, who once, completely innocently, asked Scott and me what a "boner" was.
Mr. Penis Head is a giant phallus, and I can't see how he can be viewed in any other way. I don't think he could look any penis-ier (I made up a word!). Not if his head squirted when rubbed vigorously. Etc. He's a penis.
Henry loves Mr. Penis Head. We snap pictures as he gums its smiley noggin, but I think I can't print them out without risking jail time. Even making such an observation is probably a federal offense. Hey, Feds--I'm just saying! Sheesh.
Also!
Henry has this pony. Not a real pony. A rocking-chair pony that we purchased from Toys 'R' Us. The wily people at Toys 'R' Us made the store very, very loud, so that we couldn't hear what the pony sang when his ear was tugged.
Then we got home, and we listened. And here it is.
I'm a pretty pony
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop
Such a pretty pony
Clippity-clop, clippity clop
I love to have my coat brushed underneath the old oak tree
So jump and run
We'll have lots of fun
When you come and play with me.
The lyrics are maybe not so creepy when you read them. (Although I think the phrase "I love to have my blank blanked" is going to be really dirty, no matter what you put in there.)
But they're intensely creepy when you hear them. They're sung by a breathy tenor whose voice positively trembles with anticipation. I can't help but picture the recording of this little ditty. The producer pushing Mr. Pretty Pony--a middle-aged, moist-palmed, slightly balding guy, with an eerily high-pitched giggle and a predilection for Hello Kitty paraphernalia-- for "more pedophile."The pony's other ear, when tugged, elicits the following: "I like it when you brush me!" and "Let's go for a ride!" Strangely, these comments are purred by a woman, which either indicates that it was too creepy when the guy tried uttering the same comments, or that the manufacturers of this pony ride are suggesting that the pony is some kind of pansexual hermaphroditic love-beast.
Know what I just figured out? Know what? Do you? Bet you don't.
"Covert League of Perverts" = CLOP.
As in clippity-clop.
Is your heart beating as fast as mine? I'll be up all night, trying to decipher what "clippity" could mean.
Anyway, Henry really likes his pony."
I am going to spend all evening working out what clippety could mean. pp is probably panting pedophile.....
Posted by: Helen | October 14, 2006 at 12:09 PM
Well, I was like: "Well, I'M sure not going to laugh." And then I forgot I was determined not to laugh and ended up laughing at "CLOP ... As in clippity-clop."
Posted by: Amy H. | October 14, 2006 at 09:42 PM
woman, you crack me up....havent laughed like this is in a long time........thx.......
nw
Posted by: | October 15, 2006 at 08:30 AM
I forgot how incredibly funny Finslippy is. I think I had forgotten about her...thanks for reminding me. I, too, would have laughed out loud, but I'm at work...and everyone would have accused me of not working if they overheard me. There is absolutely nothing funnier than making non-sexual things sexual. No wonder 16 year old boys are always laughing.
Posted by: Allison | October 16, 2006 at 10:17 AM
I love her!!! I read everyday! I found her thru you!
Posted by: CJ | October 16, 2006 at 11:48 AM
Ok that was laugh out loud funny. I agree.
Posted by: Lacey | October 17, 2006 at 05:46 AM