To You Whom This Concerns:

Do not make that disgusting, GrossGuy, creepy noise while you hold me down and give me sloppy, nasty kisses all over my face and never let me escape because I'm laughing that painful silent laugh so hard that I can't breathe or SCREAM, because if you do (and I know you will), you are going to be rewarded with MORE PAIN and EMBARRASSMENT THAN YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. And by that, I mean watch out for your chin, buddy. Oh yes.
I am not afraid to do it.