Juxtapose That!

I am a comparer.  I can't think of another personality trait that would more assuredly guarantee unhappiness, but if there is one, let me know!  I'll get right on the acquisition process.

I think I've always been this way.  The first comparison I really remember was with Cara Copeland.  Cara was about 4 years older than me, she was in the Company of our ballet school, and I wanted to freaking be her.  If she won a ballet-related award, I would wonder what was wrong with me.  If she got a new leotard, I would immediately begin bothering my mother about going to the Capezio store, and when she got accepted to Julliard, I figured that would be my next step, as well.

Can't accuse me of not reaching for the stars, eh?

I always accused my brother Nathan of being my parent's fan favorite.  Truth be told, he was always easy-going and pleasantly off-kilter, while I was a bit of a bossy control freak, but still.  Aren't parents supposed to at least pretend they like everyone the same? 
Either way, every once in a while, I would try to act laid-back and relaxed while in the presence of my parents.  "Oh, so you moved the trampoline to the other side of the yard?  Why should I care?" I would say in my most Nathan-esqe nonchalant tone, biting my tongue in an attempt to fend off tears.  It never worked, though, the feigned laissez-faire attitude, because as soon as my parents turned away from me, thinking "Hey! Maybe there's hope for her after all," I would be making plans to run away to a house with parents who understood the TRAUMA induced by making such a decision without first consulting me.  "I'm leaving," I would call over my shoulder, and I would head out the door, thinking how sorry everyone would be to lose me.  And behind me, steeped in sorrow over their loss, my family's collective eye-rolling could have won some kind of synchronized sarcasm contest.

Now that I'm a grown-up (ha!), I find myself still engaging in these little comparing games.  "I wonder how that store did last month," I think to myself, and secretly wish doom and destruction upon their buyers.  I will ponder such mysteries as "Hmmm.  She seems to be getting thinner.  Why am I not getting thinner?"  all the while completely ignoring the possibility that the french fry and diet coke thing I have going might have something do with it.

A place in my life that this trait is really bothering me, however, is in the area of writing.  I have the chance - no, I have the privilege - of knowing and of being able to read a great many excellent writers.  Many of them are linked on the left.  Many of them don't keep a public weblog, but are nonetheless quite impressive with their power over the written word.  I don't want to compare myself to them.  I don't want to think anything but good thoughts as I read what they have to say.  I don't want to tarnish my (idealized) view of the writing world.  And most of the time I don't. 

But there are times when I let it get to me a little.  When I let myself get caught up in the whole traffic/stats checking/paid writing gig brouhaha.  And so far, I've caught myself and given myself a good talking to.  "That doesn't matter!" I tell myself.  "And it's NOT why you write, anyway."  I'm right, I know.  Stats and traffic and money are not why I write.  I write because I enjoy it.  And if anyone wants to read what I have to say, or pay me to write something for them, then I am honored.  But that's not why I do it. 

Unless you do.

Comments

[Liz (Mom Unscripted)]

I have to admit that last paragraph is what I think but then I know that I keep my blog pretty private. Besides its not like I have that great an ability anyway! I did forego college for a husband and then a few years later a kid. I could go I suppose. That English major may still serve a purpose and hey maybe they will accept me again to art school? Not likely unless they are looking for expert finger painters with minors in crayons.

[Liz (Mom Unscripted)]

Oh and I love reading what you say. From the day I found your blog you became my first read every day and I love LOVE getting comments from you in mine or emails. Oh man does that make me a groupie??

[Laurie]

I miss you!! We need to make a trip over there to see you soon! I love that you're blogging regularly again- I've missed it! I think Al threw down a challenge though- and as a fan of both, I must say I'll all for it! :)

[CJ]

Well ever since SJ posted your link, I visit daily!!! I use you as my go to blog in the morning! I get to work and start reading (yes I have a very pressing job!!!). Yours is always the first to put a smile on my face! By the way, thank you for being my first poster!

[Hannah]

I had great plans of running away from home as a child too. I imagined returning home to my remorseful and gracious parents throwing their arms around me in joy. I stopped having these fantasies when I finally asked my mom what she would do if I ever really did run away.
"I'd spank your bottom."
She did not sound remorseful.

[wordgirl]

I don't write for the stats either. That said, I've written for money and it IS AWFULLY NICE. Really.

[Kyle]

I write for the money. If I had it my way, I'd watch TV all day.

[elise]

Kyle, no one cares what you say.

Did you hear me? NO ONE!

P.S. You look like Kermit the Frog.