So I am selfish. That's really the thing I keep coming back to. Why else would I not be able to just suck it up and be happy where I am?
Actually, I have gotten markedly better at being happy where I am (East Texas), with what I've got (mountains of debt and no income to speak of) and with what I am doing (fighting the never-ending lawsuit from hell). For a while there, I really let it get me down. Imagine!
But I really have gotten better. Or, should I say, I was snapped out of my depressive reverie. Either way. Happy I now am. And happy I shall remain.
HOWEVER. I have not ever wanted, nor do I currently want to permanently reside in East Texas. In fact, I vehemently did not want to reside here at all, after leaving for college and whatnot. I graduated from college. I took the LSAT. I got accepted to law school. I was going elsewhere. And then, suddenly, I wasn't.
The reason I was no longer headed off to the sunny shores of Pepperdine University in Malibu was not because of a dictator-esque husband. It wasn't because I got married, and hey! no one has dreams of their own anymore after that! No, it was because in all truth, and when I looked down to the very bottom of my heart, I didn't know if I even wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted to live out in Cali, near my brothers, and lots of my friends. I wanted to go to Pepperdine, and I really did want to go to law school. But did I want to be a lawyer? Ehh. Maybe, maybe not. Conversely, did my new husband actually have an actual job opportunity in a field that he actually went to school for and actually DID want to pursue? Yes. Yes, he did. And so would it be fair, would it be unselfish of me to say no? NO! I will not move back to East Texas, no I won't. You give up that job, and you find something else! Why? Because I might want to be a lawyer someday! And I like the beach!
And now I am faced with a similar situation. We are now actually somewhat settled here in East Texas. Settled for us, anyway, which means not desperately clawing at the walls in frustration. We have mostly finished our house, HG's practice is growing, and the lawsuit with the store (knock on the mother-effing wood, please) might be coming to an end shortly. Both sets of our parents live in the same town as we do, and so do my brother-in-law, his wife and our nephew. Another one of HG's good friends and his wife (and their twin girls!) recently moved here as well, and we just got the news last night that yet another one of the "guys" and his wife might be making a move here in the near future.
It seems that our little town, the town that I want so desperately to leave, is becoming some kind of a Mecca for all of HG's friends and family. And I am getting scared.
I'm scared because I am looking down the road a couple of years, to a time where HG and I are actually somewhat financially secure, or at least have a little money saved. And we will have lived in our house for more than two years, and will have quite a bit of good equity there. We will certainly (the wood! knock again!) not still be involved in this lawsuit, and we would be in the very position we have talked about so many times: the position of being able to move.
Except why would we? Everything finally got comfortable! At last we aren't taking in more water than we can tow. HG's practice is going great. The store is no longer an issue. The house is worth more than ever. All of our friends and family (and their kids) now live in a 20 mile radius! Why leave?
And I'll be the horrible, selfish wife, saying the equivalent of what I would have had to say back when we first got married. Why move? Because I want to, you know? I never wanted to live here forever. I want to try something new. No good reason, no great opportunity. No, just something I want. Not need, but want.
And yes, of course, I do still like the beach.
Remember, fishermen need chiropractors.
AND, I am still going to finish that survey. It's a saved draft.
And you're right: Kyle is sooo dumb.
Posted by: Amy | September 06, 2006 at 12:44 AM
Do you ever have dreams about going back to school? I mean REAL dreams where you're back and trying to find your way to a college class that you've been ducking out on all semester? I've had those dreams for years. Unfulfilled dreams. That's what it means.
Posted by: wordgirl | September 06, 2006 at 09:20 AM
I thought that's what those dreams meant, Wordgirl. So now I'm halfway through my MBA. And I still have the dreams. I think its that panic of not knowing what we think we're supposed to, what everyone else seems to grasp so easily, and the feeling that if we could just find the right room where we're meant to be it will all be okay.
Posted by: Laurie | September 06, 2006 at 10:34 AM
Hah. Why do you want to move? THE BEACH. HELLOOOO. Then you said it for me in the last sentance. =)
But the cost of living in CA is, like, way expensive. My parents neighbors just sold their home for over 1 million. And it's just a normal house on a rather smallish lot!!! I would move out of state to your darling custom home in East Texas in a heart beat. I think. But you have no beach.
Posted by: beck | September 07, 2006 at 12:47 AM
Said like a true Californian, living in Cali, with no intent to move :)
Posted by: elise | September 07, 2006 at 01:14 AM
Posted by: Vilyameg | August 26, 2007 at 01:40 AM