I AM Related to Karl Friedrich Gauss, After All

I love fall.  I have read a number of fall enthusiasts exclaiming over the cooler weather, the turning of the leaves, the crispness in the air.  I'm partial to all of these things as well, even though in East Texas "cooler" might mean something more like "less than 95 degrees", but still.  I enjoy the climate changes that this season brings.

But I have to admit, the weather is not why I like fall.  Neither are the leaves, and even though I like crisp things, the air is not what does it for me either.  No, what I really, REALLY love about the fall is the clothes.

Ha!  What a surprise, right?  The boutique owner is writing about clothes!

I love velvet and velveteen dresses.  I adore light wool pea coats and calf-length brocade jackets.  I'm crazy about camel, as a color, on just about anything, but especially in suede shirt-dresses and soft, buttery, leather purses.  I can't get enough of pointy-toed flats and kitten heels, and I applaud the use of reverse-stitching with contrasting thread in this season's ankle boots.  I absolutely cherish turtlenecks in cashmere and soft ribbed cotton.  I have completely lost it over rich, jewel toned, Dupioni silk and satin holiday cocktail dresses, and the wide belts meant to cinch a natural waistline (finally!) are divine.

All to say: I love me some fall fashion.

However, this year I am having a bit of a tough go at it with one particular trend.  Last year was the birth of this trend, and instead of embracing it with arms wide open, as I am wont to do with new styles, I gave the trend an awkward side hug and a fake smile and said "Oh, you look so....cute!  I mean, chic.  Yeah, totally Euro.  Of course I'm going to carry you in the store!  I mean, totally.  You are so the new rage.  Yeah, I'll place an order....ummm....maybe tomorrow!  Definitely tomorrow, or next year.  I mean week!  At the very latest, next week, yes I am so looking forward to it, you are going to be awesome!"  And then I turned and slunk out of the room, looking nervous, and hoping desperately that I would never again encounter this trend; that it would suffer the fate of so many before it, and be nothing but a "Don't" six months later.

Unfortunately, the trend did not die.  And it didn't forget my graceless lies from last year, either.  So now I have in my store, displayed on the very center table, my Nemesis: The Skinny Jean.

Don't get me wrong.  I love the ads for the tapered, pegged-leg jean.  I think the waif-like models look glamorous and very French in their leggings-like jeanswear with long tunics and layers on top.  I think that Thin is always In, and anything that makes me look thinner, well, I will probably be the first in line to order, merchandise, and sell it.  But the Skinny Jean is a little deceptive, mainly in that it isn't Skinny at all.  No, that's not true, the jean, it is skinny.  But the person in the jean - not so much.  Unless of course, the person is Kate Moss or some derivation of Kate Moss, in which case, why not forego the high prices of the Skinny Jean and just wear, say, a trash bag?  Or a football uniform.  Or, your grandmother's full-length mumu!  Really, anything will work, because YOU ARE ALREADY INCREDIBLY, PAINFULLY SKINNY.  You have no need of the Jean.  But those of us who do need the help of a jean, or a pant, or any clothing item that promises to deliver Thin when we need it most, we are the ones trying to wear this Skinny Jean.  And it's just not fair.

For those of you who are (be grateful) not yet familiar with the Skinny Jean, I will tell you - it is a regular pair of jeans, but instead of the pant legs falling gracefully to the floor in a boot-cut or even straight-leg fashion, they are, in fact, pegged.  As in tapered.  As in cinched at the ankle.  As in wow, look at those enormous hips!

The Skinny Jean is meant to be the denim version of leggings, tight and straight all the way down, following the natural curve and shape of the leg.  Great if you're Heidi Klum.  Bad if you're the other 99.9% of the female population, because the last time I checked, we weren't all running out trying to find something, anything, to show MORE of the natural shape of our legs.  No, no, this won't work.  See, I have these lovely dimpled thighs, and you just can't SEE that in these pants!

Obviously, following the rules of simple physics, we can derive that if one area is made to look smaller, than the opposite area will, by default, appear to be larger.  We can calculate that:

.5 ankle + .5 thigh = 1 leg

AND

Skinny Jean = 2

SO

.5 ankle / Skinny Jean = .25 ankle (thinner ankles, which yes, I agree, is nice)

BUT THEN YOU GET

.25 ankle + .5 thigh = .75 leg (which is not at ALL acceptable, having only some of the required leg needed to walk)

SO THEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE

.5 hip x Skinny Jean = 1 hip (bigger hips, which no, I do not agree is nice)

SO

(.5 ankle / Skinny Jean) + (.5 hip x Skinny Jean) = 1.25 leg (you see, BIGGER than your normal leg!  Is this what we want?  And if so, why?)

See, I bet you didn't know I could combine fashion and math.  I can combine fashion and anything, just try me. 

Comments

[janet]

okay, so I got kinda lost on the math, but I'm thinking the skinny jean can't really be around that much longer because ... who is buying them? I can only think of one of my friends who might even consider it. Surely they are not making money?

[elise]

I'll let you know. I hope they do make money. And then, I kinda hope they don't.

But mostly I'm all for the making of the money.

I'm a sell out.

[kyle]

i bought a military jacket today. what does that mean math-wise? am i screwed? did my bad math skills led me to make a bad fashion choice, or is it ok?

[Chrif]

The math is a little bit sketchy. Pythagoras once proposed that the whole world was composed of numbers. I think that you would like him.

[markira]

Skinny jeans are evil and must be stopped.

[CJ]

Reading all that post made me want to go out and BUY BUY BUY !! just not skinny jeans. They scare me, its bad enough that I just had a baby 3 months ago, and so to even bring those into my house to torture myself is not going to happen. Oh the days of size 2 are forever gone unless I stop eating. Thats not likely to happen seems how I enjoy food way to much to leave it behind, well not really behind persay, since I have a lot of it on my behind!

[wordgirl]

This is why I was so excited that GAP (a place I never shop anymore) has started making the black skinny pant again. It's a pant that never goes out of style. Who wouldn't want to look like Audrey Hepburn 24/7?

[elise]

No worries, Kyle, military jackets always add up to awesome!

I'm very punny.

Stop me here.

[LC (Mom Unscripted)]

I'm not much of a clothes shopper. It's just too emotional and frustrating for me. I'm just flat a tshirt and jeans girl. I do love shopping for the kid so that makes up for it!

[melissa]

completely agree...i remember our backside situations vividly. i am pretty much stuck in flare to compensate for the other area forever, it seems. babies, no time, and laziness have won. blah to the skinny, and the skinny who can wear it.