December, 2003 Archives
Once upon a time lived a happy family of five. In this family, which was, as beforementioned, very happy, lived three children, two boys and one girl. These children got along fabulously, and enjoyed spending time with each other whenever they could. It was, after all, a very ideal family.
One pleasant evening, the three amiable siblings were hanging around the kitchen, chatting and laughing, passing the time very agreeably all the way into the early hours of the morning. About half past one, one of the two brothers (we'll call him "Nathan") was, in good humor of course, poking fun at the other brother(we'll call him "Christopher")'s penchant for muscle-building protien drinks.(The specific drink mix Nathan was referring to on this particularly blithe evening was called Myoplex. TM. Or whatever. Don't steal the name, or think I made it up and sue me. Some company has probably spent a lot of time and money coming up with Myoplex, so let's not ruin things by making some big copyright issue out of the fact that I'm including it in my story, and don't know how to cite it.)
As this exceptional evening progressed, Nathan began to stride authoritatively around the kitchen, blessing his audience with insightful, witty, and realistic renditions of Christopher:"I'm Christopher" (flex, flex)"I'm a big man" (stop, pose) "I drink Myoplex" (grunt, growl) Christopher and his sister (we'll call her "Elise") laughed good-naturedly at Nathan's dramatic monologue, and watched in rapt attention as he continued on with his performance.
"Oooh, I'm hungry. I have to eat all day long because I'm such a big, strong man. I eat everything I see."After uttering these profound words and allowing them to sink in, Nathan promptly devoured a Christmas cookie with green icing. He then proceeded on with his presentation, heading over to the pantry, and grabbing a packet of Myoplex chocolate powder.(grunt) "I'm Christopher, I don't even have to drink Myoplex; I just eat it right from the packet."
As Christopher and Elise watched in amazement, Nathan, in a moment of dramatic frenzy, ripped open the packet of Myoplex and, without delay, dumped the entire package into his open mouth.
Chaos ensued. As the highly concentrated Myoplex powder quickly solidified into a concrete-like substance, sucking up all the moisture in Nathan's mouth, tongue and throat area, a rather peculiar look came over his face. Christopher and Elise noticed this curious expression, but were mostly laughing too hard to do anything much about it. Besides, Nathan wasn't actually doing anything except standing there and looking strange. It really didn't seem too dire. However, unbeknownst to the elated siblings, the jauntily-progressing evening was about to take a turn for the worse.
"Phhhhaaawwwww!!" interjected Nathan suddenly, expelling from his mouth a large cloud of light brown dust into the pots and pans hanging from the kitchen ceiling.
"Uuuugggghhhhaaawwww!!" he stated, even more loudly, and accompanied this noise with even more expulsion of the light brown debris. Christopher and Elise could not stop laughing. As Nathan continued to litter the counters with his pharynx-dust, making strange and somewhat disturbing noises, he began stumbling about the kitchen and grabbing at his throat. Christopher and Elise might have considered doing something to answer Nathan's weak but distinguishable cries for help intermixed with his violent coughing, if only they hadn't been laughing so hard.
Nathan's blind falter around the kitchen led him straight to the sink, where, upon realizing his location, he immediately turned on the faucet and attempted to forcefully throw the water into his mouth. In an unlikely coincidence, his coughing worsened."Blllaaaagggghhhh!" A green blob, covered in light brown dust erupted from the depths of Nathan's....well, from his stomach, let's be honest. The blob landed in the sink, where it sat triumphantly, still regaining most of its former Christmas cookie status, and looking as if it was taunting Nathan for ever thinking he could digest such a invincible little treat. That prideful green cookie never knew that the Myoplex cement powder was what had led to its hasty ejection, but we all know how that saying goes.....
The green blob trickled down the drain, on its way to sewage and other kitchen-sink refuse spots of choice. Christopher and Elise tried to scrape themselves off of the floor where their mad and uncontrollable fits of laughing had relegated them. And Nathan continued his coughing, but at a more moderate rate, and intermittently asked his loving siblings why oh why they were content to watch him go to his grave, choking, like it was some kind of comedy routine.
The End
Merry Christmas, Y'all!
