You morning people have always baffled me. I used to run cross-country (long, long ago) and every morning as I Dragged My Sorry Self out of bed to go run a million miles for no apparent benefit to anyone or anything, you happy, smiley, morning people were EVERYWHERE. You would be standing on your porch, chatting and drinking coffee, or running leisurely, with a big grin on your face, or walking your dog and whistling.
This has always bothered me to no end. "What is WRONG with me?", I asked myself. "Where is my DISCIPLINE?" You people somehow force yourselves out of bed every morning, at a god-forsakingly early hour, and you always seem REAL happy about it. It's very disheartening, to try and try and TRY to Want To Wake Up, to Get More Sleep, to Stay On A Schedule, and yet have ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT WORK. EVER.
Until today.
I woke up, with no alarm clock aid, and immediately panicked. I just KNEW that all the clocks were wrong; when had I EVER just jumped right up out of bed at 7:30, how was I going to explain this to work, WHERE WAS MY PHONE, I CAN ONLY DEPEND ON MY PHONE'S CLOCK, WHERE IS IT I NEED IT NOW. I found the phone, expected the worst, and then saw the little black clock in the corner proclaiming "7:34".
I had done it! And it was glorious; probably even more glorious than I had imagined in my wildest Morning Person Aspiring dreams. I had TIME to take a leisurely shower, TIME to get a cup of coffee, TIME to toast a Pop-Tart, AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH BETTER THEY TASTE TOASTED? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?? I wasn't rushed on my drive over, I only cursed at a few idiot drivers instead of all of them, and I even Slowed Down To Let Someone Change Lanes.
The bad news, for you, Morning Person, is that now I know your dirty, sadistic secret. I know that you don't have to force yourselves to get out of bed. I know those sheets don't call to you in the seductive tones they have held me captive with all these years. You Just Wake Up. And then you're up. For the rest of the day. No battle; no defeat. No effort. And yet you let the rest of us suffer, feeling like substandard members of society, even though you KNOW THAT IT IS JUST THE LUCK OF THE DRAW, WHO "JUST WAKES UP" AND WHO DOESN'T.
What is wrong with you people?
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