Customer Suck-It

Selections from a customer service agent's training manual:

Section One: "How To avoid answering any direct questions"

Section Two: "How To speak broken English fluently"

Section Three: "How To quickly alert the customer to the fact that they have a much better grasp of the company's operation than you do"

Section Four: "How To quickly alert the customer to the fact that you have never been to, seen, or had any experience with the place of business in question"

Section Five: "How To avoid any kind of reasoning by repeatedly asking the customer the correct spelling of his/her mother's maiden name, regardless of what they have asked you"

Section Six: "How To get out of a tough spot by allowing the customer to thoroughly and intelligently explain his/her situation, and then immediately transferring them to an entirely different department"

Section Seven: "How To refer only to 'Company Policy' when fielding all questions about general procedures.  Note - Be sure not to explain 'Company Policy' to customer under any circumstances.  In order to make this step more streamlined, we will not explain 'Company Policy' to you."